em
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Post by em on Mar 9, 2018 20:13:48 GMT
You seem to have the most in common with my ex when it comes to personality. Why did you feel disdain? And what happened in order for you to feel feelings in retrospect? Thank you so much for the insight. The disdain was the most repugnant feeling I’ve ever had and I knew it at that moment. What sort of a monster feels that, even for half a second? As for retrospect, it just does. Sometimes I just feel nothing. No good, no bad, nothing. I know I should be feeling happy, sad, mad, glad but it just isn’t there for anyone or anything. Then suddenly, after the event, blah. I have it. Then I have to shut up about it because it’s inappropriate to talk about it. That’s why I’m in therapy, lol. You are not a monster for feeling that way. I'm sure not every avoidant later feels the feelings to go along with a past loss. I have actually had similar patterns too. How long does it take you to feel that sense of loss? |
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em
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Post by em on Mar 9, 2018 20:15:41 GMT
mrob , ask your therapist about ptsd. Strong feelings like disdain, disgust etc are sometimes ptsd related. I was shocked as hell when I was told I have it, but then it made so much sense. You are not a monster. Our minds can play horrible tricks on us. Very interesting - I saw and sensed a bit of disdain from the FA/DA I knew. It didn't seem to fit the situation for me - but I think I get it now. I also noticed moments of his eyes going blank - like a trance - when confronted with a painful realization. Your suggestion to mrob of PTSA, mary, makes sense in that I have seen similar trance-like behavior occur with my daughter, who has been diagnosed with trauma-related depression and PTSD. I don't think the avoidant I knew would be ready to hear that suggestion. mary - thank you for mentioning that. I had no idea PTSD was released to those emotions. The avoidant that I dated would totally shut down if an emotional topic was brought up about our breakup. I took it as he didn't care, but maybe they shut down because they do care... but they cannot handle the emotion due to previous experiences in life that were traumatizing. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 9, 2018 22:49:34 GMT
Very interesting - I saw and sensed a bit of disdain from the FA/DA I knew. It didn't seem to fit the situation for me - but I think I get it now. I also noticed moments of his eyes going blank - like a trance - when confronted with a painful realization. Your suggestion to mrob of PTSA, mary, makes sense in that I have seen similar trance-like behavior occur with my daughter, who has been diagnosed with trauma-related depression and PTSD. I don't think the avoidant I knew would be ready to hear that suggestion. mary - thank you for mentioning that. I had no idea PTSD was released to those emotions. The avoidant that I dated would totally shut down if an emotional topic was brought up about our breakup. I took it as he didn't care, but maybe they shut down because they do care... but they cannot handle the emotion due to previous experiences in life that were traumatizing. I think most people think of PTSD as only related to people who have been in war situations and it's not always thought of in other situations. There are various symptoms of PTSD and I'm sure it's somewhat individual. It can be hard to deal with and it's hard to understand. You can "flashback" and the feelings are intense. It's hard to tell if the current situation is parallel to what happened prior or not. It's like a veteran hears a car backfire and he thinks he's under gunfire attack again. I know that quite a few people think that avoidants just don't care, have no feelings, etc, but I can tell you it's not the case. Our programming is different and often times, it's due to past trauma. |
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em
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Post by em on Mar 10, 2018 21:58:59 GMT
mary - That makes a lot of sense. The PTSD stuff aligns with my ex for sure. I would bet, knowing what I know now, that he either felt enmeshed or neglected (or both) while growing up. And then some of the things he told me about his exes probably added to his childhood wounds. I can start to see why he wants to be alone most of the time.
I think he also suffered some type of trauma when he lost his best friend. He wasn't there when it happened, but his best childhood friend died a year or two after they graduated high school (so about fifteen years ago) in a fire out in Washington state. He never talked to me about this friend much, but he always had momentos of this friend everywhere. I also found it interesting because he wrote a long poem about his deceased best friend about two years ago and posted it on Facebook in memory of the day he died. I almost couldn't believe it. I could barely get the guy to say he loved me, although I knew he did. But the poem was beautiful and led me to tears. I had no idea he had so much capacity to care for somebody else.
Can something like this add to avoidance?
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Post by Deleted on Mar 11, 2018 6:03:42 GMT
mary - That makes a lot of sense. The PTSD stuff aligns with my ex for sure. I would bet, knowing what I know now, that he either felt enmeshed or neglected (or both) while growing up. And then some of the things he told me about his exes probably added to his childhood wounds. I can start to see why he wants to be alone most of the time. I think he also suffered some type of trauma when he lost his best friend. He wasn't there when it happened, but his best childhood friend died a year or two after they graduated high school (so about fifteen years ago) in a fire out in Washington state. He never talked to me about this friend much, but he always had momentos of this friend everywhere. I also found it interesting because he wrote a long poem about his deceased best friend about two years ago and posted it on Facebook in memory of the day he died. I almost couldn't believe it. I could barely get the guy to say he loved me, although I knew he did. But the poem was beautiful and led me to tears. I had no idea he had so much capacity to care for somebody else. Can something like this add to avoidance? I actually think my avoidance keeps my PTSD "in check". There are lots of people with PTSD that are depressed, drink too much, antisocial,etc. I don't have these issues and my PTSD episodes are not frequent. |
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em
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Post by em on Mar 12, 2018 4:02:40 GMT
I've never looked at it that way, but it makes so much sense now. Thank you mary! I am replacing my anger at him with compassion the more I am involved and read through this forum.
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em
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Post by em on Mar 15, 2018 4:24:52 GMT
i asked him near the end of our relationship if he ever loved me and he said "there were times when he was in love with me" and that " relationships are unequal. one person always loves the other a little more" - which made me feel as if he wasn't so into me. i always felt like he loved me a lot, but then he would say crap like that. does any of this information provide better insight? Omg, so much of this resonated with my short-term ex (who I think was more FA) but especially the turning into a child bit and the bolded - he literally said that word for word to me in one of our last conversations during a nonsensical rant where he tried to pick a huge fight over nothing. He used it to justify his neglect of me... and then turned it around 10 seconds later to "prove" that I wasn't the one putting the effort in and that I didn't care about him. I sat there completely bewildered (as always) wondering how someone could have such a negative, skewed, and selfish view of love and partnership. My ex also seemed to have strong loyalty and care (yet also detachment) for his family and also said similar things about women controlling or wanting to change their men. His love for his family was what initially drew me to him... it's too bad it didn't extend to his romantic attachments. All the stories are so similar here, I don't know if that is comforting or scary. Oh wow, amblin. Thank you for the response. I am so sorry you went through that because I know how low it feels to be on the receiving end. Gosh, sometimes I read stories from other people on here and wonder if we dated the same guy. Just curious, what line of work is your ex in? I remember when my ex turned the blame around on me for things too. The night he broke up with me, I asked him why he did it. He told me it was "what I wanted." I have no idea where he got that from. Second question... I never uncovered why my ex became avoidant, but did your ex have issues with his family while growing up? |
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