roatt
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Posts: 1
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Post by roatt on May 1, 2020 22:44:44 GMT
Hello, so I´m a Fearful Avoidant and a Dismisive Avoidant (quite a great combo i got going on there huh?) and I´ve been dating this guy for three months, we´ve been boyfriend and girlfriend for two weeks now.
The thing is, he is super into me, he always shows his love and appretiation for me, and he´s everything I´ve ever thought I wanted in a partner. HOWEVER, I´m deeply, deeply confused about my feelings towards him:
Half of the time, I feel a really strong appretiation and connection to him, I wanna talk to him, see him, be in his life, etc etc etc. All the good stuff.
Buut, the other half of the time, I think about him and I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. Sometimes it´s annoyance, and sometimes it´s this really huge instinct of GET OUT. And, being in the early stages of the relationship, I know that I should feel all of the butterflies and rainbows inside of me, but I feel them half of the time, or maybe even less than that.
I do feel a lot of sexual attraction, and I love talking to him, I just don´t feel the feelings most of the time. I don´t know if fear is blocking them, or if I just don´t love him and that´s it.
He is wonderful, and I don´t wanna hurt him, but we´re pretty commited by now (I´ve met his family and he´s met mine), and I don´t know what to do.
Is it wrong lying sometimes about my feelings, pretending that they are there all the time when they´re not? Is it just fear and all my internal issues that are playing with my brain or is it just that he´s not the right one for me?
I don´t wanna hurt him or start something to just end it, so I don´t know if I should keep going with this relationship or just end everything before it gets more serious
It is horrible to see that he is feeling all this intense emotions, that he really does love me, and I really don´t know how I feel. I don´t know if i love him or if I want a more casual relationship or if its just my avoidant styles talking, so I REALLY need your help
If you´ve gone through something similar or know about the topic I can really use a hand, I want to change my mental patterns, but I don´t know how, and I don´t wanna play games with my boyfriend just to figure it out, but I don´t wanna throw everything away either, because we do have a lot of potencial, I just feel bad for not feeling everything I´m supposed to
Is it gonna be like this forever?
Thank you in advance, I could really use some help
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Post by serenity on May 2, 2020 0:00:26 GMT
If you haven't seen any of Thai Gibson's extremely empathetic videos on youtube yet, I can recommend checking out a few. Here's one about why DA's doubt their feelings in relationships so much: www.youtube.com/watch?v=sknNWY94RRs |
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Post by alexandra on May 2, 2020 1:03:49 GMT
Hi roatt. Yes, if there's nothing specifically wrong that's putting you off as an incompatibility, you in fact quite like him, but you aren't feeling butterflies at all times -- that's almost definitely your attachment style speaking. It's also your expectations of what romantic feelings are. Good romantic relationships are not feeling butterflies, in love, positive perfection about your partner at all times. In fact, 3 months is a VERY short time to be talking about love. It's plenty of time to feel limerence, but that's no basis for a real, longer-term relationship. It's okay not to rush. Boyfriend/girlfriend exclusivity after 3 months is fine: it's simply a commitment to focus on getting to know the partner better without added distractions or complications from dating other partners. You don't need to be all in yet. You're still getting to know each other and gauge compatibility, and also observing if he's consistent and stable as a partner. However, you will continue to feel loss of feeling and doubt without taking it upon yourself to address your avoidant attachment style (which is an independent thing you need to do yourself, for yourself). This is because avoidants have trauma from earlier in their lives that make them fear engulfment, and they evolved a nervous system defense mechanism to deal with: it turns off when you feel overwhelmed. So this "loss" of feelings isn't really a loss. It's true, you can't feel them, but it's not because they're gone. It's because, due to struggles earlier in life, you temporarily disconnect from yourself. It's not conscious, it probably just feels like who you are, but it is actually a pattern and defense mechanism that allowed you to survive as a child that doesn't serve you as an adult. But unfortunately, we don't automatically outgrow our attachment styles when we get older. It takes intentional work, and reprogramming our nervous systems. In addition to watching the videos etc. that other posters here recommend, I suggest learning more about avoidant attachment styles and sharing with your boyfriend that you have one and therefore may sometimes appear aloof and distant, but that it's nothing personal, it's not his fault, and you're working on it. If you've found any good resources by then, share them with him too, so he can learn and be aware of it. Then, if you're in any sort of position where you can find a therapist who is familiar with healing avoidant attachment styles, do it. It's a time consuming process that requires dedication (it took me 2 years of serious work to earn secure, after several years reading a bit about it but not understanding it), but a good therapist can really speed it up. This is for you, not for him. This is to improve the quality and contentment in your own life, but will improve the quality of your romantic relationships as well... good matches will no long make you ask question like, do I love my partner or not? You'll be able to tell because the avoidant attachment is no longer clouding your judgement with unrelated projections from earlier parts of your life, before you even met him. |
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Post by anne12 on May 2, 2020 6:10:57 GMT
You are only 3 months in to the relationship. You have only been seeing eachother for 3 months and you have been boyfriend/girlfriend for only two weeks and you have already met eachothers family ? Do you think that the problem is that you are moving too fast ? It's okay to tell your partner if you can slow down so that your feelings can catch up. How often do you see eachother / talk ? Where from have you got the idea that you should feel all butterflies ect ? (Don't tell yourself "you should") Super into you - do you know your partners attatchment style ? "Super" in what way ? You write that you are confused ? How do you feel the confusion ? (Confusion can be a desorganised trait). Take it easy and try to be patient with yourself and your partner. Getting to know eachother - it takes time. In the generel forum there are different threads about dating and the 7 dating phases, how to regulate depending on what part of your attatchment style is in play at the moment. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1927/dating-tips-attatchment-styles-phasesTheres also a thread about how to create a good relationship and how to have a good conversations about your different attatchmentstyles ect. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2289/tips-create-lasting-juicy-relationshipAnd then there is the healing threads,ect self/co regulating thread ect. How do you know your own attatchment styles ? Have you been to therapy or ? Do you know how to regulate your nerveussystem ? Do you know yourself when you are reacting from your desorganised attatchment pattern and/or from your avoidant attatchment pattern ? I have been tolde that both can be in Play at the same time. Or one of Them. Are you able to feel your body ? (Avoidants can have a tendency to not being able to feel their body from their neck and down) so they can have trouble using the body as a compass. If you've got some desorganised attatchment style you can often times feel some part of your body - but you can't always trust what your body is telling you or you dissociate and collapse and go numb. The urge to suddenly get away/get out of the relationship does it feel like panic / a lot of flight activation in the body ? The shut down of feelings - does it feel like a collapse ? Is it when you are together with your partner you feel the urge to get away ? Or ? And if you "can't get away' do you then go into freeze/collaps ? Ambivalents can also be in doubt (they can feel their body too) I think it is important to know what state you are in and what trait from the different attatchment styles is activated so that you can know how to downregulate/upregulate your nerveussystem/your attatchment system, as there are different techniques that you can use depending where your are coming from. Do you know your partners attatchment style ? You can sit down and talk to your partner - useing the good conversation - and do this: You can invite your partner to talk about how you are each characterized by the 4 attachment patterns Investigate whether it can give rise to new ways of speaking and behaving toward one another - if not a greater and deeper understanding and compassion for each other and each of you. You can suggest to your partner, that you and your partner together take a look at a list of the different traits from each attachment style. Remember it is just an invitation. It's a suggestion - just as if you tell your partner, that you have never tasted lobster and you then suggest, that you and your partner visit a lobster restaurant, so that you can taste lobster together. You can do this when you have been together around two months or longer - when you have kind of agreed on that you want to see where this relationship leads you. Tell your partner which traits you can recognize in yourself and ask your partner if there are any of the traits your partner can recognize in himself/herself. Remember we often have traits from several different attachment styles - also from the secure attachment style. DON'TS: Avoid telling your partner what you think he / she is. Let him / her tell you herself/himself. Don't say: "oh I think you are like this or that", "this trait fits your personality" ect. It's an invitation to talk!!!! NOT an opportunity to "diagnose" your partner. Otherwise, you may cross your partners boundaries and you can come of as being intimidating , controlling ect Some traits: (do not show you partner the healing threads) It can also be a bad idea to ask / tell your partner to take a test. Remember to be gentle. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1188/attatchment-style-decription-relying-thetests |
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Post by anne12 on May 2, 2020 6:26:42 GMT
Read about phase 4, 5 and 6:
The 7. Dating/love phases:
1.
THEME: Are you a potential partner - am I?
PURPOSE:
Contact must be achieved
exchange of information that can lead you to meet
2. PHASE: The initial meeting.
You meet: Speak, flirt, dance etc together (physically, online or by phone). It is here that it can be beneficial to be able to talk about wind and weather, nothing and everything - for while you are skimming and feeling each other out. That is the way we humans examine how chemistry between us is, and whether we want to go further and get to know the other.
THEME: Are you a potential partner - am I?
PURPOSE: Creating a desire to meet again
Normal psychological CHALLENGES:
fear of rejection, anxiety about becoming laught at, fear of intimidation, that the other exceeds one's boundaries, anxiety about hurting the other or even becoming Hurt.
What is good to do - many things, but for example:
Be happy and be yourself. Remember the focus should be on having a couple of good hours together, where you want to meet again be curious and open without telling everything about yourself or demanding that the other do.
Flirt.
3. PHASE:
Investigative, clarifying chemistry meetings (typically 1-5 times)
You meet to find out who the other is. Is he / she interesting to me as a partner? It's a bit more like job interviews, where you both need to find out if you want to get to know each other more. With a little elegance and gentleness, examine where the other is in relation to your dealbreakers.
Do not compromise on the most important dealbreakers, such as having children ect.
THEME:
Are you a potential quality partner- am I? There may be Spring in the air
PURPOSE:
To clarify whether you should continue to get to know each other.
You must both examine at least 10 things:
1. Does He/she turn me on - or can I become turned on later? (Give it at least 3 meetings, though there is no spark if he / she is otherwise interesting to you!) - good to flirt here!
2. Do we have common interests, attitudes, dreams and goals?
3. Do I like him / her?
4. Do I respect him / her and vice versa?
5. Can I count on him / her?
1. Phone calls and sms: women and some men pay close attention to when answers come back and who takes the initiative (often people with the ambivalent / nervous connection form)
2. Agreements, times etc. are observed.
3. What does he / she tell about stability versus clutter and chaos etc?
6. Will he / she add anything to my life? Can I?
7. Does he / she want to fit into my life? Family, children, friends, work, etc. If not, will it be okay for me?
8. Well, this is important if you are not just having fun: Does he / she already have a partner? Ask directly if he / she has a partner. Check out later by asking discreetly and "randomly" what he / she are doing in the holiday, how he / she usually celebrates Christmas or other traditions
9. Has he / she just got out of a relationship? If so be careful. You can easily just become a rebound
10. Does he / she speak negatively about others? Especially the opposite sex? This could Be a sign that he / she easily blames you for things, that do not go as He/she wants. Of course, one can be quite filled with negative emotions and thoughts if one has just been divorced or dropped. Consider carefully whether it is worth your time! Especially if it takes up a lot and if he / she reacts negatively! You can ask: " what do You think was your own tribute"
4. PHASE:
You get to know each other more and are seeing eachother more often (typically first weeks - 3 months)
The crushing phase.
Here you elaborate on the knowledge of each other. The more in love you are, the less you see each other as you really are. You will see each other more as you think (wish) that the other person is. When you are in "love" in this phase, you unconsciously enlarge the positive qualities and sides of your partner and diminish (meaning) or ignore the negative things.
There may be some uncertainty and jealousy, depending on your attatchmentstyle. This can cause dramas and severe emotional reactions.
Some relationships can have small crises or ends here: often at 1 month or at 3 months!
THEME: We are lovers or well on our way to becoming so.
PURPOSE: Get to know each other and each other's worlds.
5. PHASE:
You are lovers (the first year) This love phase may be like the "love" as in phase 4.
For many people, there is more peace in this period, mixed with love. It can be disturbed by the fact that women are typically quick to commit to the relationship, while men are more often slow, namely 1-2 years to commit.
It goes without saying that it easily gives hassle if one expects that you are moving in together and maybe even marry after a few weeks / months after ½ year, while the other is still in the start Up phase!
You introduce each other to family and friends during this period.
Some relationships have small crises or ends after approx. 1 year, where the intense infatuation hormones evaporate for the most part.
THEME: We are lovers. we have fun, we go out and experience the world together!
PURPOSE: Get to know each other's family and friends Getting to know each other and each other's worlds even better Building the relationship
Psychological CHALLENGES:
fear of being abandoned, fear of commitment and resistance closing the back door, anxiety about wasting time (especially for women where the biological clock ticks, even after the menopause)
During this period, it is typically good to see eachother 2-4 times a week.
(The honeymoon phase often lasts from 6 months Up to 2 years)
6. PHASE:
Romantic phase (1 year to 3 -5 years). The love phase, which, however, can be quite like everyday life. The hot love phase (honeymoon phases) is over. The infatuation can still be active. The relationship has become "permanent". (Honeymoon phase 6 months Up to 2 years)
For many, therefore, there is more peace and security during this period. Most have clarified whether they want to live together, and if so, they move in together. Some relationships have crises or end in this period, when the " in love hormones" evaporate.
The Love no longer feeds automatically from the love hormones.
Each partner must make an effort to maintain and preferably build the love.
Some People forgets about building the love, and the break occurs after about 6-7 years.
However, there is also a part that ends about 3 years of in love.
THEME:
We are a couple. Having Children ect. It's the YEAR OF LOVE - we are harvesting and taking care of each other. We are often at home, when we are together.
PURPOSE:
To build and develop relationships and love. To "build nest" and nursery care.
Psychological CHALLENGES:
power struggle, polarization,take each other for granted,stagnation.
If you dream of love and a long-term relationship, then it is already here in the romantic love phase, you and your partner are going to develop love for each other and create some good love routines.
Continue to be open and courious - even if you BELIEVE you know your partner, you don't do it 100%.
He / she does not even know himself… we also change ourselves continuously, develop and complicate ourselves.
Flirt (with each other)! Now it does not necessarily go completely by itself - so it is especially here you have to keep flirting right! One has not to take each other for granted, when the relationship has got the nature of being permanent.
Learn about the love languages you yourself and your partner has - and use them to fill up each other's love tanks. (Gary Chapmann)
Worst thing to do:
Demolition and criticism (It perceives the instinctive part of the brain as hostility. AND it not only breaks down love, respect, and self-esteem, but also the immune system, so you can become easier / more sick, maybe even gain wait. (Source: John Gottman)
Exclude the other to the extreme. (emotions, thoughts, physical touch)
Starve the other and / or yourself in regard of love.
7. PHASE:
Friendly phase (3 -? Years) Everyday life!
THEME:
We are P-A-I-R! It's winter
PURPOSE:
Getting through the power struggle and developing the conscious relationship. Growing a Swan Couple Relationship!
Psychological CHALLENGES:
you focus on comfort rather than development, take each other for granted, power struggle, polarization, stagnation: What you do not care for develops - it is settled!
What is good to do - many things, for example:
To cultivate love and put into the love tank.
To cultivate lots of quality love together
Doing new things together
To repair when you wound or disappoint your partner - and to receive repair from the other!
To support each other in reaching their dreams
AND many, many more things.
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