Post by anne12 on Jun 1, 2019 15:29:42 GMT
Before you date, you can make your own love vision and do some of the other exercises in this thread.
Also know your own dealbreakers.jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1852/prepare-create-future-relationship
In a relationship
Need lots of contact, emotional closeness, sharing, shared experiences, needs to know that they are loved, that they can get their needs met ect. On the other hand: They need some kind of uncertainty in the relationship. (If not they can loose interest and end the relationship)
Need a lot of time by themselves, or sitting in the same room with their partner without engaging, need time on their own and away from their partner, likes a practical relationship without too much emotion and feelings.
Need lots of space and even time alone.
That relationship works conveniently.
They can take a long time to give the relationship meaning.
That it is not too demanding for them emotionally
Needs that things develops slow even if they can move fast themselves,things has to be clear, the respect of boundaries is important too them in relationships. If they are very desorganised they can find it difficult to feel their own and the other persons boundaries. If they are less desorganised they can maybe feel their boundaries but then they can doubt if their boundaries are okay
That there is clarity in the relationship. No ambiguities. Clear communication.However, they may well have problems being clear and direct themselves.Smalll steps
Important boundaries respected and lovingly set.
Dating: You can use dating apps or dating sites. Apps are more for ambivalent and disorganized attatched, as they need and like to move fast while dating sites are better suited to the dismissive. Secures will Often go on dating sites but likes smaller dating sites. They dont use too much time writing.
Get a professional photo taken. Not everyone is equally good at pictures. The picture must be natural. A portrait photo and a full body image are good. We All like different types of bodies. Talk to the photografer so That your personality Will Be shown in the pictures.
Your clothes and makeup.
Wear clothes That You like to wear in your everyday life. And one or two pictures where You are more dressed Up.
Use natural makeup.
Do not use pictures where you wear sunglasses.
Also no pictures where you stand with a glass of beer/vine/a drink or where there is alcohol in the picture.
If you use a selfie picture it must be a really good picture. Otherwise drop selfie pictures on your profile.
Use pictures where people can see your eyes.
As a Woman do not use pictures taken With your kids or With your pets.
No pictures where theres is clutter in the the background, a messy bed, a messy kitchen ect
No pictures where you are driving your car.
No pictures With other People in the photos.
Use pictures in invoriments That You enjoy. Building in the background if You like arcitecture or You like to travel, the ocean in the background ect.
Use two scenarios from your love vision in your dating profile text.
Write your deal-breakers in you profile. m.youtube.com/watch?v=pTFiR0Dms6s&list=PLJMnRLMeMdyabuM88dkqInxjbfs10-oHj&index=20&t=0s
Remember You only have to find one partner.
IT is also important to filter out the wrong ones in your profile text.
Write two times With the other person.
Make one phonecall
Then date irl for 1-2 hours in a public place.
If you are on the dating app and there is a profile and there is something that makes you hesitate:
We unknowingly know something about each other from a picture alone.
Listen to your intuition. If you listen to your intuition, you know if the person is a go or a no go.
The problem may be your attachment pattern that spans your intuition
Can doubt anything. Perhaps the ambivalents impulse is a NO go or a yes. But then they will often confuse themselves. Thinking: On one side and on the other side ....
May overhearing a go, as they have almost given up in advance.
Have difficulty marking their boundaries and can therefore date a person who exceeds their limits
It can be good to follow your first impulse as ambivalent. You can land the nervous system within.
As disorganized, it may be good to land your nervous system and then ask one of your friends about what they think.
Post by anne12 on Jun 1, 2019 16:07:34 GMT
Where to find your future partner:
The securely attatched:
However, not in extreme situations, as they do not need an adrenaline kick like bungee jumping, extreme sports ect.
They also often do not have very nerdy positions in their worklife or studies.
ex.within IT, research ect.
They can give You a smile on the street and give eye contact, when they walk past you on the street.
But often Loves places with people. They can Shop often at the beginning of the month and enjoys themselves when shopping. They frequently goes to cafes, to concerts, likes to be social. They often keep animals - dogs, horses, cats. They are often occupied by people and therefore often work in the caregiving structure or study something with people.
Everywhere But They often love to engage in something, where they can be nerdy. Hobbies, studies, jobs etc.
Associations where they can talk about their interests.
They do not shop to enjoy themselves. They just go out to buy clothes and then they go home afterwards. However, they like to go out but with others they already know.
They are reserved to others.
They often love nature, like running or mountain biking. Some also like animals.
Available in risk positions ex. divers, emergency ambulance driver ect.. They often like extreme sports and they can stay at risky spots in the city at nighttime, where people are getting drunk ect
When you meet in public, you can chat.
You can comment on the weather
You can ask - do you come here often
I think, that I have seen you somewhere before
Some people likes to keep talking at this level. Give them some time, be precent and patient.
Post by anne12 on Jun 1, 2019 17:14:27 GMT
When the body cheats on you:
This is not relevant to the dismissive, as they have shut down to feel the body, and therefore the body can not cheat on them.
They can have problems with eyecontact
They are often leaning back
In connection with dating or due to lack of dating, they may feel uneasiness, stomach ache, tense breathing, heartbeat and other stress symptoms. It can be old things from the past that interferes with the present. They can ex. find 5 faults with the other person and can doubt if they want the other person or if the other person wants them.
They are often leaning forward and they often seak eyecontact
They can also get a positive dopamine rush and get positive body sensations feeling euforic, up in the clouds that is a kind of mania.
The ambivalent can try to do the water tank exercise, go for a walk, move their body to regulate
. It's a bad idea for the ambivalent to ask their date to help Them to land their nervous system in the dating phase.
They can make some bad decisions and misinterpret the situation, when they are not regulated.
They can feel their Body But Can not always feel the body, if they are dissociated. They can therefore overhear warning signals. They can have boundless confidence because they are dissociated.
They may experience panic and anxiety symptoms in the body. This does not always mean, that they are with the wrong person. It may be the old story from the past.
They can be in high arousel when they date. They can react with a shut down and suddenly end the relationship if their date is looking at someone else, saying something they do not like ect. Shut down can feel like hopelessness. This is also connected to shame.
They can both have too much eyecontact or get overwhelmed by eyecontact
They can use breathing attention, the water tank exercise, the orientation exercise ect. to get into the now.
Post by anne12 on Jun 7, 2019 15:49:06 GMT
Things That you or the other person will not or can not compromise on, as theese things sooner or later will end the relationship.
The things that are there or the things taht are not there, that can end the relationship.
If You compromise on your dealbreakers, IT Will drain your lifeenergy and IT Will close your Heart.
Kids/No kids/more kids
Living in the city or out in the country/in the nature
Flirting/ sex with other people
Addiction - Alcohol, food, workaholic, drugs
Getting Needs met, such as physical contact, sex, closeness intimacy, ect
Selfharm how to take care of the body ex. stress, working out, alcohol ect.
How to find out:
Say "something that can make me end a relationship is ...."
Look out for red flags
If You start to get a crush on the other person, then you can become blind to your dealbreakers.
If you are a woman ask some of your male friends to meet your new partner. If you are a male, you can ask some of your female friends.
You can put your dealbreakers into Arthur Arons 36 dating questions: amorebeautifulquestion.com/36-questions/star
Post by anne12 on Jun 9, 2019 9:17:39 GMT
When dating honestly state what you want.
Where are you in life?
children, housing, career, travel, pension, other?
What do you want with your dating?
Have fun, sex, starting a family, , for adventure, travel ect
What do you want with a partner? Have fun, sex, coziness, , want fairytale, because of economy, practical reasons, build a nest, showoff, or ?
Write IT down. And tell the person You are dating what You are Looking for - You do not know, what the other person wants, But You can state what You want and see.how the other person reacts
Dating a man - how old is he ? Is he willing or able to provide ?m.youtube.com/watch?v=pTFiR0Dms6s&list=PLJMnRLMeMdyabuM88dkqInxjbfs10-oHj&index=20&t=0s
Post by anne12 on Jun 10, 2019 14:32:10 GMT
Relationship-skils are affected by:
The woman's unconscious relationship skills and satisfaction:
The woman's relationship with her mother (this is expecially important)
The woman's relationship with her father
- in the upbringing and later in life.
The woman's parents' relationship when she was a child.
Secure: the patents relationship has been okay
Desorganised: there was a Lot of drama between the parents. A Lot of fear, angst ect.
Dismissive: the parents relationship was more practical - the parents dident show much emotions toeards eachother
Ambivalent: the parents relationship was with feelings, affection, they could have been arguing a lot
The Man's unconscious relationship's abilities and satisfaction:
The Man's relationship with his father (important)
The woman's relationship with her mother. (the new partners)
The woman's parents' relationship (the new partners)
According to Mark Wolynn the man's relationship to his mother is also very important.
Children learn from their parents how to Be in a relationship with another adult. (The parents could Be loving toward the child)
When You are dating a man you can ask about the his relationship with his dad. If his father is dead, You can ask about their relationship before his father died. What did they use to do together, what did talk about, were they close or distant ect.?jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1643/type-father-mother-grown-ect
What type of woman would make a good partner?
Here’s the bottom line: Look for a woman who genuinely adores her mother. If she has remained trusting and vulnerable to her mother’s love, if she delights in receiving her mother’s tenderness and care, she will receive similarly from you. Your relationship will also be strengthened if her mother and father—whether they stayed together or not—demonstrated care and respect for one another. Now let’s turn the tables.
What type of man would make a good partner?
Here’s the bottom line: Look for a man who reveres his father. If he credits his father for being his role model, guiding him through life’s challenges, you are in good hands. A man who admires his father wants to emulate what he admires most in him. Choose a man who feels loved and supported by both parents, yet sees himself as being a bit more aligned with his father. If he was his mother’s emotional partner, and was distant with his father, don’t expect an easy road ahead.
If he attempted to satisfy his mother’s unmet needs and supply her with what she felt she couldn’t get from her husband, look out. This man is likely to have difficulty appreciating your needs. Fearing that you will want too much from him, the way his mother did, he is likely to put his guard up by shutting down physically or emotionally when he feels he’s getting too close to you.
Our partner’s relationship with his or her parents can be a trusted indicator of how frustrating or fulfilling our relationship can be. If there’s one takeaway, it would be this:
A solid bond with the same-sexed parent can be insurance that your relationship will endure.
With this principle as your guiding light, you now hold an essential piece of the relationship puzzle and can be more prepared when it’s time to pick your life partner.www.elephantjournal.com/2013/08/relationship-intelligence-the-key-to-picking-a-life-partner-mark-wolynn/
Post by anne12 on Jun 15, 2019 16:34:56 GMT
Has the other person had short or long term relationships in the past?
Who ended the persons last relationship?
- If it is the person you are dating, who ended it, you can relax more.
If it was the other one who ended the relationship, it can both be good and bad. Time will show.
How long time ago is it ?
- It usually takes about 2 years and get over a fairly good relationship.
If the person has been with a psychopath, a narcissist or a borderliner, it may take longer. If it is only 2 months since the other came out of a relationship, it may be less easy at the beginning. But some may not endure being alone, so they quickly enter into a new relationship.
If less than two years have passed since the other came out of a relationship, it may present some challenges in the beginning.
The ambivalent and the desorganised can go into a new relationship quickly after they ended their last relationship.
The avoidant is not in a hurry.
The secure is more relaxed and often use a little time to Be alone, after they ended a relationship and before they enter a new relationship.
Post by anne12 on Jun 15, 2019 21:35:50 GMT
If you want to find a masculine leaning man, then turn up your feminine energy on a date;
- honor your feminine side
- 1) Sensuality
- 2) Softness- compassion, your heart
- 3) Surrender- let go
- make sure you get into your feminine energy before a date - do something pleasurable before your date
- use transition time getting from work mode to dating mode
- value and honor the feminine in you
- make a dating vision and describe how it feels in your body (felt sence) to be in your feminine energy. Be clear how you want to feel.
- get into your true feminine
- do the yin breath - breathing in through your mouth with your mouth open with your teath closhed like if you are eating a soda icecream and breath all the Way Down into your vigina (Layla Martin)
- turn up the feminine and align with the moon cycle
- make an alter to the beloved and light a candle every night
- dance before the date - slow sexy movements
- go on a sencory walk in nature
- get down into your body
- take a luxury bath, and put on essential oils
- wear clothes that makes you feel comftable in but still makes you feel feminine
- lean back instead of leaning forward on your date, observe, listen
- dont compete, dont lead the dating scenario, dont emasculate the man, dont turn up as a different version of yourself than the version of yourself you want to be in a relationship
- open your body, your heart, your energy
- dont lead the conversation, dont ask as if you are having an interwiev
- accept pauses (regulate)
- see if if he is able to lead the conversation
- see if he will make an effort to come to see you, no way go to him, but recieve him
- let him come to see you - getting him to come close to you - make an option so that it is easy for him to come to YOU.
Make it where it is easy to meet him.
- the masculine is about providing
- if you turn up as masculine there will be no room for him to be masculine
- a masculine man likes to be able to provide for you
- wait and let him pay
- if his masculine your feminine will be valuable to him
- you are valuable as a women to just radiate with your feminine pressence
- talk on the phone before your date
- keep the date on max. 1-2 hours
- the masculine leads direction and the feminine leads depth and intimacy
- the feminine is not totally passive but she can tell what it is that she wants
- you can ask him what part of a woman he likes the most
Post by anne12 on Jun 22, 2019 11:45:44 GMT
Being able to flirt lies in the instinctive part of the brain. People in the secure attachment can flirt without problems. Flirt is the life energy that is in flow. You can both flirt with men and women without it has to mean anything serious.. The flirting is in the reflexes and in the instincts. Something is hereditary and something is cultural.
Instincts control us and are beyond the conscious part. If you have chock-trauma or develemental trauma, the connections between the instinctive level and the cognitive part of the brain are shorter.
Being able to flirt is something we are Born with.
When we feel safe in ourselves and with the other person and we have a regulated nerveus system IT is natural to flirt.
Flirt and reproduction sits in the reptile brain. If we are in survival mode fight or flight, threre is no room for flirt and reproduction, (and love).
Flirting is just a maybe
Some People flirt without looking for a partner.
Rita Hayworth as Gilda - www.youtube.com/watch?v=nA2AsJ_GneI
You can use the watertank exercise when flirting or push exercises to land your nerveussystem. Also coming into secure exercise.
Good Places to flirt:
On the dancefloor. A man who can lead is sexy.
At the bar
Teambuilding courses with work
Fitnesscenter, runningclubs ect.
Not so good Places to flirt:
Be carefull at workplases - You can loose your job
Be who You are when You flirt.
Give yourself the chance to Get into the now. You can say to the butterflies in your stomac: okay You are allowed to Be here right now.
Is there a place in Your Body with calmness ?
Use an orienting exercise ect.
Other People can smell.when You are in panic mode.
Begin with small talk.
You can think of sentences You can use if You Get nerveus and You Get into freeze.
Remember your tone of voise and your Body language is important. Keep eyecontact But not for to Long.
If You are interested lean into the other person. You can also mirror the other persons bodylanguage. Use an open bodylanguage.
If not interested lean back. Use a closed bodylanguage. (But This could Be inserestng for the ambivalent.)
Look at the other persons feet ?
You can give compliments.
Listen, Be attuned, put your phone down.
Remember flirt is playfull. Do not Imagine wedding, Children ect when You flirt
To find out whether or not the other person is single: ask what are You gonig to do in your holliday, over Christmas.
Do not overshare.
People with a secure connection form flirt with whom they want to be a partner with.
The ambivalent: flirts with many people, very lively ect.
or do not flirt because they are uncertain of themselves.
May be out of timing. They use their heads to flirt with. They often have to think.
Can move too fast or let the other move too fast. They have difficulties with boundaries They can be very flirtatious or more quiet because of shame.
Some are promiscuous.
The masculine is 1-2 years to commit. The feminine 1-2 months to commit.
If You are a Woman in a hurry, because You want kids, You can give IT a 5 month deadline. Let your date meet some of your male friends.
You can also ask your date to Make a lovevision so That You can compare IT with your own lovevision.
Use kind eyes exersice before You datem.youtube.com/watch?v=leVxB1l5NiYwww.amazon.co.uk/Flirtology-Jean-Smith/dp/0593079418/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_product_top?ie=UTF8#immersive-view_1561527299695m.youtube.com/watch?v=5cQoGNEcc5Q
Post by anne12 on Jun 22, 2019 14:30:45 GMT
Purpose: To.have a good time.m.youtube.com/watch?v=jHuuj6QsTgU
Do not sit down and drink cofee, But move.
Do something where you move on your first date.
go to the zoo, a park, by the sea, Be creative, paint, make Music, drag, Horse back riding, climbing, kayaking, vine tasting (do not Get drunk), sushi course, choclate cource, rollerblade, gocart, flyboard, kitesurfing, watersking, dance class, bike ridning, . Visit an amusement park.
Remember the feminine and the masculine dance. It may be the man who pays on the 1st date.
Remember, as a woman, you owe nothing to the man, even if he pays.jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1376/work-femininity-masculinityjebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1376/womens-feminine-masculine-energy-menstraution
Do not sit facing eachother It gives space to look away from time to time.
Lead as a man, open the door, be a gentleman, take care of your date, its the smal things that counts. Make her feel speciel. Listen, ask questions, do not look at your phone.
Remember to be in your feminine energy as a woman. Be playfull, sensuel, be happy and recieve with grace. Be authentic. Be clear and precise about what you like and what you do not like.
Do not talk about your dealbreakers on the first date,
Do not complain about your exes, your boss, your parents ect,
Do not talk about your exes.
Let someone take care of your children when you are on a date.
Do not talk about your childhood,
Do not have sex
Do not get drunk - no winetasting ect.
Who is going to pay - wait as a women and see if he offers to pay the bill. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2799/working-feminine-masculine-energy-man
The secure: is present, is himself.
Butterflies, over in the other person, may find fault with the other
Speaks a lot and quickly and can be hectic and on. Laughs a lot.
Not talking but asking and listening and being the one they think the other wants Them to be.
Land your nervous system, use your body and get your focus home to yourself and make you feel comfortable and happy. Use selfregulation exercises and
Dance, sing before a date etc.
Think of a couple you know where love is allowed to develop.
Land the nervous system during your date.
Relax and enjoy your date.
Find 5 things that you appreciate by the other person and think of 5 things you value by yourself.
Remember you are an adult and drop your projects.
Having trouble being relaxed. Can talk about their own interests / work / politics.
Remember it's not about being interesting.
Use Friendly eyes exercise - before You date
Use Welcome to the world exercise - before You date
Write some good questions you can ask the other person on your date:
What makes you happy, which movie do you like and why, what do you like about your work ect.
Use the here and now exercise on your date.
Anxiety in the body, in the stomach, in the limbs ect.
Or they do not notice anything in their body because they are dissociated.
They may have problems with boundaries
They can ask very personal questions or can share very personal things.
Can touch the other.
Often arriving late - they lost their keys, did not reach the train ect.
Regulate the nervous system with water tank exercise, push exercise, Get into the now exercise.
Can think that they themselves should be perfect or that the other should be perfect
On a date:
Go slowly forward
How can you learn to Get to know the other one before you get more involved
Use the water tank exercise, the breathing exercise, here and now exercise.
Remember to be in your feminine energy as a woman. Be playfull, sensuel, be happy and recieve with grace. Be authentic. Be clear and precise about what you like and what you do not like.
You can imagine that a safe person is standing beside you as a support. Or you can imagine a good friend, your grandmother or other people you have experienced as beeing supportive to you. If no people, you can use an animal instead.
"Water tank" exercise can help you to regulate your nerveus system and your anxeity, helps you not to get overwhelmed, helps you to get flow in your body and to become precent. You can start practice right now. You can use it (the short version) at the date. Remember to wickle your toes/feet and move your fingers. The energy has to go down and out of your body. Other people will not be able to notise. If you can´t feel your body, you can tap your arms and legs.
You can make a boundarie with your body, you can gently push one foot/leg out while sitting down, while feeling your sitting bones, legs and feet. Then the other foot. (it´s like the movement babys do with their legs, that helps them to get out of the birth canal). Do this until your system relaxes. Maybe one of your legs/feet will shake/you can feel tingeling, heat, expansion in your body ect. Again you can do this while sitting at the toilet.
Before you go on the date, you can also push your arms and hands out in front of you. (maybe saying NO at the same time) Then to the side. Remember slow motion movements. Do it as many times as you like.
Remember it's not about life or death. You are an adult. You decide your limits yourself.
Take small steps
Post by anne12 on Jun 22, 2019 16:43:07 GMT
After 1st date:
How big is the interest?
Will typically be concerned if the other is interested in seeing Them again. Or can think of everything that was wrong with the other person.
Will often forget about the date and not be particularly concerned about the other after the 1st date. They can suddenly remember to call their date within 3-10 Days after the First date.
The disorganized can think in black and white, either / or
They can be spontaneous and quick to respond regardless of whether it is no thanks or yes thank you to meet again.
They often do not have much patience about the development of things.
They can have a hard time when things are unresolved and not clear
If they are interested they will typically go all in
Remember:If You feel repulsed, after the date, IT is a No go.
Sit on a chair. Breathe in and breathe out slowly 3 times.
Think of the first date.. How was the mood ect..
How are the sensations in the body:
cold, heat, heaviness, ease, tingeling ect.
Notice what mood you are in?
Check out the exercise Meeting your future partner - the lovejourney , feel which sensations are the same as in the Meeting your future partner.
How much matches your feelings with your partner
from your "partner" from Meeting your future partner love
Journey exercise ?
Check out your love vision and your dealbreakers.
Land the nervous system with the water tank exercise and enter a semi-meditative state.
Notice your sensations in the body. And notice your breathing. Return to your attention with your breathing.
Imagine your date coming into your love vision.
How does it feel to wake up in the morning? Can you Support each other and meet each other's needs, going together to concerts ect. Compare with Whatever You have written in your lovevision.
Notice the feelings and sensations in your body, when you think you are doing these things with your date.
Feel if it's a yes or a no.
These exercises can tell if you need to move on with this person or not.
Does it make sense that this person can match into your love vision?
Dealbreakers - is there a part of you That thinks about the other matching your dealbreakers
In the old part of the brain is your love's template. That can recreate the old feelings and moods from your childhood.
Who should decide - head or body?
Use all 3 parts. Be aware of alarm bells.
You can't always count on the emotions and the body (the instinktive level). The love template is in the old part of the brain. It's the one that gets you attracted to someone who represents the moods, enviroment ect. of your childhood.
IT is important to do exercises 1 and 2. Find out how interested you are in the other person?
Why are you interested in the other?
Why not ?
Why gets you up in the cognitive part of the brain.
The ambivalent often uses the emotions and the instinctive part of the brain. Therefore, it is good for them to use the cognitive part of the brain.
Your ambivalence can make you doubt. You can find 5 errors with the other person ("omg, he is wearing socks in his sandals", "he is a little too fat", "he/she talks too much" ect.)
If in doubt, give it a try. Date the other person 4-5 times.
The person does not fit into your dealbreakers or into your love vision.
Or if your body reacts with disgust.
As ambivalent You are in doubt if the other one wants you. If the other doesn't really want you, you can become more interested in the other as an ambivalent.
Remember to ask yourself: What do I want.
Remember to be good and loving to yourself.
If the other has ambivalent attatchmentstyle:
Calling, sending sms with smileys, seems a little needy, is in victim role. They can Be VERY feminine and Sometimes they are creative. When the other person is ambivalent, the person can switch between wanting or not wanting/ being interested/not being interested..
Rest in yourself so That You do not Get too affected by the other person.
To attract the ambivalent: Don't be so accessible. But if thats not who You are, remember to be you. Remember you are valuable and lovable just as you are!
Maybe you have never been in love or you have only been in love once or twice. Therefore, you cannot use the in love template as a landmark.
As a starting point, you must date the other person 4-5 times.
Except if the other one does not fit into your dealbreakers or not fits in to your love vision. You can do that with your cognitive part of the brain, that you are so good at using
When you date: text more often, get better at replying, use smileys, get in touch with the other more often than what feels natural to you.
If the other is dismissive: Then you Will get short texts, often no smileys, slow to answer or don't answer at all.
Don't expect much presence and contact. But you can expect intellectual and philosophical talks. If you have common interests, you will be able to get lots of inspiration as the dismissive often likes to nerd with their interessets. They can be more masculine than feminine in their way of being. Give time and space.
If you are ambivalent, be extra patient. The dismissive answer briefly and factually, but may still be interested in getting to know you!
You may experience discomfort and anxiety in the body after 1 date. It may be anxiety.
Or You may not feel anything at all and that is because you are dissociated.
You are typically attracted to a person who can restore childhood insecurity and drama.
It can be difficult to rely on the body's signals.
Regulate your nervous system: use the water tank exercise, into the now exercise.
Ask a friend to look at the other personsdatingprofile. Ask and Be aware if there is any overdog / underdog dynamics.
If the other has disorganized:
You may already have heard of unpredictable events, drama stories and the like. They can share too much information about themselves.
They can Be VERY facinating to Be With. Creative and feminine.
They may be late for your date.
They can interrupt themselves in sentences. Especially when they talk about the past.
They can use black and white, either / or thinking.
You can go into an adventure with Them with lots of intensity, making
love all the time, you spend a Lot of time together, are having fun, can move in together fast.
Be prepared that you do not know what is going to happen. The
relationship can end abruptly.
Be clear about your boundaries. Say clearly no and clearly yes.
Be clear, use short sentences. Rest in yourself.
.Look at the examble with the dog Valdemar with desorganised trauma. Remember the desorganised likes
in control. So in the dating fase try to let the desorganised take the initiative.
Remember to focus on being loving to yourself when you date.
Post by anne12 on Jun 23, 2019 6:47:51 GMT
How to Work with Rejection:jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1925/work-rejection-4-attatchment-styles
The psychological mechanism with a rejection. You feel uncomfortable: You feel anxiety in the body, pain in the chest, pain in the heart, you get hot, you get reddish cheeks ect. The sympathetic nervous system is activated.
When we compare ourselves with the best of others, we Will lose each time. (Byron Katie)
Remember: One who rejects you acts on his own and the person's own story and the person's own attachment pattern.
Your own interpretation of the rejection creates what happens inside you. If you feel the rejection is uncomfortable, it is something about yourself, that you do not want to be with, a subpersonality.
You're going to reject all of yourself. You think "I'm not worth anything" and you discard yourself.
Ask yourself: What is it about myself I don't want to be with / that I do not like about myself?
You can use the paradoxical change method: Ex. if You think You have got and ugly nose: "Okay nose, it's ok you look like you do". If resistance, then allow the resistance to be there.
Many People projects what they do not like about themselves and their own uncertainty on their physical body.
Ask yourself: What characteristic of me is IT, that I think others do not like about me?.
Use Tools to get into the now.
Exercise of the respiratory attention.
Water Tank Exercise
Healing the frozen child
Healing of a broken ❤️
In the precent you do not discard yourself
Stand by yourself. Don't discard yourself.
Imagine and say: "Well, this is horrible but I Will be okay".
Love yourself and set yourself and set the other person free. Accept that this is what the other person chooses. Remember that you do not know what's going on in the other person.
Remember in the dating environment there are many burnt children.
Sometimes You can Consider whether to take a new change with the same person later.
Does the one you have rejected continue to show interest in you? Then maybe you should go out with the person again.
Remember that we humans should be allowed to say "NO" more than once. Salesmen and kids knows about this. Consider whether it is good for you to rehearse and try again.
The securely attatched:
Does not reject himself. You do not feel rejected and do not take it personally. They think about what happened and think that another time I will do it differently
Is known for feeling rejected. Thinks it is their own fault and takes it personally. The ambivalent looks for signs that they Will Be rejected.
They are particularly sensitive to those reminiscent of a rejection even if it is not a rejection at all. Their radar runs all the time.
"What If the other says no", "what if the other pulls away".
It is stressful for the nervous system. They discard themselves and they can also quickly discard others. Some may also find 10 things that are wrong with the the other person .
The ambivalent can use the paradoxical change method. And remember that what the other one does or does not do, has nothing to do with themselves. It has something to do with the other's preferences. When they date, they can quickly say no, as they can also be afraid of hurting themselves or others. The ambivalent has high expectations in love and when they date. They can crie, when they are getting rejected But not as intence as the desorganised.
Has no expectations and therefore often has no trigger with being rejected.
They can explode, yell at the other, use namecalling, collapse into tears and reject themselves completely. They may want to disappear. There is a lot of shame. They are either or. The other is either their friend or their enemy. There is a Lot of survival energy in their nervous system. Much fight / flight reactions. They can collapse, become very despaired by a rejection and they can give up and want to disappear / feel that they just want to die.
Repair Tutorial rejection:
If you get upset, overwhelmed by the exercise, then you can look around, say a loud sound, sing, move the body, make grimaces with the face. This activates the ventral part of the vagus nerve.
Think of a rejection recently, far back, or a rejection from your childhood. On a scale from 0-10 use a rejection that feels like 6 or 7 on the scale.
Sit on a chair. Feel that the chair carries your weight. Feel the sit bones, legs, feet, toes. Move your toes. Feel the shoulders, arms, hands. Move your shoulders. Look at your hands and move your fingers.
Imagine the rejection and imagine what resources were missing at the time. Bring in the ressources, so you didn't feel rejected or the other didn't reject you at the time it happend. In order to get into the moment in the situation - imagine an animal, a person ect. (From the coming into secure exercise)
Notice the senses in the body. Tensions, lurking, turmoil, champagne bubbles ect.
If it is impossible for the other to be able to love you in this exercise, you can imagine someone else coming in, who will like you and love you instead.
Feel that you feel loved and that there is someone else who will love you.
Imagine there is another person who reaches out for you and welcomes you.
Allow whatever in the body that feels comfortable to be there and let it spread without you forcing it to spread.
Use the paracdoxal change method if necessary. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1128/accepting-paradoxial-change-method
Post by anne12 on Jun 23, 2019 20:20:44 GMT
If You are not interested:
Text or call as Soon as You know.
Write: "Hi xxx. Thank You for taking the time to meet in person. Unfortinality I am not interested in takling IT any further. Good Lyck finding a partner"
Then the. Other person dosent have to think about if the person wants to spend more time and energy on you.
Be polite. Always Get back when People have spend time with You. Do not gost.
If you are interested after 1st date:
Send a text message:
"Hi xxx, I really enjoyed your company and I am looking forward to getting to know you better."
Make it short, No questions but come up with a statement. The other can't say no to a statement.
When you make a statement, the other one cannot reject you. Then you do not feel rejected if the other is not interested.
If the other does not respond quickly, it may be difficult for the ambivalent or disorganized to wait.
Give IT time. At least one week. There can be many reasons why the other one does not respond immediately.
If there is no answer after 1 week, close the contact. Write or call:
"Since I haven't heard from you, I expect you are not interested in meeting again. Good luck finding a partner."
Otherwide the energy is hanging in the air.
Then you get the energy back to you.
Then the other can also return to you if the person has a good reason for not responding ealier.
Even if you are a woman, you can send a message, as it is just a statement.
If you are ambivalent, only send the message, if you can wait up to a week before getting and answar back. The ambivalent can have a pattern to reash out, reach out and reach out again and again to get back in contact. From the time you sent a message, your nervous system may be activated until you receive a message back. This also applies if you have disorganized affiliation . so Be aware of this.