Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 13, 2018 21:13:12 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Mar 28, 2019 17:26:07 GMT
How can the avoidant help themselves to come out of deactivation/dessociation:
They tend to distract themselves when they feel stressed and overwhelmed with activities that promote disconnection from others by:
Surfing the internet
Playing computer games
Watching tv
Reading books
Meditating
Sit in their own favorite chair away from you in the livingroom
stay in the garage
Ect
Instead they can try to Focus on
physical embodiment and emotional presense.
Instead of choosing to zone out, they can try to Engage with others and to connect with Them.
Because This can be challeging in the beginning, they can make concious decisions about when to do so and with whom until IT feels natural.
Try simply to ask for something you need. (something to drink, getting someone to help you around the house ect) or sharing a story about your Day.
Also practise joint attention. Choose something that Will include the other person in the activity and in your experience as IT unfolds.
Ex. Dining out, hiking, going for a scenic drive, visiting a museum ect.
Do the best to connect to your partner or Friend.
Hang in there Long enough, to find out how such a thing can actually nurich you.
Eyecontact:
As the avoidant can feel shame looking into other peoples eyes and by getting an eyegaze back (they often look at other peoples nose, teeth or chin without even Knowing IT themselves) they can try to Practise to look into their partners/other peoples eyes and then look away and then look back again, trying to do this without getting overwhelmed.
If IT is too difficult, they can start with a hug belly to belly.
The avoidant often gets owerwhelmed and gets impatiant when other people talks too much or shares too many details.
You can as an avoidant practise sharing more of your own personal stories with a few more details and try if you can find any emotional nuances.
Try to listen with more attention, precence and patience when other people share. Even if IT feels unnatural you can try IT out. Sharing This way is one of the foundations of a satisfying relationship.
Gesture:
Also try if you can greet and welcome others. Leaning into others for support,. give an eyegaze, reaching out for hugs
Needs:
Practise expressing your needs. Basic human needs are natural in All relationships. And you and others are allowed to express Them. Maybe you do not even know what your own needs are. Try to Write Them down and ask your partner, Friend ect to meet one of your needs.
Also try to FEEL if you are hungry ect. when your partner asks you. As a da you can have a tendency to look at your watch to find out what time it is, to find out if you are hungry or not.
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Apr 7, 2019 16:57:22 GMT
Some avoidants can have lots of friends - but IT is often in a superficial way, intellectuel, around hobbies, with colleges, workrelated, intellectuel ect., but not in an emotional way.
They can be physicially present, but their mind can suddenly wonder off, when you are talking to Them.
In work environments where there is a framework, the avoidant can function well. If there is a respetion or other out-of-context relationship, they may have difficulty functioning and not knowing what to say or where to go.
The same thing in school - they can work well in class but less well in the open space.
They can forget to stay in contact with friends, family or a partner ect.
Tips:
As an avoidant, you can make a list with your friends names and phonenumbers and put the list on the fridge to be able to remember, who you can reach out to. You can also put Up pictures around your house, with your friends and family members or put pictures of your loved ones in your smartphone.
If the avoidant texts or call, they can ask how are things with your new job, did you bye a new car ect., but they do not ask about how you are/how you are feeling ect.
The energy in their body goes up from their body and up in the head. This can give Them tension around the head and can give them a headace.
Because they can find IT difficult feeling their body, sometimes they can ignore (serious) injuries from doing sports ect.
When will the avoidant often show up in therapy:
If the person is very avoidant and his attatchment is not combined with some secure/ambivalent/desorganised attatchmentstyle, they wont go to therapy. They do not have a need for that, and they often do not feel any need to be in a relationship.
If not totally avoidant, the person can show Up in therapy with their partner, when the partner is about to leave them or already have left Them.
Maybe their partner have tried to reach out to Them to tell Them many, many times to take care of something in the relationship and to be precent and to show Up in the relationship, but they have maybe just said "Yes, yes I Will look at IT"! and Then just "forgot" about IT or just ignored you.
They can also show Up in therapy if their partner have given Them a VERY good reason, that they were able to understand.
Many therapists do not take Them into therapy, if it is the partner who had arranged IT, as the avoidant not really wants to be in therapy by their own free Will
As a therapist IT can be a good thing to ask Them, what they want to get out of the therapy, because of their logic thinking - "what can I get out of this".
Pendulation (SE):
A gentle pendulation between the head and the Body can be good, as they can have trouble feeling their Body. They have closed off, so that they can not feel their anxiety and their feelings.
Why should the avoidant feel their body - because the secure attatchment sits in the Body.
How to help them feel - the therapist should help them to feel their sensations, - where in the Body and what kind of sensations?
An avoidant once complaind to his therapist, because the therapist helped him to feel his Body again, and Then his doctor told him to quit running, because he had been running around with injuries for many years without being able to feel IT.
Because they have closed off feeling, they can also have low selfworth without even Knowing This. Selfesteem and selfworth is not the same thing.
The avoidant can be in contact without really being there.
Can people move from one attatcmentstyle into avoidant attatchmentstyle:
The ambivalent can move from ambivalent into avoidant attatchmentstyle. If the ambivalent have tried to reach out many times for a friend or a partner, and then they have finally resigned. From friends or partners. If in love life, IT can be from their last relationship. If there have been too much pain or too much tension in the nerveussystem.
Why should the avoidant feel their body - because the secure attatchment sits in the Body.
How to help them feel - the therapist should help them to feel their sensations, - where in the Body and what kind of sensations?
An avoidant once complaind to his therapist, because the therapist helped him to feel his Body again, and Then his doctor told him to quit running, because he had been running around with injuries for many years without being able to feel IT.
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Apr 7, 2019 19:25:10 GMT
The Main state/feeling for the avoidant: Anxiety (am I going to survive ?)
They do not feel this, because they have closed off from feeling from their neck and down.
If you tell them, that you are feeling some anxiety, they can tell you to just put yourself together and get over it.
Their life can feel like kind of the same every day, because they dont get the UPS and downs by feeling their emotions.
They can seem calm and collected at examenes, boardmeetings ect.
Money:
The avoidants are good at saving money, they often do not spoil themselves or their partner, for some da s their fridge can be almost empty sometimes. They can think of food as a way to be able to stay alive, not to sence and enjoy life.
More about therapy:
When the avoidant starts to come out of their numbness, they can use the watertank exercise, so that they do not get overwhelmed.
Healing in relationships starts when each person can hold their resourses in one hand and their pain in the other hand.
The avoidant have to see/be explained about the purpurce talking about feelings.
IT is Better, if you can talk to the avoidant in pictures. They are usually good at visualising things.
Bodylanguage;
The avoidants bodylanguage is often stiff, they do not have much facecical expression, they do not use much articulation with their hands ect., they seem calm and collected on the outside.
(Sometimes You can confuse Them With a secure person)
They have closed off from feeling from their neck down
How to tell if an avoidant also can have desorganised attatchment style:
The avoidant can stay in contact/stay at the same place because they have soned out. They are there without REALLY being there.
Vs.
If the person has got some desorganised attatchment/trauma, they can stay in contact, But Then they have to move away physicially when the contact is getting too overwhelming for Them.
|
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Apr 7, 2019 22:13:41 GMT
The Main feeling for the avoidant: Anxiety (am I'm going to survive ?) The avoidant are good at savning money, they often do not spoil themselves or their partner, their fridge can be almost empty sometimes. When the avoidant starts to come out of their numbness, they can use the watertank exercise, so that they do not get overwhelmed. Healing in relationships starts when each person can hold their resourses in one hand and their pain in the other hand. The avoidant have to see the purpurce talking about feelings. IT is Better, if you can talk to the avoidant in pictures. They are usually good at visualising things. The avoidants bodylanguage is often stiff, they do not have much facecical expression, they do not use much articulation with their hands ect., they seem calm and collected on the outside. - When I read this thread I feel overwhelmed at how hard it must be for a dismissive avoidant to open up and trust. It gives me empathy, but at the same time I feel helpless when in my DA’s presence because he seems unreachable. In a supportive role, should I encourage getting take-out, walks, sharing activities etc or let him set the pace and just encourage him to express his needs? It seems some advice above can go either way. Currently, he’s only safe with physical touch. He enjoys massages although he always protests “You know you don’t have to do that.” He loves it though so I do it. He told me once I have no idea how “messed up he is” or how “unhappy he is” - reading this thread gives me a very sober glimpse into his and all avoidants’ struggles with intimacy. |
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Apr 8, 2019 11:21:28 GMT
faithopeloveSorry, but I am not in a position to answer that. Maybe you can ask yourself, why you think that he wants your help and why you have the need to help him. Be carefull that you are not overstepping his boundaries.
|
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Apr 8, 2019 20:30:55 GMT
faithopeloveSorry, but I am not in a position to answer that. Maybe you can ask yourself, why you think that he wants your help and why you have the need to help him. Be carefull that you are not overstepping his boundaries. - No, I’m not suggesting I help him. He can only make the choice to help himself. I’m thinking of all the potential pitfalls with a DA and deactivating and how to best interact. I don’t think he wants my help- we’ve had that conversation and that’s clear. I’m certain he doesn’t want my help or anyone’s at this point. However, since we are still in a relationship, even a casual one, I’d rather not set off his triggers. |
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Apr 9, 2019 14:52:49 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on May 18, 2019 18:01:16 GMT
The crushing phase/dating:
Some avoidents dont feel the crush. They can be slow at Falling in Love.
Maybe they skip the crushing pface and go direct to the loving phace, which is like the First 1-4 years of a relationship.
IT is recomended that the avoidant dates the same person for at least 5 times.
There could be a market for slow dating.
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on May 19, 2019 10:21:24 GMT
The avoidant and money:
(The AP likes to spend money. They often want to enjoy life.
They like to make a nice dinner and spoil their guests at home or to spoil their partner, they like to "spoil" others. Sometimes they can forget to use money on themselves.)
The avoidant likes to save money, they do not like to share, they can be affraid that they Will loose their safety and money. On a date they can forget to offer you a drink, a café latte, to pay for the dinner out ect. They can do This even if they have a Lot of money.
If they already own a house, they often do not want you to Invest and bye maybe 20% of the house when you are moving in together
(Vs. The desorganised can loose their money easely, they can Get their wallet stolen ect. They are in survivel mode and they can therefore have trouble Looking ahead and plan their future econemy. Like the ap they want to enjoy life)
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on May 21, 2019 9:15:59 GMT
Purpose of dating/relationship:
More about the avoidant and the purpose of dating/having a relationship:
On the unconscious level they think of a relationship in practical terms:
It is more beneficial when we are two people racing our kids, IT is easier to Get sex, we can save more energy/ money when we are a household of two grownups participating and sharing the chores ect.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 21, 2019 16:30:24 GMT
More about the avoidant and the purpose of dating/having a relationship: On the unconscious level they think of a relationship in practical terms: It is more beneficial when we are two people racing our kids, IT is easier to Get sex, we can save more energy/ money when we are a household of two grownups participating and sharing the chores ect. This is very accurate, and for me it's always been a very reasonable approach. Even as I've become emotionally available I STILL find myself defining a relationship in practical terms to myself as If I have to justify why it's ok for me now. Also, as I have deepened my spiritual life the strongest practical reason in my reformed dismissive mind ( 😁 ) Is: "This relationship provides a dynamo in which to grow spiritually and become a better person with more to offer the world and those around me. " "In this relationship I can actualize my higher potential as a caring human being with the opportunity to ever increase my capacity for compassion, and I can be a good companion for my partner to do the same (I am attracted to partners who live with a spiritual ambition). Well, it works and feels beautiful to me 😂 |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 21, 2019 16:50:53 GMT
But this isn't cold, it sounds cold but it is not at all. There is an abundance of tender feeling behind it. It's as though I have to justify a practical reason to engage before I give myself permission to love with my whole heart. But I do love with my whole heart and it's very vulnerable .
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on May 21, 2019 17:31:27 GMT
@sherry you can try to make the exercises from creating your future relationship.
As an avoidant IT is recommended to try to describe your vision decribing what kind of feelings you want to experience and your needs in a relationship.
I know, that you are not a Cold person!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 21, 2019 17:54:31 GMT
@sherry you can try to make the exercises from creating your future relationship. As an avoidant IT is recommended to try to describe your vision decribing what kind of feelings you want to experience and your needs in a relationship. I know, that you are not a Cold person! Thank you anne!  Igave thought about it, and I have discussed it with my friend-ex. That may sound funny, but if we did not have issues unrelated to attachment that caused us to change track and the type of relationship we have, I am sure we would be together. He deals with a very challenging medical diagnosis and it takes so much of his resources that he has nothing left. Also I have teenagers and as a single mother I want to prioritize them first because of the tremendous challenges they face and the losses they have suffered because of the abandonment by their father. So really, my ideal relationship waits until my children are independent and not in the period of life when they face so much. They are healthy and happy and I want to see them through the toughest years without having also to show up for a full relationship, I don't feel I could do that well. My ideal relationship looks pretty much like the friendship I enjoy now, with more time together and sexual intimacy. But I am content for now to experience the emotional support I have from it, which is the most meaningful aspect to me. Along with the growth aspect. There is a chance that the medical diagnosis will become less of an obstacle or none. But we don't consider our relationship as dependent on that, we accept it as it is now, without needing to change or advance it. Does this seem understandable? It does to me, and someone told me "Do not weigh what you have against what everybody else has, everybody needs something different" and it felt supportive. I don't feel that I am hiding from relationship as I used to, as I continually show up genuinely and with availability in this friendship which takes the place of a romance (for now. I cannot say what my future will bring, I am at a loss to imagine) but is still emotionally intimate and so meaningful. I feel an abundance with it rather than scarcity, although of course it is not my first choice for what it could be between us. I know other couples near me who are the same and have chosen at their life stage to forego romance for practical consistent support. What do you think? |
|
