How do you trust? I find that I give away too much trust in the beginning of a relationship. Over time, with each break in trust, the bucket empties a little more. Once the bucket is empty, I can not fill it again for that person. They cannot regain that trust. I have to walk away.
I find that other people start with an empty bucket and it fills or empties over time. It seems with this approach, trust can be lost and regained over and over.
I'm curious if either approach resonates with people or if there are alternate ways of looking at it? Thank you so much for any responses.
i relate a lot to what you say here about trusting too much in the beginning, and losing trust over time.
What i have found about myself, is part of that was reliant on a certain amount of invulnerability especially at the beginning. So i wouldn't say i was trusting, as much as- i always had an escape hatch. So how much did an offense really matter?!
My most powerful deactivation strategies are actually internal- so i would extend "trust" with no commitment at all- if they messed up, i was gone.
Well, that worked "great" as far as emotional unavailability and avoidance go, until things changed as i became more emotionally available (to myself and others) through therapy and awareness.
Looking back, at my current relationship, i thought i was "trusting" and "available" in the beginning, but i was constantly deactivating and being an avoidant. I talked like one, kept it shallow like one, hid so much about kyself, my life, my family, my hopes, my fears, my passions, my insecurities, my happiness, my sadness, my world. So, can i say i was trusting? trusting him with what? not to hurt me? i hurt him constantly. He never had permission to care about me. He never had permission from me to help me with anything, he didn't even know who i was. He knew what my walls looked like and that was about it.
It wasn't trust. It was an assumption, maybe, that he would be decent. Whatever that means. I held a different standard for him than i did for me, and that standard was higher. I can see that now, but i had no clue back then.
We have hurt each other , we have made amends, we have stalled and had false starts, we have let things "go" and secretly died about it, we have gone around the bush and finally, over time, trust was built through trial and error and working through thinkf we thought couldn't be worked through. Solving some problems together with sincere humility on both sides has created trust and intimacy.
What i learned, is that for every action, there has been an equal REACTION when it comes to pain, for him and i.
It is impossible to say who started it haha, i would say it was a joint defense effort that kicked off the pain cycle that ultimately showed me, it wasn't that trust was lost, it was never there. Not one bit!!!
So. It has only been work Inside Myself that has enabled me to extend trust, and a huge part of that, is being trustworthy MYSELF. When i became more aware of my defenses and felt enough love for myself to try to be more authentic, i realized i was more able to be ok, no matter what anyone else did- not because of walls but because of self care.
As i grew this way, and my partner behaved in habitual and defensive ways, i began to see him in a new light. More than apologies needed from him, i needed to express my humility for what i had done to create this dynamic with him. I offered my amends with absolute, unconditional sincerity, because i saw it all, what happened to me, to create me and sustain the painful life i had lived. this isn't about self blame, it's about understanding myself. with a ton of compassion, patience, and forgiveness.
over time, cultivating that attitude of forgiveness toward myself has made me able to extend it without strings to others. Not all whom i forgive can be in my life- but those who are in my life have room to mess up. It's about the big picture, the trajectory, the humility and sincerity involved.
Learning to trust myself, i have been able to have much better discernment about what to trust, what not. My internal clues are very valuable and i can recognize them. A lot of my trust failures (inappropriate trust, withholding trust), are a continuation of the "little girl " me.
But i am an adult now, and i have to remind that little kid in me that i have new approaches to things that are more appropriate now. I can tell when she's speaking up or wanting to play in the street (emotionally) because i have learned how to listen. and i can acknowledge her and teach her a safer way to be.
So, it's complex, takes time and support from others who have gone down that road, but it's possible to find out all the fears and denials and obfuscations that have arisen from the untrustworthy situation i was raised in and perpetuated with the patterns it created in me.
my partner and i have a level of trust i have never experienced with an intimate partner, ever. But we started messy and unconscious. We believed and behaved in ways that put us in the hole as far as trust goes, but somehow we both wanted to fix it over and over again.
and that is how we built trust.
We are still growing. I just saw him last night and was moved to tears as i was trying to fall asleep, holding his hand, thankful that he gave ME another chance... when at one point, i was so angry and resentful at him i never wanted to see him again.
And i know he feels the same way. i actually told him about my emotion and thoughts that i had hidden last night, this morning.
and he said he was thankful too and hugged me for a long time. And i trust that he meant it.
I don't know if this is how "normal " people feel when they love, but i just feel thankful and safe and i respect him a lot. Now we have trust. I am almost 50 and finally understand what that might mean- better late than never.
