Healing avoidant (DA) attatchmentstyle

anne another real thing here is that when I briefly considered dating recently (it's why I came to the forum! 😂) I soon realized that I cannot participate in that as would be needed for a full and balanced relationship. I could not be emotionally available as would be healthy for a partner, with time and sex as well. I was open about all those thought processes with my ex too, and he was supportive of whatever I needed to do it discover.)
What I found ultimately is that I can't bear to lose him in the capacity I have him (which I think would not be fair to a new relationship with someone) , I also cannot bear to take myself from him because I make him happy also.

So that's been good enough, we decided. It may be unusual but that is where it is.

❤️
I know I can't change my whole makeup but I think I am pretty secure and I keep growing. Plus I am content. 

Question from an avoidant to an atttchment/SE/lovecoach:

"I have some challenges in my love life. I long for presence and to feel open and comfortable with a man. At the same time, it causes anxiety to get close to others, why I pull myself away. So this is my dilemma.
In several areas of my life, I gradually thrive quite well. Have work as well as friends, but yes, I miss the cohesion with a partner. Missing a place, where I can feel completely at home and just be myself and share big and small.
I have developed a lot through many years of therapy, and thus experienced trust, care, peace of mind from the therapist, which was a new experience for me when I started therapy as 26 years old. I am now 38 years old.
Right now, a creeping guilt and shame at my "lack of desire," making it hard to "get out of" the knot I feel it is to be in these conflicting feelings, in terms of engaging in a close and intimate relationship with a partner.
I have had a single short relationship as a 25 year old who lasted only 3-4 months.
My childhood and family - well my immediate answer is that I have somehow felt safe as a child. But I believe / know, that I have not felt so much in contact with my parents (or myself). So I have not shared so many feelings with them, but "managed it myself".

You write quotes: "I have experienced trust, care, peace of mind from the therapist, which was new experience for me". These words indicate that childhood in different degrees and forms has been characterized by insecurity, lack of presence and loneliness. I'm also aware that you are writing "I have not shared so many feelings with my parents, but" managed it myself ".
Your anxiety about presence and coherence with a partner makes sence.
Explanation follows…
Such anxiety and insecurity arise:
As children, we are completely defenseless, vulnerable and deeply dependent on our parents. When a child is early in life, experiencing rejection and lack of presence, it will trigger stress and anxiety in the little body. As a defense against not feeling the pain, the anxiety is disconnected and the body shuts off the feeling. It is not something the child decides to do - it happens completely automatically. Anxiety has not disappeared - but "hidden far away". The consequence is that important life energy is used not to be in contact with emotions that have hurt. The sad consequence is that one also loses contact and belief in oneself.

I can manage myself:

When the child's need for contact and emotional care is not met, the child eventually abandons and decides to cope. The anxiety does not disappear, but is not felt any more. Judging from the outside, an dismissive child looks very calm. It can play alone, do homework, eat alone, etc. But the fact is, that the child is extremely stressed and uses tons of energy not to show it.

Personality traits from all four attachment patterns:
It is very important that you understand - that the evasive trait is only one part of your personality. Your foundation is built on a nice portion of safe connection. But, you also have behavioral traits from the other two unsafe forms of attachment.

Explanation: The ambivalent always longs for… but when the opportunity arises, you lose interest and begin to look for something new. The disorganized associate also longs for presence, but is frightened in the contact and withdraws. The dismissive makes a half-hearted attempt, and decides that close relationships are not important.
Exaggeration promotes understanding! All reactions occur in different degrees and depend on your history, mood and situation.

The three unsafe attachment patterns consist of ancient beliefs, habits and patterns. They are created on the basis of a mix of experiences and events that are associated with something negative and painful. All good experiences with others create trust and positive expectations for life and for others. When you are with safe, balanced and loving people, you develop more of the safe form of attachment yourself.

"When we are governed by the unsafe patterns, it is the past that governs us. This means that we become blind to all the good - the good that happens just infront of our eyes. We focus on the negative rather than the positive. It may be that you are talking to a sweet and loving man. He flirts, signals that you are sweet and georgious - but you don't notice it! Because - the fears of the past created through past experience guides you. I know it's easy to say But difficult to practice. You need to take control of the fear. You must turn up your light and beam like the beautiful soul you are. Love is waiting for you.

The way forward
The strongest feeling always wins
You describe that the longing for presence creates a conflicting sense of anxiety. It is so that the strongest feeling always wins. It is only in the body that you can feel joy, sorrow, enthusiasm, anger, feel yourself, feel love, etc. The way forward to presence is that you quietly recreate the contact with your body and the emotions that were once hidden away. You're probably thinking ... "Oh no, I don't want that." And I understand so well. The thing is just that as long as you dodge the fear you also escape the love and all the good that comes with it.

Therefore, you must:
Get out of your comfort zone
Be more brave
Look your fears in the eyes
Do something new

There is no other way. There are no easy solutions or shortcuts.
But, it's not that bad either.
There is so much you can do for yourself.

How to get there:

Start training yourself in making contact. Start small. Start smiling at people in the street. Greet the postman or a colleague you don't usually talk to. Small talk with the lady, who walks with her dog or a parent with a cute baby in pram. Be creative. See options. Jump into it. You have nothing to lose. Practice, practice. Feel the energy rise.

Why small talk?
For the elusive, small talk can be a difficult discipline. You don't really know what to talk about. Will feel stupid. The uncertainty turns out (the old fear of rejection is triggered) and one withdraws. Therefore, it is good to practice on random people.
The truth is that small talk is REALLY IMPORTANT! It is a brilliant way to notice whether the person you are talking to is interesting, attractive, has qualities you like, etc., etc.

INFO: It is safe to show "the other" interest. You show through the conversation that "You are important". I want to hear about your day, your life, how you are doing. That part was not so much experienced in childhood. Therefore, small talk can be experienced as an unpleasant feeling.
If you feel uneasy or resistant, try to stay a little longer in the contact than you normally do. Tell yourself. This will be fun. Immerse yourself in the person you are talking to. Remember you are an adult now.

If you really, really don't think it's interesting. Then you have to "fake it until you make it"! With that I mean ... give it a try, stay on, suddenly you feel a change ... have 'patience. Imagine that you get 10.000 $ - every time you show interest in others, give yourself something. Make it a fun competition ... how much can you earn a day?
Don't take things so heavily or yourself too seriously. Let down your hair. What do you have to lose?

You say: ... Right now you notice a stupid guilt (responsibility) and shame about my "lack of desire" for a partner, which makes it hard to "get out of" the knot I feel it is to be in these conflicting feelings, to enter into in a close and intimate relationship with a partner.

Breathe:

The "knot" is a sign of trapped trauma and it must be loosened before you can breathe freely. Breathing deeply and freely gives you access to your deep feelings. Conscious breathing is the fastest way to get in touch with your body and soul.
Sit at least three minutes and breathe quietly. Please sit for 5-10 min. Do it every day. If you do not remember it during the day, do so when you are in your bed. Through the breathing you give the "knot", loving attention and care - and that will make your heart slowly open to love.

Why are we ashamed?

Shame comes from the fear that others do not like us. We are pack people and depend on others. Therefore, we are ashamed if we are rejected and rejected by the community. Shame lies deep inside us and expresses itself in our relationships. When we are ashamed, we have the feeling of being 'wrong' - when we feel guilty, we have a bad conscience over something, we have said or done wrong. Shame: "I'm wrong." Blame, "I've done or said something wrong."

Reflection:
How do you hide behind the shame and guilt feeling? Are you for example perfectionist and over-controlling?
What are you doing to keep the shame away? In other words. How do you restore balance in your interior when you become shy, angry, or embarrassed? Perfectionism is typically an unconscious way of correcting the feeling of not feeling good enough. When we hover, humiliate or speak ugly about others, it is a way (unconscious) to correct the inferiority feeling.

Shame is something we struggle with alone because we believe that everyone else is perfect. When we feel a risk of rejection - we do everything to prevent it. Instead of feeling the unpleasant sense of loneliness, we ignore it. We deceive the pain, either by trying to get away from it (dodging) or by denying it. It is a way to protect yourself. The only way shame can be dissolved is to bring it to light. Stand by it and give the painful feelings acceptance and love.

Reflect on the following:
Is it wrong to be single and 38 years old?
Am I wrong because I don't have a partner?
Am I wrong because presence scares med ?

Exercise - accept negative emotions:

A good and effective way to get rid of negative emotions is to allow them to be there. It's about getting rid of the fight that you have to be or feel in a certain way. It will release energy and make you feel better. Negative thoughts can only change, if you accept them wholeheartedly. When you stand by yourself and realize that you are perfect because you are you, you release the inferiority and you get more in power and flow.

Therefore, you must:
Accept your lack of desire to have a partner! Feel it, feel it, be with it. Speak directly to the disaster and say to it: "Lack of desire you are allowed to be here right now!". By saying "right now," you only commit that disaster are allowed to be here at this moment - not the rest of your life.
Acceptance provides relief and removes your defense - Acceptance is a form of mental eraser that erases the shame. The acceptance heals and drops the shame because you stand by yourself 100%.

Then:

Show the world who you really are.
Look around. Be aware of the world around you. Get More Participating. Lift the veil. Stand by yourself. Tell your friends, that you would like to have a partner. Tell them about your fear of presence. Be open and show your vulnerability.

If you have some good friends. Couples who are really good together, use them as your mentor couple.
What is a mentor couple?
It is a couple where both are predominantly secure attached. They show respect for each other. They speak respectfully to each other. They also talk nicely about the partner when they are not together. They are helpful and caring to each other. And something very important - they make you relax in their company. Use them as your rolemodel. Ask them what they value with each other. What are they doing that you also want to experience? And as you deserve to get.

Strengthen your secure attachment:

What we focus on, we attract more of. One method of strengthening the secure attachment is to focus on the stable, safe and sustained relationships - that have been and already are in your life right now. By focusing on what works, you give your self-esteem the opportunity to grow. Also think of things that you take for granted, your good health, girlfriends, your home, work, etc. Tell your friends how much they mean to you. Show your colleagues that you value them. Show joy and gratitude.

Anxiety is the absence of trust:
No matter what kind of anxiety you are suffering from, anxiety is the absence of trust, and thus the absence of love. When we are anxious, or scared, the only thing we need is security. We become anxious when we as children feel abandoned and rejected. Anxiety is also a sign that we have left ourselves. And so it does really hurt, when you do not believe in yourself, trust in yourself, in your intuition and in your feelings.

Your inner child must have lots of love:

Dear you. I can really understand that, as a little child, you lost confidence and faith in presence and security. Likewise, I also understand the pain and loneliness feeling that the little you then experienced. I fully understand why it is difficult for you to reach out for presence and love today.
The young child needs presence. Give your inner child lots of love!

My advice to you is:
Look at the little girl with loving and caring eyes. She must be hugely lovable. You must tell her that you are the adult and that you take care of her. Give her the love and security she didn't get back then.
Security and self-love will make the little girl feel smaller and your adult women can step forward in her own loving light.

Back to the starting point:
Start taking chances. Lower the bar. Nobody's perfect. Be realistic. You are not perfect, but you are GOOD ENOUGH and it is perfect. Relax and enjoy life. You only have this one chance at least on this earth.

You need help with that:
When presence triggers anxiety, it is often that the disorganized attachment style is in play. When exposed to traumatic experiences, the self-regulating and healing ability of the nervous system can be blocked. The body is locked in stress and in This state conversation or meditation is not enough to release the knot of ambivalent emotions you are talking about. The knot, that is, the trauma must be released in your body exactly where it originated.
The internal alarm condition must Be turned off.
It is so that mental nodules do not heal, before the stuck energy and the attached emotions are released and given new meaning. In short, the stress condition must be switched off. It occurs via the brain's instinctive level, which is deep within the primitive reptile brain. The method of processing the trauma gently and lovingly - in other words. The comfort, security, and care you didn't get back then needs to be felt by your body now. When this happens, the nervous system releases its firm grip on the body and mind and you will experience calm, relaxation and healing. The heavy emotions will ease and you will have more energy, desire and courage to jump into love life.

Get your childhood traumas healed:
If you have a desire for therapy I recommend you find a therapist who works with trauma and the body, possibly. a certified attatchment therapist who also Works with SE or another form of body therapist."

An SE attatchment therapist.

My experience as a dismissive who has gained awareness of deactivation, is that it is not necessary to try to evoke the "feeling" of love, attachment, emotion, if it is not present. Instead, being aware and choosing loving actions and to be consistent in spite of an absence of felt attachment can assist with rhe ebb and flow of emotion.

I guess there are different concepts of "love" and what that entails but in my experience the best thing I can do is to choose consistent action and available presence and let love and attachment come and go. It gets easier with practice and time.

Headaces:

All forms for headaches are a symptom of that you think instead of feeling. It's a sign that you're breaking your head in finding solutions - without listening to what your heart needs. The underlying causes of ALL symptoms are ALWAYS of emotional character. That's why you must take a loving run down to your heart. Up in your head, there is too little space. The brain can not cope with emotions. This is a task for the Body, Heart and xxx.
Feelings that are not felt will rise and create an upper pressure.

Avoidants tend to 'think of the problems' rather than 'feel' them or ask someone for help.
It causes stress and tension in the head, shoulder and neck.

Headache is a sign that you carry too many burdens on your shoulders, and it creates a split between body, mind and spirit. The contact to the body is interrupted and the emotions are closed off.

Unfulfilled wishes and disappointment.
When it is migraine, the strength has increased.  Unfulfilled wishes and deep disappointment. An experience of being let down and a deep sense of fear - at an unconscious level. There is a great longing to be loved and receive attention!
It is often perfectionists, Who develops migranes
, it is their alibi to "get a break behind closed curtains". Which is very understandable since life is never perfect, and the quest for perfection creates madnesss (disorganized /dismissiveness / shame).

It occurs when there is extreme conflict between the intellect (grief and concern) and natural needs - such as: asking for help, presence, care from others, etc.

Reflect on the following: Where
can you recognize yourself in the description? 
What
can you do of self-loving actions for the migraine to be reduced?Sometimes the watertankexercise CanWork

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A study shows that:

Couples were given the task of talking together every day for x number of minutes. When the experiment ended, the couples were asked, if they were feeling better than before the experiment started.

Those with ambivalent attachment did not notice any significant change.

Those with dismissive avoidant attachment noticed a significant change and, after the experiment, were more open and satisfied in their relationship.

Because the dismissively attatched were forced to talk to their partner and share about their feelings in the experiment, this was the reason they could do it, even if it was not natural for/to them, under normal circumstances.

An attatchment/couples therapist

My partner and I are talking for about half an hour or so in the morning, on speaker while we do our respective morning routines. And then, hal an hour or so at night before bed, and instead of texting mid day we are giving a quick call to touch base. This is way more contact than we used to have through the week. But we both agree it's great. We talk about the mundane, and the deep. It's just consistent companionship.

What has been really great for me is the recognition that I need him. Not in a dependent way, but in the way of experiencing his love and support and actually regulating my nervous system! He needs regulating too- and it's very cool how we both experience more peace and happiness when we plug into each other instead of habitually insulating and isolating.