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Post by anne12 on Nov 6, 2019 12:15:15 GMT
Boundaries:
The avoidant often have got too rigid boundaries. They can be blunt and direct. They often forget about the other person and the other persons wants and needs. They come from a one p erson psykology system. They have to practice compromising in relationships and take in the other persons perspective. They have to practise flexible boundaries. and compromising in relationships. Both the disorganized and the ambivalent can find it difficult to set boundaries. The disorganized can find it difficult to sense their own boundaries, the boundaries of others because they have had their b crossed their boundaries in their childhood. They may have difficulty labeling them because they are desociated. Somehow sometimes they can sense their boundaries but they are in doubt whether they are okay. The desorganised has to practise finding out about their own boundaries and begin respect their own boundaries. The ambivalent can often sense their boundaries if they take the time to feel them. Pause. They can give up their own boundaries and needs. This is because they often lose themselves in relationships and are over in the other person. They often compromise too much in relationships. They have to be aware of wether or not compromises drain them or not. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/678/boundariespsychcentral.com/blog/flexible-boundaries-affirming-ourselves-while-staying-connected/
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 6, 2019 13:24:17 GMT
Boundaries: The avoidant often have got too rigid boundaries. They often forget about the other person and the other persons wants and needs. They come from a one p erson psykology system. They have to practice compromising in relationships and take in the other persons perspective. They have to practise flexible boundaries. and compromising in relationships. Both the disorganized and the ambivalent can find it difficult to set boundaries. The disorganized can find it difficult to sense their own boundaries, the boundaries of others because they have had their b crossed their boundaries in their childhood. They may have difficulty labeling them because they are desociated. Somehow sometimes they can sense their boundaries but they are in doubt whether they are okay. The ambivalent can often sense their boundaries if they take the time to feel them. Pause. They can give up their own boundaries and needs. This is because they often lose themselves in relationships and are over in the other person. They often compromise too much in relationships. They have to be aware of wether or not compromises drain them or not. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/678/boundariespsychcentral.com/blog/flexible-boundaries-affirming-ourselves-while-staying-connected/Thank you Anne....I was trying to use this with my mom in mind and if I go with the above...she is DA. I can literally feel her boundaries. |
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Post by anne12 on Nov 6, 2019 15:59:38 GMT
When you want to have a talk with your avoidant partner:
Say that you want to talk.
Ask when it will be appropriate for your avoidant partner to have a talk. Then agree when you set aside time to talk together.
Tell your partner about the purpose of the conversation. What would you like to get out of the conversation. What is your goal ?
Explain what are the benefits of having the conversation. What are the disadvantages if you do not talk about the specific topic.
Some of them, are often visual in their communication style, so a good thing can be to talk in pictures
Use logical, rational arguments. Be concrete. Use intellectual arguments with resnoabil points (and not discussion arguments). This can make them listen to you and they can say : maybe you are right, let's talk then....
Do not talk too much about how you feel ect. They do not understand that well and you risk not being taken seriously. Some avoidants can actually make fun of you and your feelings. They are not very good at feeling their own needs, feelings and sensations. They are up in their head and have closed off form their neck and down.
Ex the ambivalent can talk a lot about feelings and needs. They feel a lot. They often say : "I feel, I can sence that, I want to, I don't want to, just because I feel like it..." ect.
If you can put pictures on the things that you want, then this can be helpful for the avoidant to be able to better understand...
Remember again to be as concrete as possible.
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You want to try a new type of vacation. Usually you and your avoidant partner go skiing. But you want to go on summer vacation - to Thailand - with sun and high temperatures. Your avoidant partner says NO. We normally go skiing.
You can explain why you want to try a different kind of vacation (rational arguments) - ex the sun is healthy for you and your partners d vitamin level and your own d vitamin level is low, it will give you and your partner a better health , time to decompress, get a brake from daily life with stress, salt water is healthy to the skin ect.
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Post by anne12 on Nov 6, 2019 19:57:03 GMT
An avoidant explains that the best thing that her partner can do is, that her partner shows, he wants her, that he is patient with her and that he is precent with her and that he comes with a non judgemental approach. It helps her being assible and it helps her to open up and to be querious.
This feels different, than if she gets the feeling, that her boyfriend expects/wants her to give something to him.
(Some aps can send a vibe, that they want and need something from their partner. Maybe an ap doesn't show/say it out loud, it's at the subconscious level, but their partner can often sence it. They don't do this on, purpose but often have a craving from their childhood, because they never got full by the nourishing contact from their parents as children)
Avoidants have closed off from feeling their feelings and their own wants and needs.
All the different attatchment styles can benefit from the feeling that their partner shows that they want them, supports them, is patient with them, that they don't judge them or shame them. This approach from a partner can help all the different attatchmentstyles to heal. This is love and loving contact heals.
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Post by bohemianraspberry on Nov 7, 2019 7:33:23 GMT
Use logical rational arguments. Explain what are the benefits of having the conversation. What are the disadvantages if you do not talk about things. They are often visual, so a good thing can be to talk in pictures. Isn't this a contradiction? I have read other places as well that avoidants understands metaphors/pictures. But it doesn't make sense to me that this has anything to do with attachment style? Logical rational arguments speaks to the left-side rational brain, while visual explainations speaks to the right-side creative brain. It doesn't add up. |
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Post by anne12 on Nov 7, 2019 13:12:14 GMT
Some of them, are often visual in their communication style, so a good thing can be to talk in pictures. I will try to come up with an examble later maybe.You can try to read my post again.
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 7, 2019 15:36:06 GMT
Some of them, are often visual in their communication style, so a good thing can be to talk in pictures. I will try to come up with an examble later maybe.You can try to read my post again. Very much so. @inmourning - Would someone who is deactivated be able to receive or hear someone using metaphors? Especially if you are the person who contributed to their deactivation? My DA seems to need time and space and eventually “thaws” out. Thawing out of a deep freeze state is the best way I can describe the way I experience it with him. He’s currently in a freeze state. |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 7, 2019 16:40:27 GMT
@inmourning - Would someone who is deactivated be able to receive or hear someone using metaphors? Especially if you are the person who contributed to their deactivation? My DA seems to need time and space and eventually “thaws” out. Thawing out of a deep freeze state is the best way I can describe the way I experience it with him. He’s currently in a freeze state. Yes, thaw from deep freeze is what it feels like. I don't know if he could receive anything from you. Deep trust has to be there. I have deep trust with my therapist. Even though my trust was injured yesterday with my partner he and I have enough experience together that he knows that his voice and gentleness can help me. But when we did not have this trust, I don't believe he could have helped me at all. It would have just made it worse because I did not feel safe or understood until a lot of progress was made in intimacy between us, and also me working hard to understand what was going on in me. (is still going on in me). @inmourning - No, he doesn’t have a deep trust with me or anyone on this planet. I was the one he trusted most but that had several limitations. |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 7, 2019 17:37:34 GMT
@inmourning - No, he doesn’t have a deep trust with me or anyone on this planet. I was the one he trusted most but that had several limitations. Unfortunately this is the deep dilemma of an avoidant. And it's also why he's dedicated to providing stability for his kids, so they won't feel the same way. You mentioned that it was rwally hard for him to see his kids experience the divorce, if I remember correctly. He's trying to give them what he doesn't have, you probably can tell he has a lot of responsibility and ability to prioritize them to the exclusion of other things. That's where his comfort and purpose lie, if I were to take a guess about his priorities right now. @inmourning - Yes, you read correctly. Good memory. His most defining character traits are his sense of duty and responsibility - to his children and to a lesser extent his career and life in general. He’s a dedicated dad and although he would prefer to never talk to his ex wife again- he keeps daily communication with her for the sake of his two kids. It kills him that his kids come from a broken home- that he couldn’t provide that stability and protect them. Tears him up. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2019 18:07:20 GMT
Oh you guy's - I understand that you find it really exciting to examine avoidant attatchment style - so do I. I would appreciate if you would move some of your personal posts to another thread. I think this thread is becoming too long and I think it is difficult to read and to get an overview if you want to look something up about avoidant attatchment style. Another thing that maybe could be done is to make a new thread and then make a link to your thread in this thread. I appreciate your inputs Anne12 Ok, I won't post on this thread further. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2019 18:32:51 GMT
I didn't know how to move my posts so I deleted them. Sorry.
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Post by anne12 on Nov 30, 2019 19:22:57 GMT
Desorganised attatchment style vs. avoidant attatchment style:
People that are dealing with avoidant attachment shut down their attachment system due to neglect or active rejection if it's related to parenting styles. This can also occur if they've only been related to when learning a task so that they become overdeveloped in the left brain with less access to emotional availability or responsiveness.
They also dissociate into parallel attention or activities that don't involve other people as a defense against their stress related to connection. In this case, the therapist needs to help the client learn to identify their needs and reach out and find comfort and soothing in regulation with another person for co-regulation and to enjoy the emotional connection.
In disorganized, the attachment style is mixed with the threat response due to a parent being afraid of their own children or afraid from their own unresolved trauma or doing scary things to a child as they're raising them. There is a lot more fear involved and of course also dissociation related to unresolved relational trauma. The attachment system and the survival defensive responses can be over coupled and causing somatic, emotional and physiological confusion when a person is trying to connect more intimately in a relationship.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2019 20:01:55 GMT
Desorganised attatchment style vs. avoidant attatchment style: People that are dealing with avoidant attachment shut down their attachment system due to neglect or active rejection if it's related to parenting styles. This can also occur if they've only been related to when learning a task so that they become overdeveloped in the left brain with less access to emotional availability or responsiveness. They also dissociate into parallel attention or activities that don't involve other people as a defense against their stress related to connection. In this case, the therapist needs to help the client learn to identify their needs and reach out and find comfort and soothing in regulation with another person for co-regulation and to enjoy the emotional connection. In disorganized, the attachment style is mixed with the threat response due to a parent being afraid of their own children or afraid from their own unresolved trauma or doing scary things to a child as they're raising them. There is a lot more fear involved and of course also dissociation related to unresolved relational trauma. The attachment system and the survival defensive responses can be over coupled and causing somatic, emotional and physiological confusion when a person is trying to connect more intimately in a relationship. This explanation clarifies for me why I find a lot of FA/disorganized stories and descriptions so difficult to understand. To me, it's never seemed like FA is just AP+DA. There is an element of fear/panic/threat that I don't relate to in intimacy avoidance. I definitely can relate to having to learn to reach out to another person for co-regulation. That has been the big assignment for this last 6 months or so. I do also relate to withdrawal and solitary activity to handle interpersonal stress. It isn't that there isn't interpersonal stress felt, but it is natural to self soothe. However, there is not a sense of danger or threat response in withdrawal, for me personally. I continue to understand more as I go along, and this description helps. |
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Post by anne12 on Nov 30, 2019 20:53:00 GMT
Yes the threat responce, panic inside, fight, flight, freeze responces are relevant when we are talkning about desorganised attatchment style.
Maybe it does not show on the outside but they can somehow feel it on the inside, unless they have dissociated.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2019 21:05:31 GMT
Based on Peter Levine's theories , my therapist said that the nervous system state of freeze is the main state of avoidant attachment. This meaning, not orientation to threat in preparation for fight or flight, but the state of parasympathetic dominance that leads to being subdued. He says it can be difficult to differentiate from the outside , from parasympathetic relaxed state. But as avoidant I can definitely tell the difference in terms of level of appetite and attachment/feeling.
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