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Post by Jaeger on Feb 16, 2018 15:43:11 GMT
I agree with you, Mary, and though I somewhat made light of the situation ny continuing to use the word 'running', what I meant is enforcing your boundaries while being completely prepated to break things off if they are not respected. That said, if enforcing those boundaries in the current situation feels too hard to do, extricating yourself from the situation would be most prudent so you can work towards a situation where you can. Good catch! I see what people are saying in this thread and to a degree, I agree with the premise. But I also think perhaps he does not have enough information to make this decision yet. I completely agree about boundaries, but in this case, so far, boundaries have not been broken and we are all making a judgment? This is exactly what avoidants do...I know because I am  I'm not advocating a decision, as only he can make that for himself. I do see enough added risk here due to clear red flags that warrant going into any further contact with added vigilance. And should these red flags manifest themselves in that contact, I would not personally invest a great deal of further energy. |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 16, 2018 15:46:46 GMT
Interesting that you see oversharing intimate personal details so early as a mutual boundary violation.
I'm so used to it that I can't even see it.
But you're probably right.
Even this felt a bit strange for me when she started to reveal so much. But I totally understand why she did it.
And so I went along with it.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 15:50:28 GMT
I agree with you, Mary, and though I somewhat made light of the situation ny continuing to use the word 'running', what I meant is enforcing your boundaries while being completely prepated to break things off if they are not respected. That said, if enforcing those boundaries in the current situation feels too hard to do, extricating yourself from the situation would be most prudent so you can work towards a situation where you can. Good catch! Is this a way to solve the paradox I was refering to? Between letting things unfold naturally, and be ready to break things off in case of boundaries not respected, and knowing deep down that enforcing those boundaries wouldn't be possible in a given situation (like this one) given one's self-knowledge? Yes, this is actually what I am working on and I think it's useful for any insecure attachment type. If you take "mini risks" in the beginning, you can see how both you and the other person will deal with the situation. If boundaries and needs are not respected, you have your answer. Let's all avoid the "shit hitting the fan" situation. |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 16, 2018 15:50:36 GMT
Is this a way to solve the paradox I was refering to? Between letting things unfold naturally, and be ready to break things off in case of boundaries not respected, and knowing deep down that enforcing those boundaries wouldn't be possible in a given situation (like this one) given one's self-knowledge? Put simply, if you feel like you can't maintain your own boundaries in this situation when the shit hits the fan, it might be better to work on that bit (since it's inside your circle of influence) and look for someone with whom it will be possible to set those boundaries more easily. Right. This is normally how I think when I'm being my best rational self. But I am clearly not there at the moment. One more reason for being cautious. And again, this is why I want to meet secure people, to increase my chances of setting my boundaries correctly. It's just easier this way (in theory). |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 15:53:08 GMT
Interesting that you see oversharing intimate personal details so early as a mutual boundary violation. I'm so used to it that I can't even see it. But you're probably right. Even this felt a bit strange for me when she started to reveal so much. But I totally understand why she did it. And so I went along with it. I disagree. If neither of the parties involved viewed it as a boundary violation, then it isn't. I believe there are no absolutes. Each individual has their own boundaries. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 15:54:41 GMT
Interesting that you see oversharing intimate personal details so early as a mutual boundary violation. I'm so used to it that I can't even see it. But you're probably right. Even this felt a bit strange for me when she started to reveal so much. But I totally understand why she did it. And so I went along with it. honestly, it looks like “here’s what’s wrong with me. is it ok? oh, you have something too? well maybe we can help each other.” and i i am not trying to say i can read your mind, but it almost looks like what i did when i was embarrassed about having been abused so badly. i felt like i had to put it out there. it was reflexive after being so secretive for so long about it. it was also a distancing trick because i knew i would be rejected for it and i was. so then, problem solved. weird paradoxical convulsions in my mind, trying to just be ok. i am over that and have better boundaries. that stuff isn’t in the forefront of my mind anymore, it’s just part of my experience that has caused a lot of growth. |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 16, 2018 15:55:12 GMT
Is this a way to solve the paradox I was refering to? Between letting things unfold naturally, and be ready to break things off in case of boundaries not respected, and knowing deep down that enforcing those boundaries wouldn't be possible in a given situation (like this one) given one's self-knowledge? Yes, this is actually what I am working on and I think it's useful for any insecure attachment type. If you take "mini risks" in the beginning, you can see how both you and the other person will deal with the situation. If boundaries and needs are not respected, you have your answer. Let's all avoid the "shit hitting the fan" situation. Mhh, yeah, this is an interesting third alternative. No critical boundary or unmet need have been encountered so far. Except for what tgat mentioned, the oversharing thing (although this boundary doesn't bother me too much). I have a need for more communication in between dates, but this can be classified as unrealistic as this is still too early. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 16:01:42 GMT
Yes, this is actually what I am working on and I think it's useful for any insecure attachment type. If you take "mini risks" in the beginning, you can see how both you and the other person will deal with the situation. If boundaries and needs are not respected, you have your answer. Let's all avoid the "shit hitting the fan" situation. Mhh, yeah, this is an interesting third alternative. No critical boundary or unmet need have been encountered so far. Except for what tgat mentioned, the oversharing thing (although this boundary doesn't bother me too much). I have a need for more communication in between dates, but this can be classified as unrealistic as this is still too early. I am not going to take credit for this answer, lol. This is therapist approved advice on how to make better choices |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 16, 2018 16:01:52 GMT
Interesting that you see oversharing intimate personal details so early as a mutual boundary violation. I'm so used to it that I can't even see it. But you're probably right. Even this felt a bit strange for me when she started to reveal so much. But I totally understand why she did it. And so I went along with it. honestly, it looks like “here’s what’s wrong with me. is it ok? oh, you have something too? well maybe we can help each other.” and i i am not trying to say i can read your mind, but it almost looks like what i did when i was embarrassed about having been abused so badly. i felt like i had to put it out there. it was reflexive after being so secretive for so long about it. it was also a distancing trick because i knew i would be rejected for it and i was. so then, problem solved. weird paradoxical convulsions in my mind, trying to just be ok. i am over that and have better boundaries. that stuff isn’t in the forefront of my mind anymore, it’s just part of my experience that has caused a lot of growth. I think you're reading my mind pretty clearly here, tgat. This is what it looks like and feels like. But I also agree with Mary, this type of boundary crossing does not really bother me. But I do understand where you come from and I can see how you used revealing your experience as a distancing trick to manage rejection. I think I also use that still. But in this particular case yesterday, it was my date who revealed a lot about herself first. In the past, it might have been the other way around. It's great that you have adjusted your boundaries though, and no longer keep your painful experience at the forefront of your mind. |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 16, 2018 16:03:48 GMT
Mhh, yeah, this is an interesting third alternative. No critical boundary or unmet need have been encountered so far. Except for what tgat mentioned, the oversharing thing (although this boundary doesn't bother me too much). I have a need for more communication in between dates, but this can be classified as unrealistic as this is still too early. I am not going to take credit for this answer, lol. This is therapist approved advice on how to make better choices Haha. That's why it sounded so familiar! Therapists are good at pointing to alternatives  I'm seeing mine Thursday next week can't wait to discuss all this with her! |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 16:05:47 GMT
i think it’s great to have so many perspectives!
a really thorough way to explore it.
i like this forum!!
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 16, 2018 16:07:59 GMT
So an alternative can be further contact, as a way to see how I react to violated boundaries/unmet needs/triggers.
But like Jaeger said, with added vigilance!
Mini-risks, but with the biggest risk being me becoming even more attached, and therefore making the whole thing a lot more difficult to get out of.
I could view this as an experiment, instead of being attached to the outcome (being in a relationship).
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 16, 2018 16:10:33 GMT
i think it’s great to have so many perspectives! a really thorough way to explore it. i like this forum!! I know, I was going to write this earlier! This is so intellectually stimulating, I love this stuff. Confronting perspectives in real time and really exploring a topic, a given situation, is something I usually get frustrated over in therapy, because there is not enough time! |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 16:14:43 GMT
So an alternative can be further contact, as a way to see how I react to violated boundaries/unmet needs/triggers. But like Jaeger said, with added vigilance! Mini-risks, but with the biggest risk being me becoming even more attached, and therefore making the whole thing a lot more difficult to get out of. I could view this as an experiment, instead of being attached to the outcome (being in a relationship). here is an avoidant answer: “Sure, if it’s worth the trouble! “ 😂 but yes, open minded and thoughtful. it will be what it will be. |
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Post by Jaeger on Feb 16, 2018 16:15:46 GMT
So an alternative can be further contact, as a way to see how I react to violated boundaries/unmet needs/triggers. But like Jaeger said, with added vigilance! Mini-risks, but with the biggest risk being me becoming even more attached, and therefore making the whole thing a lot more difficult to get out of. I could view this as an experiment, instead of being attached to the outcome (being in a relationship). Dating does not equal relationships. I think splitting the two up mentally might help a bit. If you're dating FOR a relationship, you're in danger of shoehorning someone's personality into your relationship needs and bypassing clear signs of incompatibility. Get to know her first without fast tracking to relationship status. That in itself is a mini risk as it won't activate the attachment system as much as a relationship. Evaluate from time to time if and how to proceed. |
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