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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2018 3:07:11 GMT
I am so sorry that you are watching someone you care about prepare to pass. I have delt with a lot of death in my life too. I want you to know that you are doing an amazing job by allowing yourself to cry, being emotioanlly honest with your partner and reaching out. Don’t be hard on yourself what you are dealing with is more than most can handle. I know there in no right way in times like this, there is just your way and that is Ok. You will get through this the best way you can because you are strong and mindful of your deactivating behaviors. I can relate to feeling frustrated and overwhelmed that my internal emotional battles that won’t just stop and allow me to be the person I work so hard to be. Maybe, allow yourself this time to feel the way you do and tomorrow or the next day start working back towards opening up and find your balance again. Take peace in knowing those who care about you will still be there when your ready. to reamerge. this post touched me, and especially because you noticed that i am overwhelmed that my internal emotional battles will not allow me to be the person i work so hard to be. that is exactly right. i love who i am for the most part and my independence is a strength to me. but at times like this it goes haywire. i could have hurt my partner badly, i could have hurt myself also by sabotaging. I feel powerless over it when it is happening, and then i look back and just can't believe it. i can't believe that i used to pick fights and hurt him when i was feeling this way. he has forgiven so much. i am glad that we don't do that to each other any more. we handle it differently. this is the most secure i felt based on his response, that i ever have. so i feel like tomorrow will be better. also, all of you empathizing with my situation, with pain and death so prominent in my life right now, i notice this has helped me feel a lot more peace this evening. Like, even when i lose my loved ones, or i distance from my partner, there are so many wonderful humans there to catch me and help me. I don't usually notice that so much, the way that others can help me feel lighter and not alone. i don't usually need that at all. it makes me feel a little more able to relax with my partner. i do look forward to talking to him on the other side of this. we had such a great weekend and then this. im still not quite over it. i'm glad he isn't feeling threatened, i'm glad also he kept contact simple and will let me have the space to recover. good grief this is stupid. it seems like i should just be able to get it together and be normal. thank you, for being so supportive, i don't even understand this myself. i read some literature on dismissive i haven't seen before. it was gentle. so that helped also. |
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Post by ulrike21 on Apr 18, 2018 4:52:55 GMT
Juniper,
You help so many people on here, myself included. I am so sorry that you are facing the loss of a loved one. Not being able to do anything to relieve her pain and suffering is so difficult.
I think writing about your feelings on here not only helps others to relate but is hopefully giving you some relief.
I think what you are feeling and expressing is normal and you already have got it together! Your partner sounds wonderful. You sound like you deserve the very best!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2018 8:38:41 GMT
I am so sorry that you are watching someone you care about prepare to pass. I have delt with a lot of death in my life too. I want you to know that you are doing an amazing job by allowing yourself to cry, being emotioanlly honest with your partner and reaching out. Don’t be hard on yourself what you are dealing with is more than most can handle. I know there in no right way in times like this, there is just your way and that is Ok. You will get through this the best way you can because you are strong and mindful of your deactivating behaviors. I can relate to feeling frustrated and overwhelmed that my internal emotional battles that won’t just stop and allow me to be the person I work so hard to be. Maybe, allow yourself this time to feel the way you do and tomorrow or the next day start working back towards opening up and find your balance again. Take peace in knowing those who care about you will still be there when your ready. to reamerge. this post touched me, and especially because you noticed that i am overwhelmed that my internal emotional battles will not allow me to be the person i work so hard to be. that is exactly right. i love who i am for the most part and my independence is a strength to me. but at times like this it goes haywire. i could have hurt my partner badly, i could have hurt myself also by sabotaging. I feel powerless over it when it is happening, and then i look back and just can't believe it. i can't believe that i used to pick fights and hurt him when i was feeling this way. he has forgiven so much. i am glad that we don't do that to each other any more. we handle it differently. this is the most secure i felt based on his response, that i ever have. so i feel like tomorrow will be better.
This one. Tomorrow will be better. I'm FA but I can relate. In moments like this I feel like everything is the end of the world, it overwhelms me, I want to run away from the world, from everything that reminds me of my pain simply to calm my mind, to soothe myself. I often don't feel at ease or myself, so I burn bridges thinking that I've ruined everything, that nothing matters but my current state. It's easy though. Have compassion for yourself. Think of yourself as a child. A hopeless child. You can't expect from a child to deal with everything on their own. Their problems are usually exaggerated. They lightly bump their head and cry their heath out. It's a moment when a caregiver steps in, calms them down and tells them they know it hurts but they'll be ok. They feel safe and know they'll be ok. I suspect you don't feel that security so you have to do everything you can to protect yourself from this pain. We shoot ourselves in the foot, we always want to deal with problems alone, dismissing. It's how we learnt to cope. At some point it piles up, overwhelms us and we don't know what's happening. We can't accept help either. While healthy, secure people have support networks, they know that nothing bad will happen because they are safe. After years of observing my DA, I know that talking, opening up to someone is a GREAT relief for him but it also overwhelms him very easily. If he shares too much he becomes angry or disappears. Assuring it's ok and changing subject, distracting him works then. I think it would be beneficial for you if you found a person who can actively listen, but keeps to themselves and then in your own time in SMALL doses just try to share what's bothering you in a moment. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2018 12:27:37 GMT
this post touched me, and especially because you noticed that i am overwhelmed that my internal emotional battles will not allow me to be the person i work so hard to be. that is exactly right. i love who i am for the most part and my independence is a strength to me. but at times like this it goes haywire. i could have hurt my partner badly, i could have hurt myself also by sabotaging. I feel powerless over it when it is happening, and then i look back and just can't believe it. i can't believe that i used to pick fights and hurt him when i was feeling this way. he has forgiven so much. i am glad that we don't do that to each other any more. we handle it differently. this is the most secure i felt based on his response, that i ever have. so i feel like tomorrow will be better.
This one. Tomorrow will be better. I'm FA but I can relate. In moments like this I feel like everything is the end of the world, it overwhelms me, I want to run away from the world, from everything that reminds me of my pain simply to calm my mind, to soothe myself. I often don't feel at ease or myself, so I burn bridges thinking that I've ruined everything, that nothing matters but my current state. It's easy though. Have compassion for yourself. Think of yourself as a child. A hopeless child. You can't expect from a child to deal with everything on their own. Their problems are usually exaggerated. They lightly bump their head and cry their heath out. It's a moment when a caregiver steps in, calms them down and tells them they know it hurts but they'll be ok. They feel safe and know they'll be ok. I suspect you don't feel that security so you have to do everything you can to protect yourself from this pain. We shoot ourselves in the foot, we always want to deal with problems alone, dismissing. It's how we learnt to cope. At some point it piles up, overwhelms us and we don't know what's happening. We can't accept help either. While healthy, secure people have support networks, they know that nothing bad will happen because they are safe. After years of observing my DA, I know that talking, opening up to someone is a GREAT relief for him but it also overwhelms him very easily. If he shares too much he becomes angry or disappears. Assuring it's ok and changing subject, distracting him works then. I think it would be beneficial for you if you found a person who can actively listen, but keeps to themselves and then in your own time in SMALL doses just try to share what's bothering you in a moment. thank you for this. yes sometimes i feel as though i've burned bridges. intentionally. and that people won't let me come back. so that adds stress. But the way my partner handled it and me took that fear away. Left to my own i would have tried to back out of the relationship but he wasn't shaken, or if he was he didn't show it. i sent him a good night text to thank him for his sweetness and wish him a good night sleep to deal with all he has on his plate also. i have a small lingering thought that perhaps i am wrong and i do actually need to stop loving him so i don't get hurt but i recognize that i am just hung over and not done with the trigger so i am not going to give that any weight. the good thing about a DA trigger (what a joke, it's horrible) is that it's impossible to really overthink because it isn't anxious, it's avoidance and my mind can't hold a thought long about anythingit just gets fuzzy and the physical feelings and simple emotions take precedence. So i will just let that go and deal with it later. I didn't relate at first to what you were saying about being a child. i thought, no, this is a very adult theme. I have always felt this way as an adult. But then suddenly it hit me. An anxious person feels triggered to their childhood if i understand this right. Feeling small, vulnerable, in need of assistance and reassurance? I have read about the childhood conditioning of a DA and i fully relate to that. However, i have never realized that when i deactivate to this intensity i am very much in little Juni. i didn't recognize it because it's such an INDEPENDENT state. I always associate little child stuff with dependence. So it's a little stunning, that i missed this obvious factor. Anxious are conditioned by intermittent reinforcement from caregivers, right? so when in distress they look for reassurance. But DA , i guess, are conditioned by NO REINFORCEMENT , so when triggered, we look for none? we go hard into our insides to rectify what's wrong. This is so shockingly clear to me that that is what happens to me. I just didn't realize that the sense of overwhelm and intensity is because little Juni was terrified. I am not terrified, as an adult, on a normal day. I am for the most part able to be present and resilient in the face of intense situations. But little Juni, well, she's little. So it's big me feeling small. I am kind of surprised that i have done so much inner child work but didn't get to this understanding until this moment. It's another layer. Perhaps because i haven't shared myself with people during a trigger as i did here, so that someone could help me see it. Traditionally it passes and i re-emerge without blinking and nobody knows what happened but me. So wow. that's deep and pretty sad. but it's good to know. today i see one of my soul friends. she is dismissive also. but very sensitive. she is like my child twin. when i talk with her she is able to reflect myself back to me and even validate what i can't articulate, much like goldilocks. Also when she hugs me she doesn't let go right away like a fake hug, she hugs with her whole heart. So i am going to ask her for some extra time to recount what happened and see if she can help me with the fragile hungover feeling i have today. I have a full work day also so i will be out and about and interacting. Thank you for all this support. It was a terrible time but i am feeling a lot better. not all the way, but i am not overwhelmed. thank you so much. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2018 13:51:05 GMT
This one. Tomorrow will be better. I'm FA but I can relate. In moments like this I feel like everything is the end of the world, it overwhelms me, I want to run away from the world, from everything that reminds me of my pain simply to calm my mind, to soothe myself. I often don't feel at ease or myself, so I burn bridges thinking that I've ruined everything, that nothing matters but my current state. It's easy though. Have compassion for yourself. Think of yourself as a child. A hopeless child. You can't expect from a child to deal with everything on their own. Their problems are usually exaggerated. They lightly bump their head and cry their heath out. It's a moment when a caregiver steps in, calms them down and tells them they know it hurts but they'll be ok. They feel safe and know they'll be ok. I suspect you don't feel that security so you have to do everything you can to protect yourself from this pain. We shoot ourselves in the foot, we always want to deal with problems alone, dismissing. It's how we learnt to cope. At some point it piles up, overwhelms us and we don't know what's happening. We can't accept help either. While healthy, secure people have support networks, they know that nothing bad will happen because they are safe. After years of observing my DA, I know that talking, opening up to someone is a GREAT relief for him but it also overwhelms him very easily. If he shares too much he becomes angry or disappears. Assuring it's ok and changing subject, distracting him works then. I think it would be beneficial for you if you found a person who can actively listen, but keeps to themselves and then in your own time in SMALL doses just try to share what's bothering you in a moment. thank you for this. yes sometimes i feel as though i've burned bridges. intentionally. and that people won't let me come back. so that adds stress. But the way my partner handled it and me took that fear away. Left to my own i would have tried to back out of the relationship but he wasn't shaken, or if he was he didn't show it. i sent him a good night text to thank him for his sweetness and wish him a good night sleep to deal with all he has on his plate also. i have a small lingering thought that perhaps i am wrong and i do actually need to stop loving him so i don't get hurt but i recognize that i am just hung over and not done with the trigger so i am not going to give that any weight. the good thing about a DA trigger (what a joke, it's horrible) is that it's impossible to really overthink because it isn't anxious, it's avoidance and my mind can't hold a thought long about anythingit just gets fuzzy and the physical feelings and simple emotions take precedence. So i will just let that go and deal with it later. I didn't relate at first to what you were saying about being a child. i thought, no, this is a very adult theme. I have always felt this way as an adult. But then suddenly it hit me. An anxious person feels triggered to their childhood if i understand this right. Feeling small, vulnerable, in need of assistance and reassurance? I have read about the childhood conditioning of a DA and i fully relate to that. However, i have never realized that when i deactivate to this intensity i am very much in little Juni. i didn't recognize it because it's such an INDEPENDENT state. I always associate little child stuff with dependence. So it's a little stunning, that i missed this obvious factor. Anxious are conditioned by intermittent reinforcement from caregivers, right? so when in distress they look for reassurance. But DA , i guess, are conditioned by NO REINFORCEMENT , so when triggered, we look for none? we go hard into our insides to rectify what's wrong. This is so shockingly clear to me that that is what happens to me. I just didn't realize that the sense of overwhelm and intensity is because little Juni was terrified. I am not terrified, as an adult, on a normal day. I am for the most part able to be present and resilient in the face of intense situations. But little Juni, well, she's little. So it's big me feeling small. I am kind of surprised that i have done so much inner child work but didn't get to this understanding until this moment. It's another layer. Perhaps because i haven't shared myself with people during a trigger as i did here, so that someone could help me see it. Traditionally it passes and i re-emerge without blinking and nobody knows what happened but me. So wow. that's deep and pretty sad. but it's good to know. today i see one of my soul friends. she is dismissive also. but very sensitive. she is like my child twin. when i talk with her she is able to reflect myself back to me and even validate what i can't articulate, much like goldilocks . Also when she hugs me she doesn't let go right away like a fake hug, she hugs with her whole heart. So i am going to ask her for some extra time to recount what happened and see if she can help me with the fragile hungover feeling i have today. I have a full work day also so i will be out and about and interacting. Thank you for all this support. It was a terrible time but i am feeling a lot better. not all the way, but i am not overwhelmed. thank you so much. Of course you reacted this way. The same goes for my DA. A child is vulnerable, dependent and weak but he's nothing like this, he needs no one. It's an involuntary reaction, but if you are honest with yourself, you'll know. You are enormously self aware. In my understanding, in both cases it's all about fear and survival but the way of coping is different. Avoidants instead of begging for care, they simply 'chose' to detach, deny their needs, their own self, learnt how to be independent, how to take care of themselves as a form of protection from the hostile world. You don't have to protect yourself if you don't fear or feel helpless and powerless. You are a badass but a child. We all are. Most of the times when I distance or when my anxious side is triggered it's also because I don't feel like I have control. As for being triggered, have you tried journaling? To have a grounding and a reminder how you feel or think when your judgment isn't impaired? I often forget and when triggered, our thoughts are irrational. Like right now, I missed him so I broke our agreement (nothing big) and I want to run away. I feel like I need to end it. Especially because I promised not to do what I did. It's like a force, but I know I don't want it. But I'm... ashamed I had no control. I'm glad you're better now and I hope your friend will help even more. Being able to relate to someone is a powerful, healing thing. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2018 14:02:34 GMT
Juniper, You help so many people on here, myself included. I am so sorry that you are facing the loss of a loved one. Not being able to do anything to relieve her pain and suffering is so difficult. I think writing about your feelings on here not only helps others to relate but is hopefully giving you some relief. I think what you are feeling and expressing is normal and you already have got it together! Your partner sounds wonderful. You sound like you deserve the very best! thank you so much for this kindness. i am so touched by the outpouring of support. it only took one word, when my partner called me "baby" i knew i could drift without becoming completely unmoored. then he let me do my thing and i am sure he will be happy when i return. we only say "baby" to each other when we are drawing together. i haven't spoken with him yet but i will soon. i am still processing it all. i found out the specific series of events and triggers and thoughts and i want to write them all down here in sequence so i will remember it if (when) it happens again. i feel almost but not quite normal again, headed to a routine day that will help me settle. thank you again ❤️ |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2018 14:10:41 GMT
@mechristie you're right.
and, your DA is probably an earlier version of me.
i wasn't as aware of feelings and vulnerability and need for most of my life and did not feel raw, i needed no one and no thing.
i am much more soft and loving now. so the whole trigger is just awful.
i guess this is what is happening in a lot of unaware DA and it's so buried in physiological clouds and shutting down, they don't know it.
funny how i can't be sure but my past is muffled to me, i sometimes can only guess what was happening in me.
it's so exhausting but i feel almost exhilarated to have made it past the worst.
i feel the sun coming up in me again.
i am left with simple grief about my loved one who is hurting. but it's pure and simple. and i still am crying periodically about that.
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Post by shyloh on Apr 18, 2018 16:12:10 GMT
The periodic crying is a very common reaction to loosing someone to death and you never know when it will hit. I remember just grocery shopping and Bam! Then telling myself over and over just get to the car and cry then, just get to the car! It was very hard to control that intense need to release but you have to allow yourself and try not to shame yourself its part of your healing process. The loss of a romantic partner hurts but you know they are out there alive availble to contact if you choose. Death is an uncontrolable perminate loss so it is much more intense and will bring a lot to the surface.
As I read more posts I am starting to believe I have a more FA secondary attachment rather than AP
For me it is very hard to reach out when feeling overwhelmed to my romantic partner ( Because I am an adult and superwomen and I can handle anything). When I do its more about comfort than reassurance. When I get dismissed or minimized from my romantic partner I become triggered ( mother/dad did this alot when I was feeling extremme distress) and then I retreat as to say, “ Forget it, I’ll take care of myself.” But then, I feel very hurt, angry, and regected that I put myself out there and asked for help/comfort and got nothing. This leads to reflecting on the entire relationship and then anxiety on making a decision to stay or to go and that feels very urgent. This completely takes me away from my original issues. Maybe, this is my coping I am unaware if: I can’t focus on my real pain so I will focus on everything wrong in my romantic relationship, that’s easier.
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Post by goldilocks on Apr 18, 2018 20:52:29 GMT
DA attachment likely happens when we give up hope on our parents, while AP desperately hold on to hope. This is about our time as a baby under the age of 2, when it is not feasible to fully reject our parents as we depend on them for sustenance. I think any insecurely attached person feels stressed. Now how we instinctively respond to stress depends on what worked as a baby and as an older child. For me personally, at least during part of my first two years, my father was the primary caretaker and some days he did not do jack. So I can see how little Goldi learned that no matter how hard you cry, no one may come. My mother did take care of me when she returned from work, but crying more would not have brought her home earlier. To my father, there was emotionally no difference between a human, a book and a plant; he was not capable of love in the normal human to human sense. As for the part of childhood I remember, when around 5... My father was still as he was and thus not a shoulder. I've never really felt the desire to share emotions with my father as far as I remember. I do not remember having hopes for him on that level. The best I expected was some practical help, such as a helping hand and a plaster after scraping a knee. My mother was overburdened and while willing to provide comfort, often just had her plate full handling the basics. I guess I had already grown accustomed to self soothing at that point. The other thing is that when I did tell my mother about my sadness, she sort of took ownership over my emotional state, and overidentified with my feelings. Sometimes her feeling more sad about my dissapointment left me no room for my own emotions, sometimes she misinterpreted my emotions and I felt as if my emotions were shoved aside. We did cuddle, but moreso when I was happy or in a neutral mood. The best place to feel my dissapointment or sadness was indeed in my own company. There, I had the space to feel and process my feelings. When feeling stressed, I still want to be alone and feel my feelings and prefer not to reconnect until the worst is over. Even if the trigger is not the person getting overly close, but for example the guy I am dating flirting with another girl, I would feel stressed, seek to be away from him and associate the stress with him over time. An anxious person in that situation would seek reassurane and draw closer when perhaps feeling the same stress. At this time I have more awareness and my thoughts are not controlling me, but the pattern would be to feel not fear, but disgust and then start a train of thought on how this guy is not meant to be and perhaps there is all sorts of stuff wrong with him. Maybe he is a player and would only hurt me and come home with an std, maybe he is a manipulative jerk and trying to gain the upper hand maybe relationships in general just suck and being alone is really the way to go. So without awareness, any moves that cause discomfort lead to more distancing in the DA person. The only thing that feels relaxed is not too much pull and not too much push; the Goldilocks effect. Healing has also brought down my general stress level, so that is another thing that prevents unmanageable triggers. juniper sending you a nice bug hug. I'm glad you are feeling and managing it. You do really well and it's okay to feel as you feel. |
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Post by scheme00 on Apr 18, 2018 21:40:40 GMT
Goldilocks,you can write a book on this! I am impressed at how in touch you are with the reasons for your triggers and how you respond to others when you are triggered.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2018 21:41:46 GMT
goldilocks, so much good stuff in this post. i am still amazed at how i didn't recognize the little Juni being triggered. like i said, it's because complete independence feels so goddamn ADULT, i didn't rationally connect it to a child state. but duh. This deactivation was so profound. i am going to write out here the sequence so i can come back to it. it was first a severe emotional stress outside the relationship and immediately i shifted it to my relationship. i can see so clearly that the depth of the connection there began to feel dangerous because i care so much and am afraid of loss. so i just shifted over to that. then spent the day in a disconnected awful emotional pain. My mother told me all my life that i was difficult to love, which i have learned is a trademark NPD mother line. Not that she had a difficult time caring for me, no, the lack was not in her. the problem was that i am unlovable. so, i can see how she would have been remiss to give me much attention. She mellowed with her mental and personality problems over many years of spiritual growth and age and physical decline. my father is emotionally disconnected completely and your description of your father reminds me of mine, except that he never took physical care of me at all and i cannot remember anything about interacting much except when i would sit at the table while he ate breakfast and watch him and see him swallow his food. i'm sure we must have spoken at times but i dont recall it. maybe we didn't. he was an active alcoholic at the time and he and my mother hated each other violently. he was gone as much as possible. He spoke to me after the age of 7 i know because i remember it. he was ordered visitation after the divorce and when he was able to take us kids we did interact. my sister was his favorite and it was very clear. When i was born he was very sad and asked his family why such a fate had befallen him. he didn't want another child with my mother. but i'm ok now with all that. I first heard this story at a family thanksgiving and they were laughing at how upset he was at the hospital, crying and cursing and calling his sister for support. what he hell. but he got sober and we have built a decent relationship. I have ok relationships with both of them (divorced when i was 7), my dad is sober, mom has mellowed, i have done many years of deep work. thank you for being here, all who have supported and empathized and helped me take care of this inside myself. i'm doing much better. i'll talk to my partner soon, we are back in our busy days but have touched base. whew. in the earlier days of our relationship i would have thrown this relationship out and had that to deal with too. holy crap.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2018 14:11:19 GMT
"DA attachment likely happens when we give up hope on our parents, while AP desperately hold on to hope."
So very true. Even though my parents have mellowed with age, we have a nonexistent relationship. They are nothing to me and I am indifferent. I think back about the abuse and the memories once held bitter, painful feelings. Now, there are no feelings, they are events. They are strangers to me and I think, always were. Is this healing or dismissing. I don't know. But my energy needs to be spent on people that matter.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2018 14:22:51 GMT
"DA attachment likely happens when we give up hope on our parents, while AP desperately hold on to hope." So very true. Even though my parents have mellowed with age, we have a nonexistent relationship. They are nothing to me and I am indifferent. I think back about the abuse and the memories once held bitter, painful feelings. Now, there are no feelings, they are events. They are strangers to me and I think, always were. Is this healing or dismissing. I don't know. But my energy needs to be spent on people that matter. hi mary! good to see you! i think letting go is ok, part of healing. i was estranged many years. the next step of my healing was to reunify with a different self and perspectives based on the healing i acquired. but it was facilitated by healing on the other side as well. if that doesn't happen, it is what it is! It's your journey. sometimes our family doesn't come with us. i am estranged from siblings and at total peace with that. |
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Post by yasmin on Apr 19, 2018 18:02:45 GMT
The best place to feel my dissapointment or sadness was indeed in my own company. There, I had the space to feel and process my feelings. |
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Post by yasmin on Apr 19, 2018 18:10:59 GMT
I have the same process with this too. The distancing isn't just about all the things in Jeb's book where he talks about pulling away after a good date or being a workaholic or refusing to communicate or just being a "distant" partner. Actually my own experience of avoidance isn't so much like that at all and I don't think I actually am a distant partner. But my internal monologue is very much about self protection and isolating bits of myself from disappointment - which for me feels inevitable. Telling myself these negative things about how people will hurt me or reading negatives into their behavior. One thing my therapist has me doing with now is examining the way I relate to friends vs boyfriends. It's very different, and I feel like with boyfriends the distancing comes into play and with friends I just naturally assume the best and feel trusting and open. For example I am seeing someone new and they don't text me one day when they normally would, I'll tell myself he's a jerk or a player and is cheating on me, then I'll break it off or end the relationship. It's not AP behavior, because I genuinely want the person to go away (the same feeling of disgust you describe comes over me). I think this is distancing because I don't want their reassurance or attention - I want to escape this person. |
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