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Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2018 0:41:21 GMT
is this wanker level brokenbiscuit? i mean i thought so- if chicks could be wankers. what with the huge disrespect of the jealous crap she pulls. |
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Post by cspragu on Aug 4, 2018 2:20:01 GMT
Thanks biscuit, much appreciated. Just to be clear....I don’t know if she purposely flirts with anyone. I’m mot sure if it’s conscious or not. But I do know that If I so much as talk to an attractive female then my ex will take notice. It’s not difficult to make her jealous even though she tries to act like she doesn’t ever feel that way.
I don’t know if I’m THAT GUY or not. She does love me and I knew she did back in December. She literally told me that she could never love me while she was rubbing my head and holding my hand. It was as much an attempt to convince herself as it was to convince me. Because she knew I was about to walk away from her. But I did walk away and she didn’t hit rock bottom. Maybe she knew I wasn’t gone for good. We go to the same gym after all. And she would reach out to me whenever she could without putting herself out there too much in case I rejected her. She would often call her best friend when leaving the gym and tell her how bad she wanted to speak to me. But she’s also the one who broke it off again this time. Maybe I’m just not gonna be the one who ends up being the catalyst for change. I don’t know yet.
She texted me yesterday morning after two days of silence. She apologized for her silence and the delayed response and said that it was needed but difficult. She asked me what my schedule was so we could meet and talk. I texted her back and said I was available yesterday but had my son this weekend. I’ve not yet received a response in return. What do you make of that?
I see what she’s doing. She on instagram at times when she generally wouldn’t be. Odd hours for her that tell me she’s not sleeping like she normally would and with a frequency that suggests she checking to see if I’m on too. She’s also not posting to social media much. Which is unusual for her. I feel like we’re playing a game right now to see who will break and reach out first. I hate games.
I don’t know what she’s gonna do. My gut tells me that she will reach out again at some point. But, she’s convinced a lot of her friends that she’s the victim here so they’re all advising her to stay away. Whether she heeds their advice or not remains to be seen. But she already ignored them once to get back with me this time. And she very susceptible to peer pressure.
We talked every day. I spent the night in her bed most nights. She was telling me she loved me and we were sharing some intimate moments. She would cry on my shoulder over her father when he would reach out to her. Called me over to take care of her when she was having a female issue that caused her a lot of pain. She would lean on me to calm her down when her anxiety would get the best of her at work. She’s met my son and most of my family. I’ve met her parents, Etc. I’m always a significant part of her life when we’re together. I know that sudden change has to affect her. Even if she’s the one who’s constantly breaking it off and running from the truth.
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Post by lilyg on Aug 6, 2018 9:28:49 GMT
She had the feeling that you wanted to change her. Even if she's being avoidant, you cannot frame things in a way to 'change her'. You cannot change a person, but you can stand your ground and kindly explain her your standards while dating somebody. Your therapist has told you you can improve your communicational skills (you are writing that there was nothing mean in your messages, but she told you you were both being mean to each other so… maybe that's something to reflect upon). My therapist actually thinks I'm a great communicator. Im slightly better at written than I am verbal communication, but I can convey my feelings and needs without problem. The issue is that there doesn't seem to be ANY mode of communication that she can handle or positively respond to. I try and calmly talk to her and she immediately gets defensive and irritated, which makes it difficult for me to be vulnerable with her. If I try to text my feelings then she gets similarly defensive and angry because she feels attacked and because she has to read a few paragraphs. I've tried writing my feelings down and then reading them to her and she grabbed my phone and said "do you know how it makes me feel that you have all of that written down"? At times she gets so angry that she completely shuts down and wont talk to me for a bit.
I just want to talk to her. I want to connect and acknowledge each others needs and feelings and discuss them like adults. But I don't know how to keep her calm. I try gently telling her to calm down and it makes her more angry. I've tried to hold her hand so she knows I care and she pulls away. I don't know what to do and she cant or wont suggest an alternative to anything Ive tried.
Its hard because there are times where it seems like we've had a break through....but then we take two steps back. A few weeks ago my mother came up in conversation and that's a sensitive subject for me. She was trying to give me advice on how to handle it and I was telling her that, While I appreciate the advice, it wouldn't work. I've known her for 33 years after all. She got defensive saying that I make her feel stupid or like I don't value her opinion or advice. I couldn't reason with her that wasn't the case so I excused myself from the table to go inside so I could keep my cool. She came in a few minutes later and essentially said that I didn't deserve what my mother does do for me because I feel the way I do about the things she hasn't done for me. I got upset and told her that she had no idea what she was talking about, so she walked away and went downstairs for a while. She wrote down everything that was said that evening and realized that she had been insensitive and had no right to say what she said knowing so little about the subject. I came upstairs to go to bed and she came around to my side of the bed, knelt down in front of me(I was sitting on the side of the bed), and tearfully apologized to me for what she had said and how it had made me feel. I told her I loved her and it was okay and she said she loved me too. She hugged me while I cried and continued to be supportive. I was so proud of how that situation got resolved. But a break through like that only happened once or twice. The rest of the time it was nearly impossible to get her to acknowledge my feelings and address my concerns. So they problems never get fixed and they begin to compound and fester. We essentially just fought about the same things over and over because the issue never got resolved.
Ohh sorry, it must be really hard! I can relate. I once had a partner like that and it honestly was terrible for me. I was walking on eggshells. It seems she's being insecure and not able to be truly vulnerable, but this is still hurting you a lot, and even if she had a lot of trauma and you want to help her, you can only handle that much. She needs to be aware of her behaviour and stop making you be the bad guy. Mr. Biscuit is being super spot-on on how somebody with an attachment wound feels. At least that's everything I've talked with my BF about his feelings about me and himself (I'm surprised is that similar! And I do believe you guys are very, very sympathetic). When we broke up I told him about attachment styles and we didn't talk again until he read a lot and understood what was going on inside him, and was ready to really open up and trust me (and I had timefor myself to think, forgive and read too). I recommend you not talking to her right now, mostly because it'll give you time and space to heal and be at peace with yourself. Then maybe after you can revisit the idea of rekindling. You seem like a good person. I think I'll leave this to people who know more about this to help you. Take care  |
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Post by cspragu on Aug 13, 2018 12:16:35 GMT
Its incredibly hard lily. I received a text from her last Sunday (August 5th) at 2am that read "Chris, you are an incredible human being ! Loving, supportive, caring, genuine, selfless... all things good in a human being! You are an incredible father and that much more of a partner!!!! With that being said I dont deserve you. I am going through an internal battle that is eating me alive.. the arguments and battles you and I have endured are the types of battles Im continuously doing to myself, hence why Ive exiled myself from everything ... everything! I cant sleep and am fighting this battle I feel like I cant win, but know I will sooner or later... Im really sorry this is so unbelievably late... at night and in general. No sorry can make up for our misunderstandings and shortcomings but I want to ensure you that I do love you and wish I could give you the happiness and love you deserve! Im sorry for disappointing you".
I responded by saying "stop running away from me...". She then said that she wasn't running from me but that she was running from herself. She said she doesn't know what to do for herself. I asked her what she wanted and she said that she didn't know what she wanted but that she needed to figure it out on her own. That's the last I heard from her....
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2018 12:51:04 GMT
Relationship WOD, challenge accepted.
Max Drama x Max Rep for time
Write your score on the board.
I'm not unsympathetic but this is drama, from the get go and everybody (including her i think?) warned you.
I know you're a competitive guy with high self esteem but...
I'm seeing an anxious preoccupied guy in pursuit of an unavailable woman and this could wreck you but hang in there if it's really what you want. It's like a strength and metcon in one.
Your "relationship " likely isn't the exception to the rule going by what you've posted- do you have any unrealistic hopes here or expectations that you can identify?
How are you doing?
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Post by lilyg on Aug 13, 2018 13:52:49 GMT
Its incredibly hard lily. I received a text from her last Sunday (August 5th) at 2am that read "Chris, you are an incredible human being ! Loving, supportive, caring, genuine, selfless... all things good in a human being! You are an incredible father and that much more of a partner!!!! With that being said I dont deserve you. I am going through an internal battle that is eating me alive.. the arguments and battles you and I have endured are the types of battles Im continuously doing to myself, hence why Ive exiled myself from everything ... everything! I cant sleep and am fighting this battle I feel like I cant win, but know I will sooner or later... Im really sorry this is so unbelievably late... at night and in general. No sorry can make up for our misunderstandings and shortcomings but I want to ensure you that I do love you and wish I could give you the happiness and love you deserve! Im sorry for disappointing you". I responded by saying "stop running away from me...". She then said that she wasn't running from me but that she was running from herself. She said she doesn't know what to do for herself. I asked her what she wanted and she said that she didn't know what she wanted but that she needed to figure it out on her own. That's the last I heard from her.... As I told you before, I think that when somebody it's not prepared to give you back the love you give them, they're just not prepared. It's that simple. Don't play games with her and believe whats she's telling you about herself. She said she doesn't deserve you and quite frankly, she's not acting right now as someone who deserves or even wants a relationship. Don't think much about her motivations, I don't think she even knows why she's doing this things. I know it's super hard, believe me, I've felt it before. I understand your pain, but you cannot convince anyone to be with you. People often tell us who they are and how they feel and we must believe them. It must be hard for her too but quite frankly, you both have to be adults about this. You seem like a great guy, be your own best friend and treat yourself with kindness |
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Post by cspragu on Aug 13, 2018 16:12:15 GMT
Yes...I was warned. But at the time I was warned I didn't know a single thing about adult attachment. And now that I do, it doesn't really make it any easier to break the attachment I've developed for this girl. I probably should've let go after the second time she flaked on me. But I think most of us have been in a situation where we want to believe the things coming out of the mouth of someone we care about. I'm sorry (I guess?) if it appears overly dramatic. Competitive or not, my self esteem isn't so high right now and to say that I'm doing poorly is a huge understatement. Yes I'm AP and yes I'm in therapy of my own to deal with that...but that doesn't make me exempt from the feelings of abandonment, inadequacy, and loss that AP's experience so dramatically. You're right that my relationship with her does not appear to be an exception to the rule. Other than her telling me that she loves me, her repeated attempts to contact and get back with me, introducing me to her family etc., ours has ended up like every other relationship she's had.
Yes I have unrealistic hopes and expectations. Its very difficult for me to reconcile all the amazing things she said about me with the idea that she doesn't want to be with me. I know she isn't in a place where she can have a healthy relationship. But I find it difficult not to hope that she will seek the help she knows she needs.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2018 16:37:12 GMT
Yes...I was warned. But at the time I was warned I didn't know a single thing about adult attachment. And now that I do, it doesn't really make it any easier to break the attachment I've developed for this girl. I probably should've let go after the second time she flaked on me. But I think most of us have been in a situation where we want to believe the things coming out of the mouth of someone we care about. I'm sorry (I guess?) if it appears overly dramatic. Competitive or not, my self esteem isn't so high right now and to say that I'm doing poorly is a huge understatement. Yes I'm AP and yes I'm in therapy of my own to deal with that...but that doesn't make me exempt from the feelings of abandonment, inadequacy, and loss that AP's experience so dramatically. You're right that my relationship with her does not appear to be an exception to the rule. Other than her telling me that she loves me, her repeated attempts to contact and get back with me, introducing me to her family etc., ours has ended up like every other relationship she's had. Yes I have unrealistic hopes and expectations. Its very difficult for me to reconcile all the amazing things she said about me with the idea that she doesn't want to be with me. I know she isn't in a place where she can have a healthy relationship. But I find it difficult not to hope that she will seek the help she knows she needs. It may not seem like it, but the intention of my post was to get back to how you are doing and hear from your about your struggle so we can all support you. attachment pain is horrendous. any style. so, i also hope she gets healing eventually. you don't have to apologize at all for drama- it's the nature of the beast with insecure relationships. my hope for you, is that you can continue to be vulnerable here like you did just now so you can get the support you need. I am not anxious so i can't give good action-advice all the time as i come from the dismissive (earned secure also) POV. but- as far as taking care of yourself and healing your own woundedness that fuels the pattern of painful entanglements, i am behind you all the way and empathize completely. |
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 13, 2018 16:51:43 GMT
Yes...I was warned. But at the time I was warned I didn't know a single thing about adult attachment. And now that I do, it doesn't really make it any easier to break the attachment I've developed for this girl. I probably should've let go after the second time she flaked on me. But I think most of us have been in a situation where we want to believe the things coming out of the mouth of someone we care about. I'm sorry (I guess?) if it appears overly dramatic. Competitive or not, my self esteem isn't so high right now and to say that I'm doing poorly is a huge understatement. Yes I'm AP and yes I'm in therapy of my own to deal with that...but that doesn't make me exempt from the feelings of abandonment, inadequacy, and loss that AP's experience so dramatically. You're right that my relationship with her does not appear to be an exception to the rule. Other than her telling me that she loves me, her repeated attempts to contact and get back with me, introducing me to her family etc., ours has ended up like every other relationship she's had. Yes I have unrealistic hopes and expectations. Its very difficult for me to reconcile all the amazing things she said about me with the idea that she doesn't want to be with me. I know she isn't in a place where she can have a healthy relationship. But I find it difficult not to hope that she will seek the help she knows she needs. Ohhhhh...I so understand...it is two distinct messages...and I have had that as well....message one..you are great (and as APs we desperately want to hear we are great) but it is tied to message two...you deserve better which can be translated in our AP minds as I don't want you. That Chris..is the see saw effect....come hither, go away....validation and perceived rejection. We pursue after the validation and try to avoid the perceived rejection. The thing is...I actually understand the whole I am running from myself comment. She is locked in fear and there isn't anything you can do for her except accept her where she is at and realize that this is not about you..it is about her...it is where she is and it is as old to her as your patterns are to you. The best thing you can do is to continue to focus on your needs and give her the space and time she has requested. |
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Post by cspragu on Aug 13, 2018 17:03:57 GMT
Thank you both. I mean that with all sincerity. I'm sorry if I came across as snappy in my response to you Juniper. I know that my hope is misplaced and unrealistic. I know that I'm pining over potential and not reality. And I know that theres nothing I can do to change the situation.
I hate to admit it because I willingly keep playing this game with her. But I'm in a really shitty place right now and the lows are as bad as anything ive ever experienced. I go back and forth between KNOWING that she loves me and that her running again is not my fault. And then feeling like I fucked up. I knew she was FA when we started over and I couldn't keep my shit completely together when she was treating me poorly so...
I shouldve done better...
But I deserve better....
But I knew what I was getting into...
But she said she knew she sabotaged things and she wanted help...
But she canceled her appointment...
I felt her distancing and shouldve looked elsewhere for reassurance...
But she shouldve communicated with me..
And on and on like that. It's a never ending cycle of torturous overthinking and depression that I CANNOT get out of. It's so defeating to want something so badly, do everything you can to make it work, and then fall short just like every other time.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 13, 2018 17:14:13 GMT
Thank you both. I mean that with all sincerity. I'm sorry if I came across as snappy in my response to you Juniper. I know that my hope is misplaced and unrealistic. I know that I'm pining over potential and not reality. And I know that theres nothing I can do to change the situation. I hate to admit it because I willingly keep playing this game with her. But I'm in a really shitty place right now and the lows are as bad as anything ive ever experienced. I go back and forth between KNOWING that she loves me and that her running again is not my fault. And then feeling like I fucked up. I knew she was FA when we started over and I couldn't keep my shit completely together when she was treating me poorly so... I shouldve done better... But I deserve better.... But I knew what I was getting into... But she said she knew she sabotaged things and she wanted help... But she canceled her appointment... I felt her distancing and shouldve looked elsewhere for reassurance... But she shouldve communicated with me.. And on and on like that. It's a never ending cycle of torturous overthinking and depression that I CANNOT get out of. It's so defeating to want something so badly, do everything you can to make it work, and then fall short just like every other time. Hey Chris...ruminating is a very typical pattern for APs....I do it too. I think it somehow is a twisted way to get control over a situation that we don't have control over..at least, not the other person. We alternate between self blame and blaming the other person...and the only thing that has worked for me is to write the thoughts down on paper and then write out the truth..such as... The lie my thoughts are telling me: I should have done better. The truth is I did the best I could with the information and awareness I had at the time. It takes 2 people to chose to be in a relationship and I casnot take all the burden. And so on....it is really important to move away from blame and shame because while they may make us feel temporarily like we have an answer..they are not based in love, compassion or caring for ourself or the other person. Just a thought. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2018 17:31:44 GMT
Thank you both. I mean that with all sincerity. I'm sorry if I came across as snappy in my response to you Juniper. I know that my hope is misplaced and unrealistic. I know that I'm pining over potential and not reality. And I know that theres nothing I can do to change the situation. I hate to admit it because I willingly keep playing this game with her. But I'm in a really shitty place right now and the lows are as bad as anything ive ever experienced. I go back and forth between KNOWING that she loves me and that her running again is not my fault. And then feeling like I fucked up. I knew she was FA when we started over and I couldn't keep my shit completely together when she was treating me poorly so... I shouldve done better... But I deserve better.... But I knew what I was getting into... But she said she knew she sabotaged things and she wanted help... But she canceled her appointment... I felt her distancing and shouldve looked elsewhere for reassurance... But she shouldve communicated with me.. And on and on like that. It's a never ending cycle of torturous overthinking and depression that I CANNOT get out of. It's so defeating to want something so badly, do everything you can to make it work, and then fall short just like every other time. no apology necessary at all. i'm going to confess that i challenged you for a reason and here is why, please forgive it and know it came from a good place. I know as a crossfit athlete you are strong and tough in many ways. That activity is based in thriving and being up for the task, any task, and being undaunted. It's a mentality you bring to your training and reinforce with your friends and you all push each other and make each other stronger. i know that you have a persevering nature and that you view challenges as opportunities to expand your ability, endurance, and determination to succeed. I've no doubt that you are a strong person, and that you will do what it takes to tackle things head on and get them done. Honestly, i hoped to turn the focus off the plot line and onto what is going on inside of you, because as strong as any of us are, this stuff is agonizing, frightening, and can take the strongest of us to our knees. we know all about the patterns and story lines, we all have lived the roller coaster of insecure attachment. And, we all have a degree of empathy for her and her plight. But she isn't here, obviously, lookin for support, you are. This is horrible for you, So. i just hoped that you would open up the box of pain in your chest so people here could help you unpack and take care of things. It's good to share how this is impacting you. It isn't weak, it isn't pathetic or anything even though it feels like it. I was just sharing how embarrassed i am to read my posts when i got here , i felt very raw and pathetic in my threads about deactivation (the avoidant pain) . i shared what was going on in me that i felt completely powerless about and that was just agony and isolation for me. but i did get a lot of support and i have healed a lot just since then- it was just months ago. i've stayed close to support that can understand an empathize with my attachment wounding. It's something not everyone can understand and relate to, and keeping it bottled up can make you feel like a weak litttle freak. But that isn't the case. we aren't weak little freaks. We are people who have been impacted by things that happened when we were babies and little kids and the reality is, that stuff wired your brain a certain way and it sucks bad to live with faulty wiring. We have to re-wire. So, we get our tools out and re-wire together. It's like Emotional Crossfit- and we are all a community trying to get stronger, do better, move from just surviving to beast mode- emotionally lol. |
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Post by ocarina on Aug 13, 2018 17:31:58 GMT
Gosh this sounds so so painful - the bottom line for both of you, is that the dynamic isn't working. I feel greatly for you - and for your broken girlfriend, and you both sound as though you could do with some love. The problem is that you want to love her better whilst she needs to love herself more and promote her own healing. No amount of kindness and caring from you is going to solve her issues - and you will end up drowning with her.
Could you detach with love? For the sake of the girl - whose dysfunctional behaviour is only being enabled by having someone around to complete the circle and for your own sake?
I don't think there are any faults here - but there is a painful difficult pattern which requires one of you to break it. As Brokenbiscuit says - if she is at a place where she's able to access healing, then this may be enough to initiate some change - if not then at least you are sparing yourself more heartbreak.
Tough and tragic.
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Post by cspragu on Aug 13, 2018 23:36:20 GMT
Thank you both. I mean that with all sincerity. I'm sorry if I came across as snappy in my response to you Juniper. I know that my hope is misplaced and unrealistic. I know that I'm pining over potential and not reality. And I know that theres nothing I can do to change the situation. I hate to admit it because I willingly keep playing this game with her. But I'm in a really shitty place right now and the lows are as bad as anything ive ever experienced. I go back and forth between KNOWING that she loves me and that her running again is not my fault. And then feeling like I fucked up. I knew she was FA when we started over and I couldn't keep my shit completely together when she was treating me poorly so... I shouldve done better... But I deserve better.... But I knew what I was getting into... But she said she knew she sabotaged things and she wanted help... But she canceled her appointment... I felt her distancing and shouldve looked elsewhere for reassurance... But she shouldve communicated with me.. And on and on like that. It's a never ending cycle of torturous overthinking and depression that I CANNOT get out of. It's so defeating to want something so badly, do everything you can to make it work, and then fall short just like every other time. no apology necessary at all. i'm going to confess that i challenged you for a reason and here is why, please forgive it and know it came from a good place. I know as a crossfit athlete you are strong and tough in many ways. That activity is based in thriving and being up for the task, any task, and being undaunted. It's a mentality you bring to your training and reinforce with your friends and you all push each other and make each other stronger. i know that you have a persevering nature and that you view challenges as opportunities to expand your ability, endurance, and determination to succeed. I've no doubt that you are a strong person, and that you will do what it takes to tackle things head on and get them done. Honestly, i hoped to turn the focus off the plot line and onto what is going on inside of you, because as strong as any of us are, this stuff is agonizing, frightening, and can take the strongest of us to our knees. we know all about the patterns and story lines, we all have lived the roller coaster of insecure attachment. And, we all have a degree of empathy for her and her plight. But she isn't here, obviously, lookin for support, you are. This is horrible for you, So. i just hoped that you would open up the box of pain in your chest so people here could help you unpack and take care of things. It's good to share how this is impacting you. It isn't weak, it isn't pathetic or anything even though it feels like it. I was just sharing how embarrassed i am to read my posts when i got here , i felt very raw and pathetic in my threads about deactivation (the avoidant pain) . i shared what was going on in me that i felt completely powerless about and that was just agony and isolation for me. but i did get a lot of support and i have healed a lot just since then- it was just months ago. i've stayed close to support that can understand an empathize with my attachment wounding. It's something not everyone can understand and relate to, and keeping it bottled up can make you feel like a weak litttle freak. But that isn't the case. we aren't weak little freaks. We are people who have been impacted by things that happened when we were babies and little kids and the reality is, that stuff wired your brain a certain way and it sucks bad to live with faulty wiring. We have to re-wire. So, we get our tools out and re-wire together. It's like Emotional Crossfit- and we are all a community trying to get stronger, do better, move from just surviving to beast mode- emotionally lol. I did think I was up to the task. After the first breakup I found attachment theory and I literally purchased and read every book available on the topic. I bought all of Jebs and listened to them on repeat for months. I obsessively looked at her behavior and the things she had said and texted while we were together. I saw incongruency in her actions and words. I identified her deactivation strategies, etc. I knew she would come back and, when she did, I had the attitude that we would either work out or we would make each other better through mutual understanding and learning from the way we push each other’s buttons. But after a couple months it seems like that fell by the wayside. We couldn’t communicate with each other. I tried everything I could think of and nothing was effective. So it just ended up being a repeat of the last time. And it’s heartbreaking... I do feel pathetic. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I thought I could manage my anxiety through honest communication and hoped that she would be open to learning about herself as well. I not only allowed, but pursued this relationship and she discarded me like a piece of trash. I’ve never felt so worthless in my life. She said she loved me and I believed it. I latched onto it. I needed it so badly. And I thought that I love you meant that I won’t just quit on you. I thought it meant that I’m here for you and Im willing to do the work because I want this to work. But at the end of the day it doesn’t seem that I really mattered at all. At least that’s how it feels. And it’s a feeling I can’t get away from. My mom is a cold and rarely supportive shell of a person who would rather say “I told you so” than “I love you”. My dad moved away when I was 5 and, although I saw him a couple times a year, is a mans man who doesn’t show love or affection. My wife of 8 years really loved me once. I thrived when I had that security. Then she cheated on me twice and left with our son. It seems that I can’t count on anyone. And “ I love you” doesn’t mean anything anymore. I feel alone. I have so much stress in my life with my divorce and child custody battle. Bills for attorneys and my shoulder surgery. Trying to get my own place again so I can feel like a man. I desperately want someone who’s there for me that I can connect with and count on. But I can’t find it. The people who want to give that to me don’t seem to interest me for reasons that I don’t know if I can remedy. And I don’t really know what to do. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2018 0:03:50 GMT
cspragu , i hear your enormous pain. while i am a different attachment style, i can relate to the bottom dropping out like is happening for you now. With the divorce, custody battle, and severe rejection and betrayal you feel, from not one, but several key people in your life, you are in what sounds like a terribly dark and difficult time. It will take a lot to get to the other shore, and it isn't clear yet what all that will entail, but keep swimming. Once when i was in a similar place, a wise person explained to me the process a caterpillar goes through to become a butterfly. this isn't a story about girly stuff and glitter, don't worry. lol. it's something to keep in your pocket so you can maybe have hope because the processes in nature happen in our psyche as well and are really relevant illustrations. A caterpillar is an earth-bound creature, limited by its inability to fly. During its earth-bound days it just eats and eats and eats. it consumes. that's all it does really, consume. When it's time for it to begin its transformation, it weaves itself into the cocoon, it's isolated from all else. it's just in the dark, a chrysalis, and while it's in there, it completely breaks down at the cellular level. it digests itself , actually, turns to complete mush. But within that mush are cells that are ready to transform. The caterpillar completely rearranges itself into a new creature- with wings. It's no longer earthbound. It has the capacity to lift off, and fly. And it has a new job- it pollinates flowers. a very important job indeed. It's a brand new creature. This is a process not too unlike what happens when it's time for us to stop being earth-bound and limited. we go through a breaking down process, we rearrange ourselves , and develop new capacities, and have new gifts to give when the process is complete. I know it's not much help in practical terms for how to proceed. Those answers will come though, i think you can trust that. I do hope, that the butterfly story will give you a perspective that helps you endure and trust a larger, deep process. We aren't meant to stay limited forever. This is new territory for you, and you won't have to traverse it alone. Just keep going. 🌸 i'm sorry you're hurting. i really am. i understand. you're in the chrysalis stage with this.
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