Is it possible to fix this??

Mary, would you say that you experience the pain after the relief goes away?

You'll probably only have one chance to talk to him. He wants to avoid this conversation, so if he manages to find an excuse to avoid it and you have to ask for it one more time, he will run away even faster. I doubt he will accept to meet you to talk about the breakup. If you text and ask to meet him, I think he will find a way to escape. He may accept to meet you at a later date (so he can avoid talking to you right now), but then he will do everything he can to avoid the meeting. You will have to ask again, making him even more uncomfortable, and lowering your chances even more.

I think that's what is likely to happen because your ex reminds me a lot of someone I know, from whom I was not able to get closure, even though he kept saying that we would talk soon. I can see a lot of things in common in their behaviors.

If I were you, and if I really wanted closure, then I would choose the right time and I would go knock at his door. His fear of conflict will probably make it impossible for him to shut the door in your face, especially if his roommate is at home. This may be a bad idea, but I think it's likely you will never be able to talk to him otherwise. You once had planned a meeting to talk about your relationship, and this meeting would have been much easier for him than the one you could have now. Yet he didn't show up, and didn't contact you until the next day.

As you figured out, if you manage to talk to him, he will probably keep saying the same thing ("I can't give you much time and your children need you") again and again, no matter what you say, to avoid going deeper into the subject. That's what happened to me and it was really disconcerting. He did that when you ran into him at Starbucks, and I doubt he will do better than this next time, because his anxiety will be even worse. You said you felt that this is what would happen, and I'm sure you're right.

Your ex seems highly avoidant to me. You gave a very long list of avoidant behaviors, that you identified very well. It's even possible that living with a roommate is due to his avoidant attachment style. The avoidant guy I dated and talked about above also has a roommate. Of course, there are plenty of reasons why one would live with a roommate that have nothing to do with being avoidant, but I think that some avoidants use house share so they can have a human presence at home without having the pressure of a romantic relationship. Avoidants have an approach-avoid conflict, they do need a connection with other human beings, even if they try to convince themselves that they don't. Like most people, they can dislike going back home every evening to an empty house, make dinner and eat it alone in front of the TV.


Of course not! On the contrary, you were too passive in the relationship, allowing him to control your visiting time, never initiating calls or text messages. Your ex started to withdraw right after you asked him if you could see each other twice a week. It basically means that he could not stand the idea of not having 100% control over the relationship. So I think he's really highly avoidant.

Kristy, I'm sort of playing "devil's advocate" here, because I think that anxious people tend to have the perception that people don't care enough, just as the avoidant thinks the other person cares too much. We all look through a different "lens". I think sometimes the anxious view even secure people as avoidant as well, since an anxious person needs much more time and attention than a secure person. If he is secure, it's possible he's giving you space and treading lightly since you have children. It's also possible, he is avoidant although I would say it's not extreme and therefore workable. Since you broke up with him, it doesn't follow the normal pattern of avoidant breaking off with anxious.

I appreciate everyone's input and taking time to offer thoughts. It has really helped me cope and am interested to hear different perspectives.
Katy,
I loved your opinion on each of us walking .25 miles to meet each other. Had to laugh at that cause so true!! And I have been getting help for why I attracted an emotionally unavailable man, because at some level, I must be, too.
Raco,
I appreciate thoughts. Agree totally about having to go to door, but at this point am going to wait. He told my friend yesterday he missed me and thought about calling to see how I've been, so we'll see if he can. She usually stays out of our r/s, but was as puzzled and hurt as I was since the four of us were so close, so has mentioned a few things, but he doesn't know, and usually he's so private.
But to answer the person's question about do they miss you, I did not initiate contact at all, tried to respect him and give him space but wanted him to know I would also keep my options open (this was mistake. Mary thought that it may have shut door more, wouldn't go that far next time. The fact I didn't contact him should be enough to let him know I was taking care of my needs) but he did say it twice, so it is possible some do. Will it change how he is? No, but is somewhat comforting to know he did have some type of feelings, that it wasn't all in my head.
Mary, thanks again for offering your take on things from perspective of avoidance. I thought it was weird he used the excuse of ex/kids because it had absolutely nothing to do with conversation that night. It must have been bothering him on some level, but everything was fine and dandy, he was planning our next date, then when I told him I needed to see him more, total 360. I'm certain if that conversation didn't happen, we wouldn't have broken up at that point. I also didn't break up with him. I just agreed to it because, essentially, he was already doing that. I do regret the way I handled some things, and I do agree he is not as avoidant as a lot of the ones I've heard others describe, but definiteley has tendencies. I think more fearful than dismissive, and has defense mechanisms in place. In my mind this is what I feel happened. This is a quote from Hal Shorey, PhD.'s article on fearful avoidants:

"Imagine feeling lonely inside and craving love and affection. Then you meet someone wonderful. You are full of joy and excitement. Now you can feel whole and good like you know you should!
But several months later, when your romantic partner throws his or her arms around you and tells you that (s)he loves you, you experience a flood of anxiety and sense of impending doom. You try to act happy, because you know that is how a "normal" person would feel. But you have a hard time hiding your anxiety. You try to fix it by explaining, but this effort only makes you sound off balance. Across the coming days you feel increasingly squirrely, start to pick up on signs that your partner is having second thoughts, and get that awful feeling in your gut...you know...the one you spend your whole life trying to avoid. As the relationship begins to implode you just want to scream, "what the heck just happened?!"
What happened is that you ran straight into your own defensive wall; that part of your personality that is trying to protect you and keep you safe. Of course, this defense is not a rational process; it is housed deep in the emotional centers of your brain and is automatically triggered by signals from the environment. It does not care about your rational thought processes or your adult need for love and affection. It would rather you be sad and lonely than injured."

When I read this, it all made sense. Going over the whole conversation, I feel his protective mode kicked in high gear, although on the phone that night, he acted like everything was ok.
The unsettling part is they don't know it's fear based, so there's not really closure.
Kristy

Yes, definitely. They can seem very interested at first, do and especially say a lot of things that could make you think they're not avoidant at all, then become suddenly distant.