Stepping away from the dance and regaining self respect

i think it sounds like you are really stepping up for yourself, and i applaud you.
as far as the friendship, i am gonna give you permission to trust your instincts and what you are feeling from it, in case you haven't given yourself that permission.

i have true, intimate, loving friendships in my life these days, and they are remarkable in that there is no underlying tension, ambiguity, hidden motives, nothing but warmth and it feels good because it IS good.

I'm avoidant, and i grew up in an environment where my perception of pain or harm to me was consistently, aggressively invalidated and discounted. So for most of my life, when something felt bad, not only was it familiar and therefore normalized to me, i also squashed my feelings and doubts about it. I truly could not trust other people (and for good reason) but most importantly i could not trust my self to have an accurate sense of the situation- am i just too picky, sensitive, ignorant? i was always told i was those things, when i was pushing back against mistreatment.... how could i really know what's real?
i found myself in so many detrimental relationships, it would happen before i knew what was going on.
naturally, as an avoidant, i withdrew deeply.
and spent a lot of time in solitude, more peaceful there/

But, part of my healing has been to recognize my feelings and listen to them, both to what they say to me about original wounding, and also current harmful realities.
it has taken years of refining my original intuition, my inner knowing, my sense of myself and deep friendship with myself.

I now DO trust myself, and i listen to and honor my uncomfortable feelings with negative dynamics. I recognize the harm. and i protect myself from it. I don't have one single painful relationship of the chosen variety.
All of my friendships are affirming, embracing, truly intimate, enriching, and they all enhance my life in recognizable ways.

that can be the standard for your friendships, all of them. you don't owe anyone but yourself friendship- to all others, it is a gift, and in the best friendships, that gift will be reciprocated iin a way that you can feel, inside and out, without doubt or hesitation.

true friendship just doesn't feel bad.

juniper tnr9

Thank you both for your words of encouragement. I’m finding it very hard to trust my instincts at the moment and almost always feel internally conflicted.

I’ve also come to the realisation that I’ve always been a fearful avoidant and that my AP side only gets triggered when I’m in a relationship with someone more avoidant than me. I think I’ve been in denial for a long time. I came out of a 4 year relationship with a BDP AP and got over it within a week. When my father died of cancer I cried a couple of times then dissociated from it.

In relationships I’ve come to realize that I associate anxiety with attraction. If I don’t feel anxiety, I don’t feel attracted. The girl I was seeing is the same and any time she was feeling anxious, I soothed her anxiety thinking it was what a caring secure person would do. But it only ever caused her to back away once her itch was scratched. So after we had our big fight we were both anxious, I soothed her anxiety thinking it was the mature thing to do, but then her engulfment took over and she walked away. Leaving me in a world of anxiety, pain, trauma and confusion. 2 months on and I’m still in a world of pain as I try and put myself back together. But I do know I have to be responsible for my own pain and healing and I can’t rely on anyone to help me mend, but myself.

That’s very helpful advice, thank you.

Go to a CODA meeting and pull an AP. Then bring her along to the wedding, mix that in with some alcohol and watch the sparks fly!

In all seriousness though, your ex is blatantly rebounding. Maybe even bringing this person along to make you jealous? Who knows. It doesn't really matter. She will repeat the same mistakes of her past with this new person. If she is not self aware (which you clearly are, and know you have things to change about yourself with regards to relationships) then she is doomed to repeat her toxic history. Give it till Christmas before they start doing the dance. By then you will be in a better place mentally and will be glad to have been out of the weird attachment dance you were doing with her

I'm sorry you're going through this.
You don't sound like you have a victim mentality to me. You sound like a human being in a very difficult situation.
Is there someone you can take to the wedding with you to help you get through it? Are there any other strategies that might help?
If you genuinely feel like it would do more harm than goo for you to attend, maybe it's an option to skip it? I think you need to take care of yourself first. I would want someone I love to do that, even if it meant missing my wedding. I know it's not ideal and at the same time maybe it's worth a thought?
Like brokenbuscuits said, your ex is choosing to perpetuate an unhealthy life for herself and you are choosing to heal and grow. I know how painful it is, but you are choosing temporary pain and long term gain, and she is choosing temporary gain and long term pain. I know it doesn't help much now, but in time this will pass and you'll be in a better place. Hold on, and know you're not alone.
Sending love.

brokenbiscuit @warriorgirl notalone juniper

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I do find some comfort knowing that I can always come here to let out my suffering.

I’m in Japan at the moment and have been for the last two days, I found out about this the night before I left. I’ve got a good mate that hasn’t let me barricade myself in the hotel room, I’ve been very active and have been experiencing everything I always wanted to see. But I feel like a tortured traumatized zombie, not feeling any joy on the trip of a lifetime. I feel like I’ve really lost myself. As far as the wedding goes, I’m not sure what I’m gonna do yet. I’m both gutted she’s been seeing someone else and both angry and scared that I’ll have to see her with this guy if I go to the wedding. The wedding is my exes and the mother of my child, I’ve explained to her my feelings about the situation but she has zero empathy and turned it round on me saying I should just get over it and she doesnt want to know about it. My son will be there and we have a good co parenting relationship and I’m worried about seriously straining it if I don’t go, she is very vindictive. This is all very overwhelming.

That’s great advice and you’re 100% right, I haven’t been shown adequate respect and I have been batted around and have been guilty on more than one occasion of allowing it. I wouldn’t be in this situation if my boundaries had been stronger. I’ve stood my ground (now) with my recent ex, but my son’s Mum is a different monster. I don’t like to throw labels around but she is an AP borderline and is very unpredictable. She’s been known to use my son against me before. She never hesitates to fight dirty and she’ll always take things further than I will. I’m stuck with her for the next 14 years unfortunately. That being said, she knows how I feel about this situation, I didn’t mince my words and I was very emotionally honest. She just doesn’t care. She’s a user and it’s all about her. That and she’s become good friends with my recent ex. It’s nothing short of complicated.