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Post by alexandra on Aug 14, 2018 20:01:35 GMT
It is a step forward. I admit, I read all the FA posts and noticed there wasn't one story about a push-pull relationship overcoming the issues (at least if both partners aren't at the same point in the process of healing their attachment), and that made me feel sad and hopeless at first.
But it's not about a complete lack of hope. It's about understanding the complexity and magnitude of this kind of undertaking and, more importantly, how much of it is truly not in your control. How it's no one's "fault," it just is.
And how helpful it will end up being to you long-term to work on yourself and be able to recognize healthier dynamics in future relationships.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2018 20:10:47 GMT
Its horrible. At least in the back of my mind I always had hope. Now, after reading all of this, I don't. And that's another thing to grieve. we are all very, very sympathetic, empathetic, to your grief. That, you can trust. đ¸ |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2018 21:36:23 GMT
also, i'm secure because i've done so many years of work and then focused intensely on my own attachment issues in my last relationship. and continue to engage myself in healing practices around my own issues, daily. i have never paid much attention to my partners issues, i paid attention to what was going on with me and how to manage it. our relationship became more secure over time with very little discussion about it.
i don't do the ap/avoidant dynamic, though, and i wouldn't.
i'm earned secure/dismissive. my origins are severe dismissive.
my needs and preferences in a relationship are not compatible for anxiously inclined partner.
and vice versa.
i have even activated a dismissive into anxiety- that's how deactivated i can be. lol. but anyway, it's good to know yourself inside and out before you go trying to figure out anyone else.
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Post by goldilocks on Aug 14, 2018 21:55:59 GMT
Even after earning security, I think former DA can have a good relationship with each other and with very secure people. I have had two good relationships with secure guys. I think earned secure/DA and earned secure/FA can also work if both people are willing to communicate openly and continuously work on themselves and the relationship.
I would not try with an AP, our needs would conflict and I would deactivate during conflicts. I have an AP friend, and we liked each other. We can get along online or for a few days. Yet, the idea of spending more than a week with him completely deactivated me and every conflict brings out the worst in each of us. I don't like myself when in conflict with him, that is not who I want to be. I also find the interaction to be draining beyond a couple of days.
Knowing that I can spend a week with a secure, why would I choose to be with an AP? I could enjoy an AP for one date a week, but that type of relationship would trigger the AP severely. I could tolerate spending weekends together, but that would be tiring for me. I would need at least a day every week without my job and without the AP to relax. That is just bad energy management. I could have more closeness with less expenditure of energy with a secure.
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Post by mrob on Aug 14, 2018 21:57:52 GMT
Its horrible. At least in the back of my mind I always had hope. Now, after reading all of this, I don't. And that's another thing to grieve. Iâm sorry. I really am. This stuff is so painful. The expectations are the main reason my ex-wife and I get on better now than we did when we were married. There arenât any. She doesnât have the investment, doesnât want to change me. The relief is amazing still, after 3 years. We can actually be ourselves. After my second marriage, where I did the best I could to shove this attachment stuff down, until I couldnât, and ultimately acted out in a really bad way, I decided I would live âauthenticallyâ. What that turned into was loudly living this circle of sickness. If you want to see what that looks like from my side, check out my first few posts. I read Jebâs book, it made me physically sick, and led me to attempt suicide. But, it led me to therapy; to not using a relationship to fill the void and to actually get some perspective and acceptance. Where to from here? No idea. Will there ever be a relationship that doesnât trigger me and damage someone else? I donât know, and that does make me despair somewhat. Grief isnât always a bad thing, it can be an impetus for change. And the only person one can change is themselves. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2018 21:59:26 GMT
and that's what all literature supports and recommends-
insecurely attached persons working toward secure with a secure partner.
so, in my recent relationship, which continues to be emotionally intimate and rewarding, with no conflict patterns, i am earned secure, he more dismissive.
we aren't polar opposites, so we're able to evolve without too much damage done on either side.
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Post by goldilocks on Aug 14, 2018 22:17:42 GMT
DA+ secure/DA would at least not get into a conflict trap, nor trigger each other.
The relationship might be hard to get off the ground, but once committed, I would expect a rewarding union. It may not have the level of closeness an AP or secure would prefer, but the DA party is neither triggered nor abused, which is a good start.
Relationships with AP are very risky for DA.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2018 22:45:25 GMT
DA+ secure/DA would at least not get into a conflict trap, nor trigger each other. The relationship might be hard to get off the ground, but once committed, I would expect a rewarding union. It may not have the level of closeness an AP or secure would prefer, but the DA party is neither triggered nor abused, which is a good start. Relationships with AP are very risky for DA. really, and i mean this- i think on paper it might seem hard to get off the ground- but as sexual as most of the dismissives i know are, it's not as difficult to show up consistently as one might think. even when i deactivated from my man we tried to make sure we could be together for an amazing romp- and because we ultimately bonded through casual sex, i mean, theory only goes so far and other factors weigh more heavily than one might think. there's a danger of over-conceptualizing, in all of this. We had the best sex of our lives together and still laugh about how we are stuck together forever even if we go without it, because of it. go figure. đ |
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Post by goldilocks on Aug 14, 2018 22:56:20 GMT
I'm so complicated and in my own way. Being both really sexual, yet also having a lot of self restriction about sex as I do not want to complicate things or start something unseemly, maybe I am better off transmuting my raw sexuality.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2018 23:03:58 GMT
I'm so complicated and in my own way. Being both really sexual, yet also having a lot of self restriction about sex as I do not want to complicate things or start something unseemly, maybe I am better off transmuting my raw sexuality. it will be your unique path! đ¸ |
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Post by goldilocks on Aug 14, 2018 23:11:30 GMT
Check your email :-)
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Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2018 12:57:50 GMT
cspraguchecking in on you, i know this is a terrible time.
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Post by cspragu on Aug 15, 2018 20:31:35 GMT
cspraguchecking in on you, i know this is a terrible time. Thanks juniper. I saw her at the gym yesterday for the first time since we broke up(about 2 weeks). We both got visibly anxious when we saw the other one and her feelings were on her face the whole time. She did say hello and I said hey back. I worked out and left to go do a fun run with a buddy of mine. She called me while I was doing that and asked if I wanted to meet and talk. I said sure and she picked me up and we grabbed some food and then headed back to my place to finish the talk. She ended up cuddling up to me while we discussed what happened and how we each felt. She mentioned that she was grateful for the two weeks of not feeling like she needed to be responsible for communicating with anyone. She said that having to communicate her needs is exhausting and that I should just know(seriously). Then she started with the kissing and you can imagine where it went from there. She was extremely passionate/connected throughout. She was clearly craving intimacy. Afterwards, She ends up laying on me, crying, saying that she doesnât understand why we have such a hard time communicating while weâre dating. I asked her if she was interested in understanding the dynamic and she said yes. I explained how we trigger each other and why. She ends up crying again saying that she doesnât know what to do, etc. We parted ways after a few hours. Iâm sure Iâm gonna catch some flack for that here. But it did make me feel better...naturally. Whatever happens next I donât know and Iâm not pushing for anything. I just want to be happy and get/feel better. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2018 21:46:09 GMT
you won't catch any flack from me, i get how good it feels to reconnect.
and, while everyone on this board has input and advice for you, i believe everyone is trying to respond to where you're at, to support you with their experience and encouragement and real talk the best they can.
Nobody here suffers from your relationships, really, or has a vested interest in any outcome. So that's not where the input comes from, it's to meet you where you're at.
If she can gain awareness of her attachment style, the original wounding and messaging that short-circuited her ability for her to meet her own intimacy and relationship needs in a healthy way, everyone here would support that, certainly. Nobody knows what her path is.
I am glad that you are willing to be candid and open on the boards, i know yesterday was a tough day for you. I'd encourage you to keep showing up if you find it helpful, wherever you happen to be at any given time. it's a good place to practice authenticity about what's going on inside of you, and there's someone, even several someones, at any given time, who will empathize completely and know your insides as well as you do because they've been there.
So, onward, whatever that looks like, just keep on keeping it real and walk it out the best you can. Every day will present its own challenges, all you can do is take one step at a time and hopefully, stay close to healing resources.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 15, 2018 22:23:29 GMT
No flack here, either. It happens. I've done it, and seen it all the way through (with different people).
But do continue taking care of yourself. Stay honest with yourself about where things are at throughout this process. Consider re-reading your first post. Her behavior is well within her normal pattern. She ran into you, got anxious, felt you were withdrawn, and pursued a reconnection in response. She didn't seek you out after engaging in self-work.
I think your gut will know if she's still acting out her cycles or if there's any real change. There's going to be tells in how she's talking about it and in her follow up.
I knew my last FA ex wasn't ready yet when he did a big pull a few months ago during quasi-dating (I rated him about a 75% ready at the time), but I wanted it to work. I thought he could keep doing his work to get to 100% while we were reconciling, and that when he committed to asking me to get back together it meant he was done at least with running at the first sign of discomfort. Didn't work out that way at all, because 75% ready wasn't enough. I'd never been in that situation before, though, so I did the best I could with what I knew... now I know more.
What I've learned from letting a few insecurely attached guys I care about cycle back is they really have to come to you, totally unbidden. Not because they saw you and are reacting to it, not because you've sought them out and think it's worth another chance. If they're courageous enough to come back to you, it demonstrates they've started the work that can make this longer-term successful (check out ocarina 's recent update).
I hope you keep feeling better and watching out for yourself.
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