em
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Post by em on Mar 4, 2018 22:51:22 GMT
kelvain, not kelvin! sorry  |
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Post by kelvain on Mar 5, 2018 12:28:59 GMT
Also, since learning about all of this, I am starting to feel a lot of guilt. I could have reacted in more constructive ways. I did do a pretty decent job for not knowing exactly what was going on, but I do feel as if I have contributed to his emotional pain because he mentioned a few times that I just did not understand him. I think I should write him a short email to apologize. I definitely wouldn't expect him to answer, but I feel like it's the right thing to do. What do you guys think? I once thought/felt as you did. But it wouldn't have mattered how I acted or what I did with my ex DA. One of her ways of handling things (controlling me and the relationship) was to create no-win scenarios for me whereby placing me in a situation, and regardless of what I chose to do/how to act, it would be wrong (either I was needy for trying to work on an issue, or I was abandoning her if I backed away to give her space). You can write to your ex DA if you like. Do what you feel in your heart. Especially if you have unresolved questions that need answering so you can find peace. You may want to pose your initial inquiry in a more friendly "You were on my mind and I thought I'd reach out" type of feel/tone. |
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em
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Post by em on Mar 6, 2018 0:04:45 GMT
I also felt like I was placed in no-win scenarios. He would never come out and say that he felt as if I abandoned him, but looking back, I realize now that there were situations where he probably felt like I abandoned him.
If I write him an email, I wouldn't mention any romantic feelings I still have. I would only discuss that I was sorry for how things ended and that I misunderstood what he needed from me and that I apologize for that. I also want to mention that I will always be there for him even if he doesn't want to talk for many more years. Although I still love him, my goal here wouldn't be to get him back. If we ever got back together, it would have to be years down the road after introspection on both of our ends into our attachment styles. My goals for this letter are 1 that he knows he can approach me again and that I am not angry any longer and 2 to apologize for my lack of understanding. I will state at the very beginning that I do not expect him to reply in an effort to make him more comfortable.
I have a gut feeling that he will answer me eventually.
But in the case that he doesn't, how should I mentally prepare myself for that?
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em
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Post by em on Mar 6, 2018 0:06:18 GMT
Also, what are some signs that they feel abandoned (if we give them space for example) even if they don't verbalize that they feel abandoned?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2018 0:19:44 GMT
I also felt like I was placed in no-win scenarios. He would never come out and say that he felt as if I abandoned him, but looking back, I realize now that there were situations where he probably felt like I abandoned him. If I write him an email, I wouldn't mention any romantic feelings I still have. I would only discuss that I was sorry for how things ended and that I misunderstood what he needed from me and that I apologize for that. I also want to mention that I will always be there for him even if he doesn't want to talk for many more years. Although I still love him, my goal here wouldn't be to get him back. If we ever got back together, it would have to be years down the road after introspection on both of our ends into our attachment styles. My goals for this letter are 1 that he knows he can approach me again and that I am not angry any longer and 2 to apologize for my lack of understanding. I will state at the very beginning that I do not expect him to reply in an effort to make him more comfortable. I have a gut feeling that he will answer me eventually. But in the case that he doesn't, how should I mentally prepare myself for that? I wouldn't write a letter. Don't you think you will be just waiting for a reply? Maybe it will hurt you more? |
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em
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Post by em on Mar 6, 2018 1:53:14 GMT
mary, you make good points. Those are the reasons why I have not written a letter yet. I go back and forth wondering which option is better. Sometimes I think a letter will give me peace, because I am not happy at all with how things went the last time we saw each other. And when I say I'm unhappy, I mean I'm unhappy with how I reacted. I would like him to remember me as somebody who cared enough to apologize for any wrongdoing or misunderstandings. I don't want to be remembered as the girl who cried the last time he saw her.
On the other hand, I can see myself being disappointed if he doesn't respond. However, if he doesn't respond, then maybe I will stop wondering if he has wanted to talk to me since we have stopped speaking. So it has the potential to clarify things. We did go for a period of time without speaking about two years ago, and when I reached out to initiate contact again, he was very responsive. But that doesn't mean it will happen again I guess.
With the way that things ended, I could see how this could go either way. I could see how he would respond and say that he has missed my friendship, but since he has moved to the opposite coast at this point, he may decide to not respond since we are so physically distanced and sees no real point to interact again. He did tell me when we broke up that he always wanted to remain friends with me, but maybe he has changed that idea since then.
I wish I knew what to do.
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Post by mrob on Mar 6, 2018 4:11:38 GMT
Please don’t be ashamed of how you reacted. My heart breaks a little when I read that. When I last saw my “not really a relationship but was”, she was so heartbroken she collapsed on the ground. I picked her up, and my feelings were really weird around it. A mixture of disdain, and Wanting to fix her feelings and knowing I couldn’t without completely compromising my wishes. I only seem to feel feelings in retrospect. I know this doesn’t help you decide which way to go with contacting him. In fact, this probably makes it harder. I do think letter is by far the safest.
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guest
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Post by guest on Mar 6, 2018 4:43:02 GMT
I would hold off on the email or letter until you really, and genuinely aren't bothered if your ex responds or not, in other words, take the time to move on before you send the letter.
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Post by kelvain on Mar 7, 2018 18:25:46 GMT
I would be cautious about sending a letter and spilling out your thoughts and feelings right up front. It may come off a weird (due to length of time since last contact) and possibly unwelcome. You don't want to risk pushing him away further by having him think something along the lines of "Oh boy, she is really overwhelming me right now with all these thoughts and feelings." Were I in your position, I would do a friendly, innocuous reach out to him rather than a deep, heartfelt letter because it could scare him further. Sending a letter with a lot of feelings and apologies is sure to soothe your own anxiety, however you may want to consider that it could likely result in heightening his anxiety. This could be especially true if he is Avoidant.
A friendly hello letter, text or call could lead to a more open dialogue with him. You kind of have to plan it out / strategize as if you are preparing for battle. A gentle, friendly reach out will help you determine how receptive he is to renewed contact. If he welcomes hearing from you, you then could continue a dialogue and slowly open up to him if he continues to be open and receptive. It also helps prevent you from coming on too strong as well as avoiding looking needy or foolish (although I hate to use those words because I believe in being open and upfront like you).
I hope this helps.
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em
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Post by em on Mar 7, 2018 22:16:55 GMT
Please don’t be ashamed of how you reacted. My heart breaks a little when I read that. When I last saw my “not really a relationship but was”, she was so heartbroken she collapsed on the ground. I picked her up, and my feelings were really weird around it. A mixture of disdain, and Wanting to fix her feelings and knowing I couldn’t without completely compromising my wishes. I only seem to feel feelings in retrospect. I know this doesn’t help you decide which way to go with contacting him. In fact, this probably makes it harder. I do think letter is by far the safest. You seem to have the most in common with my ex when it comes to personality. Why did you feel disdain? And what happened in order for you to feel feelings in retrospect? Thank you so much for the insight. |
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em
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Post by em on Mar 7, 2018 22:17:31 GMT
I would hold off on the email or letter until you really, and genuinely aren't bothered if your ex responds or not, in other words, take the time to move on before you send the letter. That is a really good idea. I will take that into consideration. Thank you very much. |
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em
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Post by em on Mar 7, 2018 22:22:38 GMT
I would be cautious about sending a letter and spilling out your thoughts and feelings right up front. It may come off a weird (due to length of time since last contact) and possibly unwelcome. You don't want to risk pushing him away further by having him think something along the lines of "Oh boy, she is really overwhelming me right now with all these thoughts and feelings." Were I in your position, I would do a friendly, innocuous reach out to him rather than a deep, heartfelt letter because it could scare him further. Sending a letter with a lot of feelings and apologies is sure to soothe your own anxiety, however you may want to consider that it could likely result in heightening his anxiety. This could be especially true if he is Avoidant. A friendly hello letter, text or call could lead to a more open dialogue with him. You kind of have to plan it out / strategize as if you are preparing for battle. A gentle, friendly reach out will help you determine how receptive he is to renewed contact. If he welcomes hearing from you, you then could continue a dialogue and slowly open up to him if he continues to be open and receptive. It also helps prevent you from coming on too strong as well as avoiding looking needy or foolish (although I hate to use those words because I believe in being open and upfront like you). I hope this helps. I agree with you to be cautious. I'm glad that you mentioned this, because I probably would have written in too much detail. I'm afraid that if I make the letter just "hey how are you and how have you been" he will think I am pursuing a romantic relationship again if I am being really friendly out of the blue. Would it be okay if I stay friendly and mention that I hope he has been doing well and all of that, but also state that I regret how I handled the situation last time we talked? And just keep it very short... like a few sentences for the whole letter? |
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Post by mrob on Mar 8, 2018 12:48:20 GMT
You seem to have the most in common with my ex when it comes to personality. Why did you feel disdain? And what happened in order for you to feel feelings in retrospect? Thank you so much for the insight. The disdain was the most repugnant feeling I’ve ever had and I knew it at that moment. What sort of a monster feels that, even for half a second? As for retrospect, it just does. Sometimes I just feel nothing. No good, no bad, nothing. I know I should be feeling happy, sad, mad, glad but it just isn’t there for anyone or anything. Then suddenly, after the event, blah. I have it. Then I have to shut up about it because it’s inappropriate to talk about it. That’s why I’m in therapy, lol. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2018 13:39:48 GMT
You seem to have the most in common with my ex when it comes to personality. Why did you feel disdain? And what happened in order for you to feel feelings in retrospect? Thank you so much for the insight. The disdain was the most repugnant feeling I’ve ever had and I knew it at that moment. What sort of a monster feels that, even for half a second? As for retrospect, it just does. Sometimes I just feel nothing. No good, no bad, nothing. I know I should be feeling happy, sad, mad, glad but it just isn’t there for anyone or anything. Then suddenly, after the event, blah. I have it. Then I have to shut up about it because it’s inappropriate to talk about it. That’s why I’m in therapy, lol. , ask your therapist about ptsd. Strong feelings like disdain, disgust etc are sometimes ptsd related. I was shocked as hell when I was told I have it, but then it made so much sense. You are not a monster. Our minds can play horrible tricks on us. |
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Post by serene13 on Mar 8, 2018 18:05:33 GMT
The disdain was the most repugnant feeling I’ve ever had and I knew it at that moment. What sort of a monster feels that, even for half a second? As for retrospect, it just does. Sometimes I just feel nothing. No good, no bad, nothing. I know I should be feeling happy, sad, mad, glad but it just isn’t there for anyone or anything. Then suddenly, after the event, blah. I have it. Then I have to shut up about it because it’s inappropriate to talk about it. That’s why I’m in therapy, lol. , ask your therapist about ptsd. Strong feelings like disdain, disgust etc are sometimes ptsd related. I was shocked as hell when I was told I have it, but then it made so much sense. You are not a monster. Our minds can play horrible tricks on us. Very interesting - I saw and sensed a bit of disdain from the FA/DA I knew. It didn't seem to fit the situation for me - but I think I get it now. I also noticed moments of his eyes going blank - like a trance - when confronted with a painful realization. Your suggestion to mrob of PTSA, mary, makes sense in that I have seen similar trance-like behavior occur with my daughter, who has been diagnosed with trauma-related depression and PTSD. I don't think the avoidant I knew would be ready to hear that suggestion. |
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