em
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Post by em on Mar 11, 2018 0:58:10 GMT
After reading through a lot of posts on this forum, I am not so sure if I want to write my ex fearful/dismissive avoidant a letter. Some people on here say that avoidants don't really seem to care when the relationship is over, but others are saying they do care, but it's just in a different way. I have actually already written a short email per instructions from some very helpful members of this forum. It is short, does not go into deep emotions, etc. I basically ask how he is doing, mention that I regret how things ended (we last spoke a little over one year ago and it ended in an argument), and that if he ever needs anything I am there for him. I also mention at the beginning that he does not have to answer me if he doesn't want to. I am a proud person. I don't want to look like a complete fool by sending this. But we were very close friends before and after we dated. We went through a lot together. I know he cared deeply for me. I saw pain in his face when he knew he had hurt me. I am having a hard time focusing at work all of the sudden knowing that things ended with us one year ago after a big fight. I don't know what to do, and I'm feeling a lot of emotional anguish. What risk do I run of embarrassing myself if I write my ex a letter? And secondly, like I said, it has been a little over a year since we last spoke. I know he has been through some really stressful financial situations over the last year, but since I have not heard from him, does that mean he has absolutely no desire to speak to me? I know he said people usually have to initiate conversation with him, but I don't know if that also translates to a situation with an ex/ex best friend like me.  |
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 11, 2018 3:10:12 GMT
After reading through a lot of posts on this forum, I am not so sure if I want to write my ex fearful/dismissive avoidant a letter. Some people on here say that avoidants don't really seem to care when the relationship is over, but others are saying they do care, but it's just in a different way. I have actually already written a short email per instructions from some very helpful members of this forum. It is short, does not go into deep emotions, etc. I basically ask how he is doing, mention that I regret how things ended (we last spoke a little over one year ago and it ended in an argument), and that if he ever needs anything I am there for him. I also mention at the beginning that he does not have to answer me if he doesn't want to. I am a proud person. I don't want to look like a complete fool by sending this. But we were very close friends before and after we dated. We went through a lot together. I know he cared deeply for me. I saw pain in his face when he knew he had hurt me. I am having a hard time focusing at work all of the sudden knowing that things ended with us one year ago after a big fight. I don't know what to do, and I'm feeling a lot of emotional anguish. What risk do I run of embarrassing myself if I write my ex a letter? And secondly, like I said, it has been a little over a year since we last spoke. I know he has been through some really stressful financial situations over the last year, but since I have not heard from him, does that mean he has absolutely no desire to speak to me? I know he said people usually have to initiate conversation with him, but I don't know if that also translates to a situation with an ex/ex best friend like me. Ok...just from my own personal experience....every email or text I have sent my ex has triggered me...even when I tell myself it is ok if he doesn't respond...the fact is that I am seeking a response. You may be ok with no response....but consider what your true motive is for contact at this time. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Mar 11, 2018 23:34:06 GMT
I think tnr9 makes an important point. If you want to have your voice, okay, but if the person is DA then there's a good chance they won't write you back and that can be haunting in its own way. So I agree-- be ready for that possibility (or probability). I think with a DA we might do something like write a letter thinking it's for various reasons we are writing it, but on some level it's really out of a hope that it will somehow lead to a reconciliation, so be honest with yourself about whether you have some true motives that may be unlikely to be fulfilled. I write a thousand letters in my head but I've paid the price for the ones I've actually written and sent on paper/email...
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nic
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Post by nic on Mar 12, 2018 0:35:45 GMT
I think tnr9 makes an important point. If you want to have your voice, okay, but if the person is DA then there's a good chance they won't write you back and that can be haunting in its own way. So I agree-- be ready for that possibility (or probability). I think with a DA we might do something like write a letter thinking it's for various reasons we are writing it, but on some level it's really out of a hope that it will somehow lead to a reconciliation, so be honest with yourself about whether you have some true motives that may be unlikely to be fulfilled. I write a thousand letters in my head but I've paid the price for the ones I've actually written and sent on paper/email... I agree. Think about the purpose of the letter. If there is no response that could be hurtful. If there is a response and you do somehow rekindle, will that be a good thing? On my phone's notepad, I have SO many letters that were never sent. It helps to write them sent or not, just to get it off your chest. Sometimes I look back at them and thank GOD I never sent them. Including the novel I wrote this morning that was ridiculously long. Im so thankful that I chickened out and settled for a shorter more positive greeting because his response was that his Dad died last night. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2018 1:20:22 GMT
hi, i'm new here.
i'm avoidant.
i don't want to presume to tell you what to do.
however, i have a suggestion.
i think there is no limit to how simple you should keep this, if you want to reach out and see if this person is interested in a dialog.
if he is avoidant he knows he doesn't have to answer. That's the assumption unfortunately. :/
Bringing up the possibility of answer/no answer, to me, is awkward.
if someone sent a message to me like that i would smell fear and insecurity. My take is that the reason you are nervous about this is because you have a wish for an outcome but i don't know for sure, only you do.
also, to offer help of any kind without even beginning a reciprocated dialog sends the same message of over-reaching.
i would scratch my head if someone i haven't spoken to in a year offered me help or anything.
a safe, simple message would be appropriate, in my mind, to gauge if he has any interest in communicating.
even though you have a lot of feeling around reaching out, a simple "Hello, i thought of you. How are you?"
seems like a very good way to go.
if that gets ignored, it's not much to feel embarrassed about.
If he has any interest in talking, it seems like he would respond.
just my take , obviously i am not him. another perspective.
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Letter?
Mar 12, 2018 3:37:55 GMT
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Post by ruggedlygentle on Mar 12, 2018 3:37:55 GMT
Agree with muppet. Its counterintuitive, but the more effort, the less likely someone is to respond. Also, if they have not proactively reached out, there is a lower likelihood of any genuine interest and more likely that the response is out of guilt. That said, I have seen the rare occasion of someone waiting for the other person to reach out and the timing is just right (e.g., was thinking of them or just got out of a bad date/ relationship).
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Deleted
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Letter?
Mar 12, 2018 3:45:53 GMT
via mobile
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2018 3:45:53 GMT
Agree with muppet. Its counterintuitive, but the more effort, the less likely someone is to respond. Also, if they have not proactively reached out, there is a lower likelihood of any genuine interest and more likely that the response is out of guilt. That said, I have seen the rare occasion of someone waiting for the other person to reach out and the timing is just right (e.g., was thinking of them or just got out of a bad date/ relationship). i was going to add that as well. a complicated or over-reaching letter (and after a year, anything beyond "hi how are you" seems over reaching to me) might provoke a sense of obligation to respond in order to not seem like a jerk. simple is confident. imho then at least if you fall apart later because of no response it wasn't because you came off as needy, it's just because you're disappointed in the outcome. i'm all about saving face and minimizing risks too lol. |
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em
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Post by em on Mar 12, 2018 3:56:53 GMT
Wow, so much great insight here. It's a lot to take in and think about. The first time we stopped talking, he told me he was disappointed because he always wanted to remain in contact with me. He told me that he had many moments when he wanted to talk to me, but just never reached out. Part of me does really think he would respond, but I wouldn't know if it would be out of guilt or not.
I am still taking all of this in, but is it safe to say that since he has not reached out, that he definitely isn't interested any longer??
I assumed that the normal rules don't apply for him, because he told me many years ago that he never reaches out to people on his own. And that people have to initiate with him. So I have always been under the assumption that he still might care, but it's just not in his nature to reach out on his own.
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Deleted
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Letter?
Mar 12, 2018 4:02:39 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2018 4:02:39 GMT
well, avoidants are all different and no one here can say what his position is.
considering that , the only advice that would be helpful, is advice about your letter.
my approach in any situation is to be direct and simple.
it gets your question about his interest answered.
in my opinion it is detrimental to agonize over it.
it seems much more reasonable to make contact, ask direct questions, and go from there.
is being disappointed worse than wondering? i don't think so. because it gets you in reality, no fantasizing or needless worry.
once you know how it goes you can deal with it.
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em
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Post by em on Mar 12, 2018 4:09:32 GMT
muppet, that's very true. I will keep it short. I just realized that he probably changed his email address to his new work address and I do not have that one. Is a text okay for this? Or would Facebook message be appropriate? Those are really my only two options.
He is probably going to be shocked if I message him. I have a pretty good feeling he assumed I would never talk to him again. I will probably have to wait another few weeks to do this though. I have something coming up at work that I really need to focus on.
I wonder what avoidants think when an ex contacts them again. How AP of me to think of that. Ha.
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em
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Post by em on Mar 12, 2018 4:13:34 GMT
Also, I just don't think that if an avoidant doesn't contact you that it means they're not interested. I think there is no useful information to take from no contact from an avoidant ex in many cases. Also, over the past year that we have not spoken, I heard he was fired from his job and went through a lot of life issues. I know that pulling himself out of that mess was the only thing on his mind. There was no way a relationship was on his mind. He may very well not be interested to talk to me again, but I'm not sure if the lack of contact spells that out specifically... also because I initiated the no contact.
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Letter?
Mar 12, 2018 4:14:37 GMT
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Post by ruggedlygentle on Mar 12, 2018 4:14:37 GMT
em - I think the less intrusive the medium the better.
Least intrusive: email (definitely stick to personal email and not work email)
2nd least: likely facebook messenger
3rd least: text
4th least: a letter (counterintuitive, but only b/c a letter is so much effort that it feels overwhelming)
5th least: a phone call
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Deleted
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Letter?
Mar 12, 2018 4:29:34 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2018 4:29:34 GMT
Also, I just don't think that if an avoidant doesn't contact you that it means they're not interested. I think there is no useful information to take from no contact from an avoidant ex in many cases. Also, over the past year that we have not spoken, I heard he was fired from his job and went through a lot of life issues. I know that pulling himself out of that mess was the only thing on his mind. There was no way a relationship was on his mind. He may very well not be interested to talk to me again, but I'm not sure if the lack of contact spells that out specifically... also because I initiated the no contact. there is no way to know without asking him. its useless to speculate but i understand the desire to figure it out. but there is no way to accurately assess his mind. it's not right , in my opinion, to try. it's not fair to him, in my opinion, to speculate and adjust your actions according to what you come up with. not that you are trying to be unfair. but let him represent himself. silence is an answer. an answer is just a beginning of a dialog and nothing should be assumed, just from a response. let him answer your brief message. any medium is fine. he doesn't need kid gloves. |
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Letter?
Mar 12, 2018 12:42:30 GMT
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 12, 2018 12:42:30 GMT
Good luck Em...I have been in your shoes regarding contact....and not just in the written form either....for me, silence is unacceptable....it leaves too many opportunities to swirl into the depths of my AP.....perhaps it is different for you. I agree with keeping it short, direct and open if you want to down this road. I wish you luck and hope he responds.
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Post by kelvain on Mar 12, 2018 15:31:43 GMT
Hi em. There are so many valid points made in the responses from all of these wonderful members! If I were you, I would do the short, innocuous inquiry... "Hey there. You were on my mind and I wanted to reach out to say hi and see how you've been. Hit me back when you get a chance". Anything more than that will come off as needy, pleading, subservient, etc. and could likely scare him away as I'd mentioned in the other string.
I agree with many observations/suspicions that you do have a secret hope/expectation that this will lead to a reconciliation between the two of you, even though you aren't voicing it. Writing a letter/email of any greater length, and with offers of help amongst other things will soothe your anxiety, which is great. But at what expense? You could possibly push him away further.
Just remember although some of the insights being offered my contradict your thoughts/hopes of what you want to hear, many of us are speaking from past experiences and a wealth of knowledge, as we want to see the best of circumstances for our fellow forum members.
Keep us informed on how things go. We're all supporting you!
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