Healing avoidant (DA) attatchmentstyle

Camuflaged desorgnised attatchmentstyle:

The dismissive pattern can be a camouflaged disorganized pattern (fa leaning da)
Or it may be a camouflaged ambivalent pattern - (fa leaning ap)
 
The ambivalent who have resigned / given up. It's easier for them to seek therapy.

A very avoidantly attatched person can sometimes seek therapy when they loose an important RELATIONSHIP that was important to them or when they are loosing an important job 

STOP interpreting other people, based on who you are 🧐
The difference between an ambivelent and an avoidant attatched diary 🤔😂
(originally a woman's and a man's diary)

AMBIVALENT (her) diary:
I think my husband is behaving strangely tonight. We have planned to meet at a restaurant for dinner.
I was out shopping with my girlfriends all day, so I thought he was mad, because I was a little late, but he did not say anything about it.
We did not really talk to each other. I suggested we go to a restaurant, that was a little quieter, so that we could talk better together. He accepted, but still did not say much. I asked him what was wrong. He just replied, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault, that he was angry. He said, that he was not angry, and that it had nothing to do with me, and that I should not worry.
On the way home, I told him I loved him. He smiled and continued driving. I can not explain his behavior, and I do not understand why he did not say, "I love you too".
When we got home, I felt like I had lost him, that he did not wanted anything to do with me anymore. He just sat and watched TV. He continued to be absent. In the end, I decided to go to bed, because we did not talk together after all. After about 15 minutes, he also went to bed, but I could still feel that he was absent and that his thoughts were in a completely different place. He fell asleep and I cried. I do not know what to do. I'm almost sure his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

AVOIDANT (his) diary:
My motorcycle will not start - I simply can not figure out why.

Comments:

Her feelings are characterized by the fact that she experiences his introversion and interprets it as if he does not want HER - what happens to him is probably that he thinks about how he can solve the problem with his motorcycle and he is therefore not accessible.
This is not durable , as in loving in the long run in their relationship but thats another talk

They both contribute to the "dance".
She could - instead of asking him what's wrong - tell him, that she gets upset / insecure when he is that silent. AND that she would like to hea,r about what concerns him, even if it has nothing to do with her, or is not something she can do anything about, or he thinks it will bore her ...

Its often the abmivalent who has to start the conversation, as the avoident dosent notise the disconnection between them 

Understand the goal - of becoming emotionally secuce:

As an avoidant dismissive attatched you may experience: “Why feel negative emotions - it just gives problems? Let me just wait for them to go away while I think about something else. ”

Figuratively speaking, this is equivalent to smoke rising from a house. But you look away because: “what if it burns? Then it would not be so nice. " Sometimes the fire in the house goes out by itself. But other times the fire spreads and the house is damaged.

Examples.

- your partner repeatedly sends signals that you are absent, but you overhear it. Only when your partner leaves you do you recognize the seriousness and the loss.
- your child says: "Father, why are you angry?" But you answer: “I'm not angry. It is you who exaggerates. I just want you to do what I ask you to do. ”Only when your child does not want to see you, develops anxiety or has persistent conflicts with you, do you understand that something has gone wrong.
- your employee or colleague says over and over again: "I need to reconcile." But you think, "It can not be that important," you overhear the need and focus on your own goals. Later the consequence hits when you do not reach a deadline.
- you are dissatisfied with your job, but overlook the need to find a new one. Only when your body is in serious stress, do you react - and it takes a long time for you to recover afterwards.

IMPORTANT POINT: REMEMBER THAT SOME PROBLEMS DO NOT just GO AWAY.

Conversely, when you understand, reflect and solve emotional problems, anxiety is turned into security and effective problem solving

Get in touch with sensations in your body:

Notice how you experience unrest, for example:

heaviness in the chest
the murmur in the stomach
the pressure in the temples.

Notice how you experience peace and joy, for example:

lightness in the body.
heat in the stomach.
tingling in arms and legs.

Practice connecting your thoughts, words and actions with body sensations.

This is how you can gradually feel better: “What is my gut feeling? Am I doing the right thing right now? “Gradually, regular attention to sensing the body will give you better contact with yourself when you have to make choices. And you will gain a deeper understanding of yourself and others.

Practical tip - daily exercise:

First feel a pleasant body sensation and dwell on it.
Then feel an unpleasant body sensation.
Finally, turn your attention back to the pleasant sensation in the body.

You build your inner strength to feel and accommodate discomfort,
You counteract repression - and become less likely to push unpleasant sensations away.
You build inner freedom and self-control: the experience that you do not have to 'get stuck' in the discomfort, even if you are aware of it.
The exercise will contribute to more inner peace and help you on the way to developing a secure attachment style.

Control the urge to shut yourself off when you are having a hard time:

If you are having a hard time because you are disappointed, hurt, or stressed, you may tend to quickly judge others negatively. For example:

- “If this is how you want it, fine. I just keep to myself. I do not need you."

Doing so for a shorter or longer period of time creates unrest, stress and distance in your relationships with others. Practice communicating your emotions in a more direct, conscious and competent way. For example:

- “I thought we were going to have a nice evening. But then you come home and start criticizing me. I feel misunderstood and treated unfairly. Im qourious -What about you, what do you experience? ”

GOING INTO AN OPEN AND RESPECTFUL DIALOGUE ABOUT DIFFICULT FEELINGS, REQUIRES SINCERITY  and ALSO THESE SKILLS:

- that you can feel sensations in your body and are aware of your own emotional life.
- that you do not automatically assume that you are right and that your partner is wrong.
- that you may experience your partner / the person you are having a conversation with as equal (if not, you will typically be met with hostility because the partner/the other person finds it uncomfortable to be interpreted as less than).

If you find it difficult to communicate competently and problem-solvingly about emotions, you can benefit from practicing several of the previous tips and exercises.

Practice giving and receiving support - instead of expecting you and others to do everything by yourself/themselves:


Giving and receiving support will activate the areas of the brain that are related to positive social contact. You can e.g. train these brain areas by:

- listening to someone else who is having a hard time
- even express vulnerable feelings
- give and receive understanding and support

Important point: research shows that being able to give and receive help is a sign of strength and mental health.

Go against the tendency to interpret yourself or others as ‘weak’ by receiving support. Different areas of the brain become active by:

Feeling sorry for: the one who provides support feels better, stronger and ‘more worthy’ than the one who receives support.

Compassion: the one who provides support feels connected and equal to the one who receives support.
Do not see yourself and others through the lens of pity. Look at yourself and others with compassion.

Bump!