Support forum is for DA to heal

Don’t you think it is beneficial for members with secure or AP attachment styles to weigh in on topics? I think that there is indeed a problem with criticism and that should be left out of a support forum. This should be a place of 100% non judgement. I believe your whole post comes down to one word: Acceptance. That is what is missing from most people that wander into this subtopic because they see the word Dismissive. There is a need to clamor and try to understand the people with the same attachment style of their lovers who have left them hurt. I think Jeb should make a DISMISSIVE ONLY subcategory. That would create a space for only DA looking to chat with similar attachment style. For now this one is labeled “support for DA” and should be a support forum. And actually, Jeb has labeled this sub forum “or DAs working on themselves, and others who want to support them.” Not DA ONLY. Which i think is also a great idea. .

There is a difference between trying to hijack a thread or criticism and posting a non judgemental point of view. It seems that everyone in this site can take things very personal which is understandable since many of us are here for specific situations and under duress. If most DA members say that they don’t want other points of view then by all means I think this should be a closed off section. Other members have brought this up before. But I believe this should be a “support” forum for DA members by members on either side. I myself would be lost without the insight from the opposite attachment style. Thoughts?

Yes.

The base DA section is what I'd use if I wanted an opinion from all angles.
If APs want to interact with other types, they can already to to the base DA section.
Several DA posters have left these forums after facing hostility in the base DA section or being expected to serve as unpaid relationship coaches. We are already outnumbered and even for other styles, it may be of added value to have an environment that is a bit more welcoming to the remaining DAs and to those DAs out there who would like to heal.


While boundaries could be more flexible were these forums moderated and misplaced threads moved, right now, the only thing that is keeping new AP posters from posting questions in the DA support forums, is a good example. Some of the things APs see as supportive, feel intrusive to DAs. It is already difficult for us to be vulnerable.

Therefore, I kindly ask the AP's to post and respond in the base DA section.

That is all I can do to improve the situation, aside from leaving.

i feel strongly that this section should not welcome questions posed by other attachment styles. Or criticisms or anything of that nature.

I have used this section to explore aspects of life as a dismissive that i really need help and support from other dismissives on. So that i can heal my self, my life, my relationships. My family. My children. all that is important to me.

Also, having been so maligned generally in the massive amounts of biased internet offerings on relationships and attachment styles, and also on the forum by unaware AP's, or aware AP's still stuck in mindreading or misunderstanding or victim mode, i have really appreciated a place to speak with a relative guarantee of understanding and compassion and helpful insight from fellow avoidants.

The path to awareness for a dismissive is frought with obstacles and discouraging pitfalls throughout our culture. many of the models for relationship invalidate, alienate, or completely misrepresent and negatively characterize our style based on extreme end of spectrum generalizations, while romanticizing and minimizing the maladaptive coping mehanisms of our opposites, AP's. Why does this matter?
because the other style posting here are typically AP's in duress , because of their unhealthy involvement with .... a DA.

I want to also appreciate the generous support that i received from all styles with my recent deactivation and trigger posts. The love and support was tremendously helpful and and a real gift to me. I think it is obvious that nobody came to my assistance with an agenda to glean insight, other than what they may gain by reading. (which i think is useful and i am so happy if it can aid anyone in understanding and empathizing with the DA struggle. The pain is deep, real, and widely .... DISMISSED.)

So, i truly believe that we must be able to cordon off an area , for DA relating. And that thread posts should be on topic and anything veering off, can move. I think that is most helpful to the DA's who need to heal. This is where their needs come first. If we don't do this, eventually there will not be a DA population to provide insight. Also, perhaps we can attract more DA if they see that they will have a well boundaried place to approach their issues with exclusively DA support. Goldi and I have been in recovery many years to get to the place of being able to post. It would be so nice, a dream of mine maybe, to have more newly awakening DA's find hope and help here also. It's free. It's real. It's powerful and it needs to be therapeutically safe. I feel strongly about that. I want more DA to heal.

On the other hand, would not have been doing ok to wait for DA availability for this last emergency. There are not enough active DA to meet an urgent need for support.
In the future, i could take an urgent need to the base forum indicating a sincere need for helpful support in the introductory post. i would be willing to do that.

We have a very low population of avoidants and urgent needs may need to go to another place to make helpful AP's feel comfortable offering support. The outpouring of support to me recently made the difference perhaps between a major disaster in my relationship, or an intense trigger due to illness of a loved one that i ultimately handled well with help and encouragement. I cannot express my gratitude for the help and the outcome enough.

It's a good thing to consider and try to implement an exclusive environment, in my opinion. With urgent needs or open posting taken to the DA base?

i read a thread once by an AP poster who said the way to a DA's heart was through the ribs with a sharp knife.
It was intended as a lighten up post.
humor.
A couple of people protested, but some actually found it amusing.
it faded to oblivion but that shit would never happen in a moderated forum.
i am kind of excited about this prospect.

Juniper, I just want to say you've been an incredible help to me personally. I can bounce between DA/AP attachment but in most cases I identify with DA. This board would suffer some really valuable insight if you and other DAs are not feeling comfortable and feel the need to break free. I support staying out of the DA support forum when its not relating to our own DA behavior.

Everyone should be supportive of one another as we all struggle here. We just struggle differently. I find my own AP behavior much easier to explain to others vs. my DA behaviors, as they don't make sense to even myself. So I can see why APs are desperately trying to understand the other side.

Bottom line is that we are all in charge of our own lives and we choose how we navigate through and how much is too much to handle before we lose our own sense of self and happiness. But we can't blame others, or other "types" for our pain when/if we choose to stay in a situation that is not healthy for our own well being.

So if DAs need a space of their own lets respect that. Maybe rather than leave the forum all together, kindly remind posters to resubmit their post under one of the other categories and you'd be happy to respond there (well only if you would be lol). And to delete the post in the DA support forum. A canned response that can be used each time.

I'd hate to see folks go ☹

OK, understood. I'm sorry it's causing more harm for you than it is serving as a helpful outlet. You know what's best for you ❤

and i think it was the same member who corrected my challenging a blaming AP's initial post, concerned with the feelings of the OP, who found that "joke " funny!
i might be mistaken- but i am pretty sure that poster defended the "humor" in the thread/
like i said, AP feelings are sacred to some people here and DA feelings are.... not important or not existent.... it's totally silly to me.
that's my take, let me take rotten tomatoes for it lol!
i've reached my limit with the one way logic.

However, i like interacting the way i have with other posters.

ah well, i am sure of what i need most and i don't have a huge conflict with just choosing as i go, what my next best thing is, for me.