Spinoff from dissociation...Goldilocks inner child

Trying not to hijack the other thread and starting one for my story.




The first time I have really cried my heart out for baby Goldilocks, was because I have lacked safety. It was soon after my father had died, and I cried and screamed so much that my neighbour came over. She thought I was crying because I missed my father as I could not explain the situaton to her beyond telling her about my father´s death. In reality I was crying because all the safety needs I realise I actually had that my father could not give me and had not given me and the danger he has put me in.


My father has severely neglected me when I was very small. As he was drinking and not working, my mother had to be the provider. He has left me home alone as a baby at least twice and had been home drunk and not performing any care several times. That I know from my mother and the divorce papers. My father has told me about letting me fetch his beers when I was a toddler. At some point after my second birthday, there has been a very dangerous abusive situation and my mother realised that my life was in danger and started the divorce process. those things I know with relative certainty. My mother has also told me my father has beaten me badly once. My father took baby Goldi to bars and god knows what could have happened.

I grieved about having been exposed to my father when we had visitation. At age 11 I ended it because I started seeing into his character and realised I could not be in contact with him and grow up in  a healthy way. My father has been dead to me to some degree from that point onwards. I used to resent my mother for wanting the visitation while knowing, yet not telling me that my father had been violent with others and killed his pet during that time. Now I have peace with her decision and the need for me to end contact with my father, because in the end, this has not given me the opportunity to romanticize my father. Having to be the one to dismiss my father has made me DA, with all th strengths and all the pains this entails. Yet I also mourn for the child that has been exposed to the risk of needless death.

Inner child Goldilocks had to be quiet and not need much and had to be wiser an tougher and more clever than the adults and it was really hard. She was never truly safe enough to relax and be playful and foolish and all the things children can normally be.

After his mother died, my father has told my uncle he had read a book about how NPD can stem from an unhealthy relationschip with the mother and that he believed he had this. I know my grandmother used my father as a partner and best friend when he was really young. My father had very low empathy and I also think he did have NPD, possibly even ASPD. He was not capable of love, but did love me within his limited ability. But it was like he loved his computer or a rare book or plant. Not enough for me as his love was neither safe nor warm. I have not been able to love him, but I have forgiven him. I do love my mother very much. She has done the best she could in a hard situation and has warmth in her heart for me.