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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2018 3:09:16 GMT
jacobsladderdo you know what you will do? how are you faring? I think I’m gonna go, reluctantly. After spending the last couple of days with my first phantom who is DA, it’s highlighted to me that none of this is real and slightly shifted my perspective. During our time together this week I went from feeling nothing towards her, to engulfed, now anxious now she’s left. These girls are just the stamps on the triggers, not the triggers themselves. She’s nice to me I feel engulfed, she backs off a little I feel anxious. I first started seeing this girl when I was 15, it’s crazy I was doing the dance back then and didn’t even know it, I just thought I was unlovable. It will hurt seeing the current ex with someone else at this wedding, but I have to hold my head high, because underneath all this fuckery I am worth it and I will heal. I am proud of this mindset! You really are treating yourself with care and respect here. You have a motivation for going that supports your son, to show him that you can be supportive of his mother's new relationship. It was important for me to demonstrate that to my children when their father remarried (not a wedding invitee, yay!) so that they would not feel conflicted and disloyal to either parent by loving both. You recognize your own wounds and are battling daily against a deeply ingrained pattern, something in your nervous system itself! Very difficult, and yet, you press on. You know and are able to say, I'm worth it, i will heal. This is very very very kind and inspiring, to yourself! You have not abandoned yourself. This will be difficult, and you acknowledge that and i am sure feel it full well, and yet- you're determined to rise above it. Well done, sir, well done. |
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Post by jacobsladder on Aug 8, 2018 4:49:48 GMT
I think I’m gonna go, reluctantly. After spending the last couple of days with my first phantom who is DA, it’s highlighted to me that none of this is real and slightly shifted my perspective. During our time together this week I went from feeling nothing towards her, to engulfed, now anxious now she’s left. These girls are just the stamps on the triggers, not the triggers themselves. She’s nice to me I feel engulfed, she backs off a little I feel anxious. I first started seeing this girl when I was 15, it’s crazy I was doing the dance back then and didn’t even know it, I just thought I was unlovable. It will hurt seeing the current ex with someone else at this wedding, but I have to hold my head high, because underneath all this fuckery I am worth it and I will heal. I am proud of this mindset! You really are treating yourself with care and respect here. You have a motivation for going that supports your son, to show him that you can be supportive of his mother's new relationship. It was important for me to demonstrate that to my children when their father remarried (not a wedding invitee, yay!) so that they would not feel conflicted and disloyal to either parent by loving both. You recognize your own wounds and are battling daily against a deeply ingrained pattern, something in your nervous system itself! Very difficult, and yet, you press on. You know and are able to say, I'm worth it, i will heal. This is very very very kind and inspiring, to yourself! You have not abandoned yourself. This will be difficult, and you acknowledge that and i am sure feel it full well, and yet- you're determined to rise above it. Well done, sir, well done. Thank you. None of it is easy at all, but it’s time to put on my big boy pants. I know this is really the only way and no I’m not ready to abandon myself just yet. I was told I was shaking in my sleep last night, like I was having a seizure and have found myself trembling a lot over the last couple of days. Starting to release some of this trauma. All the cards on the table now, time to be brave and start walking towards the path of the recovery. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2018 12:05:10 GMT
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Post by jacobsladder on Aug 9, 2018 1:30:13 GMT
It does look difficult. I’m already being faced with temptations.
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Post by guest on Aug 9, 2018 2:29:37 GMT
It does look difficult. I’m already being faced with temptations. Tie yourself to the mast. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2018 2:36:20 GMT
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Post by jacobsladder on Aug 10, 2018 4:38:18 GMT
Thank you. I need all the support I can get. |
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Post by jacobsladder on Aug 15, 2018 23:54:51 GMT
juniper I’m gonna take you up on your invitation to talk. The walls are definitely up and I’ve resigned to the fact that I’ll be facing my fears at this wedding in 2 days time. I’m feeling very dismissive about it all now, but I also know I’m quite vulnerable underneath all that, I’ve just got a lot of armour on. There’s some talk that this new boyfriend may or may not be attending now. Either way, I’ve got the same attitude towards it. I don’t feel over anxious, I feel numb, but there’s a whole lot swirling underneath and I don’t know how that’s gonna go play out on the day. I’m pretty determined to give her less than nothing. It feels like I’m walking around in a insolated bubble at the moment with the occasional strong ping of anxiety.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2018 0:25:37 GMT
juniper I’m gonna take you up on your invitation to talk. The walls are definitely up and I’ve resigned to the fact that I’ll be facing my fears at this wedding in 2 days time. I’m feeling very dismissive about it all now, but I also know I’m quite vulnerable underneath all that, I’ve just got a lot of armour on. There’s some talk that this new boyfriend may or may not be attending now. Either way, I’ve got the same attitude towards it. I don’t feel over anxious, I feel numb, but there’s a whole lot swirling underneath and I don’t know how that’s gonna go play out on the day. I’m pretty determined to give her less than nothing. It feels like I’m walking around in a insolated bubble at the moment with the occasional strong ping of anxiety. i think it's just fine to have armor on in a situation like this, you don't have to go to this event showing your flank, for sure! he vulnerable parts, you can reveal and work through with safe people. i think it's good to go in stoically, get it done, and deal with what arises in you before and after in good company! |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2018 0:30:26 GMT
when i was under attack a lot in a vicious relationship (i understand that is not the same scenario) i had an imaginary plexiglass bubble i would put around me (like a spaceship lol) and when vile words spewed out of the gaping mouth i watched them splat like bugs on a windshield, splat splat splat. they never got to me- it was kind of amusing actually because the assailant had no idea that i saw his words as green goo.
i was unaffected. it was all just garbage coming at me that didn't make it past the glass.
whatever works in such a situation, to keep you out of entanglement or reactivity, until you can get to a more comfortable spot!
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Post by jacobsladder on Aug 16, 2018 5:40:40 GMT
when i was under attack a lot in a vicious relationship (i understand that is not the same scenario) i had an imaginary plexiglass bubble i would put around me (like a spaceship lol) and when vile words spewed out of the gaping mouth i watched them splat like bugs on a windshield, splat splat splat. they never got to me- it was kind of amusing actually because the assailant had no idea that i saw his words as green goo. i was unaffected. it was all just garbage coming at me that didn't make it past the glass. whatever works in such a situation, to keep you out of entanglement or reactivity, until you can get to a more comfortable spot! Yeah that’s good advice. Get in and get out. I just don’t know how to be around her |
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Post by lilyg on Aug 16, 2018 7:17:51 GMT
juniper I’m gonna take you up on your invitation to talk. The walls are definitely up and I’ve resigned to the fact that I’ll be facing my fears at this wedding in 2 days time. I’m feeling very dismissive about it all now, but I also know I’m quite vulnerable underneath all that, I’ve just got a lot of armour on. There’s some talk that this new boyfriend may or may not be attending now. Either way, I’ve got the same attitude towards it. I don’t feel over anxious, I feel numb, but there’s a whole lot swirling underneath and I don’t know how that’s gonna go play out on the day. I’m pretty determined to give her less than nothing. It feels like I’m walking around in a insolated bubble at the moment with the occasional strong ping of anxiety. Hey jacobsladder, I hope you're well  I just wanted to add that one of my best friends recently went through something very similar, her ex also starting to see someone else right away, and she decided not to go to the wedding (as he was probably going with his new girlfriend). She was good friends with the couple but they understood. She instead spent time with me drinking wine, talking about our things and seeing terrible horror movies. If you want to go and feel strong enough, that's perfectly fine, but if you feel a bit uneasy, you can spend time with a good friend instead. If you decide to go, dance a lot and have a good time |
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Post by anne12 on Aug 16, 2018 7:57:44 GMT
If you have to go J, why not hire a hot model to go with you... ;-) Or you can use other alternatives: If you can´t afford the hot model, you can imagine that she is standing beside you at the wedding as a support. Or you can imagine a good friend, your grandmother or other people you have experienced as beeing supportive to you. If no people, you can use an animal or you can prentend that you have a tiger in front of you, that can scratch her any time you like. Or you can imagine, that you are a tiger, lepard ect. yourself, with big claws, with sharp teeth or a male gorilla that pumps up his chest and hits himself on the chest ect. "Water tank" exercise can help you to regulate your nerveus system and your anxeity, helps you not to get overwhelmed, helps you to get flow in your body and to become precent. You can start practice right now. You can use it (the short version) at the wedding. Remember to wickle your toes/feet and move your fingers. The energy has to go down and out of your body. Other people will not be able to notise. If you can´t feel your body, you can tap your arms and legs. If you want to "kick her but" and get her out of your nerveus system, making a boundarie with your body, you can gently push one foot/leg out while sitting down, while feeling your sitting bones, legs and feet. Then the other foot. (it´s like the movement babys do with their legs, that helps them to get out of the birth canal). Do this until your system relaxes. Maybe one of your legs/feet will shake/you can feel tingeling, heat, expansion in your body ect. Again you can do this while sitting at the table, at the wedding, no one can see it! Before you go and/or right now, you can also push your arms and hands out in front of you. (maybe saying NO at the same time) Then to the side. Remember slow motion movements. Do it as many times as you like. Use touch from a "calm" friend. Make your friend touch you on one of your feet, by putting one foot on top of your foot or on the back of your shoulder ect. - where ever you like - as long as you like - to feel the support and to help you to regulate your nerveussystem. You can use the bubble like Juniper suggested. You can also make the bubble flexible, so you can deside, if you want people close to you or further away. You can do the yang breath, where you breathe all the way from your penis and out through your heart. You can use Chris Griscom color/breathing meditation: Imagine the other person or look at the other person.Ask yourself what color, she wants from you. But only inside of yourself.Imagine a cloud with this color over your head.Pull the color in with your inhalation.Send the color through the solar plexus and over to the other person on exhalation.Do anger meditation at home (the one with the towel to feel the strength in your arms and hands ect. or do the Leonard Jacobsens anger meditation) - Look in the thread about how to release anger and getting the life enegy back Working with body langauge. Do a power pose "the wonder woman power pose" for two minutes - and yes, it is also for men :-) You can think of Superman, Arnold Schwarznegger ect. Listen to Amy Cuddy: jamesclear.com/body-language-how-to-be-confidentIf she is beeing rude at the wedding, you can imagine, that you "mute" her and you can turn your back at her and/or walk away - go get a drink at the bar. (walking away from rude people is also a boundarie) Before you go to the bar, you can go to the toilet, and use boundarie setting to calm you down, by pushing your arms, hands, legs and feet out in the air (slowmotion). Or you can ask her, when she makes a rude comment ect,: "what is that supossed to mean" or "what are you trying to say by that comment". Use "getting into the now exercises" at the wedding. Feel your feet on the floor, feel the chair supporting you, if sitting down, breathe and then look around: smell, see, hear, feel whats in the room. |
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Post by jacobsladder on Aug 17, 2018 1:40:58 GMT
juniper lilyg anne12 Thank you all for your advice and support. Don’t know where I’d be if I never found these forums!
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2018 2:02:57 GMT
juniper lilyg anne12 Thank you all for your advice and support. Don’t know where I’d be if I never found these forums! you are welcome! i have the same kind of gratitude to those on the forum who have supported me, and i'm glad you've found a little bit of backup as you navigate this! 🌸 |
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I just wanted to add that one of my best friends recently went through something very similar, her ex also starting to see someone else right away, and she decided not to go to the wedding (as he was probably going with his new girlfriend). She was good friends with the couple but they understood. She instead spent time with me drinking wine, talking about our things and seeing terrible horror movies. If you want to go and feel strong enough, that's perfectly fine, but if you feel a bit uneasy, you can spend time with a good friend instead.