Emotional attachment and Sexual Intimacy

Hi Shyloh

I think this is the right forum rather than the support one as that one is more for DAs who want help rather than partners or lovers to get some help.

Every person is different, but there's a strong correlation between avoidant attachment in men who seem to blur the lines between friends and lovers, and as you say they're capable of having either emotional intimacy or physical but both at the same time can be a problem.

I'm probably in a good position to answer this. I'm an FA myself and recently dated an FA where I experienced this. When we dated, being emotionally intimate was impossible. He did everything possible to block intimacy between us emotionally and made it very sexual. We continued to date on and off with a lot of frustration from me. Then we became friends instead. Once we were "just friends", his emotional intimacy kicked up 200 gears and suddenly he was emotionally available to me. If we ever stumbled and kissed or got sexual then (despite instigating) he'd always push me away afterwards. I realised after a while he could just not do both with me, so it was friends or lovers and I chose friends.

Now I'd classify our relationship as exceptionally intimate. He tells me everything, he opens up to me, he's deeply attached to me and has no problem showing it. When we're together he's warm and affectionate and unbelievably tender and loving. He feeds me food of his fork, he holds my hand, he plans amazing things for us to do (last weekend he chartered a boat for me!). But I know if we started dating, he'd go back to how it used to me.

Interestingly for the past month he'd been dating someone else, and I have no doubt at all that his attachment to me is much stronger and more intimate. It's the way he is! Actually he has a GF now but chartered the boat and spent the holiday weekend with me rather than her. Says it all really, so I get where you are coming from.

The important thing to remember is that this is all about him and his issues and NOT down to some flaw in you. He finds it hard to attach fully to romantic partners because romantic partners come with all sorts of different additional pressures and risks that friends simply do not have. As for what you can do about it - probably nothing except give it time. Even then, this sounds like a pattern and it's very hard to move out of patterns.

Yasmin
Your post is very triggering to me, thank you for your honesty though. I can say that he spends holdays with me, plans things all the time and is very affectionate with me. He also shares important things with me but when there is an issue pertaining to us then he shuts down and deactivates. This feels like I can’t show any deep emotion and he really doesn’t care. I also know when he does this I am not on his mind in anyway. When he has an issue with her he is visable upset and with drawen. This leaves me conflicted. Part of me wants to tell him that I believe he cares about me and my son and wants to love me but he just simply doesn’t and he can stay in our lives as a family friend but that I need to move on to someone who can love me. The other thought is to just tell him I can’t be sexual with him right now while we are working on our relationship because I don’t enjoy detached sex it just has never done anything for me. Also, I am now starting to shut down and finding ways to distant myself.

I am digging deap and trying to decide if I can be in a relationship with someone who is not emotionally attached to me and just enjoy what he can give me. If he infact can’t emotionally attach to And I just don’t have an anwer to that yet.

I like your idea of being open and clear about what I want and need and my end goal. . The question is how to express this to him in a way that shows empathy towards his good intentions because he becomes very defensive when we try to have these dicusions no matter how I approach it.
Am I indeed patient? I am patient because I love him and I am frustrated because I am not getting any of my needs met right now.

I genually like his female friend we have become friends and I have talked to her about this. I do believe it is a brother sister bond at this point for them. I am fine with her staying in our lives if infact he and I can become happy and secure with each other. If not I think I can be his friend but I would have to take time to detach and not love him anymore before that would be a realistic option.

`I have noticed you are working very hard on yourself and am very thankful for this. To be together long term and form a family, I would require more emotional intimacy. I truly to hope this is something you are willing and able to learn. Even if not, I wish you nothing but kindness. I love you and while I cannot wait forever, I will do my very best to be patient. `

Would something like this work for you?

I would not talk about the friend, it seems like she is not the issue.

also, what i mean to get at-
is that my DA partner does not respond well to conversations that address my disappointment.
In other words, where he is the problem.
He does respond well to conversions that express appreciation and affection and reassurance.

"I miss you, i love what we share sexually." vs "You're not meeting my needs."

I am not at all implying that you are insensitive though!
I am saying, DA men can be quite sensitive to perceived criticism and will avoid it.

I like what you have offered as way to approach my issues with him. I also agree with Jupiter that is not good to make him feel as though his efforts are not enough because he is trying his best and I would feel defeated and want to give up if I was giving my all and it still not enough for him. I think I need to just sit with my frustration a little longer and give postive reinforcement in regards to therapy and his self discovery. Maybe just put the sex on the back burniner for my own sanity. If things don’t seem to pogress then appoarch the issue as goldilocks suggested.