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Post by mrob on May 5, 2018 13:40:43 GMT
You see it on the dating sites continually. So, this is before the infatuation. In fact, preparing for it. Hoping that the infatuation will be their panacea for life. Well, no. It just doesn’t exist. If something less than that is “settling”, it’s just not realistic, especially as we get older.
I hate breaking that to that 7 year old, btw.
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flic
Full Member
Posts: 119
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Post by flic on May 5, 2018 14:48:08 GMT
This scares me so much - it makes me think I have to re-think everything i thought about attraction. i know a lot of books on Attachment suggest that for an AP, they should go for a Secure, but also, that they will likely find the Secure boring at the start. I don't know if i can bring myself to persevere with someone if i find them boring. It feels so at odds with gut instinct. It's hard to accept that our gut might be unintentionally sabotaging our chance for a long-term, happy relationship.  If gut instinct got you to where you are, isn’t it time to try something else? We’re here because we are insecurely attached, through no fault of our own, and that, for me, means doing something different to my gut instinct. Regarding some things, it’s wrong. Very good point. Although, i don't actually regret any of my relationships, especially my last one. Sure, it's completely f*&!ed up my life, but i don't regret it. The love was intense, it was a wild ride, and I've learned so much about myself. I've decided I'm going to invest heavily in therapy, and keep trying to tame these wily Avoidants. I actually think, through buddhism and yoga and existential therapy i was getting to a place of Secure just before i met my most recent ex - now I realise I wasn't quite done with the work, which is why despite it working fine for 18 months, it ended up crashing down. So this time I'm going to commit to change, and maybe I'll then be attracted to a Secure, or else back into the surf i go.  |
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Post by leavethelighton on May 6, 2018 0:01:54 GMT
Aren't we lucky? If there is such a thing as reincarnation, next time I am coming securely attached. I think I deserve a break  Having a chat with the most secure friend I have, talking about relationships, oh my, she hasn't got a clue, no 1st hand experience of the agony we know well. It is so outside her reality. It is a beautiful thing to see actually. Dear Lover, I'm genuinely curious how your friend responded in the conversation-- what did she say that you saw as representative of her being "secure"? Also reincarnation had better exist, that's all I can say |
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Post by leavethelighton on May 6, 2018 0:07:45 GMT
This scares me so much - it makes me think I have to re-think everything i thought about attraction. i know a lot of books on Attachment suggest that for an AP, they should go for a Secure, but also, that they will likely find the Secure boring at the start. I don't know if i can bring myself to persevere with someone if i find them boring. It feels so at odds with gut instinct. It's hard to accept that our gut might be unintentionally sabotaging our chance for a long-term, happy relationship. Flic, I think as someone else posted in this thread, the key is to just take it slowly. You should have some mutual interest if you're going to go on a second date, but you can still keep things genuine. If you're taking things slow, you don't have to worry about faking it (Ex: you don't have to be physically intimate if you're not feeling it) but you can leave open some room for a new pattern. |
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