Eep i made a plan

thank you cricket 😥

thank you, you all are being very good to me and it means a lot 😭

thank you so much for your encouragement @anxious!
this is something that just was an unquestioned aspect of my life, and for many years i was isolated in abuse and had no one to even make a plan with, so it just was so natural to just be this way.
i didn't realize, how much it would bring up for me to make a plan.

yesterday i realized the logistical reason
is: "if i am promising to be with you, then i am not going to be able to be by myself" which, for most of my life, was truly the better option (to be by myself!) because frankly. i was MUCH better company once i learned not to spend that time beating myself up like everyone else did!)

but ,

i also realized the heavy emotional burden i have struggled under.
changing this M.O., and making a plan, brought to the surface my feelings of being "different" and missing out on a lot of normal things that people do when they connect.
i recall this feeling from my childhood, and all the way through life stages. dating, young adult socializing, motherhood, singlehood, all of these chapters have been marked by my isolation.

It was a survival thing, it was a place where i found my sanctuary, but through the darkest times it was also the place i hurt all alone, i made survival plans all alone, i recovered from illegal acts against me all alone, i hid marks on my body all alone, i wondered why i am alive, all alone.

i wondered why i am alone, all alone.

so. those feelings were deeply buried because finally, i recovered from PTSD in my later adult life and it was the dawning of a new day , a new chapter, a new life. i have transformed my life to such a degree, my friends i have now know my back story but they are amazed, and call me a miracle! i know i am a miracle. my life is a miracle.

i am not alone any more, except in my habits, and bringing this up brought up some sadness, some grief. i am sure that before i came to this board, i wasn't ready to face it. i didn't know there were people who suffer like me. i had so many professionals tell me my experience was tragic and unique even by their standards. so that , while validating, also made me feel more isolated.

but now i know , that while many aspects of my story are not a common shared experience, this isolation still affecting me is understandable, relatable, nothing to be ashamed of, and something i can change because i love myself enough to do it.

thai gives me endless hope. i am sure other things will come up as i transform. and i really feel great about being in the place i am now, to be gentle and open to my grief and get support and have a life i have wanted but not been able to attain.

thank you ❤️