Finally let my ex FA go. They don’t change

One interesting thing I noticed is, he now actually agreed with some of the things I said ages ago. When I ended it with him over a month ago, I told him that no one is perfect but the right person should strive to become a better version of himself for me cos I would do the same. I don’t like to think if that person fits my vision cos I don’t have a “dream guy” in mind. But then he said he would totally change for someone but it never felt right between us. Fair enough. You never got to know me as me anyways. You just got to know me as someone who you thought I was.

Today he said the same thing to me saying he believes he should change and become a better person for his future partner and I should do the same (bro why you repeating what I said? Also didn’t you say you needed to feel right first to change for someone??). And that he also agrees with me there’s no such thing as a dream guy no one is perfect (completely opposite to what he’s been doing).

I think in a way, they found it difficult to open up to other people but comfortable to do so with us, even when we are not in a relationship. The emotional connection between us was always there. And they would always feel sensitive to what we think about them (let’s face it most of us here are not on the same page with them). It always baffled me how many deep conversations my ex FA could have with me. I’m not sure if he was like that with his other exes but it felt that he was comfortable with revealing himself to me so much but also felt incredibly vulnerable doing so.

I told him I thought things would work better if we weren’t together but all the negative emotions just came back to me with the things he said and his negative comments about me. It was all too much.

I defo won’t be the girl that made him realise he had to change. He is very comfortable living in his own bubble and believing that there’s something wrong with the world. The most helpful thing I could’ve done to help him was to leave him and never come back. Not exist in his life in any shape or form.

I was naive for thinking he would not get triggered by me anymore now we’re not a couple and would see that I am not who he thinks I am.

I really do wonder why some FA like him would find it so hard to accept people as they are and focus on how people treat them rather than if people fit their idea of how they friends and lovers should behave.

Oh no, it’s certainly not your responsibility. In fact, it was the pain that came from someone saving herself by leaving that got me even looking at this stuff.

I often wonder how FA feel after being left. I’m FA but I always do the leaving no matter what the situation is so I find it hard to imagine I would leave it until someone dump me cos my fears would just enable me to walk away first. Since FAs were already sabotaging the relationship and always talking themselves out of the relationship, being left alone would just confirm their doubts and fears and essentially no different from dumping someone?

How did you feel after she left you to seek a healthier relationship?

I think we either have no reaction or an exaggerated reaction.

It's happened to me twice, as I almost always end relationships first and feel absolutely nothing about it.  I am very slow to attach, so usually I just don't feel much in breakups because I never attached in the first place.  I have experienced a lot that men are crying or very frustrated that they are leaving and I don't care, and I try and be compassionate but I just feel nothing.  Once I am attached truly (has only happened three times) then I am basically screwed!

I had a classic FA breeding childhood, but was lucky because my first love was secure and loving and moved me from being quite naturally avoidant to very secure.  I think he was largely responsible for me being relatively normal emotionally because he loved me in ways I didn't get at home.  I was completely devastated, probably for a decade when he left in my early twenties.   It went beyond a healthy / normal level of devastation.  I was just completely unable to get over it.  I still feel pain over it quite often.  I was DA for 10 years after that with every relationship (including friendships).  I didn't connect to anyone,  I moved to another country and didn't even speak to my friends and family.  I only had casual sex very occasionally but mostly had basically no desire for human contact of any kind.  It was like being in an emotional coma for a decade.  The grief of that still sits in me as fresh as it was back then.

He tried to come back to me several times over the 10 years, but the damage from him leaving was so severe that I pushed him away every time, even though I loved him I could never get past the hurt he'd caused me.  It was like him leaving me changed me and I could not go back.

The second time was the second time in my life I allowed myself to truly love someone.  It was a VERY slow road for him to earn my trust, a very slow road for me to fully believe he'd never hurt me but we got there eventually.  I trusted him completely, never thought he would ever harm me, never thought he would ever leave me.  I was completely secure in the relationship.  I'd have staked my life actually on the belief that he would never do anything to harm me.  One day he just disappeared.  It shocked the hell out of me as it came with no warning AT ALL or even signs it was coming. I don't want to go into details, but even now many years later people I know are still completely shocked and horrified by the circumstances of that because it was like a movie - totally crazy - out of nowhere he just ran out the door and he never came back.    

I didn't love him as much as I loved the first one,  but it was the way he'd left that was particular shocking and brutal that did the damage.  After that I was blatantly FA in my attachments and haven't been able to date attach to anyone since.  I have tried, but I either go AP or DA and swing between the two depending on the other person's behavior.  I am sure if he hadn't done that we'd have been together forever and I wouldn't be on this forum because we had no attachment issues within the relationship.  I was very connected and committed and intimate and didn't have any fears about it.  The circumstances just happenned to cause enough pain that I was swung back into the worst of myself. 

I think before that I had always had avoidant tendencies, and it was just circumstances which triggered me into becoming so extreme in my attachment disorder.  

Right now, the idea of ever suffering that way again is just way too much for me.  I'd rather be alone forever.

I don't think FAs can handle the pain of breakups in a normal we.  We just don't get over things.

szorn2296 when I ended it with him the first time he didn’t say much either. Just said best to accept it. Not point argue about this anymore. Maybe I just wasn’t ready.

Completely opposite to what he said to me before.

I’m willing to bet my left hand he has 0 remorse and is completely happy to move on thinking it was just me. Not a fucking doubt. I’m not gonna stick around and think he will wake up from all of this and realise what a massive A-hole he’s been accusing me of all the things he said about me and all his fault finding.

The only regret I had was I didn’t tell him to F off for saying all those terrible things to me. I still do care about him deep down but I’d move on long before he becomes a decent person.

I second mrob as I, too, found pain to be a powerful motivation. I must love my avoidant very much, because it was the pain of losing him that forced me to face my own attachment style.

Personally I don't think that loss is felt when there is no time spent grieving the relationship. I accepted this breakup without directing any anger at him, in fact I have been struggling through the intense emotions. For a couple of weeks I barely slept or ate, always on the brink of tears. The idea of friendship is unacceptable to me and I would prefer to sever ties instead.