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Post by mistakes on May 30, 2018 16:05:54 GMT
No need to run, just live your own life! Google “The 180”. It’s not entirely appropriate to this situation, but it is the way to break out of the push/pull, and it will bring you sanity. You mean the list of 33 don’ts? I did #8 bought gift, haha! Thanks mrob~ Other than the don’ts, how to keep in tough without “pursuing”? |
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2018 16:07:15 GMT
No need to run, just live your own life! Google “The 180”. It’s not entirely appropriate to this situation, but it is the way to break out of the push/pull, and it will bring you sanity. You mean the list of 33 don’ts? I did #8 bought gift, haha! Thanks mrob~ Other than the don’ts, how to keep in tough without “pursuing”? As in, how do I pursue him without seeming like I'm pursuing him? 
I don't seem to be the only one but some might find it manipulative and fruitless. You don't see it, because a fish doesn't know it is living in water.
The manipulation can be obvious to others, they can smell it, it puts people off and they might run away.
There is no trust when there is subterfuge, faking, something isn't straight, manipulation of perception, etc.
Not to mention it is neigh impossible when it comes to "love" and attachment. It is binary - either they are into you or they aren't.
In general, as exes, we either *do* truly *respect* their boundaries, and set them free, in every sense of the word and work on our recovery, even though we occasionally lapsed or ....we don't, and keep finding ways to sneak breaches of our exes' boundaries, hoping to find out how to do it better, more invisibly. In the process, we actually end up hurting ourselves.
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Post by mistakes on May 30, 2018 16:08:11 GMT
Good on you for recongizing what you need and looking after yourself^^ But I honestly want different thing from you... Hmm, are you expecting that some FA/DA here will give you the "magic solution" to get your ex back if you hang around enough? Not trying to get ex back. Just don’t want to break his trust with people, I promised that I would be there, I said I understands that fear if letting other became a bubble that bouncevothers away, because I have been there. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 30, 2018 16:20:32 GMT
Hmm, are you expecting that some FA/DA here will give you the "magic solution" to get your ex back if you hang around enough? Not trying to get ex back. Just don’t want to break his trust with people, I promised that I would be there, I said I understands that fear if letting other became a bubble that bouncevothers away, because I have been there. Here is an original thought...why don't you ask him? |
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Post by mistakes on May 30, 2018 16:30:25 GMT
Not trying to get ex back. Just don’t want to break his trust with people, I promised that I would be there, I said I understands that fear if letting other became a bubble that bouncevothers away, because I have been there. Here is an original thought...why don't you ask him? Because like I said, each time after I ask him about the relationship, he did express himself but withdraw further? Why would I do that? Communication was not like usual relationship to start with, why would I push him for my puzzles? I find this forum helpful, because it seems there are FAs that are willing to share the inner world, which would cost less stress with the people that we care. If only all our FA friends, partners, ex etc are willing to communicate, I think the forum would not have exit the first place? |
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Post by tnr9 on May 30, 2018 16:36:52 GMT
Here is an original thought...why don't you ask him? Because like I said, each time after I ask him about the relationship, he did express himself but withdraw further? Why would I do that? Communication was not like usual relationship to start with, why would I push him for my puzzles? I find this forum helpful, because it seems there are FAs that are willing to share the inner world, which would cost less stress with the people that we care. If only all our FA friends, partners, ex etc are willing to communicate, I think the forum would not have exit the first place? But have you considered for a moment that FAs who are here are here for their own healing and not to provide you with guidance on someone they don't know? I think if you read back through the section...you will find some patterns and insights. Obviously you want to respect this guy...so perhaps if the FA posters are not answering your questions...you could be curtious to them as well. |
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2018 16:47:25 GMT
Want to point out that NOT communicating *is* communicating something... 
It takes time for all of us to let it sink in, so good luck with your journey to a better place. Really hope that you both will reach a place of peace.
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Post by mistakes on May 30, 2018 16:52:39 GMT
Just wishing the best for all relationships, that’s all. And thanks everyone to share and wanting each other’s to be happy~
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2018 17:04:47 GMT
Just wishing the best for all relationships, that’s all. And thanks everyone to share and wanting each other’s to be happy~ Oh come hang out with us and moan and groan and be happy! 
Every time I lapse, when I'm plotting and up to no good, etc. I come here to vent. There is always someone awesome who will tolerate my cranky rattling, too damn nice to put me in my place.
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Post by ocarina on May 30, 2018 17:18:31 GMT
Going back a few posts.... for me at least, "being there" would mean a single conversation where I was clear and honest that I was willing and able to be present if needed - and leave it at that.
What feels caring and compassionate to one person may well be perceived as overbearing by another - it is respectful to offer compassionate help - and also to allow the other person silence if that is their choice.
It's tempting to swing into the mindset that we know best - especially when we are aware of attachment theory etc but in reality this is subjective and if I am honest, a little disrespectful.
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Post by mistakes on May 30, 2018 17:20:18 GMT
Actually, how would a... comfortable reciprocal relationship looks like to FAs?
This time, I’m not asking for my case only. Well, my ex is a first FA that I encountered, and it’s just sad that by the time we realised, we cost a relationship that we care about.
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Post by ocarina on May 30, 2018 17:33:02 GMT
Actually, how would a... comfortable reciprocal relationship looks like to FAs? This time, I’m not asking for my case only. Well, my ex is a first FA that I encountered, and it’s just sad that by the time we realised, we cost a relationship that we care about. I think the point is that an FA can't have a comfortable reciprocal arrangement in a relationship - that's pretty inherent within the definition. It may be possible to keep up the guise for a while in the early days but down the line without really examining the roots of the attachment issues, it's darn near impossible in the long term. Knowing about attachment types may seem like the key to solving the problem - but the reality is really that you, as the experiencer on the end of the behaviour will not be helped by knowing why - it will still hurt, begin to foster resentment and it won't make the other person change for any length of time. It is absolutely possible to both care about a relationship - but care on either or both sides won't make it work. The pattern will continue to play out for as long as the underlying beliefs remain and tackling these is very much a personal issue. There's a dangerous illusion that if only we had known the outcome would have been different - perhaps some of the time if we'd known, we could have left sooner rather than staying in a situation that scars us. I speak as an FA who has unwittingly hurt past partners - and as someone who's been hurt in this kind of relationship myself. |
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2018 17:44:32 GMT
Actually, how would a... comfortable reciprocal relationship looks like to FAs? This time, I’m not asking for my case only. Well, my ex is a first FA that I encountered, and it’s just sad that by the time we realised, we cost a relationship that we care about. I don't know about others but I prefer companionable silence than to listen to mindless chatter. I find small talk extremely painful - I really need to have a highly intelligent, wise or insightful person to talk to. I have a friend whom I suspect has NPD/Histrionic Personally Disorder and I cannot take the constant drama - she talks non-stop about herself and what goes on in her life. I don't understand why she isn't interested in other things, anything outside of herself? I need to grasp meaning, so I like getting that from good content, books, good films, art, etc. I'm also INTP, so yeah, I go out, I don't look like an introvert but I am one. One of my cherished motto : Never miss a great opportunity to STFU. Ok, better heed my own advice.  |
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Post by mrob on May 30, 2018 21:49:22 GMT
Actually, how would a... comfortable reciprocal relationship looks like to FAs? This time, I’m not asking for my case only. Well, my ex is a first FA that I encountered, and it’s just sad that by the time we realised, we cost a relationship that we care about. I think the point is that an FA can't have a comfortable reciprocal arrangement in a relationship - that's pretty inherent within the definition. It may be possible to keep up the guise for a while in the early days but down the line without really examining the roots of the attachment issues, it's darn near impossible in the long term. Knowing about attachment types may seem like the key to solving the problem - but the reality is really that you, as the experiencer on the end of the behaviour will not be helped by knowing why - it will still hurt, begin to foster resentment and it won't make the other person change for any length of time. It is absolutely possible to both care about a relationship - but care on either or both sides won't make it work. The pattern will continue to play out for as long as the underlying beliefs remain and tackling these is very much a personal issue. There's a dangerous illusion that if only we had known the outcome would have been different - perhaps some of the time if we'd known, we could have left sooner rather than staying in a situation that scars us. I speak as an FA who has unwittingly hurt past partners - and as someone who's been hurt in this kind of relationship myself. My experience as well. Once I’ve been activated, it doesn’t seem to matter what I know, off goes the head and on goes the cabbage. Sigh. I scare easily, but leave me alone, do your thing and I will come back. |
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2018 22:25:03 GMT
Doh! So many caveats I need to clarify - I DO TALK to my partners and friends. I just don't like to chatter about Kim Kadashians, nail polish colors/eyelash weaving or how the director of my friend's company is insufferable because she wants her staff to adopt a positive attitude as my friend thinks everyone is entitled to their attitude and I don't even know this director, or a particularly b*tchy colleague of hers who gave her the "evil eye", to watch her change 20 outfits so she can be sure which is the best outfit to meet her date for the first time, and the obviously made-up handsome date who picked her up in a jaguar and took her to his chateau in the forest which has two towers, and who is crazy about her,but of course she didn't like, ..etc., etc. I don't chatter much but I end up the one being chattered to, and it is tiring to pay attention for hours on stuff that do not interest me and do not even matter in the bigger picture to the other. It's a tiny bit similar to the adult, classier version of Little Britain's Vicky Pollard. I get TIRED listening to this type of chatter that don't matter, that don't make a difference in the end. I much prefer to be there if the other person really needs my company for an important occasion, to have a nice tea together, to listen to music, to share a meaningful conversation, to be pensive strolling together, to enjoy a nice moment together, to go laughing and dancing crazy, to eat fantastic food or cook together, with either friends, family or partners. It isn't just me being there to meet the needs of the other, but the little time together is well spent in each other's company, BOTH enjoying it. Beyond that, I need my own alone time to recharge, to do the things I want and like to do, to enjoy a long bath, to read a book, to listen to music, to draw, etc. I don't know if that makes me avoidant, but I don't want to be with a partner or anyone 24/7. It's also why hanging out with other avoidants is a lot more straightforward, a lot less stressful. I don't have to explain myself all the time to be understood.
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