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Post by scheme00 on Apr 13, 2018 23:35:21 GMT
Hey everyone, I’m back. So I dated off and on my Avoidant EX for a year and a half and broke up with her 6 months ago. I went no contact and she text me last week to tell me she was moving companies so I invited her to meet up to go on a date which was last night. I never thought I would ever hear from her again. We caught up after drinks and had dinner kept it light and it was nice. I went in and kissed her which she did not rebuff. We ended up going to another place for another drink and had a few light smooches and laughs. But then as I ordered a drink I told her if we had another one I would need to stay at her place. (I drove 45 minutes and in the past would always stay at her place if we had drinks). She told me I could not stay over at her place. When I asked why she said “I’m not ready to be romantic”. I asked her if she wanted to be “just friends” and she hesitated and said “I’m not ready to be romantic.” I have always told her in the past and reiterated that we could not be friends and I was only interested in seeing her to see where things would go, but not as just friends. I told her that we were both there for a reason and we obviously both still care for one another. She seemed a little bit distant during this whole conversation. Then we went outside and I was trying to get closer to her but her body language was very closed off. I told her it was and she said “I know” and we talked about it and she told me “you understand me.” On the cab ride back to her house we were holding hands. When we got to her house I stupidly I had to drive home buzzed and went to bed. She never text me to see if I made it home or anything and has not reached out at all. I’m so upset right now because I have no idea what’s going on and I don’t know what to think  Do I just delete her number? Call her in a week? I’m so lost. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2018 0:34:48 GMT
hi scheme00i know this is really triggering for you. i don't know how your ex is, and i don't know what will happen. but i did want to share, that when my DA partner and i reconciled we did it over time with emphasis on emotional trust and sharing. we weren't physical for a month or so. not even physical contact, we just focused on emotional connection. we are both DA and that was the natural progression. I think it might have to do with how we don't do sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy all at once without getting a little overwhelmed. not that those things are bad, they are both important to us but the intensity of both together triggers our deactivation instincts. i hate that! but it's true and i work on it. so we actually go through cycles of sexual intimacy with lighter emotion, and heavier emotional intimacy with lighter sexual contact. that is something i am learning about us, both DA . as we grow closer. we haven't triggered each other by growing in this intimacy cycle instead of hot cold. Of course, neither are anxious in my situation so it's a bit different than yours. I could tend to go that way but it's very very mild, i am not sure it could be called anxious... but i sometimes needed some reassurance also in the beginning. i am less DA i guess one could say. So, all i can say, while i can't offer much in terms of how to soothe yourself, is that her reaction doesn't surprise me and i don't know that it means the end like you may fear. I don't know, but i think just calming yourself and giving it a chance to settle and approach with patience and understanding that it's hard for us to go full bore, especially on reconciliation. neither my partner nor i drink at all, i don't know how that would play into an insecure attachment dynamic but it might impact reactions. food for thought? Anyway, ,i'm sorry you're hurting. |
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Post by kelvain on Apr 14, 2018 2:19:46 GMT
Sorry but it sounds like you came on a little too strong. When she said, “I’m not ready to be romantic,” I would have simply said, "no problem, let's just enjoy this awesome evening," and then I would have left it alone. The trick is, you leave her wanting more. I know it's hard to control your emotions but it is necessary. If you love this girl, you should be able to do it. It just takes practice. If I can do it, anyone can! Too much, too fast will kill the vibe and scare her away. Just keep it light and fun, and the rest should fall into place. But for now, use this as a lesson so you'll know what to do and what not to do next time.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 14, 2018 5:03:33 GMT
Hey scheme....I am so very sorry...that must have felt just so awful.
I want you to know that you are not alone....I did something similiar with B several months ago. It had been almost 7 months and I invited B over to help me with a task. He actually came over early because he had a job interview near me. The thing is...I did not have a plan to maneuver through this meeting and I ignored the sound advice from my coworker who told me to keep the meeting brief and non physical. Instead....B and I quickly headed down old patterns of being with each other...until B made a comment that he did not want to get emotionally involved...ouch! Here I was hoping that he and I would resume from where we had left off....and I will admit I was looking at the situation very myopically and without thought of the long term implications. I really wish I had focused on creating a fun easy space but ended it before any physical stuff got underway (like my coworker had advised) because all it did was reset my healing process and create a bit more awkwardness between myself and B that did not need to exist.
I really don't have any advice...but I hope that you are gentle with yourself.
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Post by scheme00 on Apr 14, 2018 17:52:20 GMT
hi scheme00i know this is really triggering for you. i don't know how your ex is, and i don't know what will happen. but i did want to share, that when my DA partner and i reconciled we did it over time with emphasis on emotional trust and sharing. we weren't physical for a month or so. not even physical contact, we just focused on emotional connection. we are both DA and that was the natural progression. I think it might have to do with how we don't do sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy all at once without getting a little overwhelmed. not that those things are bad, they are both important to us but the intensity of both together triggers our deactivation instincts. i hate that! but it's true and i work on it. so we actually go through cycles of sexual intimacy with lighter emotion, and heavier emotional intimacy with lighter sexual contact. that is something i am learning about us, both DA . as we grow closer. we haven't triggered each other by growing in this intimacy cycle instead of hot cold. Of course, neither are anxious in my situation so it's a bit different than yours. I could tend to go that way but it's very very mild, i am not sure it could be called anxious... but i sometimes needed some reassurance also in the beginning. i am less DA i guess one could say. So, all i can say, while i can't offer much in terms of how to soothe yourself, is that her reaction doesn't surprise me and i don't know that it means the end like you may fear. I don't know, but i think just calming yourself and giving it a chance to settle and approach with patience and understanding that it's hard for us to go full bore, especially on reconciliation. neither my partner nor i drink at all, i don't know how that would play into an insecure attachment dynamic but it might impact reactions. food for thought? Anyway, ,i'm sorry you're hurting. Hey juniper, what do you think the proper plan of action would be for me at this point with your own style of attachment? I have read a lot of your other posts and your outlook seems similar to hers in the way you respond to things. Should I just wait to hear from her? I don’t mind waiting but my anxiousness gets going and starts to repeat to myself “she hasn’t reached out so she’s over you”. Or should I send her a text next week or even later? In that case I feel like I am chasing a girl that wants nothing to do with me so I’m losing self respect. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2018 18:58:24 GMT
hi scheme00i know this is really triggering for you. i don't know how your ex is, and i don't know what will happen. but i did want to share, that when my DA partner and i reconciled we did it over time with emphasis on emotional trust and sharing. we weren't physical for a month or so. not even physical contact, we just focused on emotional connection. we are both DA and that was the natural progression. I think it might have to do with how we don't do sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy all at once without getting a little overwhelmed. not that those things are bad, they are both important to us but the intensity of both together triggers our deactivation instincts. i hate that! but it's true and i work on it. so we actually go through cycles of sexual intimacy with lighter emotion, and heavier emotional intimacy with lighter sexual contact. that is something i am learning about us, both DA . as we grow closer. we haven't triggered each other by growing in this intimacy cycle instead of hot cold. Of course, neither are anxious in my situation so it's a bit different than yours. I could tend to go that way but it's very very mild, i am not sure it could be called anxious... but i sometimes needed some reassurance also in the beginning. i am less DA i guess one could say. So, all i can say, while i can't offer much in terms of how to soothe yourself, is that her reaction doesn't surprise me and i don't know that it means the end like you may fear. I don't know, but i think just calming yourself and giving it a chance to settle and approach with patience and understanding that it's hard for us to go full bore, especially on reconciliation. neither my partner nor i drink at all, i don't know how that would play into an insecure attachment dynamic but it might impact reactions. food for thought? Anyway, ,i'm sorry you're hurting. Hey juniper, what do you think the proper plan of action would be for me at this point with your own style of attachment? I have read a lot of your other posts and your outlook seems similar to hers in the way you respond to things. Should I just wait to hear from her? I don’t mind waiting but my anxiousness gets going and starts to repeat to myself “she hasn’t reached out so she’s over you”. Or should I send her a text next week or even later? In that case I feel like I am chasing a girl that wants nothing to do with me so I’m losing self respect. honestly, i'm a big fan of just reaching out with authentic communication. i think you honor yourself that way. if you feel like you might have pushed it to much, you can acknowledge that and her discomfort. You can let her know you enjoyed seeing her, and that you'd like to better understand yourself and her and if she can help you do that, it would mean a lot to you. i am not trying to put words in your mouth. but you care, and it's ok to show it. her response is hers, but be the real you (the one that you have in a balanced place- save the inner work for your confidants.  honor your truth also. you have to. and then look to support here to allow her response without getting lost in fear, i would say that would be kind to yourself! |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 15, 2018 14:56:31 GMT
I find it strange that men don't "get" that when women turn them down sexually, it doesn't mean the door is shut. Physical intimacy brings a lot of emotional entanglements for most women, and unless we feel emotionally secure, safe and relaxed in the moment, we are simply not ready.
It sort of happened to me, the ex DA met with me on a supposedly friendly, platonic occasion and got miffed when he was turned down, as if he was personally rejected.
It means she isn't ready for sex at that moment with you, no more no less.
If you can resolve that which is holding her back from a long term relationship with you, then you can slowly move back to first base again.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 15, 2018 15:06:24 GMT
I find it strange that men don't "get" that when women turn them down sexually, it doesn't mean the door is shut. Physical intimacy brings a lot of emotional entanglements for most women, and unless we feel emotionally secure, safe and relaxed in the moment, we are simply not ready. It sort of happened to me, the ex DA met with me on a supposedly friendly, platonic occasion and got miffed when he was turned down, as if he was personally rejected. It means she isn't ready for sex at that moment with you, no more no less. If you can resolve that which is holding her back from a long term relationship with you, then you can slowly move back to first base again. i agree with this. maybe, scheme00, you are trapped in a rejection mindset and too panicked about the fear of it to be patient and let things grow organically. i can understand that, if that's the case. But getting balance and perspective with that is the only way to proceed if that's what you want to do. |
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Post by scheme00 on Apr 15, 2018 20:24:17 GMT
I find it strange that men don't "get" that when women turn them down sexually, it doesn't mean the door is shut. Physical intimacy brings a lot of emotional entanglements for most women, and unless we feel emotionally secure, safe and relaxed in the moment, we are simply not ready. It sort of happened to me, the ex DA met with me on a supposedly friendly, platonic occasion and got miffed when he was turned down, as if he was personally rejected. It means she isn't ready for sex at that moment with you, no more no less. If you can resolve that which is holding her back from a long term relationship with you, then you can slowly move back to first base again. i agree with this. maybe, scheme00, you are trapped in a rejection mindset and too panicked about the fear of it to be patient and let things grow organically. i can understand that, if that's the case. But getting balance and perspective with that is the only way to proceed if that's what you want to do. I am absolutely trapped in a rejection mindset. I think guys are terrified of the dreaded “friend zone.” Wanting a woman that doesn’t see you in a romantic way. That’s what triggered me. Here I was thinking that we could possibly work things out and then I get rejected and took it personal thinking she does not see me that way anymore. I can not handle that. |
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Post by david21 on Apr 16, 2018 0:07:29 GMT
i agree with this. maybe, scheme00, you are trapped in a rejection mindset and too panicked about the fear of it to be patient and let things grow organically. i can understand that, if that's the case. But getting balance and perspective with that is the only way to proceed if that's what you want to do. I am absolutely trapped in a rejection mindset. I think guys are terrified of the dreaded “friend zone.” Wanting a woman that doesn’t see you in a romantic way. That’s what triggered me. Here I was thinking that we could possibly work things out and then I get rejected and took it personal thinking she does not see me that way anymore. I can not handle that. Dude, just be happy she was open to meeting you, or even friendship. Because you could be in my shoes where my ex doesn’t see any point in seeing or speaking to me again, period..... |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 16, 2018 8:47:08 GMT
You got triggered and went full force on her.
Even if she wasn't DA it would be too fast and too foolish to just jump into things AFTER 6 MONTHS of no contact. Slow down.
Pressuring an avoidant is never a good thing, never.
If you want them back you have to step back, give them air to breathe, show them there's no danger and the most important thing- you can't have expectations. They'll trigger you and them.
If you aren't ready for that, you'll have to move on. They'll never give you a 'normal', secure relationship.
If I were you (I'm FA involved with DA) and wanted her back, I'd reach out in a few days, apologize for my behavior, explained in a detached manner why you reacted the way you reacted- be honest basically, put no pressure on her, tell her you'll wait (only if you mean it) and leave the ball in her court. Wait. You will have to be her friend, first and foremost.
For no reason DA becomes attached when they meet another DA. They have that distance which lets them to do it slowly and 'safely'.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 16, 2018 13:08:34 GMT
You got triggered and went full force on her. Even if she wasn't DA it would be too fast and too foolish to just jump into things AFTER 6 MONTHS of no contact. Slow down. Pressuring an avoidant is never a good thing, never. If you want them back you have to step back, give them air to breathe, show them there's no danger and the most important thing- you can't have expectations. They'll trigger you and them. If you aren't ready for that, you'll have to move on. They'll never give you a 'normal', secure relationship. If I were you (I'm FA involved with DA) and wanted her back, I'd reach out in a few days, apologize for my behavior, explained in a detached manner why you reacted the way you reacted- be honest basically, put no pressure on her, tell her you'll wait (only if you mean it) and leave the ball in her court. Wait. You will have to be her friend, first and foremost. For no reason DA becomes attached when they meet another DA. They have that distance which lets them to do it slowly and 'safely'. All true. DA do friends first. In fact, me and my partner still call us friends after a couple of years and it's more intimate than ever, we both regard friendship as higher than "relationship". the friendship angle for a DA is a safe, patient, caring. understanding, organic, natural angle for us. it's funny that the literature says we don't couple up, in my situation DA + DA = very comfortable. we had growing pains and have struggled to stay together when triggered but the friend factor cemented us. we couldn't give up the bond we built as friends. i love it. it's the most stable thing i have ever been in. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 16, 2018 13:34:02 GMT
You got triggered and went full force on her. Even if she wasn't DA it would be too fast and too foolish to just jump into things AFTER 6 MONTHS of no contact. Slow down. Pressuring an avoidant is never a good thing, never. If you want them back you have to step back, give them air to breathe, show them there's no danger and the most important thing- you can't have expectations. They'll trigger you and them. If you aren't ready for that, you'll have to move on. They'll never give you a 'normal', secure relationship. If I were you (I'm FA involved with DA) and wanted her back, I'd reach out in a few days, apologize for my behavior, explained in a detached manner why you reacted the way you reacted- be honest basically, put no pressure on her, tell her you'll wait (only if you mean it) and leave the ball in her court. Wait. You will have to be her friend, first and foremost. For no reason DA becomes attached when they meet another DA. They have that distance which lets them to do it slowly and 'safely'. All true. DA do friends first. In fact, me and my partner still call us friends after a couple of years and it's more intimate than ever, we both regard friendship as higher than "relationship". the friendship angle for a DA is a safe, patient, caring. understanding, organic, natural angle for us. it's funny that the literature says we don't couple up, in my situation DA + DA = very comfortable. we had growing pains and have struggled to stay together when triggered but the friend factor cemented us. we couldn't give up the bond we built as friends. i love it. it's the most stable thing i have ever been in. It's what happened when I gave my fearful side up and when I've became not impressed by his distancing methods. I'm in a similar situation to OP, it's a long way to go but ever since I let my expectations go and simply started enjoying him as a friend it became very rewarding, very intimate - on his own initiative. We've never been that close before, it's never been so effortless before. For me, there's no future if you're not in it for the person but for your own agenda. There's a risk, of course. It's not easy, you have to be strong and grounded. You have to be willing to accept if things won't go as you wished they would. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 16, 2018 13:40:59 GMT
All true. DA do friends first. In fact, me and my partner still call us friends after a couple of years and it's more intimate than ever, we both regard friendship as higher than "relationship". the friendship angle for a DA is a safe, patient, caring. understanding, organic, natural angle for us. it's funny that the literature says we don't couple up, in my situation DA + DA = very comfortable. we had growing pains and have struggled to stay together when triggered but the friend factor cemented us. we couldn't give up the bond we built as friends. i love it. it's the most stable thing i have ever been in. It's what happened when I gave my fearful side up and when I've became not impressed by his distancing methods. I'm in a similar situation to OP, it's a long way to go but ever since I let my expectations go and simply started enjoying him as a friend it became very rewarding, very intimate - on his own initiative. We've never been that close before, it's never been so effortless before. For me, there's no future if you're not in it for the person but for your own agenda. There's a risk, of course. It's not easy, you have to be strong and grounded. You have to be willing to accept if things won't go as you wished they will. i am so happy for you!! people think friendship is a downgrade. but how do the happiest committed couples describe their relationship? WE'RE BEST FRIENDS. 'nuff said!!! |
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Post by annieb on Apr 16, 2018 15:26:04 GMT
Why do you keep going back for more abuse? If this is triggering for you, you need to really back away from this relationship or whatever it is and heal. Stop putting yourself in harm's way.
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Do I just delete her number? Call her in a week? I’m so lost.
