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Post by nottheonion on May 29, 2018 21:06:42 GMT
mistakes why would you wanna give love to someone who doesn’t know how to appreciate it? Why??
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Post by mistakes on May 30, 2018 12:09:48 GMT
mistakes why would you wanna give love to someone who doesn’t know how to appreciate it? Why?? Am I misunderstanding what the FAs friends are sharing from this forum? If some people is harder to love naturally, they still deserve to be loved and respect the way they are, not measured by how much they satisfy my wants, when I’ll doing ok to live a fulfilling life independently on them. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 30, 2018 12:42:05 GMT
mistakes why would you wanna give love to someone who doesn’t know how to appreciate it? Why?? Am I misunderstanding what the FAs friends are sharing from this forum? If some people is harder to love naturally, they still deserve to be loved and respect the way they are, not measured by how much they satisfy my wants, when I’ll doing ok to live a fulfilling life independently on them. It is a question of "motive"...and also....the fact is that everyone desires to be seen , to be loved, to be cherished, to have someone believe in them consistently. It sounds like you want to be there for him...which is admirable...but perhaps you are doing too much. You can be there for someone and still acknowledge that they need to meet you half way. Maybe you need to back off of trying so hard for a bit. |
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Post by mrob on May 30, 2018 12:47:37 GMT
mistakes why would you wanna give love to someone who doesn’t know how to appreciate it? Why?? Am I misunderstanding what the FAs friends are sharing from this forum? If some people is harder to love naturally, they still deserve to be loved and respect the way they are, not measured by how much they satisfy my wants, when I’ll doing ok to live a fulfilling life independently on them. Exactly this. I want someone to have a fulfilling life independently of me. |
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Post by ocarina on May 30, 2018 14:26:43 GMT
Am I misunderstanding what the FAs friends are sharing from this forum? If some people is harder to love naturally, they still deserve to be loved and respect the way they are, not measured by how much they satisfy my wants, when I’ll doing ok to live a fulfilling life independently on them. Exactly this. I want someone to have a fulfilling life independently of me. Isn't this what everyone wants - the balance between a fulfilling independent life and a satisfying mutual connection. Good point Mistakes - very often it seems that the partner posting here wants to know how to behave in a loving way only in order to evoke the response they desire ie to be loved, to have their own needs satisfied. That's not love or compassion - it's veiled manipulation. Not pointing any fingers here, I know I have been guilty. If you can love yourself first and foremost - in other words not plant yourself in a situation where you're being emotionally abused - (unintentionally) or damaging yourself then giving unconditional love is surely what we all aspire to? |
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2018 14:53:00 GMT
Exactly this. I want someone to have a fulfilling life independently of me. Isn't this what everyone wants - the balance between a fulfilling independent life and a satisfying mutual connection. Good point Mistakes - very often it seems that the partner posting here wants to know how to behave in a loving way only in order to evoke the response they desire ie to be loved, to have their own needs satisfied. That's not love or compassion - it's veiled manipulation. Not pointing any fingers here, I know I have been guilty. If you can love yourself first and foremost - in other words not plant yourself in a situation where you're being emotionally abused - (unintentionally) or damaging yourself then giving unconditional love is surely what we all aspire to? So true! To try to manipulate the other partner isn't love for the other, but to fulfill the needs of oneself.
There is a lot of projection onto the other person, who may or may not have avoidant attachment issues. It is as if if a "diagnosis" can be made of the ex, and therefore a "cure" can be found, the ex can be cured to love oneself again. It is seriously trampling on the other person's boundaries, and a serious dysfunctional way of approaching a relationship if the goal is to respect one's partner, it ought to lead to self-searching instead.
I can't deny I wish I have a magic wand to turn my exDA from a twice a month boyfriend to a twice a week boyfriend though,  , but that's pushing on a string, therefore not "manipulable".
In the end, I just accept it isn't going to happen, no matter if he is DA or perhaps he is just not that into me, and I'm letting out steam here, hoping to forget this man soonest!
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Post by mistakes on May 30, 2018 14:57:19 GMT
Am I misunderstanding what the FAs friends are sharing from this forum? If some people is harder to love naturally, they still deserve to be loved and respect the way they are, not measured by how much they satisfy my wants, when I’ll doing ok to live a fulfilling life independently on them. It is a question of "motive"...and also....the fact is that everyone desires to be seen , to be loved, to be cherished, to have someone believe in them consistently. It sounds like you want to be there for him...which is admirable...but perhaps you are doing too much. You can be there for someone and still acknowledge that they need to meet you half way. Maybe you need to back off of trying so hard for a bit. I hear you, back off. But what does it mean to back off from an non-initiative person, sorry I still don’t get it 🙈 |
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Post by mistakes on May 30, 2018 14:57:33 GMT
Am I misunderstanding what the FAs friends are sharing from this forum? If some people is harder to love naturally, they still deserve to be loved and respect the way they are, not measured by how much they satisfy my wants, when I’ll doing ok to live a fulfilling life independently on them. It is a question of "motive"...and also....the fact is that everyone desires to be seen , to be loved, to be cherished, to have someone believe in them consistently. It sounds like you want to be there for him...which is admirable...but perhaps you are doing too much. You can be there for someone and still acknowledge that they need to meet you half way. Maybe you need to back off of trying so hard for a bit. I hear you, back off. But what does it mean to back off from an non-initiative person, sorry I still don’t get it 🙈 |
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Post by mistakes on May 30, 2018 15:12:13 GMT
When there is no respond, how to measure the comfortable distance of the other person? Cause “wanting imtamicy yet can’t show it”, already means I can’t measure it out of my level of comfortable? Say, once a week’s sharing regardless if he respond, or once a month?
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2018 15:18:46 GMT
This is the brutal truth, if he wants you, he *will* come to you. If he doesn't feel for you that way anymore then he won't no matter how many doors you knock on.
We can go through 1000 dating guru videos, visit 1000 relationship sites, buy 1000 books, see 1000 psychics/voodoo doctors etc., and he still won't come back. 
Oh man, think about the mountains of profit all of these "gurus" made from lovesick exes... 
One is simply prolonging the agony, unfortunately many people I know like prolonging the agony, refusing to move on. They like being in this same place hoping, hoping and hoping...those around them can see clearly what's wrong but they can't, sadly.
I know it is painful to lose someone we have fallen for, but there is *no way* to get them back if they are done with us.
A miracle can happen and maybe a couple of them in a few thousands do return to their ex, but it is because *they* decide to return, not because of anything their exes may or may not have done.
Of course if one had been a great big a$$hat, eg slept with partner's best friend, threw tantrums needlessly, etc.,  and if the partner is still in love then a change in the deal-breaking behavior and couples therapy may help. That would be obvious though, because he would be texting furiously back and forth about the relationship and not distancing or ghosting himself.
Be kind to yourself, focus on those who do deserve, need and want your attention (eg your good friends who tried so hard to support you), and move on.
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Post by mistakes on May 30, 2018 15:44:41 GMT
This is the brutal truth, if he wants you, he *will* come to you. If he doesn't feel for you that way anymore then he won't no matter how many doors you knock on.
We can go through 1000 dating guru videos, visit 1000 relationship sites, buy 1000 books, see 1000 psychics/voodoo doctors etc., and he still won't come back.
Oh man, think about the mountains of profit all of these "gurus" made from lovesick exes...
One is simply prolonging the agony, unfortunately many people I know like prolonging the agony, refusing to move on. They like being in this same place hoping, hoping and hoping...those around them can see clearly what's wrong but they can't, sadly.
I know it is painful to lose someone we have fallen for, but there is *no way* to get them back if they are done with us.
A miracle can happen and maybe a couple of them in a few thousands do return to their ex, but it is because *they* decide to return, not because of anything their exes may or may not have done.
Of course if one had been a great big a$$hat, eg slept with partner's best friend, threw tantrums needlessly, etc., and if the partner is still in love then a change in the deal-breaking behavior and couples therapy may help. That would be obvious though, because he would be texting furiously back and forth about the relationship and not distancing or ghosting himself.
Be kind to yourself, focus on those who do deserve, need and want your attention (eg your good friends who tried so hard to support you), and move on.
Thank you for trying to save me from drowning in false hope! But I’m not hoping to be in romantic relationships again... and since from some posts, there are suggestions in being initiative, stick around, be consistent or else it would hurt the little trust they have with people. I’m confused then why when I’m trying to learn how to be a friend, the suggestion would become “run and let go”? FYI, he didn’t reply me, and I was only a little disappointed for one minute, and then I made myself happy with life again, not lingering on because of loneliness or grief |
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2018 15:54:40 GMT
I have found out for myself that every time I think of my exDA, or contacted him in some way, I just set myself back from healing and getting over. It is also rather awful because I haven't found a date whom I like as much, so my mind keeps wandering back to him. I also fantasize that he would call me and say "Hey! I'm in town, lets go for a drink?" and I'd try to seduce him back. And then I'd wake up knowing it would at best be back to the old pattern of being a low/minimal-maintenance/breadcrumb "girlfriend".
We also parted as "friends", and I occasionally texted to him when I was in his city to meet as "friends", but who am I kidding? I was hoping that we would get back together with him admitting that he were DA and wanted to change so we could be together forever happily ever after...
This "friends" business is self-delusional, it is our way of sneaking back, and they know it 1000%. They smell it and I don't blame them for running away.
I have enough self-awareness to understand how harmful this idle wandering behavior really is, and each time I simply tell myself "he's never that much into you, he just liked the e-maintenance, to keep you around on his terms, with minimal efforts, it serves his needs this way, you have too much self-respect to settle for this, etc."
It's pretty painful to admit that perhaps I'm not "all that", not to this man anyway...  He told me otherwise of course, that he would move to my city after 6 months if all went well, he came back 3 times after I broke up, etc. so yeah, it's tough, but all of these thoughts are battling for my mind and soul and I know I want "me" to win. If it makes sense. |
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Post by mrob on May 30, 2018 15:57:32 GMT
No need to run, just live your own life! Google “The 180”. It’s not entirely appropriate to this situation, but it is the way to break out of the push/pull, and it will bring you sanity.
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Post by mistakes on May 30, 2018 16:00:08 GMT
I have found out for myself that every time I think of my exDA, or contacted him in some way, I just set myself back from healing and getting over. It is also rather awful because I haven't found a date whom I like as much, so my mind keeps wandering back to him. I also fantasize that he would call me and say "Hey! I'm in town, lets go for a drink?" and I'd try to seduce him back. I have enough self-awareness to understand how harmful this idle wandering behavior really is, and each time I simply tell myself "he's never that much into you, he just liked the e-maintenance, to keep you around on his terms, with minimal efforts, it serves his needs this way, you have too much self-respect to settle for this, etc."
It's pretty painful to admit that perhaps I'm not "all that", not to this man anyway... He told me otherwise of course, that he would move to my city after 6 months if all went well, he came back 3 times after I broke up, etc. so yeah, it's tough, but all of these thoughts are battling for my mind and soul and I know I want "me" to win. If it makes sense. Good on you for recongizing what you need and looking after yourself^^ But I honestly want different thing from you... |
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2018 16:04:38 GMT
Good on you for recongizing what you need and looking after yourself^^ But I honestly want different thing from you... Hmm, are you expecting that some FA/DA here will give you the "magic solution" to get your ex back if you hang around enough? |
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, but that's pushing on a string, therefore not "manipulable".
and if the partner is still in love then a change in the deal-breaking behavior and couples therapy may help. That would be obvious though, because he would be texting furiously back and forth about the relationship and not distancing or ghosting himself.