How do/did Avoidenants come across this forum?

I did not come here through any relationship, but out of a desire for further healing and personal growth. That said, breakups did and do elicit introspection in me and I am driven to have a better relationship or attract a better suited person next time.

By the way, I used to be more avoidant and am now more secure than avoidant. I tested as dismissive in my late teens, and as secure in my late twenties. In my twenties I noticed some reoccuring patterns in dating that I did not like, and decided to stay single until I could relate to others in a better way. At the time, very little was known about healing attachment, and I approached it more from the angle of learning skills and exploring my psyche. I kept a gratitude journal, learned communication skills, did a variety of meditations and at some point dating became more fun, my friendships improved and I tested as secure.

I still find myself having some deactivating patterns here and there, but they were much more intense when I was younger. After a breakup, deactivation would happen until the ex had become either a jerk or a loser in my mind or at best someone with whom I'd never want to try it again. Regardless of who broke up, all my exes wanted to try again.
Now, the guys I dated after 30, I connnected with on a deeper level. While the attraction greatly diminishes after a breakup, the friendly feelings remain and I wish them all the good in the world. Still, I'd much rather have a fresh start with a new guy. Most of the time I did not know their attachment type.

I've never dated a true AP for very long, I feel suffocated with them and used the think of them as stalkerish and a bit scary. One of the first guys I dated was AP and actually called himself a stalker and he did transgress boundaries plus his best friend was abusive eith his girl, so I ran from him and became extra sensitive to the pattern. Conflicts also start to circle, which is really stressful and I am not in search of drama.

With a DA, I guess if he is aware and communicative it could work, but I'd be hesitant to date someone much more DA than me.

I came here as a way to work on myself and learn about attachments. However, I did have a breakup after finding this forum.

I had a more avoidant partner and thought he was the only one with a problem.

I had no idea I had an attachment problem.

I think it's that avoidants are more focused inward in general and APs (and some FAs) are focused outward to how other people effect them.  For some avoidants, the focus inspires change, for others it becomes self absorption.

i'm not sure i agree with alpenglow's assesment , i would have to think about that.
maybe it does take more willingness to change, and so when we get here (avoidants) we are more focused on what is going on internally.

but, it seems it takes AP's longer once they get here, to turn the focus completely inward to change. i know they think thwy have to make sense of their partner before they feel they can move forward but i think that's just a continuation of their fixation on a "source" of validation and love. i don't think avoidants are more averse to change. i think they do it underground for a long time and then come to surface with it. while AP's are on the surface not going very deep because they aren't turned inward so much as trying to get a partner to change and "step up" to their expectation.


i don't know. i haven't seen avoidants talk overly much about their partners behavior here, while i do see a lot of AP's focusing on their partner. (or ex). and we all know that isn't how true change happens. it might validate feelings but it doesn't change internal patterns.

i think the outlook is pessimistic for avoidants in the mainstream convo because we keep our reality more private and never made a big hubbub about our partners online hahaha! so the AP's writing all the materials think we just can't do it... truth is, we can.... but not with an AP.

i'm not slamming AP, i am challenging the information out there. i think a lot of it is very biased against our willingness to grow.

your wisdom and insight is so refreshing alpenglow.
sometimes i feel that the AP obsession with getting validation is parallel to a narcissist's obsession with narcissistic "supply"!

if i came on here obsessing about how my partner won't have sex with me anymore, and how tortured i am, eyebrows would be raised 😂 i mean, i need to know i am still sexually desirable right?!
but i know he isn't my source of sexual gratification or validation , he's a person! Sex is actually a priority for me but i know i can't just go around obsessing about it without being alcalled a sex addict or a perv or a shallow user lol.

but an AP is looking for emotional gratification , it looks almost the same to me. the love object is a source of supply.

the focus is so much on the self with the obsession, it is hard to call that willingness to change and grow. it's acting out, as far as i can tell, and it happens a lot especially when AP's first get here.

Do you think most dismissive and fearful avoidant people see APs as stalkerish?

I am AP at times, but I can't think of anything I ever did that was in stalker territory. But then again, I also have avoidant habits in relationships. Unless you consider the fact that I was usually the one to text more. I also wanted more communication and that is what we would argue over. But other than that, I'm not sure what your experiences were with APs.