Is it possible to fix this??

Anais,

Check out the thread "I'm an Avoidant" at the top of the forum, because that thread touches on your question (especially the last couple recent pages of the thread)...and also the "Sudden Breakup with an Avoidant" thread, which is one I posted about my experience with a dismissive avoidant. I think Jaeger makes some great points, and that we really should question ourselves regarding, if we were to get back together with our dismissive exes, if the relationship would really last. Part of me really wants to get back with my ex, because I still care about him alot and love him and miss him, but another part of me knows that even if we did get back together, 'something' would probably trigger him again and he would likely bolt. I think people can change, and people can get back together. But, both people need to believe that they can handle the relationship and/or that it has a reasonable chance of working out this next time around. 

Wish you the best,

Trixie

Hi Yes I know that I maybe shouldn't reach out after 6 months... since I have worked so hard to regain my strength. I guess I just wanted to see if it would be possible or if all chances had been lost... the relationship wasn't abusive or dark at all but I did become more anxious as it progressed and we fought frequently for the last couple months..
So I am just going to only think about myself

Thank you.

Kristy, what was the breakup like? Who actually ended it?
It seems from responses on the other thread I started that people do think it's a matter of being looked down upon. When I broke up with people and gave them reasons why I wanted to break up, I just felt that person wasn't right for me. I didn't think I was better than them. In some cases, the person wasn't right for me, in others it was a distancing strategy. Even though I am avoidant, there are times when I break up for valid reasons.

I would say most avoidants have no idea it's fear. Even though I logically know, I don't feel it. I feel bored, irritated, smothered or drained. Are these negative feelings? I'm not sure they are feelings at all. I think they are more reactions. I think "this person isn't right for me" or "I just don't have the time/energy that this relationship needs". I often thought that there is no way I will be able to give this person what they need, so why keep trying? I know from the outside, it looks very different from what I'm thinking inside.

The difference with my current partner that is different from all the others is that he told me that whatever time I had for him was good with him. That he'd rather spend a small amount of time with me than lots of time with someone else. He was very patient, and he went at my pace. Even with that, I still broke up with him a few times. What got us over the hump is talking, lots of it. Every time I broke up with him, he wanted to talk about it and he taught me that sometimes "fighting" is good. Issues can be discussed and resolved. It sounds strange, but I never knew that. I "learned" from my family that fighting never resolved anything and no one ever compromised. The only way to resolve anything with my family is to shut up and walk away.

What makes an avoidant feel safe? I don't really know and it's probably different for different people. For me, it was his patience and understanding, but I didn't even realize it in the beginning. It took time, reinforcement and him showing me in small ways that he was reliable. Perhaps this is just his personality or perhaps he understood what I needed, I don't know. He says he doesn't completely understand what goes on in my head, but he has understood me more than anyone else.

I hope this helps. I am more of a talker than a writer. It's hard to convey a journey that has had so many twists and turns. Feel free to ask anymore questions and I will try to answer as best I can.

Mary,
Thanks so much for responding! This is long but trying to give you accurate picture.
Our r/s was really, really good. Almost too good, cause we never fought or disagreed. We were always happy, laughing, talking. He was a great listener to issues with my teenage son. He always asked about me and my kids, did things to help around my house and with my car, but not over helping. I did things for him, too, it was pretty equal. We both cooked for each other, he took me out, always called or texted daily. I never invited myself over or initiated calls or texts, but always returned his. He did control our visiting time. We would see each other around six in the evening, go eat or something, hang out at one of our houses, then spend night. He was always up around six (never sleeps in unless sick. Very regimented with schedule) so I always got up when he did, and would go off to do my thing. Except for one weekend we went away with our friends, we never saw each other the whole next day or anything.
We usually had our one night a week date nights on Sat. (Although, at the beginning of the r/s, he sometimes asked me out twice a week, but I wanted to pace it slow and usually we just saw each other once) We didn't have sex right away, he was the first one to say he wasn't going to date anyone else, he said I love you first (I could always tell that wasn't comfortable for him, although he could text it). He always treated me with respect, and I did him.
My nicknames for him (after he earned it) were "My gentleman" and "Superman". He loved it. His eyes would light up and he also truly appreciated when I showed genuine respect or appreciation. He would always say thank you, I try. And he said he's glad he could make me happy.
He never felt comfortable with conflict. When our good friends who are dating each other would fight(he lives with his friend), it would make him extremely uncomfortable. He was pretty open about his family life, some of past, talked easily about what was going on in his life, but I never met his two kids in their early twenties, but they knew who I was and I was and am friends with his daughter on Facebook. He would say, one of these days he would bbq and have them over. We never did stuff together with his friends, except the two of ours that date each other ( I always felt like it was because his wife of twelve years married his best friend and guy that was best man at their wedding and he had trust issues). Also, side note, he is recovered alcoholic of four years.
We were definitely getting closer, and reaching point where our r/s was transitioning to the next phase of closeness, where you should be able to talk about your feelings and be vulnerable. About a month prior to our breakup, I did tell him I was concerned because my friend that dated his roommate was telling me he liked his alone time, and had mentioned he dated a girl for two years that didn't know he smoked. I told him it did make me wonder if we wanted the same thing, because how could you hide that for two years if you were spending time with someone? It was a very calm, no accusatory discussion that I felt brought us closer. He said we did want the same thing, he was the one who didn't tell her he smoked, and that no one wants to be alone or in a r/s that isn't moving forward. He did bring up how he felt like my friend is always over at their place and how her bf feels smothered sometimes. I told him I agreed, they were together too much, that I would never be like that cause I'm an introvert and like my alone time and my exhusband was too controlling. He said he would always need his time to play golf, I said I loved that about him, that that was who he was. Never felt I acted clingy, except both of us would say we wished we could see each other more from time to time. Once I jokingly said," see, honey, it's always like a honeymoon when we do see each other", cause he had made comment we weren't seeing each other enough, and he made a face like he didn't like that. What else is interesting is in the evenings when he would get home and text, he'd say often "I'm freakin worn out", or "I'm exhausted". He would start working up to our date nights as well, by saying "can't wait til Sat. to see you and feel you next to me", or "I'm saving my energy for you my love". He always texted he missed me with hearts and wished I was lying next to him, but looking back, this energy, tired thing is interesting after reading how avoidants get emotionally drained. It did make date nights exciting, cause he would build them up in anticipation.
About a week before we broke up, he cancelled on me for first time, but he said it was not intentional and he apologized. He was going to stop by the house on his way home from work and show me his new car. Instead, he called at 6, and said he just got home was "freakin exhausted" and just sat down to eat. I said "I thought you were going to stop by?" ( I had made dessert for him). He said me and kids could come over there. Of course, I wasn't going to, so I said my little girl was tired. My friend was over at their place, and I told her he had said he was going to stop by. She was the one who first invited us over, which is another reason why I told him I couldn't. I felt like it was her idea, not his. I didn't act mad, just told him I was disappointed but not to worry about it. My friend said when we hung up he asked her if I was mad. She said she didn't think so.
The next day he asked what I was doing Sat. and asked if I wanted to do something. I said I wasn't sure, I thought I'd have to work, but that I didn't like it when he told me he was going to do stuff and didn't. That it made me feel weird and unsure about things. He apologized, said he was just "tired", had busy day at work, wasn't his intention. I said thank you for apologizing and that I knew he had been working hard. Then it went good. We saw each other Sun. night. Had a great time. Did things in front of me he used to not do, so knew he was becoming more relaxed around me. He texted three times Mon., ending with "Goodnight my love"and heart emojis, texted good morning at 10 on Tues. and asked about getting my car done.that Tues. sent more sweet texts. (The texts were always friendly, sweet, loving, but sometimes I did feel like it was a way of avoiding real contact) Wed. called told me all about his day, was asking me what I was doing Sat.night, said I had to work, then his schedule was so inflexible, too-meeting Thurs.evening, then wouldn't get home from work til around 7 Fri., and it just seemed like sometimes it was so hard to fit me in his schedule. Like, why couldn't he just come over later one evening? We didn't always have to do something. And that's what my friend was seeing, too. She said the guys would just be sitting at the apt. watching football and she would say why don't you call Kristy and invite her over? (We live 1/2 mile apart) He would say he didn't want to take my time away from my kids. But we were both starting to notice something was a little off. Maybe I let her get me worried, I don't know. If I had known anything about what an avoidant was, I totally would have done things different.
Anyway, he was ttrying to plan our date, I realized we wouldn't get to see each other that week, cause I worked Sat., and he wasn't changing his schedule. I felt like at seven months, I should be able to be vulnerable and honest about my feelings.I said "I need to see you more. Not every day, but how about twice a week? Maybe we want different things. I did add, "sometimes I feel like you're, I don't know, emotionally unavailable"...
He said "Shouldn't we wait til were in person to have this conversation?", as if I was thinking of breaking up.
I said "There's no one else. I love you, but I need to feel your physical presence more" He said "We'll have to see what we can do"
I asked if he would come over later Fri. After he got off work (7ish) so we could talk and I would make dinner. (This was the first time I had ever asked him out) I thought he said ok. We talked, I said I love you. Then next day he did not call or text, and I knew something was up. Friday he didn't call or text or come by after work. This never happened, so at this point I knew he withdrew.
Sat. He sent this text:"Hi Kristy I hope you have a good day and the kids are well especially Wyatt, I'm sorry but I've been dealing with a bunch of crap. Hopefully we can talk later."
I sent this: "Hey! Just got back from hike. Actually left phone in car😊. Felt good to see your text. Sorry you're dealing with crap. I know you, though, and know you'll figure it out!! "
He sent: "Just haven't been feeling so hot, watching the Raider game and relaxing. Glad you had a nice hike!!"
That was Sat. evening. I didn't text back, cause I could tell he was overwhelmed. I honestly don't know if I would have heard from him again. Monday am I was with my daughter at Starbucks and he came in to get coffee on way to work. He came up to us and looked completely drained and stressed. Did not have his usual excited to see me look and outgoing personality. I really felt like all this made him physically sick.
I was scared I wouldn't hear from him again because now it was clear to me he had gone into protective mode and shut down and honestly was unable have a talk about this, so I asked if we could talk outside real fast. He tried to say, well wait... But I went ahead outside and waited. He looked so uncomfortable. I just couldn't get over the change, but didn't say anything. He started saying he thought about things, he had a lot going on with work and other things, I had my kids that needed me (I said, they're fine. I spend a lot of time with them), and that he just couldn't give me the time I needed. I felt like he was breaking up. I said "I feel so disconnected from you and I don't like feeling like this, and I don't want to pressure you or the r/s so maybe we should take a break." He said something about how he couldn't give me time and my kids needed me. I said I never meant to pressure him or say my needs were more important than his, that I was just stating how I felt. I told him If I couldn't tell my boyfriend of seven mos. how I felt... Then just shrugged. I told him I respected him, that I had so much respect for him, but that if I couldn't see the person I was in exclusive r/s with, I needed to keep my options open. He just looked ahead and nodded. Talked to my daughter a minute, hugged me, said we'll talk more, he had to get to work. We hugged. I said I did miss him.
I knew we wouldn't talk. He was too uncomfortable with it. I never heard from him again. He likes some of my posts on fb. My friend says he doesn't talk about it at all, and will say tell her I said hi, like nothing is wrong. Maybe he is talking to someone else, although my friend says he isn't. He was going back home to visit Oklahoma the following week, where he's from and an old female friend who is very nice looking posted a pic of them on Facebook together at a Sooner football game and tagged him. It looked like they had just run into each other. Didn't appear romantic, but he likes a lot of her posts on fb. I know he was there with his cousin, but now I wonder if he transferred feelings on to her. I do feel he was loyal when we were together, though. She's pretty much all the things I am but older and safer cause she's long distance. Three kids, a nurse, posts spiritual/religious things, blonde, tall, works out. Very similar to me. Could he have moved on so fast? I know she's not interested. But I read where avoidants have fantasy relationships with "safe" people, and feel like in his head he might be doing this. I don't know. I'm completely puzzled by the whole thing. Maybe I'm over thinking.
I know he felt pressured or scared by our conversation. I haven't called or bothered him. Feel like any reaching out would just scare him more. Feels like he has no feelings at all for me any more, lost all attraction over night. I used to feel so adored and attractive to him.
What do you think happened, Mary? He suddenly shut down. Did he feel smothered and like he would lose his freedom? Or did he feel he couldn't make me happy? Or did he just not want to take it to next level? Did he want his freedom? Did he just get tired of having a relationship? Was it too much work? Did he get scared I figured him out and would break up, so he did it first? Did he realize this is real and He could get hurt, so he better bail?
I did have an avoidant online write me and say he " ghosted" me and is probably having a lot of guilt. She said she always felt guilty afterwards. She said I should say, " I care about you but I have to take care off me", and that would make him respect me. But after 1.5 mos., it's a little late. I would like to run into him and see if he feels anything, just keep conversation light and friendly, but what are chances of that? The coffee thing was such a freak thing.
The worst part is not having any bad memories. They're all good, so it makes it hard to move on. That, and just not getting any real closure. I've never had someone suddenly break it off and not contact me again after seven mos.invested.
Thanks, Mary! Sorry so long. Won't do another long one. You need to do this for a living, or have your own blog!!

Sincerely,
Kristy

Mary,
Thanks for taking time to read and your input.
He was always the guy in the r/s and took the lead. Planned dates, initiated calls, never seemed to bother him. He seemed to like it. But it's interesting you think I may have avoidance. I was scared of being to needy. It definitely makes me relook at things.
In the very beginning I told him I wanted to take things slow, cause I had just gotten out of eleven year marriage less than year prior. He was fine with that. Once we decided we really liked each other and wanted more, we became exclusive. There were a few times we saw each other more than once a week throughout r/s, if briefly.
At the end, it was the sudden change in him, after asking to see him twice a week and him suddenly withdrawing that scared me. He went from talking daily to not calling for two days after our phone conversation Wed. and didn't show up for dinner Fri., the night we were going to talk (first time he stood me up and no phone call but texted next day). But the biggest change was how distant, emotionless, stressed he seemed. I didn't text back Sat night because he was acting so distant and I didn't want to pressure him. Maybe I should have, just felt like he already thought I was becoming too needy. He changed completely. Just suddenly seemed to shut down. At Starbucks on Mon. I could see it in his eyes, he seemed as he had lost all feelings for me. He said he couldn't give me the time I needed. Telling me we were both too busy. I felt like I was so vulnerable with him, telling him my needs and how much I loved him, and it scared him or pressured him. He literally was "not feeling well" after our conversation. At Starbucks, I felt like he was breaking up, and he had been distant since the day after that conversation. so I agreed we should take break. Maybe I shouldn't have, but didn't want to stress him out more.
Deep inside, I feel like we were getting too close and it scared him and protective mode set in, but do you think he was feeling that smothering feeling? I know he really values freedom. I'm not sure if he'll let anyone get too close to him. He has a wall up. Do you think I was being too needy asking to see him more?
You're right. I need closure and definitely can't hurt at this point to talk. I am scared now. I feel like he'll say he just doesn't have time for r/s. Do you think he will see me as needy or chasing? Do you think he feels emotionally unsafe? I remember you saying when your exes didn't back off, you felt smothered and it was over. I appreciate your input.

Kristy

Kristy, can you give me examples of your neediness? From what you wrote, I don't see you as very needy and I don't see him as very avoidant, but a tendency. When he thought you were breaking up with him the first time, he suggested to talk in person. I don't know if that ever occurred, but it doesn't seem like avoidant behavior. Also, he initiated all texts, dates and the "I love you". He chased and you let him, but 7 months is a long time for the chase to last. At some point, the initiation should become more equal. He chased, then stopped and you were confused. I think you were expecting him to chase harder if you became "unavailable" ie. dating other people. I think this is a gender myth.

Also, it all seems very "civilized". From my own experience and from others I have read, if an avoidant is feeling pressured, there will be some kind of blowout or a total shut out. He didn't shut you out because he asked your friends how you were doing and stayed in contact through fb.

If he is avoidant, it's possible you didn't show enough interest to keep him motivated. It's a wierd thing. In the past, I was attracted to anxious people because they showed lots of interest and at first, I thought it would be the "safe" choice. The anxious would never leave me, however the pressure becomes too much. With people that showed what I perceived to be too little interest, I lost interest as well. This is why I was rarely attracted to secure or avoidant people. If they didn't seem very interested, there was a high chance they would leave me.

If he is secure, it's possible he got tired of the chase and/or was actually busy with other things in his life at that time. I think some of the things you were saying to him would make him move on, even if he is secure.

Don't take this as I'm blaming you. It takes 2 to end a relationship. I think there was a lot of miscommunication and misunderstanding. I don't think there is any harm in asking him what he thinks happened for your own "knowledge file". If you approach it as a way to learn something and not to "get back together", it may seem less scary for you to approach him. If he doesn't reply, you have your answer. If he does, you can learn from it and get closure. From what I read of what happened, my bet is on him giving you some sort of answer.