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Post by DearLover on May 2, 2018 21:45:17 GMT
Oh and I don't multi date either, but it does help not to get attached to only one guy on early stages when there isn't commitment. It also helps you to know yourself better, analyse your behaviour in relation to men and learn about men and their behaviour too. It doesn't need to be long, serious dates. It could be a coffee in between your own activities etc. It is just for you to get into the habit of listening properly to what they say, to recognise red flags and to spot patterns of behaviour, to learn how to ask key questions, etc...
I don't have much time either but now that the weather is getting better and I am back online I will squeeze a few short dates here and there in between my own activities and interests just t get in the right mood until the right guy comes along. I believe it will help me feel more relaxed and expect a lot less. It is just coffee (or a smoothie in my case). There is no need for kisses, hugs, holding hands or be all serious.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 2, 2018 22:27:01 GMT
Looks like a normal dating exchange to me. He may have been interested at first, but then lost interest. He stopped contacting you and you continued to contact him. Seems his interest was very low, but did reply back to you. I think you are reaching here. You chased and he didn't want a relationship with you. It happens.
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Post by leavethelighton on May 3, 2018 23:52:26 GMT
While I do think people can be compatible in the ways that most count even if one is gregarious and one is not, or one is health-conscious and one is not, both people would have to be open-minded to it and it sounds like he just couldn't wrap his mind around it. He may be someone who has an idea in his head of what he wants and won't date someone who doesn't totally meet that idea. Who knows...
His behavior does sound contradictory and hot/cold/hot/cold-- sometimes it is best to recognize that while we could REALLY wonder what they were really thinking and feeling and why they act the way they do, at least we are no longer in that dynamic.
Oh and by the way, for your future dating-- I think that some people are naturally more initiators and others not-- some will want to text every 3 days early on and some won't-- and you can't always read into that before you've had a conversation about it and expressed your desires for them to be more of an initiator. Someone can like you and still not be as assertive based on their personality, especially if you've been taking the lead or reigns on that.
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Post by leavethelighton on May 3, 2018 23:54:27 GMT
BTW I think it's funny and telling that to some degree the more DA people on here are like "he wasn't being contradictory" and the more AP people on here are like "He WAS sending mixed signals."
Being human is so complicated...
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Post by leavethelighton on May 3, 2018 23:56:59 GMT
And some specialists say: If you feel incredible chemistry on the first date, run as fast as you can. I know it sounds contra intuitive but apparently it is better to build chemistry (they say it is possible) over time in the curse of knowing someone better. Check the Rori Ray programmes, she has a newsletter and lots of free videos too. Good luck on your online adventure. This is true. The people I've had the quickest feelings for have all ended up being deeply painful experiences and the strongest DA-AP dance. It's almost like we get most quickly attracted to that which is not going to go well for us. I have heard some theories that this is our subconscious mind's way of trying to put us into situations that could eventually lead to resolution and healing (though IMO it rarely seems to actually lead to healing), or that it is our inner child's way of trying to continually relive our childhood emotional situation because even if it is painful it is a place of predictability and therefore comfort. |
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Post by DearLover on May 4, 2018 22:43:15 GMT
And some specialists say: If you feel incredible chemistry on the first date, run as fast as you can. I know it sounds contra intuitive but apparently it is better to build chemistry (they say it is possible) over time in the curse of knowing someone better. Check the Rori Ray programmes, she has a newsletter and lots of free videos too. Good luck on your online adventure. This is true. The people I've had the quickest feelings for have all ended up being deeply painful experiences and the strongest DA-AP dance. It's almost like we get most quickly attracted to that which is not going to go well for us. I have heard some theories that this is our subconscious mind's way of trying to put us into situations that could eventually lead to resolution and healing (though IMO it rarely seems to actually lead to healing), or that it is our inner child's way of trying to continually relive our childhood emotional situation because even if it is painful it is a place of predictability and therefore comfort. Couldn't agree more. And I have to get over this idea that I need butterflies, fireworks, the sun/moon/starts together in order to accept even giving a second look to a candidate (sight) In regarding to healing, I did find healing have gone through all these relationship, it just turns out I needed a lot of it and probably need some more. As I heard Alan Robarge saying in one of his videos today: This healing business is a lifestyle and a full time job. It will never end. Aren't we lucky? If there is such a thing as reincarnation, next time I am coming securely attached. I think I deserve a break  Having a chat with the most secure friend I have, talking about relationships, oh my, she hasn't got a clue, no 1st hand experience of the agony we know well. It is so outside her reality. It is a beautiful thing to see actually. |
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Post by yasmin on May 5, 2018 0:33:46 GMT
Online dating can be baffling and people can be interested and then vascilate. I think with men they are often ambivalent and looking for the next thing.
Its a personality thing. Some people feel attractions and stay quite stable with it and others feel attractions and then lose them very easily. It can be very hard.
I don't think you can diagnose him as DA or yourself as AP. It sounds more like a different approach to attraction and he sounds more flaky and insincere than anything else.
Online dating needs a really thick skin. I'm sorry you were hurt... I think just approach in in the sense that most people online are jerks and protect yourself xx
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flic
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Post by flic on May 5, 2018 0:42:59 GMT
This is true. The people I've had the quickest feelings for have all ended up being deeply painful experiences and the strongest DA-AP dance. It's almost like we get most quickly attracted to that which is not going to go well for us. I have heard some theories that this is our subconscious mind's way of trying to put us into situations that could eventually lead to resolution and healing (though IMO it rarely seems to actually lead to healing), or that it is our inner child's way of trying to continually relive our childhood emotional situation because even if it is painful it is a place of predictability and therefore comfort. Couldn't agree more. And I have to get over this idea that I need butterflies, fireworks, the sun/moon/starts together in order to accept even giving a second look to a candidate (sight) In regarding to healing, I did find healing have gone through all these relationship, it just turns out I needed a lot of it and probably need some more. As I heard Alan Robarge saying in one of his videos today: This healing business is a lifestyle and a full time job. It will never end. Aren't we lucky? If there is such a thing as reincarnation, next time I am coming securely attached. I think I deserve a break Having a chat with the most secure friend I have, talking about relationships, oh my, she hasn't got a clue, no 1st hand experience of the agony we know well. It is so outside her reality. It is a beautiful thing to see actually. This scares me so much - it makes me think I have to re-think everything i thought about attraction. i know a lot of books on Attachment suggest that for an AP, they should go for a Secure, but also, that they will likely find the Secure boring at the start. I don't know if i can bring myself to persevere with someone if i find them boring. It feels so at odds with gut instinct. It's hard to accept that our gut might be unintentionally sabotaging our chance for a long-term, happy relationship.  |
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Post by mrob on May 5, 2018 10:18:25 GMT
I can’t believe the way this thread has gone! Poor person may never post here again!
With online dating there are certainly two distinct phases: before and after meeting. There’s no theory after you’ve met in person, it’s all real. That’s where the rubber hits the road. Combine that with dating being a method of assessing compatibility and it can be a long winded process in today’s online world. Rejection is cr*p, and I know I came here looking for answers after I’d done the rejecting!
Either the man is FA and got spooked, or he made an assessment based on his perception. I guess you’ll only know if he does a circle and comes back.
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Post by mrob on May 5, 2018 10:19:26 GMT
Couldn't agree more. And I have to get over this idea that I need butterflies, fireworks, the sun/moon/starts together in order to accept even giving a second look to a candidate (sight) In regarding to healing, I did find healing have gone through all these relationship, it just turns out I needed a lot of it and probably need some more. As I heard Alan Robarge saying in one of his videos today: This healing business is a lifestyle and a full time job. It will never end. Aren't we lucky? If there is such a thing as reincarnation, next time I am coming securely attached. I think I deserve a break Having a chat with the most secure friend I have, talking about relationships, oh my, she hasn't got a clue, no 1st hand experience of the agony we know well. It is so outside her reality. It is a beautiful thing to see actually. This scares me so much - it makes me think I have to re-think everything i thought about attraction. i know a lot of books on Attachment suggest that for an AP, they should go for a Secure, but also, that they will likely find the Secure boring at the start. I don't know if i can bring myself to persevere with someone if i find them boring. It feels so at odds with gut instinct. It's hard to accept that our gut might be unintentionally sabotaging our chance for a long-term, happy relationship. If gut instinct got you to where you are, isn’t it time to try something else? We’re here because we are insecurely attached, through no fault of our own, and that, for me, means doing something different to my gut instinct. Regarding some things, it’s wrong. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 5, 2018 10:41:52 GMT
This scares me so much - it makes me think I have to re-think everything i thought about attraction. i know a lot of books on Attachment suggest that for an AP, they should go for a Secure, but also, that they will likely find the Secure boring at the start. I don't know if i can bring myself to persevere with someone if i find them boring. It feels so at odds with gut instinct. It's hard to accept that our gut might be unintentionally sabotaging our chance for a long-term, happy relationship. If gut instinct got you to where you are, isn’t it time to try something else? We’re here because we are insecurely attached, through no fault of our own, and that, for me, means doing something different to my gut instinct. Regarding some things, it’s wrong. But I also think the very nature of being insecurely attached makes it a bit more challenging to actually spot the secure in an world chock full of insecures. I have a few secure female friends but not a single secure male friend. Thus, saying to me..find and date a secure man feels equivilent to finding something that I have heard about but never experienced. |
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Post by DearLover on May 5, 2018 11:30:47 GMT
About being scared following attraction and chemistry:
I have realised that for me, my gut says very clear STEP BACK and RUN (not sure exactly why) but I ignore it because the feeling of 'coming home' is comforting and re-assuring. I do feel there is trouble ahead but I let the so called 'chemistry' take over and I love the bubbling feeling that is happening inside me. It is the drama about to unfold kind of feeling. About to board a roller coater ride kind of feeling.
I noticed that the most dysfunctional relationships I had, started when I was unhappy with my life and feeling insecure in myself. I was looking for change but didn't know how to make the change so had to search elsewhere and I thought a relationship would bring change for me. Easy to see, as soon as I found a connection, as soon as I felt accepted, I bet all my cards and latched on.
And because I was feeling so unstable, I was easy dominated by love-bombing, incessant flattering, plans for the future etc etc etc.
Secure man don't use the above techniques and that is why A-P might find them boring.
I have had relationships with men that I was physically not attracted to and didn't find their appearance appealing, in fact wished they looked differently. What kept me going was the attachment to their behaviour towards me and a promise of a stable relationship.
So I still have hope to find an attractive, good looking, 'boring' man who will want to get to know me slowly and build a solid foundation for a relationship, before declaring undying love and affirming that I am the only woman in the world.
Meanwhile I am to fulfil myself while alone, feel happy and satisfied, striving to mend the holes with my own internal resources. No expecting anybody from outside to do it for me. Then, when someone don't feel right or start misbehaving, I can walk away with little to no damage, and never look back.
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Post by mrob on May 5, 2018 11:34:28 GMT
That’s actually what is in Jeb’s book. I personally think people’s incessant persuit of the “fairytale” is insane. It doesn’t exist. It really is a case of “does my crazy work with your crazy”. And the answer may be “no”.
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Post by DearLover on May 5, 2018 11:51:00 GMT
That’s actually what is in Jeb’s book. I personally think people’s incessant persuit of the “fairytale” is insane. It doesn’t exist. It really is a case of “does my crazy work with your crazy”. And the answer may be “no”. Oh I haven't read his book yet. I am excited I am getting things right! Yay!!! Yes, hollywood, celebrities, TV, Disney, advertisements... All promoting the fairytale agenda. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 5, 2018 12:14:22 GMT
That’s actually what is in Jeb’s book. I personally think people’s incessant persuit of the “fairytale” is insane. It doesn’t exist. It really is a case of “does my crazy work with your crazy”. And the answer may be “no”. Can't speak for others...but when I fall into "infatuation"... I am about 7 years old...so yep...that is about the age for fairytales isn't it.🙂 |
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