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Post by rach02 on Nov 30, 2018 20:56:47 GMT
We had a blissful 4 months together. Few arguments and a lot of fun together, lots of quality time. She let me into her life: I slept over several times a week, dined with her and her son each week, went on mini trips together, talked about the future. She used to talk about moving together and starting anew. Then I began revealing my feelings to her. At the end of a good weekend I would send her an endearing text, implying my feelings. She never did like talking about feelings and was afraid of the L word (love). She let me into her life, in her home, into her family, but even then she would seem uncomfortable when I'd refer to her as my 'girlfriend'.
The week before she broke up with me I had spent a week at her home (it was a record for us). We dined every day, slept together every night. She didn't show much affection during the day, but at night I felt her love. She would cuddle against me, lie half way on top of me with her lips resting on my face and fall asleep like that. And kiss me in the morning. I felt mine and her love that week. We had planned Christmas and NYE together.
Then suddenly she breaks it off. I sensed her distance from me for some time and my emotions got the best of me one night and I sent her a snappy text. She broke it off in that moment like nothing (by text). She later told me that she perceived my snappy text as threatening a break-up (which was not my intention).
She left on vacation for one week, came back. I drove to her home for an explanation. She told me that the real reason she broke it off is our age difference -- she's significantly older. I don't buy her excuse. Age has never been a problem for us.
She felt love and backed away. What do I do from here?
I love her very much and want to try my best to get her back. I have asked her out several times by text, and she always gives me perfect excuses as to why she's busy. Or she delays and says "Perhaps next week we'll grab a drink". Then I hear nothing from her next week. She's always very friendly by text-- almost as if we were still together, but I am the one who initiates text 80% of the time. One night at 11PM she texted me to ask how my night was-- she usually goes to bed at this hour-- so she must have been thinking of me. At the end of the text conversation she said perhaps we'll grab a drink next week. It's next week-- it's almost the end of the week and I have not heard from her. I tried no contact for a week and she did not reach out, so I did.
By the way, I remember early on in our relations one night I left and texted her "Farewell". Then my phone broke for a few days. She thought my 'farewell' was me leaving for good, but I simply meant goodbye for now. When I finally get my phone fixed I noticed she left me voicemails anxiously asking me what's going and she hopes to see me again. It was strange-- this was the first time she chased me and that I noticed anxiety in her. She thought I was leaving for good. This was 1 month into our relationship. Maybe I should threaten to end all interactions all together to trigger that fear that she will lose me for good.
I know she felt a semblance of love for me. I would appreciate any insights from you dismissive avodant types on how to approach this situation.. I am sure it's not a unique situation for DA types. By the way, I'm anxious-preoccupied.
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 1, 2018 2:46:37 GMT
She sounds more on the FA scale then the DA scale. Reading your post reminds me a bit of when I first came to this site. The guy I was dating broke up with me after 10.5 months and one of the reasons he used was our age difference (he is 10 years younger than me). I remember thinking as you are now...why was age brought up to break up with me when it was never mentioned before as a deal breaker? I thought for a long time that it must have been a convenient excuse and that he was simply scared because I was his longest girlfriend. The issue is, I was treating the break up as if it was simply a bump and that I could actually win him back...when in his eyes...he had expressed his why and was now ready to move on....as friends. Be careful not to read too much into her friendly communication...checking in on you may be due to her feeling guilty about breaking up with you.....B did the exact same thing. He would ask how I was doing and would say how much he missed me (missed with a small m as in he missed hanging out)....and I wanted to read that as an avenue to win him back. I know you are hurting and I would recommend spending a lot of time with friends right now who love you for who you are. She may reach out if you don't....but it may simply mean she wants you to ok and perhaps wants to retain a friendly connection to you. As a fellow AP...I do understand the hope and the not wanting to give up on someone you love..but good relationships take 2 people who are willing and invested....not just one person trying to convince the other person to come back. I do wish you well.
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Post by rach02 on Dec 1, 2018 5:24:05 GMT
She sounds more on the FA scale then the DA scale. Reading your post reminds me a bit of when I first came to this site. The guy I was dating broke up with me after 10.5 months and one of the reasons he used was our age difference (he is 10 years younger than me). I remember thinking as you are now...why was age brought up to break up with me when it was never mentioned before as a deal breaker? I thought for a long time that it must have been a convenient excuse and that he was simply scared because I was his longest girlfriend. The issue is, I was treating the break up as if it was simply a bump and that I could actually win him back...when in his eyes...he had expressed his why and was now ready to move on....as friends. Be careful not to read too much into her friendly communication...checking in on you may be due to her feeling guilty about breaking up with you.....B did the exact same thing. He would ask how I was doing and would say how much he missed me (missed with a small m as in he missed hanging out)....and I wanted to read that as an avenue to win him back. I know you are hurting and I would recommend spending a lot of time with friends right now who love you for who you are. She may reach out if you don't....but it may simply mean she wants you to ok and perhaps wants to retain a friendly connection to you. As a fellow AP...I do understand the hope and the not wanting to give up on someone you love..but good relationships take 2 people who are willing and invested....not just one person trying to convince the other person to come back. I do wish you well. You're right in that I cannot leg go. Like you, I see this sort of as a break and am optimistic in reconciling. I don't know if I'm delusional? But I must try-- I do love her. And we ended on good terms. If I am right about her exiting due to fear then there is hope to reconcile. I just need to spark her feelings again. Avoidants are like cats, they scare easy. I'm willing to put in the work and stick around trying for a while, because she's important to me. The thought of spending Christmas and NYE must have been a lot of pressure for her avoidant side. Her son even started referring me to her boyfriend and that would make her flinch a bit. I was sending her endearing texts and waking up next to her every day for a week at the end. That's a lot of pressure for an avoidant to adjust to. Maybe she is a FA, rather than a DA. I'm not sure. She's EXTREMELY independent, a workaholic, successful, and pretty confident. And she can't go without male attention for too long. Not sure if she's FA or DA. My strategy is to: Give her space, minimum texting and invite her out in an unthreatening manner like "Hey i'm going to X bar tonight. Come long if you'd like". To ask her once a week until she feels comfortable enough. I remember asking her to meet a few days after the break up and she responded with "When things feel more safe". I think the thought of our meeting being potentially emotional is scaring her. Anyways, she replied to my text today and said "I've been really busy. Maybe Sunday, but don't set your schedule around me"-- always "maybes" and "perhaps" with her since the breakup. And I noticed a pattern since we first started dating: she NEVER makes plans too far in advance with me. Even when we dated she would never accept plans made in advance and always invite me over a few hours before hand with short notice-- while the rest of her life is super structured. And when she does invite me over it's always in a vague manner where she doesn't directly ask me over, like "Thinking X for dinner. Come if you desire". It's very strange behavior. I think she does it to avoid being vulnerable and showing me that she desires my company. Would you have any idea why someone would act this way? Thanks for the insights BTW |
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Post by epicgum on Dec 1, 2018 9:37:09 GMT
Best would be to focus on your own healing to be honest. This woman doesn't sound that appealing to me.
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 1, 2018 13:23:46 GMT
She sounds more on the FA scale then the DA scale. Reading your post reminds me a bit of when I first came to this site. The guy I was dating broke up with me after 10.5 months and one of the reasons he used was our age difference (he is 10 years younger than me). I remember thinking as you are now...why was age brought up to break up with me when it was never mentioned before as a deal breaker? I thought for a long time that it must have been a convenient excuse and that he was simply scared because I was his longest girlfriend. The issue is, I was treating the break up as if it was simply a bump and that I could actually win him back...when in his eyes...he had expressed his why and was now ready to move on....as friends. Be careful not to read too much into her friendly communication...checking in on you may be due to her feeling guilty about breaking up with you.....B did the exact same thing. He would ask how I was doing and would say how much he missed me (missed with a small m as in he missed hanging out)....and I wanted to read that as an avenue to win him back. I know you are hurting and I would recommend spending a lot of time with friends right now who love you for who you are. She may reach out if you don't....but it may simply mean she wants you to ok and perhaps wants to retain a friendly connection to you. As a fellow AP...I do understand the hope and the not wanting to give up on someone you love..but good relationships take 2 people who are willing and invested....not just one person trying to convince the other person to come back. I do wish you well. You're right in that I cannot leg go. Like you, I see this sort of as a break and am optimistic in reconciling. I don't know if I'm delusional? But I must try-- I do love her. And we ended on good terms. If I am right about her exiting due to fear then there is hope to reconcile. I just need to spark her feelings again. Avoidants are like cats, they scare easy. I'm willing to put in the work and stick around trying for a while, because she's important to me. The thought of spending Christmas and NYE must have been a lot of pressure for her avoidant side. Her son even started referring me to her boyfriend and that would make her flinch a bit. I was sending her endearing texts and waking up next to her every day for a week at the end. That's a lot of pressure for an avoidant to adjust to. Maybe she is a FA, rather than a DA. I'm not sure. She's EXTREMELY independent, a workaholic, successful, and pretty confident. And she can't go without male attention for too long. Not sure if she's FA or DA. My strategy is to: Give her space, minimum texting and invite her out in an unthreatening manner like "Hey i'm going to X bar tonight. Come long if you'd like". To ask her once a week until she feels comfortable enough. I remember asking her to meet a few days after the break up and she responded with "When things feel more safe". I think the thought of our meeting being potentially emotional is scaring her. Anyways, she replied to my text today and said "I've been really busy. Maybe Sunday, but don't set your schedule around me"-- always "maybes" and "perhaps" with her since the breakup. And I noticed a pattern since we first started dating: she NEVER makes plans too far in advance with me. Even when we dated she would never accept plans made in advance and always invite me over a few hours before hand with short notice-- while the rest of her life is super structured. And when she does invite me over it's always in a vague manner where she doesn't directly ask me over, like "Thinking X for dinner. Come if you desire". It's very strange behavior. I think she does it to avoid being vulnerable and showing me that she desires my company. Would you have any idea why someone would act this way? Thanks for the insights BTW You sound an awful lot like me...I felt that I could spark his interest....win him back if I did or said the right things....if I was extra chill, ok with accepting "friendship" on his terms, able to give a ton of space and just stuff my needs and feelings into a box in order to show him that he could trust me, that I was not pressuring him. I don't want to burst your bubble....I have been in this pseudo friendship for 1.5 years. He comes over when he has an appointment in my neck of the woods...we have a great time, we compliment each other, we laugh....the thing is...it's all "friendship" on his side....on my side it's accepting friendship but desperately wanting more. He knows it....as APs, we are not great at hiding our feelings...they ooze through and the DA or FA can sense them. Chances are, she knows you want to reconcile. AP/DA relationships struggle because we mirror each other's core wounding. She is focused on everything but the relationship...you are focused on the relationship above other things. It isn't that one is better or worse then the other...but it makes it much harder to really avoid being triggered and either be activated (AP) or deactivated (DA). I do think it would be beneficial to really consider whether you are interpreting her intentions correctly....a check in means a very different thing to an AP then it does to a DA and I would hate for you to end feeling like salt has been thrown into your wounds. I get the not giving up....I have not given up on B either....but you and I are only half the equation. Can you love her and let her go? It is a very tough question and one that I am struggling with currently....but I realize that if B truly wants to move on...then I have to have open hands and not hold on to a hope that only exists within me. It is something that may be worth exploring. |
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Post by sissyk on Dec 1, 2018 14:43:37 GMT
Hi! You will find my thread right below in this section. In some ways, your partner sounds a lot like my DA guy. He also rarely initiates texts, doesn't like to plan ahead, but is delightful company when we are together. But our relationship has been tortoise to your hare.
I also want to be sensitive to his DA tendencies so he can feel more secure and I don't scare him off needlessly. But at the same time, in reading these boards over weeks, I realize I had spent, in hindsight, months trying to just be good company and not get into anything that might stir the pot. In some ways that worked, as I am very independent and learned from a long challenging failed marriage that being kind and positive is often better than being right or over-analyzing all the time. But at the same time, I spent a good amount of behind the scenes anxiety fretting about how to read his texting habits etc.
As I posted, I finally screwed up the courage to have a very direct but kindly conversation this week about our ambiguous relationship. It went well in the sense I felt great for being direct about what I wanted and what I was concerned about. Now I am leaving him alone to digest it all. I told him that I am a direct person by nature and if he doesn't feel comfortable with that style, then our exchange (which made him squirm and chafe) is good information for him in deciding what he wants to do.
Who knows, I might have scared him off for good, which will make me very very sad. But a real relationship requires people be considerate and kind but authentic too. I can't keep treating him like a ticking time bomb that must be handled with the upmost care even if he has his wonderful qualities. And I felt real relief that I was being loyal and true to myself. Your needs are important too is a message I heard here that I took to heart.
Could you be direct and tell her you are sorry you two broke up you want to get back together and can give her more space (if you feel you can/want to) and take it much slower? Not sure what the older and wisers on this forum think of that idea--this may be my own evangelical zeal.
It sounds like you have had some conversations. Do you have reason to doubt the age difference explanation? 4 months is not that long a time to have been together, however intense, and especially with a child at home, she might have been picking up on some differences between you were not. Her keeping in touch might be just wanting to be friends, or not feel she is "mean" and can feel good about it all, or her deep benching you. Watch her actions, not her words. If doesn't make plans to actually get together it is because she doesn't want to.
One thing I have also considered. My guy might be DA, might be FA, might be a Martian. That can be true AND he still might not want a relationship with me as an individual. Even DAs have preferences....
Finally, people break up and get back together all the time so you might! But you are likely going to be dealing with this hot and cold pattern and its angst in perpetuity.
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Post by boomerang on Dec 1, 2018 16:45:38 GMT
The problem with learning about attachment is that then the AP (me) thinks, OK, I can adjust to create the right environment for the DA/FA to feel OK about continuing with me.
In my case, before I knew anything about attachment, I would just withdraw when he broke up with me. [And one of these times was parallel to you--he thought I was breaking up with him, so he did it first.] Now, I personally became a crazy person each and every time, full on anxiety and obsession, but I did not contact him. And after a month or two, he would start to miss me and would do some small thing to reach out, and if I opened the door then, he would come back. This was not a calculation on my part, BTW. I just did not not believe there was anything I could do. In this last point, I believe I was actually right--he was where he was, right?
The last time he withdrew (before the final final), I knew about attachment and had read a lot on the AP/DA/FA interactions and triggers and needs, and I tried to do what you are thinking of doing. I reached out to him once or twice a week, casually, tried to make him feel everything was "OK", that I was chill, that I had not abandoned him, that I was present but giving him space. That totally did not "work", I have to tell you. Not at all.
On top of that, this final period was much harder for me as I had all the anxiety and obsession AND was deeply frustrated that despite his casual receptiveness to casual contact, he did not initiate any of it nor did he "come back". Eventually, my AP self could not stand it and I tried several times to force the matter -- and that led to a series of truly painful rejections for me.
Every situation is different, and my guy kept me much more at arms length when we were together than your girlfriend does. But, based on my experience, my advice would be to respect where she is and leave her alone for now to sort out her feelings. Later, she may reach out, or you can open the door a crack and see where she is then. If she misses you, she will advance toward you. If she really wants to be done, she will not. My big takeaway from all this was, when he broke up with me, he was conflicted and needed to be away from me. He did come back once he had a chance to think things through, and miss--but that was his own internal process, you know?
Also, I think what we see as making a safe place by staying in touch in a low key way--in fact--feels intrusive and needy to the other if they are not ready for that. Would she be likely to react that way?
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Post by rach02 on Dec 1, 2018 17:51:36 GMT
(which made him squirm and chafe) I always found this so strange. To see them squirm in their seat when we have discussions about the relationship. I mean, she literally squirmed in her chair when I first discussed the relationship being official / monogamy. Even though, in the end she agreed (with hesitation). She squirmed again when I discussed wanting to see her at least twice a week for this relationship to work. She flinched when her son referred to me as her 'boyfriend'. What is up with these people? I don't remember the last time I squirmed in my chair. Perhaps if I was being interrogated by the police or something.. It's THAT uncomfortable for them? That they literally cannot sit still in their chair as we talk about the 'relationship'. Each time it happened I was stunned at how uncomfortable she was by the talks. It was like I was questioning her for murder. Avoidants are nuts. No offence. lol |
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Post by rach02 on Dec 1, 2018 18:11:37 GMT
The problem with learning about attachment is that then the AP (me) thinks, OK, I can adjust to create the right environment for the DA/FA to feel OK about continuing with me. In my case, before I knew anything about attachment, I would just withdraw when he broke up with me. [And one of these times was parallel to you--he thought I was breaking up with him, so he did it first.] Now, I personally became a crazy person each and every time, full on anxiety and obsession, but I did not contact him. And after a month or two, he would start to miss me and would do some small thing to reach out, and if I opened the door then, he would come back. This was not a calculation on my part, BTW. I just did not not believe there was anything I could do. In this last point, I believe I was actually right--he was where he was, right? The last time he withdrew (before the final final), I knew about attachment and had read a lot on the AP/DA/FA interactions and triggers and needs, and I tried to do what you are thinking of doing. I reached out to him once or twice a week, casually, tried to make him feel everything was "OK", that I was chill, that I had not abandoned him, that I was present but giving him space. That totally did not "work", I have to tell you. Not at all. On top of that, this final period was much harder for me as I had all the anxiety and obsession AND was deeply frustrated that despite his casual receptiveness to casual contact, he did not initiate any of it nor did he "come back". Eventually, my AP self could not stand it and I tried several times to force the matter -- and that led to a series of truly painful rejections for me. Every situation is different, and my guy kept me much more at arms length when we were together than your girlfriend does. But, based on my experience, my advice would be to respect where she is and leave her alone for now to sort out her feelings. Later, she may reach out, or you can open the door a crack and see where she is then. If she misses you, she will advance toward you. If she really wants to be done, she will not. My big takeaway from all this was, when he broke up with me, he was conflicted and needed to be away from me. He did come back once he had a chance to think things through, and miss--but that was his own internal process, you know? Also, I think what we see as making a safe place by staying in touch in a low key way--in fact--feels intrusive and needy to the other if they are not ready for that. Would she be likely to react that way? Well that's interesting how your 'low key contact' strategy did not work. It seems like a logical action to take, which is why I am also trying it. I've only been at it for two weeks now. It works like this: I initiate texting 1-2 a week; she replies and acts friendly; I ask her to meet; she gives me a good excuse as to why she cannot meet OR she delays, by saying "perhaps next week" or "when things feel safer". I have an idea. Although it's a risky one. Like I wrote in my initial post, 1 month into our relationship I texted her "Farewell" one morning after leaving, then my phone died for a few days. She thought I was saying goodbye for GOOD. This triggered her to act like an anxious preoccupied which led her to leave a few voicemails on my phone, where her voice was shaking and she was friendly and asking me if we could see each other again. That's when I realized she has a fear of abandonment. DA's share the same fear we have. That's why your guy ended it with you when he sensed you were going to end it. Little do they know, it's not entirely ended. There's still the casual contact, friendship, and the possibility of starting over again. We can take that away from them and abandon them for good. If my plans don't work then perhaps I'll get frustrated and text her that "I tried and I tried because I care about you. But my efforts have been in vain. Goodbye." And suddenly the table turns and I am the one doing the abandoning. Maybe that will make her realize her loss and come back in panic. |
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Post by stayhappy on Dec 1, 2018 18:14:56 GMT
The problem with learning about attachment is that then the AP (me) thinks, OK, I can adjust to create the right environment for the DA/FA to feel OK about continuing with me. In my case, before I knew anything about attachment, I would just withdraw when he broke up with me. [And one of these times was parallel to you--he thought I was breaking up with him, so he did it first.] Now, I personally became a crazy person each and every time, full on anxiety and obsession, but I did not contact him. And after a month or two, he would start to miss me and would do some small thing to reach out, and if I opened the door then, he would come back. This was not a calculation on my part, BTW. I just did not not believe there was anything I could do. In this last point, I believe I was actually right--he was where he was, right? The last time he withdrew (before the final final), I knew about attachment and had read a lot on the AP/DA/FA interactions and triggers and needs, and I tried to do what you are thinking of doing. I reached out to him once or twice a week, casually, tried to make him feel everything was "OK", that I was chill, that I had not abandoned him, that I was present but giving him space. That totally did not "work", I have to tell you. Not at all. On top of that, this final period was much harder for me as I had all the anxiety and obsession AND was deeply frustrated that despite his casual receptiveness to casual contact, he did not initiate any of it nor did he "come back". Eventually, my AP self could not stand it and I tried several times to force the matter -- and that led to a series of truly painful rejections for me. Every situation is different, and my guy kept me much more at arms length when we were together than your girlfriend does. But, based on my experience, my advice would be to respect where she is and leave her alone for now to sort out her feelings. Later, she may reach out, or you can open the door a crack and see where she is then. If she misses you, she will advance toward you. If she really wants to be done, she will not. My big takeaway from all this was, when he broke up with me, he was conflicted and needed to be away from me. He did come back once he had a chance to think things through, and miss--but that was his own internal process, you know? Also, I think what we see as making a safe place by staying in touch in a low key way--in fact--feels intrusive and needy to the other if they are not ready for that. Would she be likely to react that way? Well that's interesting how your 'low key contact' strategy did not work. It seems like a logical action to take, which is why I am also trying it. I've only been at it for two weeks now. It works like this: I initiate texting 1-2 a week; she replies and acts friendly; I ask her to meet; she gives me a good excuse as to why she cannot meet OR she delays, by saying "perhaps next week" or "when things feel safer". I have an idea. Although it's a risky one. Like I wrote in my initial post, 1 month into our relationship I texted her "Farewell" one morning after leaving, then my phone died for a few days. She thought I was saying goodbye for GOOD. This triggered her to act like an anxious preoccupied which led her to leave a few voicemails on my phone, where her voice was shaking and she was friendly and asking me if we could see each other again. That's when I realized she has a fear of abandonment. DA's share the same fear we have. That's why your guy ended it with you when he sensed you were going to end it. Little do they know, it's not entirely ended. There's still the casual contact, friendship, and the possibility of starting over again. We can take that away from them and abandon them for good. If my plans don't work then perhaps I'll get frustrated and text her that "I tried and I tried because I care about you. But my efforts have been in vain. Goodbye." And suddenly the table turns and I am the one doing the abandoning. Maybe that will make her realize her loss and come back in panic. Don’t play games! |
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Post by epicgum on Dec 1, 2018 19:25:01 GMT
(which made him squirm and chafe) I always found this so strange. To see them squirm in their seat when we have discussions about the relationship. I mean, she literally squirmed in her chair when I first discussed the relationship being official / monogamy. Even though, in the end she agreed (with hesitation). She squirmed again when I discussed wanting to see her at least twice a week for this relationship to work. She flinched when her son referred to me as her 'boyfriend'. What is up with these people? I don't remember the last time I squirmed in my chair. Perhaps if I was being interrogated by the police or something.. It's THAT uncomfortable for them? That they literally cannot sit still in their chair as we talk about the 'relationship'. Each time it happened I was stunned at how uncomfortable she was by the talks. It was like I was questioning her for murder. Avoidants are nuts. No offence. lol I'm one of these "nuts" fyi and i can totally sympathize with her squirmy/panic during convos like this. Maybe she is more FA... |
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Post by alexandra on Dec 1, 2018 20:31:39 GMT
Maybe that will make her realize her loss and come back in panic. Don’t play games! It's true. When someone can only commit to being a good partner if they're triggered, you're just going to keep running into the same problems over and over and never have stability. Sure, you may be able to get her back with games but you'll never be able to make her stay. You'll put both of you through torture (causing her terrible anxiety to get her back, causing yourself pain when she deactivates again because games are just a bandaid), and why do that to someone you love? I think secure and lasting relationships happen between the insecure triggers... you are choosing the person even when you don't feel compelled and "pulled" toward them (and also aren't running away when repelled and pushing away). Why? Because being triggered in any direction usually has almost nothing to do with the relationship and partner and everything to do with individual issues that existed prior -- so the partner can never "fix" attachment- related issues. The person can only do it themselves, and only if they decide they want to. So relying on triggering doesn't work in a functional relationship, because both parties have to be choosing it and each other for healthy reasons. Keeping anxiety at bay is not a healthy reason and leads to toxic codependency. |
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hannah
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Post by hannah on Dec 1, 2018 20:32:30 GMT
(which made him squirm and chafe) What is up with these people? I don't remember the last time I squirmed in my chair. Perhaps if I was being interrogated by the police or something.. It's THAT uncomfortable for them? Yes! Really. But I could not describe how it feels like, for me at least it's a total instinctive freeze response. It's not a choice and I can't really access the memories of these moments. And for me also she sounds more FA than DA. I can understand how you are feeling and the strategies to try to win her back, when I'm anxious it's where my ruminations lead me as well but I would tell you also to don't play this kind of games, it's toxic for both of you and it will not work. At least the avoidant in me would run really fast from a partner playing like that. Well, it's not that "I would run", I actually ran many times from anxious partners. And I have never been able to return to an anxious partner, I think. But I remember one time I deactivate from a friend and was able to return 3 months later. He's secure, he stated his needs, said if I didn't want to nourish the friendship he would not either but left the doors open. So for 3 months I didn't hear from him and when I tried to contact him the doors were really open and we have a nice friendship now. I know, easier said than done, I guess we must be really secure to move on with our life like he did and not be resentful with the one who flee. But I'm saying that as it was the only thing that worked to make me return (and I sometimes still struggle with my deactivation strategies but now I know about attachement and I'm working really hard on that). |
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Post by ocarina on Dec 1, 2018 20:51:29 GMT
(which made him squirm and chafe) I always found this so strange. To see them squirm in their seat when we have discussions about the relationship. I mean, she literally squirmed in her chair when I first discussed the relationship being official / monogamy. Even though, in the end she agreed (with hesitation). She squirmed again when I discussed wanting to see her at least twice a week for this relationship to work. She flinched when her son referred to me as her 'boyfriend'. What is up with these people? I don't remember the last time I squirmed in my chair. Perhaps if I was being interrogated by the police or something.. It's THAT uncomfortable for them? That they literally cannot sit still in their chair as we talk about the 'relationship'. Each time it happened I was stunned at how uncomfortable she was by the talks. It was like I was questioning her for murder. Avoidants are nuts. No offence. lol Huge huge waving red flags here.
The only person you can control is yourself - you can decide if you want to attempt to recreate a toxic dynamic with someone who is not able or willing to fully participate in the kind of relationship you would like - or you can look at yourself and heal the inevitable hurt and pain - and in doing so allow yourself to genuinely move forward and yourself become available for a mutually fulfilling relationship.
In all honesty, at the four month stage, relationships are very much still in honeymoon phase and if she bolted at the slightest sign of conflict at this point, in reality how much chance was there of this growing into a healthy mutual intimacy? It hurts - because we all want the good stuff, the falling asleep in each others arms, the lovely warmth - but this necessitates both partners being able and willing to move through the inevitable troughs - to decide over and over again that they both choose love and relationship over their fears.
These relationships thrive on distance followed by closeness - so the push pull dynamic you're likely to create in order to win her back will get you - if anything, a painful lather, rinse, repeat cycle which becomes more and more difficult to disengage from.
Avoidants are not nuts - any more than APs are - they behave in this way for reasons that at some point in their lives made absolute sense. What is nuts is to assume you can change them by being enough - or by loving them enough, or playing games of some sort. They change only if and when they are ready and this is something over which you have no control. What's also nuts is to join them in the dance - it takes two. I am a DA btw.
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Post by sissyk on Dec 1, 2018 20:56:30 GMT
I always found this so strange. To see them squirm in their seat when we have discussions about the relationship. I mean, she literally squirmed in her chair when I first discussed the relationship being official / monogamy. Even though, in the end she agreed (with hesitation). She squirmed again when I discussed wanting to see her at least twice a week for this relationship to work. She flinched when her son referred to me as her 'boyfriend'. What is up with these people? I don't remember the last time I squirmed in my chair. Perhaps if I was being interrogated by the police or something.. It's THAT uncomfortable for them? That they literally cannot sit still in their chair as we talk about the 'relationship'. Each time it happened I was stunned at how uncomfortable she was by the talks. It was like I was questioning her for murder. Avoidants are nuts. No offence. lol I'm one of these "nuts" fyi and i can totally sympathize with her squirmy/panic during convos like this. Maybe she is more FA... epicgum...You do not strike me as a nut  If I might ask to further my own understanding--as an FA what makes you very uncomfortable with relationship talk (as my squirming DA/FA? guy seemed). Do you feel you are being judged? Asked to give too much? Feel like an impostor as you should care about such but don't? When I was talking to my DAFA, I emphasized I was coming from a place of thinking he was great, I used "I" words, resisted going on the defensive myself and in general was on my best behavior and he still seemed defensive/threatened by my wanting to address such things directly..... |
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