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Post by szorn2296 on May 14, 2018 14:40:28 GMT
I am wondering if struggle to make/keep plans is pretty common for FAs? Do FAs typically not have friends/good relationship with families because of this?
My ex has one friend that I know of, outside of work friends, and it seems as though he is unable to make plans/follow through with plans with his friend - his friend often expressed how frustrating this was.
When we started dating, he told me up front "I'm a terrible planner" - I told him no worries at all (I thought surely nothing more than a normal male trying to plan, right?) I didn't notice this as much, but maybe because it was new and it was in season for him so I had to travel to him anyway. However, he always expressed that he felt bad I was traveling there so much and that during offseason he would have much more time to fly down and that he owed me trips to where I live. As time went on, it was impossible to get him to initiate this. He had not come down to visit me in two months - it was always something about his plane, (he was not working during those two months, as that is his offseason) but explained he only has so much time during his offseason to get things done for himself, it was always something. Then he would mention "yeah, I could fly down this weekend" and I would never hear of it again and he wouldn't be doing anything that weekend that would have inhibited him from being here. Yet he would tell me constantly that he missed me, wished we were together, show me in every other way that he really cared for me, etc. It...was....so...bizarre.
I pointed this out to him and after some pushback, he changed it for about 5 weeks. He was coming down all the time. He was going out of his way to get here. He had scheduled to go golf with a friend when he was in town once, yet called to touch base with me about it first to make sure it was ok - of course it was, and I was just SO thrilled that he was touching base about PLANS! Who was he!?
It didn't last. He claimed that maxed him out. He threw it back on me the next time he flew off the handle. The last straw for me 3.5 weeks ago was again, failure to follow through with plans that were spoken about 48 hours prior (we had not seen each other in two weeks due to long distance, but we usually don't go this long) - it was literally as if he hadn't even thought about them until I brought it up the night that he was supposed to be heading into town. He was doing absolutely nothing at all that weekend (I asked him over the phone what his plans were, in order to give him an opportunity to communicate his plans about coming here. He responded that he was grilling chicken, and doing a couple of random things around the house the next day if it did not rain). He was defensive when I told him it upset me because we had talked about plans and I asked him to let me know, and he didn't. I kindly said "I'm not angry, it just is upsetting because I haven't seen you in two weeks, I miss you, I want to see you, and you aren't communicating about plans again, and this is something you know is important to me" I would not have even been as upset that he was not coming had he just called to communicate that to me. He couldn't even do that. Yet, when I brought it up, he said "but I'm communicating to you about it right now" he actually believed that counted - AFTER I ASKED... on the evening that he was supposed to be coming in town and I had heard nothing up until I called to ask and through a 10 minute phone call, he had yet to mention it. He said "Well, I've been working" I said "Well, I've also been working, but it doesn't distract me from the fact that I have tentative plans to spend time with you." He didn't like this response and this was truly my final straw.
He rarely goes to see his family, either. Once a year and they are approx. 45 minute flight away, although he often expresses that he needs to see them. They always come to him.
Is this normal FA behavior as far as planning goes - help me understand - why is it so difficult? I truly want to understand why this is. Do you think he truly felt that I was out of line in that conversation and that he felt justified for his lack of communication about plans? Or do you think he does/has realized that that was not right.
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Post by szorn2296 on May 14, 2018 16:18:52 GMT
I like to keep my options open for 'big picture' things - but not for basic everyday stuff. How hard can it be to keep a date or schedule a meeting in advance and stick to it? Also, when I do make a plan for big things, I stick to it. That said, sometimes I really question if I'm actually FA. I'm starting to think I'm more of a secure in FA/AP struggle now from my last relationship with an FA. He could definitely never make a decision or plan - especially when it came to me! Everything that involved having to think of another person than himself was an eternal battle. But he seemed very good at keeping to his own (secretive) plans. I have also noticed more that my AP friends are the ones who cannot make plans - or stick to them. Mainly because they are highly emotional and dictate what they do based on how they are feeling in the moment. That is interesting. I am Secure/AP - but I don't tend to have issues not making plans. In fact, I feel terrible cancelling on anyone or changing plans last minute. However, this is one way, for me, to make me feel super let down, especially in relationships. When I have plans with my significant other, I do expect that person to follow through, or at the very least communicate if something has come up, and make the effort to reschedule later. If they don't, I typically feel rejected and upset. I have gotten better at communicating this as to not blow it out of proportion, but to let them know that that is a really important aspect of a relationship for me and I feel let down when my boyfriend does not follow through, or acts as though our plans are not important. This was a concept my ex could not grasp. Or, did at times, but it did not come naturally, and it kept happening even after an extended period of time of doing better. I asked for over-communication about plans. He then took that statement and totally misunderstood - he would then send multiple paragraph messages about his day (in detail). I told him no, that wasn't what I meant although I appreciate his effort - I just want him to over-communicate in regards to our plans (initiating, letting me know if something has come up, etc.). This was literally impossible for him to do - so. bizarre. I also wonder if maybe this is another issue - does not like leaving his house, etc. He never acted bothered by us being together and in fact always looked forward to it when I would make plans to go see him - he just couldn't initiate or come to me consistently. |
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Post by nottheonion on May 14, 2018 21:58:12 GMT
My FA ex is the worst planner I’ve ever dated. He loved to leave it till the day or the day before. After a month of dating, I told him he needs to respect my time to at least plan a day or two in advance. He completely freaked out! Saying that I can’t be this insecure to not expect to see him at least once a week. That he expected me to at least spare one day of the weekend with no planning whatsoever just to see him at this stage of dating (after just a month of dating!!). And that he’s never dated any girl that would even request him to plan. I was shocked thinking what kinda girls was he dating???
This is one of the things that made him doubt us and that maybe he can’t fulfil my needs. That maybe I’m not right for him.
I still can’t understand his logic. Like it’s so laughably ridiculous I’m not even sure how he got the idea that a partner should just drop everything to see him if he doesn’t even respect his partners time.
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Post by nottheonion on May 14, 2018 22:02:35 GMT
And from what I could see, my FA ex doesn’t have many close friends. He doesn’t go out with friends that much and the closest friend he’s always talking to was kinda crazy (from the way he described him. He thought he was crazy too). Most days he was just happy staying in.
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Post by szorn2296 on May 14, 2018 22:14:07 GMT
My FA ex is the worst planner I’ve ever dated. He loved to leave it till the day or the day before. After a month of dating, I told him he needs to respect my time to at least plan a day or two in advance. He completely freaked out! Saying that I can’t be this insecure to not expect to see him at least once a week. That he expected me to at least spare one day of the weekend with no planning whatsoever just to see him at this stage of dating (after just a month of dating!!). And that he’s never dated any girl that would even request him to plan. I was shocked thinking what kinda girls was he dating??? This is one of the things that made him doubt us and that maybe he can’t fulfil my needs. That maybe I’m not right for him. I still can’t understand his logic. Like it’s so laughably ridiculous I’m not even sure how he got the idea that a partner should just drop everything to see him if he doesn’t even respect his partners time. Omg - yes, infuriating. Mine was literally incapable of doing this consistently and took every ounce of effort in him to try to fix it - and he always reverted back. It seems to me like mine was well aware of this issue - as the first time we hung out he told me he is a terrible planner - and he seems self-conscious about it? This seems like an incredibly easy thing to work at and change (and he did a few times!).... I literally could not understand why I was still experiencing the same issues at the end, after endless conversation about it. Either that or he is just super selfish and uses "poor planning" as a crutch. I never could figure that out. But also, he would think that he was communicating about plans....by not saying anything? Or when I finally asked at the last minute after giving him ample time to come to me about the tentative plans, he would say that he didn't understand why I was upset because he WAS communicating (right then in the moment). I would always say: Yes, because I asked? We would have gone this whole weekend and you wouldn't have mentioned another word about it. This would infuriate him and he would get defensive. I honestly thought this was just male behavior but truthfully, it has got to do with his avoidance issues. How on earth does a 30 year old man....not know how to/feel a serious desire to plan something as simple as seeing your girlfriend? If I had never initiated plans, I honestly wonder how many times we would have seen each other. |
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Post by szorn2296 on May 14, 2018 22:34:10 GMT
And from what I could see, my FA ex doesn’t have many close friends. He doesn’t go out with friends that much and the closest friend he’s always talking to was kinda crazy (from the way he described him. He thought he was crazy too). Most days he was just happy staying in. My FA ex also only has one friend. And that friend always has to plan everything. Thankfully, he is not crazy though - I'm not sure how the friend puts up with my ex! My ex must show him a different side to what he showed me... My best friend's husband is his one friend...and he also gets furious at his lack of communication/following through with plans. My ex has told the friend (and me) that he knows he has been a shitty friend. What I (and the friend) always say is - if you know that - then TRY not to be a shitty friend? Try to do something different? How hard is it to make an effort. |
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Post by mrob on May 14, 2018 23:33:48 GMT
I’m terrible at making plans and terrible at remembering them. I feel conflicted when there are two competing forces for my time. When I’m pushed too far, and that could be something that most people would see as reasonable, I feel manipulated and engulfed. Manipulation, perceived or otherwise, will activate me immediately. Back me into a position and I will find a way out, and you can guarantee it won’t be doing what the other person wants.
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Post by nottheonion on May 14, 2018 23:52:34 GMT
I honestly thought this was just male behavior but truthfully, it has got to do with his avoidance issues. How on earth does a 30 year old man....not know how to/feel a serious desire to plan something as simple as seeing your girlfriend? If I had never initiated plans, I honestly wonder how many times we would have seen each other. I tell you how. This is what we call “haven’t got his s*** together. Looking back, I’m not surprised why my excouldn’t plan taking into account how messy his life in general is. Always bailed on plans of seeing his family. Says he might lose his job in a few months but never actually make the effort to apply for new jobs. Zero saving in his early 30s. Happy to sleep on a bed with no bed sheet etc. Pretty sure he is an avoidant in life in general. Forever avoiding responsibilities. |
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Post by nottheonion on May 14, 2018 23:58:48 GMT
And from what I could see, my FA ex doesn’t have many close friends. He doesn’t go out with friends that much and the closest friend he’s always talking to was kinda crazy (from the way he described him. He thought he was crazy too). Most days he was just happy staying in. My FA ex also only has one friend. And that friend always has to plan everything. Thankfully, he is not crazy though - I'm not sure how the friend puts up with my ex! My ex must show him a different side to what he showed me... My FA ex doesn’t really make plans with him from what I could tell. In fact he even insisted that they are not that close but somehow he would always text this friend about anything. And they’ve been friends for years. He used to say “oh I’m not that close with him” about quite a few of his friends. Then you found out they actually played in a band together, confided in each other or used to be housemates and hang out etc. It’s all really strange. He was just FA all round. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 15, 2018 0:05:34 GMT
In the very early days of dating...for the first 3.5 months....B would use "non commital" language and sometimes I honestly felt like he was negotiating a business meeting rather than seeing his girlfriend. Sometimes he would make "tentative" plans but then drop out due to another opportunty. I will admit, I had a difficult time not taking it personally.. One night we had plans to meet at my place and his prior activity ran long....so long that I texted him that if it wasn't done by a certain time that we should reschedule...he did make it over. After we settled more into dating, we had "set days" that he would come over...that made things a lot better. I always thought of him as hedging his bets, but I think he just wanted to protect himself from being overwhelmed by too much relationship too quickly.
Also...he too has one "best friend" and I do think his friend makes all the plans and B will either join or not.
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Post by szorn2296 on May 15, 2018 0:07:18 GMT
I honestly thought this was just male behavior but truthfully, it has got to do with his avoidance issues. How on earth does a 30 year old man....not know how to/feel a serious desire to plan something as simple as seeing your girlfriend? If I had never initiated plans, I honestly wonder how many times we would have seen each other. I tell you how. This is what we call “haven’t got his s*** together. Looking back, I’m not surprised why my excouldn’t plan taking into account how messy his life in general is. Always bailed on plans of seeing his family. Says he might lose his job in a few months but never actually make the effort to apply for new jobs. Zero saving in his early 30s. Happy to sleep on a bed with no bed sheet etc. Pretty sure he is an avoidant in life in general. Forever avoiding responsibilities. I think what is confusing is that he has it together in every other area of his life. He is OCD in a lot of ways - everything has to be perfectly calculated, organized, etc. Anytime he does anything (even the smallest things), he thinks of the best possible way to do it and is very careful and detailed when doing so - which is why it is even more baffling that relationships are the one area where he cannot seem to use those skills. |
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Post by yasmin on May 15, 2018 0:09:51 GMT
I'm awful at making plans and I often forget I've made them. I can't even book the dentist
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Post by mindful on May 29, 2018 1:21:18 GMT
There were yellow flags for me when my ex FA wouldn't follow-up on what he said he’d do. He’d forget, and then I had to remind him – sometimes twice.
He also consistently came to dates and events late. He said tardiness wasn’t a big deal to him, which was troubling to me because it seemed inconsiderate to others, especially when they had to wait on him to start an event.
I could also see his indecisiveness to commit to plans ahead of time, because he didn't know if he'd be up for it until a few hours before the event.
I told him he needed to work on those things because I needed reliability from him in order to trust him, and he did work on those things. I ended up trusting him in the end.
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Post by mistakes on May 29, 2018 10:02:45 GMT
I’m terrible at making plans and terrible at remembering them. I feel conflicted when there are two competing forces for my time. When I’m pushed too far, and that could be something that most people would see as reasonable, I feel manipulated and engulfed. Manipulation, perceived or otherwise, will activate me immediately. Back me into a position and I will find a way out, and you can guarantee it won’t be doing what the other person wants. Thanks for letting me understand what’s in the mind. But it also seems that FA forget plans... so, when there is no respond to an invitation that I made, how to communicate without triggering my friend to feel pushed? |
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Post by mistakes on May 29, 2018 10:20:12 GMT
My FA ex also only has one friend. And that friend always has to plan everything. Thankfully, he is not crazy though - I'm not sure how the friend puts up with my ex! My ex must show him a different side to what he showed me... My FA ex doesn’t really make plans with him from what I could tell. In fact he even insisted that they are not that close but somehow he would always text this friend about anything. And they’ve been friends for years. He used to say “oh I’m not that close with him” about quite a few of his friends. Then you found out they actually played in a band together, confided in each other or used to be housemates and hang out etc. It’s all really strange. He was just FA all round. Omg, my ex used to complain that he doesn’t get along with his friends, no one text him or call him, but I would see him travel with his friends... I text him just to share my life with him, maybe I’ll keep doing it for years, without much respond? I just wish to know what to do so that he could receive the love that people had for him... any suggestions? |
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