Is everyone's self esteem really either high or low?

Self esteem can certainly be more complicated that high or low or even a continuum. I’d say most people exist somewhere on a continuum and osiclate in a fairly narrow range but not everyone. Some people have high self esteem in some areas and low in others. I’m not talking about moments of doubt, everyone has that. Some people have high self esteem in there abilities and achievements but ow self esteem in their social abilities. I have been pulling back from someone whom I can’t tell if they are AP or FA, extremely anxious at the very least. His self esteem is very complicated. He over estimates his intelligence and ability to read people, is very confident in his looks and charisma when he needs it, thinks he can do just about anything if he puts his mind to it and thinks everyone wants to be or should want to be him. Flip side, he knows he is bad at realarionships. He often blames his partners or partner choice but at times shows real introspection that deep down he knows it’s his fault. He thinks of himself as a bad person and writes a lot of fiction about a gay couple, the evil one is who he really is, the good one is the one he wishes he could be. He’s very aware that most people don’t like him rather quickly but is unsure why and very often literally thinks his problems are everyone else being wrong about how things should be. I’ve never met anyone with simultaneously such high and low self esteem, which is part of why I can’t tell if he is AP or FA.

I thought this was a good quote - I was talking about humility with my partner yesterday and he brought up something similar:

“Genuine humility is a reflection of neither weakness nor insecurity. Instead, it implies a respectful appreciation of the strengths of others, a lack of personal pretension and a more relaxed sense of confidence that doesn’t require external recognition.”

I feel a lot of the time that I have reached this place, in my career and relationship, where I can genuinely be myself and feel humble enough to admit mistakes, say I don't know and be vulnerable in front of others. Previously I would have described my self esteem as high but I can now see that was a painted on version - requiring external validation and achievement to maintain. My current experience feels very different.

This incessant obsession with self confidence not only breeds narcissism but also disconnects us from our common humanity. It's normal to not feel great all the time, to have doubts, to feel less than - - truly confident people have a kind of inner resilience which allows for failure, for the inevitable downs as well as the ups.

That "it's normal to not feel great all the time." Is something that deserves underscoring to me. Hell, it sounds insane not to know this, but the first thing I learned from my attachment theory journey is that it is 'ok' and actually good to hold your partners hand in a time of stress. Lol!

I know it's almost a cliche in mental health the "it's ok to not be ok" but until I actually hit the bottom that allowed me to sign up for this site I had no idea that i shouldn't just be projecting a false image of happiness and competence all of the time.

Obviously now I realize that this makes intimacy and connection, not just with lovers but with friends, totally impossible.

I agree with tnr9- as an AP I never thought rejection or abandonment had anything to do with my looks. Not in the least. It always hit me at an emotional level. I think: “He’s pulling away- he’s not responding...he’s leaving me. He doesn’t want me.” I never attributed any of those feelings to my looks. Again, self image and self esteem are two different things. I recognize I’m an attractive girl by most standards who’s in good shape with a good job and on the surface have a lot to offer. Guys don’t complain about my looks- it’s the emotional neediness that would shut down my avoidant ex. He still wants me physically 11 months post break up. So, if I don’t get a text back from the guy I’m with- I don’t get a new haircut or shop for new clothes....panic would just rise up within me and overwhelm me and I would have no reason why for this irrational reaction. Moving to secure- I’m much better in the wait, the time and space doesn’t elicit the same panic and fear. It’s progress.

Hey, Epic- my therapist described it to me as my physical attributes and abilities as having to do with my self image. I realize I’m in good shape and I’m attractive by typical standards and have a good job- that all contributes to my healthy self image; HOWEVER, my self esteem is another story. The feeling of unworthiness or being unlovable or unacceptable in some way, not confident asserting my needs- accepting low standards for oneself, feeling unheard or unseen....that all has to do with self-esteem and is more influenced by internal feelings and emotional factors.

Completely agree and it is so Pavlovian.....that feeling that space, time apart is in reaction to me..it makes the natural ebb and flow of a relationship so challenging to navigate because I over react to both the time apart and the ancipation of the coming back together..it is so draining...all the hypervigilence that says "the success or failure of the relationship falls to me".  Thus I am so focused on you to ensure that I am not screwing up....it is a huge weight for an AP.  I am needy because my attachment system keeps telling me to check in..make sure it is ok.  The freedom is in those precious moments where I can let you be you and me be me and it isn't personal and my system is at rest.  

My self esteem is tied to the other person because that is how I judge my impact to myself and to the world...letting that go is a process of choices to be ok when it doesn't feel ok.