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Post by faithopelove on Oct 21, 2018 15:53:29 GMT
I agree with tnr9- as an AP I never thought rejection or abandonment had anything to do with my looks. Not in the least. It always hit me at an emotional level. I think: “He’s pulling away- he’s not responding...he’s leaving me. He doesn’t want me.” I never attributed any of those feelings to my looks. Again, self image and self esteem are two different things. I recognize I’m an attractive girl by most standards who’s in good shape with a good job and on the surface have a lot to offer. Guys don’t complain about my looks- it’s the emotional neediness that would shut down my avoidant ex. He still wants me physically 11 months post break up. So, if I don’t get a text back from the guy I’m with- I don’t get a new haircut or shop for new clothes....panic would just rise up within me and overwhelm me and I would have no reason why for this irrational reaction. Moving to secure- I’m much better in the wait, the time and space doesn’t elicit the same panic and fear. It’s progress. Completely agree and it is so Pavlovian.....that feeling that space, time apart is in reaction to me..it makes the natural ebb and flow of a relationship so challenging to navigate because I over react to both the time apart and the ancipation of the coming back together..it is so draining...all the hypervigilence that says "the success or failure of the relationship falls to me". Thus I am so focused on you to ensure that I am not screwing up....it is a huge weight for an AP. I am needy because my attachment system keeps telling me to check in..make sure it is ok. The freedom is in those precious moments where I can let you be you and me be me and it isn't personal and my system is at rest. My self esteem is tied to the other person because that is how I judge my impact to myself and to the world...letting that go is a process of choices to be ok when it doesn't feel ok. [ tnr9...exactly how I feel. I get it and that’s why pulling away and staying away from my ex is hard. I had the strongest urge to reach out today. And the reinforcement of my contact is intermittent. He sometimes responds very positively- which gives me a high, sometimes he’s neutral and occasionally ignores. I even had a dream that I heard his text chime. The pull is strong. I never know what response I’ll get when I reach out, but yes, that drive to check in and say, “Are u there?” Are u ok?” A lot of anxiety and insecurity in that neediness. The focus is very much outward, on the other person, like you said. I guess that’s the “preoccupied” part of AP. I can’t shut my mind off. The narrative of him or mistakes I made at our last meet up are constantly running in the forefront- or in the background of my mind. Background only temporarily so I can complete a task. That drive for contact is still so strong in me after 11 months...weekends and nights are the worst. I guess it’s that little girl in me is still starving for that love and attention that she never had. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2018 19:15:16 GMT
[ tnr9...exactly how I feel. I get it and that’s why pulling away and staying away from my ex is hard. I had the strongest urge to reach out today. And the reinforcement of my contact is intermittent. He sometimes responds very positively- which gives me a high, sometimes he’s neutral and occasionally ignores. I even had a dream that I heard his text chime. The pull is strong. I never know what response I’ll get when I reach out, but yes, that drive to check in and say, “Are u there?” Are u ok?” A lot of anxiety and insecurity in that neediness. The focus is very much outward, on the other person, like you said. I guess that’s the “preoccupied” part of AP. I can’t shut my mind off. The narrative of him or mistakes I made at our last meet up are constantly running in the forefront- or in the background of my mind. Background only temporarily so I can complete a task. That drive for contact is still so strong in me after 11 months...weekends and nights are the worst. I guess it’s that little girl in me is still starving for that love and attention that she never had. Yes, I think as insecures, we are missing the love we never received as a child. I hope that it gets easier with time. |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 21, 2018 21:04:29 GMT
[ tnr9...exactly how I feel. I get it and that’s why pulling away and staying away from my ex is hard. I had the strongest urge to reach out today. And the reinforcement of my contact is intermittent. He sometimes responds very positively- which gives me a high, sometimes he’s neutral and occasionally ignores. I even had a dream that I heard his text chime. The pull is strong. I never know what response I’ll get when I reach out, but yes, that drive to check in and say, “Are u there?” Are u ok?” A lot of anxiety and insecurity in that neediness. The focus is very much outward, on the other person, like you said. I guess that’s the “preoccupied” part of AP. I can’t shut my mind off. The narrative of him or mistakes I made at our last meet up are constantly running in the forefront- or in the background of my mind. Background only temporarily so I can complete a task. That drive for contact is still so strong in me after 11 months...weekends and nights are the worst. I guess it’s that little girl in me is still starving for that love and attention that she never had. Yes, I think as insecures, we are missing the love we never received as a child. I hope that it gets easier with time. Me too, Mary 💗 |
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