I don't think I invalidated anyone Juniper - if you guys want a forum exclusively for DAs then that's great and you should have one. I wanted to point out that as a fellow avoidant, I personally have no problem with mixed contributions. I'm able to skim over any posts or conversations that frustrate me or that I find unhelpful and I get a lot from some of them and I contribute to those. Reading what APs write is sometimes very helpful for me - if not so for you or others then it's up to each person to decide whether they want to read or stop logging on.
The book and this forum are slanted towards providing answers for APs. There's a lot of APs here. They tend to talk more. All types seem to contribute in all forum sections. Okay there's no moderation, but the general populace here seems largely mutually supportive and interested in a productive dialogue and most people seem to be getting something good from it. It is what it is.
I'm an FA like @mrrob, with a strong leaning towards higher avoidance, but I can identify with both sides to a degree in terms of how all this feels.
I am glad you have a private space for DAs if you find that more useful for healing, but at the same time it feels a bit like going to a party and loudly telling everyone there the party is rubbish and so you're leaving and making a better one that only a few are invited to.
Remember the APs here consistently feel like they are a bother to the avoidant in their life, like they are not wanted, like they are an irritant, like the avoidant in their life does not want to communicate or reassure or offer them a conversation that might shed light. They are here asking questions because they have no one else to ask. All that is a product of the attachment style that's deeply ingrained in them and they're confused and in pain. The kinds of wounds go back for a liftime - just like yours and mine.
If these conversations bring comfort, then who knows, maybe it makes the world a better place one day at a time.
As avoidants, I get what you're saying. I know it's annoying to get sent PMs about why I think someone's boyfriend is pushing her away. I know it's annoying at times that it feels like these conversations go in circles. I know it's annoying being villified at times as cold or unfeeling or all sorts of other things people think we are. I know sometimes out threads get totally hijacked. But there's also been some great conversations and I don't think they would have been so great if there wasn't every breed of us joining in.
We're all the same. Screwed up attachment systems, none of that our fault, and I think we can learn a lot from each other. So I hope avoidants don't all go off to a private space. I'll personally be staying here, as I would consider going off to a "avoidant only" club is just another way of avoiding anything uncomfortable.
If people want a private space only for people who are more like them, they should have that, it just feels negative to make posts about it in public that diminish the other attachment types. I'm grateful to all the types here who have contributed and I hope they all stay and keep the conversation going.
Sure - avoidants will always be outnumbered. We avoid. We don't type as much. We don't read books and websites on our emotions. We don't obsess in the same way. We come and go. We detach ourselves. But my perspective is that contributing with people who aren't the same as us but want to learn, want to understand and want to teach us how the other side feels is a good thing.
As an observation, after being here for 4 or 5 months or something, every person I have seen creating posts about how they are leaving has always been an avoidant. the person rarely leaves quietly, but instead makes a public display of it blaming APs for driving them away. Maybe it's because the conversations ARE slanted and it can be tiring to be outnumbered -or maybe it's also down to attachment style.
We're avoidant. APS are asking to talk to us. What do we do?
Yasmin you make some really good points here - I have tried to stay out of the perceived drama which seems to bubble under the surface on this forum at times (yes very avoidant I know) and I see both sides reacting in a predictable way - the avoidants feeling criticised and leaving and the APs attempting to make conversation in a way that comes across as blaming.
We see the world through our own lenses and then react in whatever way life has programmed us.
It is typical that neither side is keen to recognise that they are part of the problem, that what seems like reality or truth to them is really just a perception or an opinion.
It's kind of depressing that even on here, with people who have awareness of attachment theory, we still seem to be so stuck.
Well, I understand Goldie starting this topic and it's fair enough to ask if this section could be regarded as a place for support for DAs because that's the point of the section; but I can't support the slamming (whichever side it comes from).
Both sides are in pain.
There's also a lot of avoidants posting in the AP support forum (sometimes not in that much of a supportive way) and I don't see these posts coming up there, so I do think attachment style is playing out in the forums.
AP = Reassure me! I am angry! I am hurt! Please make me feel better!
DA = Go away and leave me alone! Your neediness is gross! Can't you leave me in peace!
I understand and see both sides, but I think conversations about how a certain group are annoying and that you want to start a new group that excludes them would better be had in private.
Also: Having had two beers and being a little less polite than usual - I groan internally any time anyone goes onto any internet platform to announce they are leaving. Just leave if you want to. Cut the drama. If I ever wanted to leave this forum, I would just stop commenting. I'd not feel a need to delete my account or make a big public display. It's all a bit childish... and actually THAT puts me off joining in on these forums a lot more than angry APs does.
yasmin, I appreciate your post and point of view. I think a lot of it comes down to attachment style, but it can also be annoying to be messaged privately from an AP, when that very same person is slamming avoidants (as a group) on the forum. I get it, they are angry, but it seems "hypocritical" and unappreciative. I, and other avoidants, have tried to help others here and when there is not much support coming back, I can see people wanting to leave. APs spew their anger onto the board and avoidants leave. I don't think it's unnatural to leave where one doesn't always feel welcome.
BTW, I have seen non-avoidants loudly announce they are leaving (one that blamed it on me, in fact).
However, I agree that some discussions here are very good and I have learned a lot. I will still be around.