Post by poppy on May 2, 2018 14:46:04 GMT
Well I had no clue that this forum existed but probably like everyone who is here I came across it while searching the internet in the hope of being able to make some sense of what recently happened to me.
First a short introduction: I am a woman, in my late forties, never married, no children, I have a nice career but I am by no means a workaholic, financial situation is comfortable. I also study in the evening, out of interest and because I like to challenge myself. My last serious relationship was some years ago and pretty disastrous (turned out he was with someone else, lied about this and about many other things). I took my time to heal from that experience and feel balanced since then. And yes I would love to meet a great guy to share my life with. At my age however it seems impossible to meet someone in real life (all men seem to be taken) so once again I tried it via the internet.
That's where I found myself mid-March. I create a profile, get several responses among them a reply from C. I looked at his profile and really like it so we start a conversation. I am quite a writer and it turns out he is one as well, so we start a rather intense mailconversation about our jobs, hobbies, food, travelling, etc... He asks me to meet, I agree but tell him it has to wait 10 days because I have a lot of work before I go on a holiday. He accepts that and we remain in contact via mail, it is really an entertaining and lively conversation. He regularly refers to things we could do together, not in an exaggerated romantic tone, more just friendly.
C. seems very enthusiastic about me, and even though I am more reserved I have to say that his enthousiasm is contagious.
So I go to our first date, on a Thursday, with quite a lot of expectations. And the date is nice. We easily pick up live from our mail conversation. We have lunch, go for a walk, he takes me to his house (not in a move to seduce me but genuinely to show me how he lives), and he even cooks for me when it turns out that a restaurant where he wanted to take me for dinner is closes. All this happens in a friendly serene atmosphere, I feel at ease with him and he seems to feel at ease with me. There's a bit of flirtation on and he hints a couple of times to the future "I do not want to run ahead of things but..." but in general the atmosphere is rather relaxed, which I personally like for a first date.
In the evening he drops me off at the train station and gives me a kiss on the mouth, which surprised me a bit but which is nice. And when I am home I get 2 short text messages with "x" at the end (which in my book still means a kiss), and the mention that he will be online the day after, which normally means that he will send me a mail. I sent a short text back wishing him a good night and ending with "Kiss" (because I do not like these "x"s so much, you never know what they mean). And I go to bed with a good feeling, thinking that something is starting here.
However (you know there is going to be "however", otherwise I would not come here :-)).
I don't hear from him the day and I already start to feel nervous. I try to reassure myself by telling myself that he is leaving on holiday with his kids the day after and is probably preparing everything. On Saturday I send a short message wishing him a safe trip and a great holiday. In the evening I get a short reply, no mention of our date, and I still have the feeling something's off. The day after a new message, this time shortly mentioning that he is still thinking often about our date. I am happy that he mentions the date and in my reply I talk about how much I liked the date and make it clear that I hope for more of them. OK, probably major mistake on the basis of all that I read here.
C. replies to me that he has many questions concerning our date because he says that he is a social animal, very gregarious and I am not, and he thinks that will clash and he does not know how we will deal with that. Ouch. Cold shower for me. Especially because from our mailconversation I think that it is pretty clear that we are quite different in this respect so I am wondering a bit why he brings this up. I reply that I am not sure how to react to this but that my idea is to explore the contact further. We keep mailing a bit but he does not further address the issue and I find the exchange rather distant and superficial, certainly not as warm and enthusiastic as before. Ultimately we agree to meet after his holiday, at his place. He is doing laundry and tidying his place when I am there so it feels a bit like I have to fight for his attention at first, but then we sit down and talk a bit and he agrees he wants to continue the contact and see where it goes, and then there is a lot of kissing and not a lot of talking any more. We check when we can have our next date and that's only in 2 weeks! I am a bit shocked because his kids have just returned to their mom for a week but every evening is already taken, and after that it's a again a week with the kids and only after that week can we see each other. I am not so happy with that because I felt already very cut off from him when he was on holiday and now another 2 weeks without a proper date. So I tell him I find it important to remain in contact and he agrees he will.
So 2 frustrating weeks start for me as I really need him to contact me first for me to have the feeling that he really still wants this contact. So every 3 days I kind of get enough of not hearing from him and then text him to check if I can call him. He does reply to my text, not always immediately but he does. When I talk to him he is really nice and engaged in the conversation, and he seems to remember things I told him so it's not like he sounds indifferent. Still no contact on his own initiative, or at least not within 3 days (which seems to be my maximum period for not having contact). Anyway 2 days before our date I contact him again to fix the concrete details for our date (he will come to my town) and we talk for a longer time on the phone. First I tell him about him about some roadblocks I encountered concerning an assignment for my studies. He listens well and then also adds as a joke "and now on top of this you also have a guy" (which gives me the impression that he does indeed see himself with me), and I seize the opportunity to tell him that I am a bit puzzled about the fact that he does not contact me himself to which he replies that he assumes that I am very busy with work and studies. To this I tell him that it does not bother me that he contacts me, on the contrary, that I really would like that. The conversation ends with saying out loud "Kiss, and hug".
After the telephone conversation I feel kind of relieved because I managed to say this to him, and I feel I did it in a calm way, without blaming. So I think that all is well.
Two days later we meet and he tells me he thinks we are incompatible and he cannot go on with this.
WHAT???
When I ask him why the reason is this time that I am very busy and that he is afraid I will bring too much stress in his life. I am totally flabbergasted. Again, the work - study combination is something he knew beforehand and is something I have total control over in the sense that I choose the speed of taking up classes and exams myself. I also have no kids so I am a lot more flexible than he is.
But to be honest, I have the feeling that the reasons he mentions do not really matter. I also have the feeling that he really likes me. There is chemistry as well. And he told me he wants something serious. To me it seems as if this guy makes a move, and when I respond positively to it, he can't disappear quickly enough.
I have to say that I was really devastated at first but because it did not last very long I found my balance back but I still find his behaviour utterly confusing.
First a short introduction: I am a woman, in my late forties, never married, no children, I have a nice career but I am by no means a workaholic, financial situation is comfortable. I also study in the evening, out of interest and because I like to challenge myself. My last serious relationship was some years ago and pretty disastrous (turned out he was with someone else, lied about this and about many other things). I took my time to heal from that experience and feel balanced since then. And yes I would love to meet a great guy to share my life with. At my age however it seems impossible to meet someone in real life (all men seem to be taken) so once again I tried it via the internet.
That's where I found myself mid-March. I create a profile, get several responses among them a reply from C. I looked at his profile and really like it so we start a conversation. I am quite a writer and it turns out he is one as well, so we start a rather intense mailconversation about our jobs, hobbies, food, travelling, etc... He asks me to meet, I agree but tell him it has to wait 10 days because I have a lot of work before I go on a holiday. He accepts that and we remain in contact via mail, it is really an entertaining and lively conversation. He regularly refers to things we could do together, not in an exaggerated romantic tone, more just friendly.
C. seems very enthusiastic about me, and even though I am more reserved I have to say that his enthousiasm is contagious.
So I go to our first date, on a Thursday, with quite a lot of expectations. And the date is nice. We easily pick up live from our mail conversation. We have lunch, go for a walk, he takes me to his house (not in a move to seduce me but genuinely to show me how he lives), and he even cooks for me when it turns out that a restaurant where he wanted to take me for dinner is closes. All this happens in a friendly serene atmosphere, I feel at ease with him and he seems to feel at ease with me. There's a bit of flirtation on and he hints a couple of times to the future "I do not want to run ahead of things but..." but in general the atmosphere is rather relaxed, which I personally like for a first date.
In the evening he drops me off at the train station and gives me a kiss on the mouth, which surprised me a bit but which is nice. And when I am home I get 2 short text messages with "x" at the end (which in my book still means a kiss), and the mention that he will be online the day after, which normally means that he will send me a mail. I sent a short text back wishing him a good night and ending with "Kiss" (because I do not like these "x"s so much, you never know what they mean). And I go to bed with a good feeling, thinking that something is starting here.
However (you know there is going to be "however", otherwise I would not come here :-)).
I don't hear from him the day and I already start to feel nervous. I try to reassure myself by telling myself that he is leaving on holiday with his kids the day after and is probably preparing everything. On Saturday I send a short message wishing him a safe trip and a great holiday. In the evening I get a short reply, no mention of our date, and I still have the feeling something's off. The day after a new message, this time shortly mentioning that he is still thinking often about our date. I am happy that he mentions the date and in my reply I talk about how much I liked the date and make it clear that I hope for more of them. OK, probably major mistake on the basis of all that I read here.
C. replies to me that he has many questions concerning our date because he says that he is a social animal, very gregarious and I am not, and he thinks that will clash and he does not know how we will deal with that. Ouch. Cold shower for me. Especially because from our mailconversation I think that it is pretty clear that we are quite different in this respect so I am wondering a bit why he brings this up. I reply that I am not sure how to react to this but that my idea is to explore the contact further. We keep mailing a bit but he does not further address the issue and I find the exchange rather distant and superficial, certainly not as warm and enthusiastic as before. Ultimately we agree to meet after his holiday, at his place. He is doing laundry and tidying his place when I am there so it feels a bit like I have to fight for his attention at first, but then we sit down and talk a bit and he agrees he wants to continue the contact and see where it goes, and then there is a lot of kissing and not a lot of talking any more. We check when we can have our next date and that's only in 2 weeks! I am a bit shocked because his kids have just returned to their mom for a week but every evening is already taken, and after that it's a again a week with the kids and only after that week can we see each other. I am not so happy with that because I felt already very cut off from him when he was on holiday and now another 2 weeks without a proper date. So I tell him I find it important to remain in contact and he agrees he will.
So 2 frustrating weeks start for me as I really need him to contact me first for me to have the feeling that he really still wants this contact. So every 3 days I kind of get enough of not hearing from him and then text him to check if I can call him. He does reply to my text, not always immediately but he does. When I talk to him he is really nice and engaged in the conversation, and he seems to remember things I told him so it's not like he sounds indifferent. Still no contact on his own initiative, or at least not within 3 days (which seems to be my maximum period for not having contact). Anyway 2 days before our date I contact him again to fix the concrete details for our date (he will come to my town) and we talk for a longer time on the phone. First I tell him about him about some roadblocks I encountered concerning an assignment for my studies. He listens well and then also adds as a joke "and now on top of this you also have a guy" (which gives me the impression that he does indeed see himself with me), and I seize the opportunity to tell him that I am a bit puzzled about the fact that he does not contact me himself to which he replies that he assumes that I am very busy with work and studies. To this I tell him that it does not bother me that he contacts me, on the contrary, that I really would like that. The conversation ends with saying out loud "Kiss, and hug".
After the telephone conversation I feel kind of relieved because I managed to say this to him, and I feel I did it in a calm way, without blaming. So I think that all is well.
Two days later we meet and he tells me he thinks we are incompatible and he cannot go on with this.
WHAT???
When I ask him why the reason is this time that I am very busy and that he is afraid I will bring too much stress in his life. I am totally flabbergasted. Again, the work - study combination is something he knew beforehand and is something I have total control over in the sense that I choose the speed of taking up classes and exams myself. I also have no kids so I am a lot more flexible than he is.
But to be honest, I have the feeling that the reasons he mentions do not really matter. I also have the feeling that he really likes me. There is chemistry as well. And he told me he wants something serious. To me it seems as if this guy makes a move, and when I respond positively to it, he can't disappear quickly enough.
I have to say that I was really devastated at first but because it did not last very long I found my balance back but I still find his behaviour utterly confusing.
