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Post by yasmin on Apr 21, 2018 13:49:49 GMT
I'm really sorry about this. You've put a lot of emotionally energy into this woman. It's hurtful as hell
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Post by scheme00 on Apr 21, 2018 19:16:03 GMT
I’ve calmed down a little bit. I was so hurt that she could lie to my face...that was the worst part. But I am so angry I think that this is what I needed to truly start moving on.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 21, 2018 20:30:13 GMT
I feel I have missed something scheme...but I am sorry for the pain you are going through.  |
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fara
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Post by fara on Apr 21, 2018 21:43:59 GMT
i have been reading through your posts scheme00. i was getting hopeful about your reconciliation, but now i am feeling sad. i also think i missed something here too. i am feeling terrible for you right now even though i don't know what happened.
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Post by scheme00 on Apr 21, 2018 21:44:32 GMT
Sorry I tried to delete the thread but it only deleted my first post. My ex basically reached out to me and after I took this as a sign she wanted to reconnect it went in a downhill spiral and found out she’s dating someone I had doubts about while we were together. Then I lost control of my emotions and sent a nasty text which has solidified any type of reconciliation I think.
So I must accept that it is really over and move on. She lied to me about being together with this guy to my face last night and when I found out through a friend I called her out on it. This was 5 minutes after I told her that I loved her and wished her well in her new relationship and if it didn’t work out I would love to give it a shot and to reach out to me. I confronted her about it being with this specific guy and walked away after saying “good luck with that.” Then I sent a text saying “I can’t believe you.” That was it.
Obviously she didn’t respond and don’t think she will ever reach back out after that.
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fara
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Post by fara on Apr 21, 2018 21:51:44 GMT
well let me say this. you are not ruined. but i completely understand why you're in that headspace right now. reading what you just posted makes me sick to my stomach. not only is it a punch to the gut for you, but she just cheated on the guy she is dating now too, right?
did she answer your text?
once again, i am so sorry scheme00! something similar happened to me many years ago. it actually helped me move on pretty fast too knowing that somebody else was in the picture, yet they were still reaching out to me. you deserve so much better than this. and kudos to your intuition for sensing something was up with her and the person you had doubts about in the past. we are all here to support you!
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fara
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Post by fara on Apr 21, 2018 21:54:46 GMT
sorry, just now seeing that you said she has not responded. well it doesn't matter. this is beyond just having an attachment issue. attachment issues don't make somebody a bad person. but she lied to you about something BIG. and she probably will not tell the other guy she met up with you. it sounds like she is having doubts about this guy or something isn't 100% right with them. but that doesn't matter, because i think this is going to make you want to get as far away from her as possible.
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Post by scheme00 on Apr 21, 2018 21:56:14 GMT
No she didn’t. And she won’t because every time in the past someone has been angry with her and sent something like that before she has just cut out of her life. Friendship etc terminated. Her “best friend” of 5 years sent a text like that and she just replaced him.
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Post by david21 on Apr 21, 2018 22:07:25 GMT
Let me get this straight. When she reached out to you initially, and you went on that dinner “date”, she was seeing someone?
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Post by scheme00 on Apr 21, 2018 22:19:57 GMT
Let me get this straight. When she reached out to you initially, and you went on that dinner “date”, she was seeing someone? Yes. I think she has been seeing this guy since January. I broke up with her in October. Had not heard a word from her since then until 2 weeks ago. We went out one week ago to dinner and to have drinks. I kissed her on the lips but most of the night she was closed off. She held my hand on the car ride home. Didn’t hear from her until 2 days ago when I asked her to go to the party but she said she had plans to go with him and another friend. They work together so I didn’t think too much of it. Last night she was extremely cold to me when I saw her and tried to give her a peck on the lips and she turned her head. I was teasing her “give me a kiss!” And she said “no this is a work party.” I said be honest are you not kissing me cause you’re seeing someone and she said she was. I wished her well and asked if she worked with the person she was dating and she said no, she met him through friends. Then 5 minutes later a mutual friend told me it was the guy from work. So yes, she was hanging out with him romantically the last few months and then went out with me and totally messed with my head. Why would she have reached out after 6 months? I asked her and she said defensively “just to tell you I was moving companies.” Yea right. She was excited to go out with me. I’m in shock man. |
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fara
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Post by fara on Apr 21, 2018 23:25:08 GMT
i would assume that she reached out because she is not satisfied with the guy she is seeing now. she probably missed you. and you made her feel safe to come back. she did not just reach out to let you know she was moving companies. that makes no sense... you are right. i believe she missed you, and then things went too fast for her when you guys finally met up again. not your fault though. at least you know the truth now. that is so important.
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Post by kelvain on Apr 22, 2018 5:10:30 GMT
Scheme00 Buddy! I am sorry for the pain you are feeling right now brother. But don't put this on yourself. You are/were acting out of love for this girl. I know that you know my story from these boards (dating a DA for 10 years). I was in your exact position not long ago. Less than 6 months ago, in fact! It crushed me when I found out she was dating this other guy (she lied to me about it too). It felt like it was worse than death. But it caused something to "click" in my head. It was like a huge bucket of ice water was tossed on me. I saw her differently after that. I "woke up" and realized that it was I, who was making all of the sacrifices in the relationship. I became aware that my sense of self and self-worth was slowly eroded away as I conformed/acquiesced to her wants and needs so as to appease her because, if I didn't, I knew she would leave. I wasn't "me" anymore. I was a construct of who she wanted me to be.
The totally AWESOME EFFEN news is that I am dating a new girl (I actually work with her) and she is a thousand times the girlfriend and companion that my ex DA was. I never believed I could be so happy, stress-free, and at peace without my ex. Man was I wrong! I am crazy about this girl and she totally compliments my personality so much better than my ex DA ever was ever capable of. The best part about it is that this girl likes me for ME...including my crazy/chaotic/spontaneous side. She even likes when I act like a clowning jackass (which I do a lot...LOL!). I can finally be ME without worrying that it will trigger my partner.
The point I'm making is that even though it hurts like friggin Hell right now for you and things seem to be at their darkest, there is always something better out there. I know it's hard for you to believe it right now. I didn't believe it either. But I am sure you will find someone who will "knock your socks off" and she will love you for the caring, compassionate person you are.
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Post by mrob on Apr 22, 2018 8:02:24 GMT
Classic avoidant. These people are fundamentally incapable of compassion, empathy, common decency or really caring for anyone else other than themselves for that matter. Be thankful she did this. For there is no clearer indication that this individual is good for absolutely nothing. It’s this type of behaviour that makes it unfathomable to me when I see Avoidants on here whining about always being labeled as the “bad one”. Well no fucking shit! Run the other way man. Or be prepared to sign up for a life time membership on these boards. Thanks for that. Guessing you don’t have too much compassion either. |
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flic
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Post by flic on Apr 22, 2018 8:52:57 GMT
Classic avoidant. These people are fundamentally incapable of compassion, empathy, common decency or really caring for anyone else other than themselves for that matter. Be thankful she did this. For there is no clearer indication that this individual is good for absolutely nothing. It’s this type of behaviour that makes it unfathomable to me when I see Avoidants on here whining about always being labeled as the “bad one”. Well no fucking shit! Run the other way man. Or be prepared to sign up for a life time membership on these boards. Or we could just take each experience case-by-case, perhaps? I've recently been given some wonderful advice that suggests that to move to secure, which i for one am very keen to do, that understanding and empathising with all attachment types is essential. Doesn't mean what this girl did wasn't callous, does mean we shouldn't paint All Avoidants as the same. Pain is pain. Whether it's expressed one way or another, compassion is important. And belief in change is important. But it starts with the self. |
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Post by yasmin on Apr 22, 2018 10:58:17 GMT
david21It's pretty obvious from almost all your posts that you're really angry and bitter at your ex. None of your posts seem to be about learning about attachment theory or healing for yourself, but more about bashing avoidants as a way to express anger at your ex (and maybe your Father who you also describe as avoidant and he sounds a lot like mine so I sympathise). What I can tell you is almost definitely true is that you have AP attachment. I know that partly because no one other than an AP would actually stay in a relationship with someone who by your own description didn't participate in sex, showed you no emotions, was nice to everyone but cold to you, was generally completely emotionally unavailable. Secure people experience that and walk away because it's not loving or enjoyable behavior. AP people will stay and play out the sick dynamic. An FA would never get into a relationship where they were required to chase someone to begin with. So an a person with AP attachment, you're going to have behaviors and motivations that defy logic at time, the same as a DA or FA, and those behaviors can often be harmful and destructive too. Owning that will be the first step in you starting to feel better and to stop feeling so bitter about all this. You paint yourself in the light of victim, but the reality is that from day one this woman didn't seem interested, and you pursued it anyway. From day one she didn't provide for your needs, but you pursued it anyway. Stuff you've described like reading her diary and going over her pain and emotions over her ex boyfriend are a big violation towards another person. This is quite dark behavior - look at yourself for for the clues of how you played into the dynamic with your ex. Think about why you wanted someone who wasn't loving to you. Think about why the desperation here for someone who wasn't loving to you? Think about why you sunk to dropping your integrity out of your confusion with her. I think if you want to get something from these forums other than bashing your ex and other avoidants, then you might find it helps to focus on yourself rather than your ex. If you can find the root of your own anxiety, then you put yourself in the kind of strong position where you can find love with someone who is reciprocal and cares about you. I am sorry you dated an avoidant (she does sound like one but she also sound like someone who was in lover with someone else) and so what you did there was chased after someone who was not available. She was never available from day one. You knew this. Maybe she reminded you of your Dad. Maybe chasing after her affection and approval was a way to avoid a really loving relationship. I'm not sure, but if you fix those issues at the root you'll feel like people who are unkind and unloving to you just are not that desirable. For what is's worth, I feel like Scheme's ex is an asshole too. She may be avoidant, or maybe not, but she is certainly an asshole. They come in all attachment styles.
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