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Post by shyloh on Apr 4, 2018 18:05:34 GMT
Thank you for all the input, it has really hellped.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 18:17:26 GMT
juniper, You definitely have something to add of your own! There is so much about men that you understand deeply. i have a twin brother, and an older brother, both DA. so maybe that helps. we all grew up at the same address, i know their insides. I love them and i believe in their sincerity. And i also see how difficult it is for them, neither of them have made a lot of progress in their own healing. I once called them both to share some things that i had discovered, but ultimately i think confronting the pain proved too difficult. They are both trying in their relationships, and committed. They are faithful, and doing their best. I just love them. But i have to do it from a distance, our family has a lot of pain. Anyway, personal musing over.... I love DA men. |
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Post by goldilocks on Apr 4, 2018 18:39:18 GMT
Awww, that sounds so sad.
I know my own road to healing has always been to go towards the pain and then work with it.
But it is really hard, even moreso for men in our society.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 18:45:07 GMT
Awww, that sounds so sad. I know my own road to healing has always been to go towards the pain and then work with it. But it is really hard, even moreso for men in our society. me too, i'm the only one in my entire family that has done the deep work. I don't know what makes the difference. I think my sister is FA. But i don't even know her well enough to be sure 🤔 none of my sibs are in therapy of any kind. My parents didn't go that route either. Anyway sorry for hijacking the thread shyloh , i hope you are able to stay with us for support if we can be of any help to you.  |
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Post by goldilocks on Apr 4, 2018 19:07:20 GMT
My mother has taken some therapy, but I think more on the level of behaviour and emotions. I doubt she got to the deeply buried constructs in her psyche.
On the more ontopic side, I have also learned that being emotionally connected during sex is actually hard for the general population.
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Post by goldilocks on Apr 4, 2018 19:26:40 GMT
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Post by shyloh on Apr 4, 2018 20:14:20 GMT
Human emotion and sexuality is so complicated. This article would suggest that men of all attachment styles struggle to be both
emotionally and sexually bonded with the same person. High levels of sexual intimacy give way to more emotional intimacy as the relationship matures. This notion seems to be on a
more extreme continuum for DA. Maybe as a partner of a DA it would be more benificial to the relationship to flucuate between emotional connection with little to no sexual pressure then focas more on sexual intimacy with no pressure to connect emotionally🤔
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Post by goldilocks on Apr 4, 2018 20:19:03 GMT
Michaele Boehm discusses this topic in one of her podcasts. Not in relation to attachment style. But her advice is exactly to start with oscillating.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 21:32:32 GMT
Human emotion and sexuality is so complicated. This article would suggest that men of all attachment styles struggle to be both emotionally and sexually bonded with the same person. High levels of sexual intimacy give way to more emotional intimacy as the relationship matures. This notion seems to be on a more extreme continuum for DA. Maybe as a partner of a DA it would be more benificial to the relationship to flucuate between emotional connection with little to no sexual pressure then focas more on sexual intimacy with no pressure to connect emotionally🤔 my partner and i do this (it's natural for us and as we are both DA works very well, for pacing it all) and both sexual and emotional intimacy deepen over time, i love it. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 21:37:51 GMT
i just want to add i trust this process fluctuating this way. i think it would be understandably difficult and create anxiety for other types but the sweetness deepens over time and we NEVER talk about the "relationship " we just live it.
i feel so happy.
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Post by shyloh on Apr 4, 2018 22:14:32 GMT
If I were to apply this to my relationship I would say; because we are working on our emotional connection in therapy I will not put pressure on our sex life.
I will share that this concept doesn’t feel natural to me. His DA puts me in a place of second guessing my natural way of connecting and that causes anxiety for me.
This relationship is my 3rd relatioship in my life. My first love = 7years and it ended peacefully. The second was with my husband and was 10 years He died in a car accident and 3 years later I met my current DA and this is by far the hardest for me.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 23:04:03 GMT
If I were to apply this to my relationship I would say; because we are working on our emotional connection in therapy I will not put pressure on our sex life. I will share that this concept doesn’t feel natural to me. His DA puts me in a place of second guessing my natural way of connecting and that causes anxiety for me. This relationship is my 3rd relatioship in my life. My first love = 7years and it ended peacefully. The second was with my husband and was 10 years He died in a car accident and 3 years later I met my current DA and this is by far the hardest for me. I'm sorry about your husband  and yes, i understand very well how this causes you anxiety. it has for me as well but that is due to the growing intimacy , different causes, but challenging still. i wish i could offer great advice but i always revert back to know yourself and take good care of yourself. and keep posting if it helps. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2018 17:26:17 GMT
i get the sense from your posting that you minimize any difficulty you add to the dynamic and see him as the problem.
You admit to having many stressors and issues, and getting drunk, but have revealed no fault of your own.
he told you he can't be himself around you.
can you drop your guard enough to see where he is coming from?
i am asking very directly , but with care, because i can freely admit my shortcomings in my relationship and doing so has bridged a gap and created a bond i appreciate very much. i don't have to hide any more.
just give it some thought, we all have areas to work on.
he cannot speak for himself here but it is certainly a safe place for you to speak for yourself and what you struggle with yourself.
if you want to see him as the problem that you don't have patience for do yourself and him a favor and stop now.
this sounds harsh but i am not coming from a spiteful place.
i have been in relationships where i thought as you do and i can look back and see they were doomed to fail from the beginning and a huge waste of time because i didn't see it takes two to tango. seems to be a human weakness but it's correctable.
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Post by shyloh on Apr 11, 2018 18:42:34 GMT
Sorry for the bad grammer on my phone
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2018 18:44:00 GMT
I was trying to keep the post as short as possible. I very much took responsiblity that I got drunk, freaked out and dragged him in. I told him he had every right to be upset. I have also told him that I will work on giving him more positive reinforcement for how he does show up. I have also said that I will work on effective communication try to be less emotional and consise. I have taken responsibility that asking someone to show you through actions as well as verbal reassurance and that is asking too much of anyone. I have taken responsibility for the fact that I have been trying to make him feel something he does not feel. (Through protest behavior) I have said that I understand it takes time to rebuild trust and we need to have a long time of healthyness before we will both be comfortable and confident in the relationship. This will require space to struggle with the process. And I really try hard to make these changes after I proclaim them not for him but for me to move back towards secure. This part is just me personally: My Dad was a DA and those are the wounds I am trying to heal with this relationship. I realize that. I definantly go back and forth on weather my expectations or to high out of defense. I wish I could settke on that because that is all me and can change. Also it is important to know that my DA really pushed for my son and I to move in together even bought a house and then disappeared. I had just begon to know attachment therory. Anyway, we I brought this up he dismissed me so I pushed to be heard . He told me we were not his family that he liked his life the way it was and I could take it or leave it. So I left. Then he wanted us back I tried again until the therapy issue came up and I said I don’t think we should go to therapy if he was not in love ( because it wasn’t saying it and only thank me when I did) He yelled that he wasn’t in love because he can’t be himself. So once again We broke up. This time I asked him what he need from me to open up and be him self and he couldn’t anwer. Anyway, I am more than happy to discuss if this is mostly me and what I can so to change this dynamic because in some weird way rhat feels like a solution Onjective input is more than welcom this is great insight, and it's important to share to get the most helpful feedback! it's not just you, not just him, it's a difficult dynamic but can be worked through with mutual humility and effort, of the desire is there. i have to head to work- but i will be happy to support your process as you unpack this and look for ways to grow. that's the only thing we can all do. I don't know if your relationship will make it, nobody does yet. but you give it the best shot when you let humility and openness be your guide for each and every move you make. I'm glad you shared this, and i am sure you will get lots of supportive feedback. there are several members here trying to grow with their avoidant partners and we can all support each other, it's good. |
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