Post by cspragu on Aug 2, 2018 14:53:18 GMT
I apologize in advance for the extreme length of this post. Please bear with me. It's a complicated situation. I would greatly appreciate input from the FA's here. DA's or anyone else are welcome to chime in too. I'm at my wits end...
I met my ex in April 2017 at my CrossFit gym. Shes tall, beautiful, athletic, outgoing, and very kind. She was 25 at the time, 26 now. Had been engaged a couple years before to a guy that she was in a 4 year relationship with. She left him but they still keep in touch. Shes ended every relationship shes had since then either before or around the 6 month mark. Im 33 and seperated for 2 years from my wife of 8 years. The divorce is non contested, it's just taking a while because were fighting over parenting time with our 2 year old son. She cheated twice and, along with issues stemming from my childhood, its contributed to some AP tendencies on my part.
The girl in question is one of those people who's smile and presence lights up a room when she enters. Just a magnetic and warm personality. We began talking in June 2017 and immediately hit it off. One of those crazy chemistry situations that seems so common in those with opposing attachment styles. We could go anywhere and just sit and talk for 5 or 6 hours at a time. It was great.
Things progressed quickly from there and I had some mutual friends tell me to "go slow" and that she tends to "sabotage relationships". I'm a competitive guy with generally high self esteem so...challenge accepted was my attitude at the time. Despite the advice I was given, we did NOT go slow. Things progressed quickly and within a couple weeks we were sexually intimate and soon I was crashing at her place a few days a week.
Early on she came to me out of nowhere and said she thought we should stop what we were doing. She said that she feared things would go bad and it would affect the gym. She had dated another guy from the gym a year prior and broke it off when he told her he loved her. He left the gym and she harbored some guilt over that. The breakup lasted approximately 24 hours at which point she said she wanted to start over. So we did...
Everything was great at first and then, after a couple weeks, the arguments started. We would go out in social situations and she would wander off and hardly interact with me at all. She had started a new job that required travel every other weekend, which was ok. But she would also go out of town with friends frequently and would never include me in her plans. The relationship felt very compartmentalized. She did other things that you typically hear of avoidants doing. Telling me that I was the closest thing to love since her ex fiance(she left him) but wouldnt say she loved me. Talking about how hot other guys are frequently. Getting immediately defensive and angry if I tried to talk to her about something going on between us that was bothering me, etc. 4 months in we got into an argument after leaving a friends house and she broke up with me completely out of the blue. No warning, no discussion, no emotion.
I was scheduled to have shoulder surgery two weeks later. A few days after breaking up, she texted me and offered to come stay with me the weekend after the surgery to help me out. She continuously assured me that she wanted to do so over the next couple weeks. I had the surgery and the time came for her to show up...but she didnt. She blew me off at the last second and I expressed my disappointment in how she left me in a bind. My expression of hurt and disappointment apparently caused her to have an extremely emotional reaction/panic attack. I cut her off and went no contact so I could move on. During that time I found Jebs work on attachment and ingested every single book and resource I could on the subject. At that point, I realized that she was an avoidant.
About a month later my gym threw a Christmas party and she was all over me like nothing had happenned. She was saying she wanted to kiss me, that she missed me, that she was sorry, etc. She also said that she doesnt feel like she can trust a man. We went to dinner the next night for several hours and she had a very emotional breakdown while talking about how her father(abandoned her and was possibly a narcissist) affected her. She stated that she thinks she needs to go to therapy and said some amazing and enlightened things to me. She had clearly done some reflecting.
We continued talking for the next 5 days and then she pulled a 180 and fell off the radar. I gave her some space for a few days and then tried to arrange a time to meet up the next weekend. She gave me an excuse for each day I asked about, so I told her to disregard and that I wasnt sure what the deal was but it was clear that she wasnt interested. She insisted that we meet that very night. We had a long emotional talk in my car. She said she could never love me because we argue and that we couldn't be more than friends because I bring out some emotions in her that she doesnt want to see again. While shes telling me these things shes running her fingers through my hair and also saying that I "keep her sane" and "know more about her than anyone else". I said I couldn't just be friends and that we should go back to not talking. She hugged me and left.
I was back in the gym a few weeks later having recovered enough from surgery to start working out again. On days she was there I would essentially just ignore her. Not in a petty or rude way. But I needed to take care of myself and still had feelings for her. It wasnt long before she started taking available opportunities to say hello and otherwise try and interact with me whenever possible. I'd get the occasional "I miss you" text late at night, but when I tried to arrange a time to talk she wouldnt commit.
In April of this year she reached out and invited me to come watch the sunset with her down at the beach. I accepted the invitation and we sat and talked for hours. We did the same thing two days later. She apologized and stated that she had run away from the relationship the first time, hadnt been there for me like I was for her, and wasnt ready for what she had been feeling. She mentioned that she sabotaged things and I took the opportunity to explain attachment and avoidance to her.
The next Sunday we spent all day together. We talked about what had gone wrong and that communication was the key to navigating our issues. She agreed and again said that she needed to go to counseling. I ended up staying at her place. We were intimate and it was great....as usual.
She had mentioned feeling smothered the first time around so I let her do 70 to 80% of the initiating when it came to texting or hanging out. Things progressed very quickly again and soon I was staying over several nights a week. Everything was great for the first few weeks and she told me that she loved me about a month and a half in. But as we settled into a serious relationship the same issues began popping up.
She would always ask me at the last minute to come stay over. She had done that the first go round too and it had been a point of contention then. I asked repeatedly that she please give me some advanced notice when possible so I could plan for what I needed and also so I could make plans for myself if she was gonna be busy. She would get defensive and angry when I brought it up. She continued to talk about how other guys were good looking in front of me but would express sadness and jealousy if I did the same around her. She would make plans and not give me much heads up or fill me in on details. But, the single time that I did something similar she got upset. When I pressed her to tell me what she was really feeling she said jealousy. I asked if she wanted me to come over when I was done. At first she said no but then admitted that she wasn't sure why she said that because she wanted to hug me. She even told me one evening(after drinking) that I give alot and she takes alot but doesnt give much back. I asked her how that made her feel and she said "like shit". I asked why it was that way and she said because she had given so much to her fiance and it hadn't been returned so she was being selfish.
As things went on the double standards and inability to talk to her about them made me more and more anxious. I couldn't have a discussion face to face because shed get defensive. Couldnt text her about it because she do the same. And couldnt get her to suggest an alternate method for us to address concerns.
We went to an Airbnb for a couple days last month and we had an awesome time just hanging out together. While there her ex fiance called twice and I told her she should answer in case its an emergency. She did and he said his cousin was having a hard time and thought maybe she could help out. She said she was gonna see if his cousin wanted to come down to visit our area(they have alot of family here she could stay with). After two days at the airbnb we met some friends for a weekend camping trip. Much like other social situations though she largely ignored me while we were camping. On the second day I told her the I felt like I could've not been there and that she wouldn't have noticed. A fight ensued, per the usual, and she ignored me for the remainder of the night. She went off and played drinking games and I sat and tried to talk to friends to distract myself. At 1 am she came stumbling into the tent extremely drunk. Told me she loved me about 15 times. Said she was so mad. Said were "mean" to each other, and some other stuff I didn't understand.
The next day we packed up and left and she was quiet, but affectionate on the way home. She asked me to stay that night and I did. The next day she came with me to see the therapist I'd been seeing since she and I broke up the first time. When he asked her how she thought everything wa going she said she thought it was going great. When asked if she loved me she said yes. We talked about the camping trip debacle and both agreed we couldve handled it better. This was two weeks ago.
The very next night she told me to just assume that she wanted me to stay over every night. I relented and said ok. The following evening she said she was gonna go grab a beer with an old male friend of hers. I told her to have fun and and let me know when she was done, assuming id be staying over. 4.5 hours later I texted her that I was going to bed and that she must be having one hell of a conversation. I didn't know this guy at all, didnt know where they were, and hadn't heard anything from her in 5 hours. None of those things are a huge deal alone...but she would not have appreciated me doing that to her.... So it upset me. She apologized and said she loved me. The next day I was still a little bothered by it all and wanted to talk it out. She got defensive as usual and started yelling. She then said that we should see less of each other. I told her that if she needs space then I'll give it to her but that its hard hearing those words from her. She said she doesn't understand why it would make me sad that I dont "want her up my ass". Then she asked me to stay the night.
She went out of town the next day for the weekend and was pretty distant. I knew she needed space so I gave it to her. She called me drunk one night and said that she thinks something is wrong with her and she doesnt feel things like I do. She also said she thinks shes better off alone. She passed out drunk on the phone. On sunday she camehome and asked me to come stay over. So I did. She had a girls night the next night. I stayed over the night after and took her to dinner. The next day I had my son and she hung out with family. We talked on the phone and texted some and she said she loved me. She informed me later that her ex fiances cousin was coming down a day early to stay with her for the weekend. Hearing that really bummed me out because I assumed we would see each other that night and wasnt sure when we would see each other again afterward. I was also bothered that she hadn't thought to ask if it would bother me that she invite this girl down to stay, given who she was. She could tell it bothered me when she said it but her response was "dont be so bothered by it".
The next morning she texted me when she got up. I sent her a message telling her that the last couple weeks had left me feeling pretty anxious and unconsidered and I wanted to talk to her about it but wasnt sure how or if i could. She responded with a text saying i shouldn't feel that way and to tell her why I did. I responded with a lengthy message that outlined everything that had occurred over the last two weeks. Her response was "so basically im selfish and inconsiderate". This is a typical response from her where shes dismissive of my feelings and instead chooses to be a victim. I sent a series of long messages talking about how we had to find a way to communicate better. We went back and forth and then she stopped responding. A few hours later she shared an old post on Facebook that concerned me because it alluded to her feeling alone and like someone wanted her to change.
I took the rest of the day off and texted her asking her to please give me 5 minutes to meet her and talk when she was available. We met and I gave her a tearful apology saying that my intention was not to make her sad or to feel bad and that I was sorry if that's how she interpreted it. She listened and then she ended the relationship. She was fighting back tears but was also contemptuous and said that there was no room in her future for this(picking up her phone and referring to the texts). We walked out of the restaurant and she gave me a long hug and said she wanted to talk some time this week and didn't want it to be like last time where I didnt speak to her.
I went straight to my therapists office and let him read everything just to make sure I wasnt out of line. He said that they were an obvious plea for better communication and connection but there was nothing offensive, aggressive, or malicious. He believed that she viewed it all as criticism and that it overwhelmed her. I believe he's correct. I left there and texted her and said that I needed to pick up some stuff from her place. She said to come grab what I needed. I got there and grabbed my stuff and as I was leaving she asked what I was doing that night. I said I didnt know. She told me to be careful and then slapped me on the ass as I walked out.
None of this makes sense. She said some pretty amazing things to me with some regularity while we were together. I really appreciated those remarks and it makes everything all the more confusing. She told me she loved me with increasing frequency. Said I was the best sex she had ever had, by far. Said that she was thankful for me. Said that she didnt deserve me. Said I was "too hot" for her(nonsense). Said I was the most interesting person shes ever met, etc. She literally said she loved me on Wedbesday and then decided to end it on Thursday.
I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. Help....
I met my ex in April 2017 at my CrossFit gym. Shes tall, beautiful, athletic, outgoing, and very kind. She was 25 at the time, 26 now. Had been engaged a couple years before to a guy that she was in a 4 year relationship with. She left him but they still keep in touch. Shes ended every relationship shes had since then either before or around the 6 month mark. Im 33 and seperated for 2 years from my wife of 8 years. The divorce is non contested, it's just taking a while because were fighting over parenting time with our 2 year old son. She cheated twice and, along with issues stemming from my childhood, its contributed to some AP tendencies on my part.
The girl in question is one of those people who's smile and presence lights up a room when she enters. Just a magnetic and warm personality. We began talking in June 2017 and immediately hit it off. One of those crazy chemistry situations that seems so common in those with opposing attachment styles. We could go anywhere and just sit and talk for 5 or 6 hours at a time. It was great.
Things progressed quickly from there and I had some mutual friends tell me to "go slow" and that she tends to "sabotage relationships". I'm a competitive guy with generally high self esteem so...challenge accepted was my attitude at the time. Despite the advice I was given, we did NOT go slow. Things progressed quickly and within a couple weeks we were sexually intimate and soon I was crashing at her place a few days a week.
Early on she came to me out of nowhere and said she thought we should stop what we were doing. She said that she feared things would go bad and it would affect the gym. She had dated another guy from the gym a year prior and broke it off when he told her he loved her. He left the gym and she harbored some guilt over that. The breakup lasted approximately 24 hours at which point she said she wanted to start over. So we did...
Everything was great at first and then, after a couple weeks, the arguments started. We would go out in social situations and she would wander off and hardly interact with me at all. She had started a new job that required travel every other weekend, which was ok. But she would also go out of town with friends frequently and would never include me in her plans. The relationship felt very compartmentalized. She did other things that you typically hear of avoidants doing. Telling me that I was the closest thing to love since her ex fiance(she left him) but wouldnt say she loved me. Talking about how hot other guys are frequently. Getting immediately defensive and angry if I tried to talk to her about something going on between us that was bothering me, etc. 4 months in we got into an argument after leaving a friends house and she broke up with me completely out of the blue. No warning, no discussion, no emotion.
I was scheduled to have shoulder surgery two weeks later. A few days after breaking up, she texted me and offered to come stay with me the weekend after the surgery to help me out. She continuously assured me that she wanted to do so over the next couple weeks. I had the surgery and the time came for her to show up...but she didnt. She blew me off at the last second and I expressed my disappointment in how she left me in a bind. My expression of hurt and disappointment apparently caused her to have an extremely emotional reaction/panic attack. I cut her off and went no contact so I could move on. During that time I found Jebs work on attachment and ingested every single book and resource I could on the subject. At that point, I realized that she was an avoidant.
About a month later my gym threw a Christmas party and she was all over me like nothing had happenned. She was saying she wanted to kiss me, that she missed me, that she was sorry, etc. She also said that she doesnt feel like she can trust a man. We went to dinner the next night for several hours and she had a very emotional breakdown while talking about how her father(abandoned her and was possibly a narcissist) affected her. She stated that she thinks she needs to go to therapy and said some amazing and enlightened things to me. She had clearly done some reflecting.
We continued talking for the next 5 days and then she pulled a 180 and fell off the radar. I gave her some space for a few days and then tried to arrange a time to meet up the next weekend. She gave me an excuse for each day I asked about, so I told her to disregard and that I wasnt sure what the deal was but it was clear that she wasnt interested. She insisted that we meet that very night. We had a long emotional talk in my car. She said she could never love me because we argue and that we couldn't be more than friends because I bring out some emotions in her that she doesnt want to see again. While shes telling me these things shes running her fingers through my hair and also saying that I "keep her sane" and "know more about her than anyone else". I said I couldn't just be friends and that we should go back to not talking. She hugged me and left.
I was back in the gym a few weeks later having recovered enough from surgery to start working out again. On days she was there I would essentially just ignore her. Not in a petty or rude way. But I needed to take care of myself and still had feelings for her. It wasnt long before she started taking available opportunities to say hello and otherwise try and interact with me whenever possible. I'd get the occasional "I miss you" text late at night, but when I tried to arrange a time to talk she wouldnt commit.
In April of this year she reached out and invited me to come watch the sunset with her down at the beach. I accepted the invitation and we sat and talked for hours. We did the same thing two days later. She apologized and stated that she had run away from the relationship the first time, hadnt been there for me like I was for her, and wasnt ready for what she had been feeling. She mentioned that she sabotaged things and I took the opportunity to explain attachment and avoidance to her.
The next Sunday we spent all day together. We talked about what had gone wrong and that communication was the key to navigating our issues. She agreed and again said that she needed to go to counseling. I ended up staying at her place. We were intimate and it was great....as usual.
She had mentioned feeling smothered the first time around so I let her do 70 to 80% of the initiating when it came to texting or hanging out. Things progressed very quickly again and soon I was staying over several nights a week. Everything was great for the first few weeks and she told me that she loved me about a month and a half in. But as we settled into a serious relationship the same issues began popping up.
She would always ask me at the last minute to come stay over. She had done that the first go round too and it had been a point of contention then. I asked repeatedly that she please give me some advanced notice when possible so I could plan for what I needed and also so I could make plans for myself if she was gonna be busy. She would get defensive and angry when I brought it up. She continued to talk about how other guys were good looking in front of me but would express sadness and jealousy if I did the same around her. She would make plans and not give me much heads up or fill me in on details. But, the single time that I did something similar she got upset. When I pressed her to tell me what she was really feeling she said jealousy. I asked if she wanted me to come over when I was done. At first she said no but then admitted that she wasn't sure why she said that because she wanted to hug me. She even told me one evening(after drinking) that I give alot and she takes alot but doesnt give much back. I asked her how that made her feel and she said "like shit". I asked why it was that way and she said because she had given so much to her fiance and it hadn't been returned so she was being selfish.
As things went on the double standards and inability to talk to her about them made me more and more anxious. I couldn't have a discussion face to face because shed get defensive. Couldnt text her about it because she do the same. And couldnt get her to suggest an alternate method for us to address concerns.
We went to an Airbnb for a couple days last month and we had an awesome time just hanging out together. While there her ex fiance called twice and I told her she should answer in case its an emergency. She did and he said his cousin was having a hard time and thought maybe she could help out. She said she was gonna see if his cousin wanted to come down to visit our area(they have alot of family here she could stay with). After two days at the airbnb we met some friends for a weekend camping trip. Much like other social situations though she largely ignored me while we were camping. On the second day I told her the I felt like I could've not been there and that she wouldn't have noticed. A fight ensued, per the usual, and she ignored me for the remainder of the night. She went off and played drinking games and I sat and tried to talk to friends to distract myself. At 1 am she came stumbling into the tent extremely drunk. Told me she loved me about 15 times. Said she was so mad. Said were "mean" to each other, and some other stuff I didn't understand.
The next day we packed up and left and she was quiet, but affectionate on the way home. She asked me to stay that night and I did. The next day she came with me to see the therapist I'd been seeing since she and I broke up the first time. When he asked her how she thought everything wa going she said she thought it was going great. When asked if she loved me she said yes. We talked about the camping trip debacle and both agreed we couldve handled it better. This was two weeks ago.
The very next night she told me to just assume that she wanted me to stay over every night. I relented and said ok. The following evening she said she was gonna go grab a beer with an old male friend of hers. I told her to have fun and and let me know when she was done, assuming id be staying over. 4.5 hours later I texted her that I was going to bed and that she must be having one hell of a conversation. I didn't know this guy at all, didnt know where they were, and hadn't heard anything from her in 5 hours. None of those things are a huge deal alone...but she would not have appreciated me doing that to her.... So it upset me. She apologized and said she loved me. The next day I was still a little bothered by it all and wanted to talk it out. She got defensive as usual and started yelling. She then said that we should see less of each other. I told her that if she needs space then I'll give it to her but that its hard hearing those words from her. She said she doesn't understand why it would make me sad that I dont "want her up my ass". Then she asked me to stay the night.
She went out of town the next day for the weekend and was pretty distant. I knew she needed space so I gave it to her. She called me drunk one night and said that she thinks something is wrong with her and she doesnt feel things like I do. She also said she thinks shes better off alone. She passed out drunk on the phone. On sunday she camehome and asked me to come stay over. So I did. She had a girls night the next night. I stayed over the night after and took her to dinner. The next day I had my son and she hung out with family. We talked on the phone and texted some and she said she loved me. She informed me later that her ex fiances cousin was coming down a day early to stay with her for the weekend. Hearing that really bummed me out because I assumed we would see each other that night and wasnt sure when we would see each other again afterward. I was also bothered that she hadn't thought to ask if it would bother me that she invite this girl down to stay, given who she was. She could tell it bothered me when she said it but her response was "dont be so bothered by it".
The next morning she texted me when she got up. I sent her a message telling her that the last couple weeks had left me feeling pretty anxious and unconsidered and I wanted to talk to her about it but wasnt sure how or if i could. She responded with a text saying i shouldn't feel that way and to tell her why I did. I responded with a lengthy message that outlined everything that had occurred over the last two weeks. Her response was "so basically im selfish and inconsiderate". This is a typical response from her where shes dismissive of my feelings and instead chooses to be a victim. I sent a series of long messages talking about how we had to find a way to communicate better. We went back and forth and then she stopped responding. A few hours later she shared an old post on Facebook that concerned me because it alluded to her feeling alone and like someone wanted her to change.
I took the rest of the day off and texted her asking her to please give me 5 minutes to meet her and talk when she was available. We met and I gave her a tearful apology saying that my intention was not to make her sad or to feel bad and that I was sorry if that's how she interpreted it. She listened and then she ended the relationship. She was fighting back tears but was also contemptuous and said that there was no room in her future for this(picking up her phone and referring to the texts). We walked out of the restaurant and she gave me a long hug and said she wanted to talk some time this week and didn't want it to be like last time where I didnt speak to her.
I went straight to my therapists office and let him read everything just to make sure I wasnt out of line. He said that they were an obvious plea for better communication and connection but there was nothing offensive, aggressive, or malicious. He believed that she viewed it all as criticism and that it overwhelmed her. I believe he's correct. I left there and texted her and said that I needed to pick up some stuff from her place. She said to come grab what I needed. I got there and grabbed my stuff and as I was leaving she asked what I was doing that night. I said I didnt know. She told me to be careful and then slapped me on the ass as I walked out.
None of this makes sense. She said some pretty amazing things to me with some regularity while we were together. I really appreciated those remarks and it makes everything all the more confusing. She told me she loved me with increasing frequency. Said I was the best sex she had ever had, by far. Said that she was thankful for me. Said that she didnt deserve me. Said I was "too hot" for her(nonsense). Said I was the most interesting person shes ever met, etc. She literally said she loved me on Wedbesday and then decided to end it on Thursday.
I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. Help....
