What are your deactivation behaviors?

🤮 i'm looking at that , i named some in the other thread but there are more.
i hate them.
will mull it over some more.

it's very hard for me to actually go thru a dating process to get into a relationship.
amazing i stuck with my partner but i did work at every step every day to do it. i am glad.

Yes, avoiding relationships altogether (romantic), but then engaging in impossible relationships is definitely my thing.  It seems so contradictory but I guess it really isn't.  They both end up with the same conclusion.  

i have a really strong internal loner mentality that has been dominant all my life, and sliding into that the moment i feel too vulnerable is so easy it's seamless. Outwardly i am gregarious and extroverted and love people (true, i do... but i don't give them all deep access...) but inwardly, i can be a thousand miles away and loving it.

However, i don't do it all the time, or even much. I think. haha. i become more aware as i go.

And i recognize it once i get to that invincible place, it's not as familiar there anymore. What i mean, is i am a lot more interdependent that i used to be. I still enjoy my autonomy and independence in a LOT of ways- but when it comes to intimacy i appreciate bonding too much to want to stay cut off, so i start to feel a little lonely or barren feeling when i am in Lone Juniper. It also feels false. As in, i am not invincible and i know it, i am likely afraid, and i need to find a way to get real because i am about to sabotage a relationship with someone i care about. This is only really operative in romantic situation now, as i feel secure in my other relationships.

Also- i have an edit function on my mouth where if i feel something i want to hide, good or bad, which makes me vulnerable and open to loss, i can magically transform it to obscure bullcrap before it leaves my lips. It's a dark art. It's left a lot of people (including me ) out in the cold and i try to stay on top of it now.

At one point, in my relationship, i was so stunned by how i hid my authentic self that i told my partner about it, and that i would be needing to blurt things out awkwardly and without editing if need be just to make sure i was being true to myself. I apologized in advance for how raw or unpolished that might be and he said it would be fine. At that point i assumed by "fine" that he didn't care anyway so my communication skills, while honest, reverted to a very simple style and i gutted it out. i figures i had nothing to lose (as i assumed he didn't care, so i was practicing on him. ) I spoke my feelings out really plainly and awkwardly for a while. I'm not talking about "tell it like it is" about someone else, i was "tell it like it is" about my feelings.
like, " i have realized that i love you and cannot imagine my life without you, the thought makes me have pain in my chest."
"i feel embarrassed about my inability to (whatever)"
"I don't assume you like me so i need you to tell me in a way i can understand."
and so forth.
I think it's good communication but it was very awkward for me and gave me stage fright (would actually swear) but it's easier now.

So, if i stop being forthright like that in my romantic relationship i am deactivating, most likely.

Also, an internal technique that is habitual to me is to remind myself that we all will die and who knows when, so love is nice but we all have to leave.... and my feelings go blank while i focus on practical matters. Vulnerability comes in later and i wonder what the heck i was thinking. It's kind of like dissociation in a way, a rational excuse not to care too much and then boom, no care. temporary. Although i used to live there i think.

I don't like any of these behaviors when it comes to my romantic relationship, they make me sad. but they arise automatically out of habit sometimes. So i am trying to just stay in touch with what is really going on in me so i can be honest about it.

Very similar to me.

i am in some pain because a person close to me has a life limiting illness and i am providing care.
Every time i see her i feel blessed to be able to provide comfort, the best i can.
It is not a problem for me, i have commited to it and am prepared to take care of her to her last moment.
I don't know when that will be, but she is in a lot of unbearable pain.
the doctors are trying to figure out how to address it. she has pain medicine but it is not effective.
The point is, she is in despair and wants to die.
she wants to be released. i cannot help her.
i can release her in my heart but there is nothing i can do to help her suffering, but be there for her.
I am brave while with, and i feel calm. I am not new to death. But last night i could not sleep, because i know that i am losing her.
The weight is so heavy. the sufffering, and the impending loss of her.

I noticed that at about 1:30 in the morning, i started to shut down. I wanted to change things with my partner, i developed the idea that i feel too much for him and have all my eggs in one basket by loving him like i do.
it made me feel desolate, to be vulnerable that way when i already feel so vulnerable.
I texted him that i need to back away for the both of us so i can collect my mind. i told him i was confused, and sorry.
I told him i was too sad to talk and i needed some time to sort myself out.
i couldn't see clearly what i was doing until later in the day , i have taken all day to try to un-do what is going on inside me.

Later in the morning, my partner texted me to empathize and tell me he knows i am hurting badly and struggling to deal with this situation without help. He said we are all good, not to worry. That made me feel better because i thought i ruined something. But he was fine.

Then, I talked to some friends about my heartache with the person i am taking care of. they are acquaintance type friends, not my closest. So i realized clearly that when in deep pain and deactivating i do not go to my closest friends. I don't really even consider it. I am clear that i am dividing up my emotional eggs and not relying on those closest to me. talking to friends i am not as close with maintains my sense of solitary independence. I cannot find comfort close to me. I never have in my life found comfort close to me and i cannot even try any more. That was my thought process, it was unconscious until i brought it to consciousness. i figured that out.

This is when i go to a place inside myself where i survive and find the grit to just deal with things. i understand that some people turn to others for support and comfort. I understand that. But i also realized today that when i am this affected i find it impossible to find comfort outside of myself.
IT DOES NOT EXIST and is not important or an option to me.
I cannot fathom it and have no desire for comfort outside myself. When i am that affected.

This is where i become very focused on the moment and my individual inner sanctum. I wouldn't let anyone in there no matter what. I have no need or desire to. That is how i self soothe. I go look myself in the eye and get calm. I isolate myself to take care of myself. I am taking care of myself and trying to take care of very intense pain and feelings of impending loss.

I came home from my morning and laid on my bed to sleep and i let myself cry.

I was able to go through the motions of the day, i didn't have work so i just lay down by myself quietly.

My partner texted me to see how i was just a while ago. I told him i was pretty checked out and wanted to disappear.
He replied, that he understands and feels that way sometimes too.

So i told him more than i have said to anyone close to me ever, i have never explained it to anyone i know. i wrote

"i'm sure you do. it makes me feel so raw, but numb and blocked off at the same time. i feel afraid of pain. i'm afraid to hurt any more so i just kind of blank out. i feel like pain is coming for me , it's waiting for me, and i can count on nothing. but myself.

it makes me want to be completely alone but that's not good either. i wish someone could just zap my brain and make me ok right now.

this is what i used to always be like when i was always alone and isolating. fucking hate it."

he texted back "Hang in there baby" and then i got overwhelmed with relief and cried and came on here to post.

I am going to try to call a friend close to me to talk about my day and let my sadness out. I was able only to do it over text with my partner and i am not yet quite ready.

I am overcome with emotion right now and just trying t find support to get back to letting people help me. It's been a horrible 16 hours or so. I used to go for a long time like this but now i see it it's harder to bear, i am just more awake and not as numb.

is that what happens then, the old patterns lose their effectiveness? Or we just can't stay unconscious?

I don't like this place because i feel so far away, when just a day or so ago i felt connected.

I didn't want to come back here because i am exhausted with the negativity about dismissive avoidants and i don't feel it's good for me to expose myself to it daily like happens here. But i am just going to stay in the support section to get through this.

will some avoidants please come help me if you can understand me.

thank you so much @serene13.
my heart is breaking.
she might live a long time, she might go soon, nobody knows.
it's the pain she is in, her despair. I can't lift it off her.
this is the first time i have been aware of deactivating from my partner in response to other stressors, but i am sure i have done it unaware in the past.
i am so thankful he didn't deactivate also as he is also avoidant.
we used to do that. one of us would distance, then the other would respond by distancing... we just abandoned each other i guess. i'm glad we don't like to be apart and finally admitted it to each other so it seems we are doing a lot better with the deactivations.
this probably just sounds so stupid to everyone.

i don't know what i would do if he wasn't so calm and stable for me right now, i was going to try to dissolve things somehow over just being overwhelmed. If he would have become defensive or angry i would be lost right now. i'm not ready to communicate very much with him or anyone else. I can't call my friend, i just am not going to do that but maybe i will feel better tomorrow. i have to see if i can make a plan with a close friend so that i arrange to meet them in person when i feel this way to see if i can go through this differently. i am not sure i am ready to do that but i am thinking about it.

i know that the inside of me doesn't really make sense to everyone but i appreciate kindness when i share it, i am in so much pain right now.