Avoidant versus Anxious

Jo,

I agree that there is something to some people here want to stay/re-visit the relationship. I would say as far as my attachment goes, I'm a mix of secure and anxious, depending on who I am with. When I was with my ex avoidant, I was actually pretty secure and surprised myself...But after he ended the relationship, I went into full anxious mode (although I've managed to not contact him since the breakup, so that's good). I think a large part of wanting to stay/re-visit the relationship comes from a strong need to 'fix' things, to get back what was had. I also think that because avoidant rejection just 'doesn't make sense' to a non-avoidant, we tend to have trouble grasping it and accepting that it just cannot work out. 

Mary, you said that once you break up you do not gain feelings again for the ex. If i broke up with my avoidant a while ago and feel much more secure and willing to work things through do you think there is a chance he would want to try again or do you feel once it's done it is done.

Thank you

I'm so happy for you both Mary You and your partner seem self aware and understanding. Thanks for your repsonse

The dismissive-avoidant may have a low self-esteem, but he acts as if he had a high self-esteem. Or more precisely, he acts as if he had an inflated self-esteem. He tends to think that nothing is wrong with him, he expects his partner to be perfect, etc.

The preoccupied has a low self-esteem, but acts accordingly.

So they may be similar on the inside, but they will be perceived very differently by people looking at them from the outside.


Yes, it may be extreme. But there is a reason if avoidants can act as if they had a high self-esteem when it's not true: it is much easier for them to convince themselves of whatever makes them feel comfortable, no matter what the reality is. All their distancing strategies consists in fooling themselves into believing something that is not true. Some of them are indeed aware that not everything is their partner's fault, which is good. There are varying degrees and variants of all 4 attachment styles.

I think the avoidant gets more criticism due to a few factors. Firstly, they don't tell their side of the story much. Since they don't like to talk about their feelings they are less likely to confide in friends or family when relationships are in turmoil or ended in any way other than my partner is so 'insert fault found here'. They may have legitimate greivances but they are unlikely to communicate the problem in enough detail where an outsider might point out that the problem is a mutual one. Also they are probably unlikely to have close connections that would feel they could speak with enough candor to point out the problem is mutual or even manufactured by the avoidant.
Also when the relationship ends they move on quickly and are unlikely to seek counseling or information online that might point them into the direction of learning they are avoidant. Similarly they are less likely to aknowledge they have a problem due to their perceived psychological superiority.
This then drive the formation of websites and search results. The hurt anxious goes online to vent and search for information. This generates webpages and the demand for websites that address their needs.
The anxious willingness to talk and work on the relationship, which in all fairness is largely motivated by our desperation to not be abandoned, is prolly easier for the secure community to empathize with and see as a better relationship trait to the avoidant's tendency to run away and cut their loses.
Finally, the avoidant trait seems to be harder to 'fix'. Few avoidants ever seek help on their own and stick to it from the research I have seen, whereas the anxious can change with consious effort, likely because we are more motivated to have a lasting healthy relationship. Also, while the anxious can drive a secure partner away due to clinging or jealousy, our willingness to communicate and work with our partners prolly enables us to drive off fewer potential secures than the avoidant's tendency to distance. Their defense mechanism provides little to discourage a secure that realizes something is wrong to continue to work on the relationship. After some time with a secure partner the anxious can become secure, it's unlikely the avoidant spend this much time with a secure for this reason. I've read some but seen no research to support the idea that a secure-avoidant pairing is much less likely to succeed than a secure-anxious pairing.

I am an avoidant, but never idealized exes or had any guilt.  I also have some avoidant friends and it doesn't seem to be the case there either.  I have seen this often being written about avoidants, but I can't relate to it.  The big reason I broke up with my current partner and got back together is because he made it clear that he loved and accepted me and I had formed a real attachment to him.  I think perhaps, the avoidants who come back for attention are ones that rate higher on the narcissism scale.  I am fine without attention and often prefer to be without it.

I have a different approach to Mary's question.

Some time ago I became acquainted with a system created completely without the knowledge of attachment patterns. It's goal was to identify "blockages that prevent personal growth". They had identified three main groups of emotional blockages that - in my opinion - correspond closely to the three main attachment patterns.

The group which negative emotions (imo) corresponds to the avoidant pattern is characterised by "antagonism", "indifference", and "hostility". The group that (imo) corresponds to the anxious preoccupied is characterised by "resentment", "grief", and "guilt". The one which negative emotions (imo) corresponds to the secure pattern is characterised by "anger", "fear of loss", and "separation". (This is so because secures are 1) connected to their emotions as opposed to avoidants, and 2) not afraid of expressing negative emotions as opposed to anxious preoccupieds).

While all these emotions are negative and put strain on relationships, it may seem that the avoidant's range of emotions (as perceived by me) is particularly difficult because of the underlying hostility. I am (mostly) anxious preoccupied myself and have been in relationships with avoidants and the projected hostility is shattering (and evokes a lot of shame in me).

That said, it has been tremendously valuable to read avoidants' own descriptions of their inner struggles with relationships - I finally understand where they "come from".