Spinoff from dissociation...Goldilocks inner child

It was my animus indeed. When I finish editing the next piece of my life story, you will see what happened next.
I'll be ready in a few hours.

~❤~

I'm also reading Estes book now, and starting on La Selva Subterranea.

Another dream, that happened in the space between dreaming and waking. It happened the night before my last therapy session.



I am a preteen girl, heasring a male voice: He speaks about me, observing me. These are his thoughts and he thinks I cannot hear them, but I can.

He thinks I am so quiet and so pretty and he wants to force his love on me. He is thinking about how he will rape me. There is a whole train of thought along these lines, streaming....



Why am I afraid of approach?



Would my father have abused me sexually if I had continued visitation into my teens?



He has not abused 11yo Goldi, but he has made sexual jokes twice that made her feel uneasy. He has not had access to 14yo Goldi, but he has stalked her like an unwanted admirer would.



My father also had an unhealthy relationship with his own mother, who had on an emotional level made him her romantic partner when he was only a young boy. She worshipped the image she had of him and forced him to live up to it. He could not and she became increasingly delusional about him. He became increasingly dependent on her, for seeing him as better and greater than he turned out to be.



His letters to me also had an element of role play. I felt disgust about these letters.



My instinct are like the fiercest, strongest and biggest wolf. My wolf is a mind reader. She sees the pebbles even before they land on my path. She not only growls at those who hold a knife, showing she is ready to rip them up with her teeth...She growls at those who are thinking of the knife they have at home, planning and plotting or even just entertaining the idea and testing the waters.



I have discovered a deep seated belief in me that to be loved romantically, a man must hold a desire to hurt me sexually. This makes love a scary, revolting and dangerous endeavor. Yet I also have keen instincts that kept me from being harmed. I now realise that a large part of my life, I have been instinctively looking for men who had the capacity to hurt me, but would not harm me. This is not something I am aware of until now.



The feeling of disgust in relation to romance is not a socially acceptable one. Yet it is for some of us a valid and authentic emotion. The inability to recognize and express this feeling made me feel incredibly lonely whenever it came up in the moments that were supposed to feel juyful and warm. Things simply feel as they feel, whether it is what society tells us we should feel, or not.



Many of the men that have pursued me, shown interest in me, and been in love with me have been potential abusers. I have dodged many bullets. Rejecting a guy after a few dates only later to find of he has abused his next girlfriend. Going out to dinner with a guy and feeling unsafe with him, then ghosting on him only to find out he has committed multiple rapes.



Yet, I have had only two real committed relationships, both with healthy and safe men. My first boyfriend was a great guy with whom I have had a great mental and sexual connection and he broke up because something was missing. (I think emotional intimacy) We dated when I still tested dismissive avoidant. Our sexuality had a kinky flavor to it and in a relatively safe way I satisfied my unconscious quest for hurt without harm. Much later, after I had already tested secure, I have had a second boyfriend who was also a great guy. With him, I have had a deep friendship and emotional connection, but the sexual polarity was missing. On the whole, this is actually a pretty good love life given the dating landscape I have faced.



Before both of these relationships, I have had a non serious puppy love who was kind although he had a mental problem. I am glad I did not stay with him allthough he meant no ill. Another guy loved me at first sight and was very sweet and sexy, but also a high school dropout who had admitted to being open to crime. Had I chosen to marry either, I would have had a hard life.



I have also dated several jerks after my first relationship, but never became serious with any. Two times it happened that I have been dating a guy and they acted like they were single, but only later told me they were actually in a realtionship already. Both guys ended their relationship to be with me. I told them I would not commit to them from the get go just because they left a commitment to be with me. Both had felt entitled to it. While dating after they had become single, I broke up with them both. One because I felt far too stressed in the relationship and he was not helping me with this. He was basically not good in the situation and not good for me rather than an actual bad person. The other because he was simply a bad person all round. He was screwing people over both in business and in his personal life. He also broke an item when angry during an argument and after that I orchestrated the relationship into ending. I did not feel safe breaking up directly.

I had the guts and the wolfs heart to end things before hurt could turn to harm.



There are several aspects to Goldi the young girl. A pure golden heart that wants to prevent all harm. A wild wolflike face that sniffs out the slightest sign of danger. She also includes darker parts. The part that wishes to be hurt and senses the darkness inside an apparantly decent man. The blackest part of my soul was a raging teenage girl that wanted to use the darkness inside wicked men. That part wanted to attract such a man, gain control over him, becoming disgusted with him and then leaving him to prove she was stronger. To prove she could win. When I released that part of me, it felt like an exorcism. I am an atheist and I have never witnessed one except in horror films, but it felt like releasing a screaming and kicking black shadow from my body. The shadow transformed into a crying and weak little girl. I comforted her and was liberated. Then, my soul was once again pure and innocent. 


After this moment, I felt no desire to date and went celibate for years. Working on myself, healing, getting to know little Goldi in a way. Not in one as focussed as I do now. Not in therapy and connection with others. But deep work nonetheless. I no longer attracted bad men. Then, I tested as secure. Once I was living on my own and feeling some safety, I went on a few dates with men, all of whom normal, and met my second boyfriend.



It is a true miracle that I have gotten safely from 11yo Goldi to grown Goldi, given the situation I have been in. I am in the deepest awe and gratitude for my self.

Awe and gratitude,yes!
you've been able to take good care of yourself.
and, it's all a miracle.

I wasn't able to avert some really difficult and nearly devastating things, but i did more than survive them, and i feel the same about myself.

Very glad you've been able to work through this.
and thank you for sharing it.

I was thinking, today, that i will re-read Wolves with you.
it's been a couple decades, i bet it would mean even more to me now!
Estes contributed SO MUCH to my journey.
I'll order a copy- or, better yet, see if i can borrow my mama's. Ironically, suffering as she was, and in spite of the suffering she unintentionally caused, she is the one who introduced the book to me. Feature that.

I find it beautiful that in my lineage, there have been so many wounded men and women, but all were incredibly strong and had something good to pass on anyway.

I realize that they passed a bunch of their pain to me, but all my positive attributes come from them as well.

It's all a grand adventure, a meaningful tale, there's a moral to the story. Harrowing, but i own it and wouldn't change it. It's been worth gaining what i have gained , no doubt about that for me.

Love, only love and nothing but love.





Possibly.





This is why.



A man recently told me “No matter what has happened to you in the past, you are love, you are only love and you have nothing but love in you.”



In the moment I tought it was cool he did not notice the remainder of my DA defense system. Yet now I realise my defenses were already an expression of the deepest and purest love.


Once I realize this and speak it all out loud, all of me seems to transform.


I am deeply grateful for my bulletproof jacket as it has protected me from the worst kind of harm. My detector has been incredibly sensitive. While in court people are innocent until proven guilty, I hold no shame for my system not only keeping out those who have already harmed others, but also those who are thinking of doing so. I thank my defense system for having kept every truly horrible person away from me. I did not get killed or retraumatized. I am not stuck in a soul destroying relationship. I have survived and thrived.



This is an expression of the deepest self love and a I am grateful in my soul for having created this extra strong defense. Lo and behold... I feel all my defenses melting into my soul. All is love, only love and nothing but love.



I have let go of my defenses, no longer needing them. Yet also not needing to get rid of them. The deep gratitude I feel for my defenses is precisely what allows me to release them. The core question in my quest as a DA has been “How have my defenses been an expression of the purest and deepest love?”



Then I go to my therapist and tell her all of this.



Everything is whole now and all that was frozen is flowing. Inside the melting ice are so many insights and words of wisdom. Everything is okay as everything is love. I feel extatic joy. I am on the ground shaking. I am laughing while crying and crying while laghing and enjoy the happiness, enjoy the pain, enjoy the sadness and enjoy the anger. All my feelings are okay and all are flowing in my body. Everything is okay. Inside and out. I am ready to face all as I trust the incredible strength I have inside me.



All is well.



Being in awe of the strength I have inside me makes me realise that I can now trust the world exactly because I have such deep trust in myself. I hold no fear...I release all the fear.



I no longer need to be alone in life. Nor do I need to be together. All good things of being together I already have while alone. My heart is full of love already. I am also as safe together as I am alone. I can be alone together and together alone and all at one.



Considering Goldilocks at all ages...



Does she sound like she would marry an abuser?

Does she sound like she would marry a man who would even impede her happiness?

Do I have any reason to fear marriage?

No, no and no.

My instincts are fine.

I feel no compulsion to marry, but if I would choose to do so, it would only be with a kind and loving man with whom I can live in ecstatic happiness.

I feel no compulsion to remain alone, but if I would choose to do so, I already have all the love in my heart and would lack nothing. For indeed I am love.



I am at peace with all outcomes.



My vulnerability is so strong it does not need to be protected.



Even my defenses have never been anything but love. If love is water, then my defenses were ice. As I feel all the ice melting and all the beautiful thoughts streaming into my heart from the melted ice, I know that all is love and all is one and all is okay.



All is well.



All has always already been well.



Now I am all of me. I am all of the best parts of what I have ever been. The pure lovable innocense of baby Goldi, the fierce wild woman nature of preteen Goldi who kicked ass, the playfulness of naughty teen Goldi and the wisdom to trust the inner learning and transformational process of adult Goldilocks. I am whole.



My riddle is solved.

goldilocks , i get it.
thank you!
❤️