What are your deactivation behaviors?

As I am reading this, it makes me sad.

Faced with not getting something you desperately need, you come to that moment of choice.  What to do?  

a)  Try harder

b)  Give up. 

I've been talking a lot with my therapist about the roots of attachment disorders.


The caregiver (s) of the AP child are inconsistent.  Sometimes they're loving, sometimes not.  The child feels like their behavior can control how much love they get and they learn that their job in life is to try and earn love.  They become a performing monkey who desperately needs reassurance.

The caregiver (s) of the DA child are pretty consistent with their neglect.  They ignore.  They mock.  They don't respond to the child's emotional needs do the child grows up learning not to have any. They become a loner who doesn't need anybody.

The caregiver (s) of the FA child are also inconsistent, but it bears no relationship to the child's behavior.  Often the parent is scared themselves or scary.  The source of the child's comfort is the same as the source of their terror. They do not know what to do or what to expect so they learn how to keep their distance and once they do get attached they never know how to feel safe.  They become trapped between wanting to run away and wanting to get closer.



I think walking away from your parents is healing in your case because it feels healing.  I don't think it's avoidant to acknowledge that and surround yourself with people who provide things that feel better.  It's only avoidant to deny needing those things in the first place.


We learned how to do it this way because at the time we didn't have a lot of choice.  When small we just learned these ways of getting by and then they became so normal for us all.  I really want to heal from all this. It feels overwhelming sometimes, but hearing you all makes me feel a bit less alone with all this weighing on my mind.


I'd love to have secure attachment.

I really am not secure!!! But thanks @curious

I find even dating almost unbearable.

Good one - we are not our parents, we are not our past, we are not our mistakes, we are who we are as we continuously work on ourselves. Carpe diem.

The one pressing thing I haven't managed to crack is why are all the men I find attractive somewhat Avoidant? I know there are Freudian explanations, but ...they appear to me to be more physically attractive, objectively...am I missing something? Am I wearing distorted goggles?

Is this an unconscious deactivation?

I really hoped my relationship with my family would get better into adulthood, like I’ve seen with others. But it hasn’t. I ring once a week, get spoken at from a phone stuck in the middle of the table on speaker phone, I get angry and frustrated, I try to not show it, I struggle to get off the phone. Rinse and repeat. Most of the time I’m glad I live on the other side of the country.

I can accept intellectually that I couldn’t get what I needed from my family. As an 8 year old I knew that and detached. But something still wants that connection that just isn’t there and will never be there.

Exactly,@mary. I’m a negative person naturally, but this seems be the only thing I have hope in. Stuff for which, there is no hope

What I find working really well for me is compassion and forgiveness, especially for my ex NPD partner and his family. If you can somehow understand that they didn't choose to be emotionally unavailable, and that they experienced this (or worse) trauma with their families, leading to their inability to develop the normal neural pathways to connect, to have empathy, to bond, etc., you might just be able to let it go.

My own theory is that Evolution favors a % of the population with the lack of empathy as a necessary resource for when the population comes under threat, eg. from attackers. They will be the ones you want out in front slaying the enemies. During peace time, not so much.

It doesn't mean that you *hope* they will one day miraculously develop this dormant trait, and I most certainly wish to keep No/Minimal contact with people who harmed me, but you might gain great relief for yourself if you understand why, where and how.

I still can't do it for my stepmother even though she has passed away. Her very last breath was a curse for me, but it must also be a horrible life to have lived with so much poison inside oneself.

What I can do is to honor myself and my loved ones by living better, some day with a very decent man.

If it's my lizard brain then I've got a lot of work to do.

There were a couple of times when I did meet attractive secure-ish men, but I didn't have the guts to approach them and they didn't have the guts to approach me, probably because they were friends of my Avoidant/Not Avoidant but No-Chemistry dates.

I'm preparing myself for perpetual singlehood, tbh, though of course I keep dating....