Looking for advice from FA's

I really don't have anything to add..but I am here for you in this forum...and there are others who are here for you as well..so the thought that you are completely alone is not 100% accurate. Hang in there.

I responded by saying "stop running away from me...".

You want what you want. Her. You're a self confessed go getter, a competitive bloke.

However, she's in full flight, I'd say frightened out of her wits. Not frightened by you, but activated by her attachment wounding. 

The best thing you could do, hard as it is, is to leave her alone. Go on with your own life. She may reappear. In my case, it took me three months, by which time she'd actually felt her pain, recovered and moved on with someone else. 

The more important question for you is why you feel the need to pursue someone obviously unavailable. You could go on, saying she's the sick one, but it takes two to tango, as they say. 

it is my opinion (and illustrated by your story so far )
that an anxious preoccupied partner trying to help an avoidant fix their issues (or heal, change, trust) is like a person with no riding experience or understanding about horses on an experiential level, trying to break a wild horse.

it's like you'd like her to calm down so you can stay in the saddle- and every twitch you fall off anyway.

i don't know if you understand your own anxious preoccupied attachment as well as you understand her fearful avoidance (on a textbook level with selective attention to how she might be able to change to meet your needs) but you certainly don't have an experiential grip on it. You are fully acting out.

you are focusing on her in what may not be intentional "control" and it's really dysfunctional.
you are trying to get her to be secure so you can be secure.
it doesn't work that way but i will only say it once, you are very misguided.
you are very much in control mode.
you're trying to get her to be what you need her to be.
mutual relationships are forged between two people who are stable enough to be healthily independent and come together in healthy interdependence.
You are desperate for a partner you can rely on and chose one least likely to be a partner that is reliable.
if you look at anything other than your own dysfunction here you are doing what a typical codependent would do and the literature has clear advice about that.

so- we can talk about the story and her attachment style for pages (no one here will engage with that , probably- because people here are for the most part working on themselves after breakups with unavailable partners) BUT-

oh wait. i'm not going to engage about her attachment style because it's you that has a really dysfunctional style of attaching and engaging.
just you, you ask? your dysfunction is the only one you need to address because it's as glaring as hers, in the opposite direction.

people here are trying to tell you that, and it can't be overstated.
the best thing for her is to find a secure partner. let that sink in. your anxiety is not good for her.
i would never have been able to heal with an anxious partner because the triggering is harmful to both.

of course it would be advisable for you to find a secure partner but you aren't attracted, as you said.
that's your anxious preoccupation driving. your issues are so big, it's absurd to focus on hers at this point.

i apologize if this sounds harsh , it's really just an expansion of what's already been said, in many polite and sensitive ways, by other posters.

i stand by all the kindness and support i myself have offered , and still say, you are way out of bounds being all up in her attachment style as an insecure person yourself.

ah yeah, sorry, selective reading...

I read this three times. Then I walked out of my office, climbed in my car, and cried. All I hear when I read this is that I'm bad for her(someone I care deeply about) and that my "dysfunction" likely caused me to ruin the relationship. That she needs a partner who's better than me and that I can't give her what she needs and I'm selfish. That we would never work out and I'm foolish for not moving on and making way for a superior man to come along and give her what I never could. That's an impossible pill for me to swallow at this point. I'm sorry.

Of course I'm a little selfish. I've been in an off and on saga with this girl for over a year. Were all a little selfish at times. Even when we aspire not to be. Im selfish because I want her in my life and she continually expresses interest In being there. So lets do this. Maybe she does need a secure partner. But the literature also states that avoidant people tend to push secure people into anxiety over time and that a secure partner is unlikely to stick around for that. Im not AP in every relationship I get into. I realize that doesn't absolve me of the consequences of acting AP when I'm in that state. But the constant ups and downs, inability to communicate in a healthy(calm) manner, extremely inconsiderate comments and actions, intermittent reinforcement, compartmentalization, would drive anyone here bat shit crazy. Shes a good person and she loves me. So I need to understand. Even if thats just for the sake of closure.

Yes...I'm trying to gain some control over the situation. What other choice do I have besides be supportive or just ignore her? On Wednesday she said she loved me and in Friday there was "no place in her future" for me. WTF? It all spiraled out of control maddeningly fast. All I can do is try to pump the brakes and slow the descent while also being supportive. Maybe I am terribly misguided and I have no business trying to help her until I'm perfectly healthy myself. If such a state even exists. But I'm the only person shes discussed this with. I'm the only person in her life who sees these behaviors because of the nature of our relationship. I'm the only one who's made the effort to try and figure out what's going on so I feel compelled to try and help her when she reaches out by at least pointing her in the right direction.

I'm a detective by profession. I'm pretty good at it because I'm overly analytical. In other words.... I'm a hyper focused problem solver who NEEDS to understand the totality of the situation. All of it. I'm happy to discuss my feelings and submit myself for analysis and criticism. Trust me...nobody is more critical of me than I am. So lay it on me. I have abandonment issues and a desperate need for intimate connection. I'm all ears if anyone has any ideas regarding what to do about that other than therapy. I have an appointment with another therapist on Thursday for EMDR, which I've done in the past. In the meantime, if i don't talk about this I'm gonna lose my shit.

anne12 , i think it's a little misguided for you, a non-attachment injured individual ( from what i understand?) to minimize the dynamic here between a severely anxious partner (losing his shit) and a very FA partner.

have you experienced this yourself or are you just an observer? 

There is something to actually experiencing insecure attachment when advising someone who is losing their shit over an unavailable partner. not that your input isn't appreciated but i am seeing your lack of understanding in this post. 

what he is doing is very codependent- he is not a secure person trying to understand, he is a VERY insecure person trying to manage another person's insecurity, in order to manage his own. 

anne- you do not reveal your story here beyond posting self help, except for an occasional reference to something that does not illuminate your particular attachment style.

so forgive any misunderstanding of mine, but i have little recognition from you yourself about any attachment wounding.

everyone else here is pretty up front about what they struggle with. i only know you as a poster of self help information.

and here is a fairly common definition of codependency.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency