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Post by tnr9 on Dec 3, 2018 13:46:20 GMT
Rach02...ask yourself....and be honest...are you ok with just being friends?? Because I have really struggled with keeping my hopes in perspective....I still have a tendency to try to read into things and then create stories. Take care of you right now....make yourself the priority...because whether you end up back with her or not...you will always be with yourself.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 3, 2018 14:17:00 GMT
I bestfriend-zoned my last ex, and as much as he tried to win me over by being the best person ever, I have kept him there - I hate it when he touches me, I hate it when he's too affectionate, and the fact that I feel that makes me keep him in the friend zone, but I'd miss him so much if he wasn't around that I'd likely convince myself that things could have worked out between us.
If you trigger her and that's why she ended it, you likely won't end up with her, because being close to you will mean being uncomfortable in herself, and who would choose that?
I even bestfriend-zoned the phantom ex, because when he's gone, he's the phantom ex, and when he's around I remember all the reasons I couldn't be happy with him.
I hope my replies don't sound mean, it's just an FA giving their perspective on exes.
We love you but we're leaving anyway is kind of the motto.
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Post by rach02 on Dec 4, 2018 21:29:59 GMT
Hmmm thanks for the replies friends.
I don't know if I'm going to be friend zoned. Hope not. That's not enough for me. I'll look elsewhere if that's the case.
I think she needs space. She's confused. She wants me, but she fears the wanting. She doesn't want to need me, but she fears she might end up doing so. All of that is scary to her.
When we met she was touching my shoulder and laughing. Kissed me on the lips goodbye. She said "let's do this again".
I texted her yesterday "Hey beautiful. Hope you arrived safe". She went out of town for work.
And midnight she texted me back telling me about her night, then ended the text with "You looked great last night in case I didn't tell you".
Seems flirty right? I could work with this. In the meantime, I'm just going to wait for her to initiate the next 'date'.
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 5, 2018 4:40:45 GMT
Hmmm thanks for the replies friends. I don't know if I'm going to be friend zoned. Hope not. That's not enough for me. I'll look elsewhere if that's the case. I think she needs space. She's confused. She wants me, but she fears the wanting. She doesn't want to need me, but she fears she might end up doing so. All of that is scary to her. When we met she was touching my shoulder and laughing. Kissed me on the lips goodbye. She said "let's do this again". I texted her yesterday "Hey beautiful. Hope you arrived safe". She went out of town for work. And midnight she texted me back telling me about her night, then ended the text with "You looked great last night in case I didn't tell you". Seems flirty right? I could work with this. In the meantime, I'm just going to wait for her to initiate the next 'date'. Just be careful with your heart...you seem to do a lot of interpreting about what she is feeling and thinking without validating any of it with her...I have been there and it can lead to hope followed by disappointment. BTW...B tells me how great I look every time I see him...he also tells me that he still has physical desires for me...yet these are simply flirtatious expressions said at a time when he is not seeing anyone else and I am "comfortable" and "familiar". I am not trying to rain on your parade...perhaps she will start hanging out with you again....but i would hate to see you get hurt again. |
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Post by rach02 on Dec 5, 2018 6:11:54 GMT
Hmmm thanks for the replies friends. I don't know if I'm going to be friend zoned. Hope not. That's not enough for me. I'll look elsewhere if that's the case. I think she needs space. She's confused. She wants me, but she fears the wanting. She doesn't want to need me, but she fears she might end up doing so. All of that is scary to her. When we met she was touching my shoulder and laughing. Kissed me on the lips goodbye. She said "let's do this again". I texted her yesterday "Hey beautiful. Hope you arrived safe". She went out of town for work. And midnight she texted me back telling me about her night, then ended the text with "You looked great last night in case I didn't tell you". Seems flirty right? I could work with this. In the meantime, I'm just going to wait for her to initiate the next 'date'. Just be careful with your heart...you seem to do a lot of interpreting about what she is feeling and thinking without validating any of it with her...I have been there and it can lead to hope followed by disappointment. BTW...B tells me how great I look every time I see him...he also tells me that he still has physical desires for me...yet these are simply flirtatious expressions said at a time when he is not seeing anyone else and I am "comfortable" and "familiar". I am not trying to rain on your parade...perhaps she will start hanging out with you again....but i would hate to see you get hurt again. You're right. I need to focus on actions, not on the subtlety of words. Her inviting me over would be an action-- a clear indication of interest. However, her complimenting me.. not a clear sign. It's easy to over analyze everything until I see what I want to see as an preoccupied-anxious. Need to focus on actions. She hasn't initiated texting in weeks-- this is a clear and unfortunate sign. Though I sense it in my gut that things will improve. |
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Post by lilyg on Dec 5, 2018 11:38:08 GMT
I know it's easier said than done... But the only 'trick' here is to be authentic and state to her what honestly works for you right now. Lead with kindness 😊
It's true that she might need time to work on her fears, but it'll be possible if she's willing to truly open up and you're willing to listen, respect and share your own feelings. Creating a secure space for you and her. Read around here about how to heal from anxious attachment style and how to become more secure. There are done exercises you can do to start your own journey. Treat this relationship as a messenger and let it be antes opportunity to grow 😊 that's the best we can do with heartbreak.
You don't have to hurry up at all, sometimes the people who open up little by little are a treasure, but please be honest and respectful for both of you. No games are needed for breaking the cicle. Don't expect, but share and communicate.
I wish you the best!
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 5, 2018 13:17:10 GMT
Just be careful with your heart...you seem to do a lot of interpreting about what she is feeling and thinking without validating any of it with her...I have been there and it can lead to hope followed by disappointment. BTW...B tells me how great I look every time I see him...he also tells me that he still has physical desires for me...yet these are simply flirtatious expressions said at a time when he is not seeing anyone else and I am "comfortable" and "familiar". I am not trying to rain on your parade...perhaps she will start hanging out with you again....but i would hate to see you get hurt again. You're right. I need to focus on actions, not on the subtlety of words. Her inviting me over would be an action-- a clear indication of interest. However, her complimenting me.. not a clear sign. It's easy to over analyze everything until I see what I want to see as an preoccupied-anxious. Need to focus on actions. She hasn't initiated texting in weeks-- this is a clear and unfortunate sign. Though I sense it in my gut that things will improve. Believe me...I understand.....I am AP also and as such I see so much of what I went through. B doesn't really initiate either....and I tend to interpret that as he is focused on someone else...because my mind ( as an AP who is so fixated on the other person and the relationship) cannot comprehend a person whose fixation is elsewhere....work, activities etc. That is why, regardless of action versus expression..I highly recommend "holding space" that there may be different ways to interpret her actions and thoughts. As APs, we have a bias....and a lens on self and others that is a true experience of how we would handle things...but that is very different then how someone with FA or DA would experience things. Which is why the combination of different attachments is fraught with misunderstandings....because we truly don't get their experience when we only have our lens to interpret things. Questions do help keep some of the APness in check..but it is best to ask in general/casual/non judgemental ways. Also...be authentically you....because you are worthy of someone who will love and accept you for who you are as you are right now. |
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Post by epicgum on Dec 5, 2018 17:50:24 GMT
Just be careful with your heart...you seem to do a lot of interpreting about what she is feeling and thinking without validating any of it with her...I have been there and it can lead to hope followed by disappointment. BTW...B tells me how great I look every time I see him...he also tells me that he still has physical desires for me...yet these are simply flirtatious expressions said at a time when he is not seeing anyone else and I am "comfortable" and "familiar".   I am not trying to rain on your parade...perhaps she will start hanging out with you again....but i would hate to see you get hurt again. You're right. I need to focus on actions, not on the subtlety of words. Her inviting me over would be an action-- a clear indication of interest. However, her complimenting me.. not a clear sign. It's easy to over analyze everything until I see what I want to see as an preoccupied-anxious. Need to focus on actions. She hasn't initiated texting in weeks-- this is a clear and unfortunate sign. Though I sense it in my gut that things will improve. Better than focusing on ::her:: actions, focus on what is good for ::you:: that way regardless of what she does, you do ok. |
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lilos
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Post by lilos on Dec 5, 2018 21:02:01 GMT
I feel like interpretation is where a lot goes wrong- those damn assumptions! I would remember to question everyone of the stories I was making up- you don’t know what a kiss meant other than she kissed you. You don’t know why she did it or how it felt to her unless she specifically tells you. What may seem like flirtation could just be friendly banter and what seems like rejection could just be her need to get a little breathing room. Honest and clear communication is so important in this dynamic. There can not be any games or suggestive talk- the lenses are too different it won’t be interpreted the way you think it would be.
I think we’ve all said the same- be authentic and clear in what you want and how you communicate. It’s all you can do but it is also so hard when you get caught up in that chemical mess that comes with attraction and emotions.
Good luck!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 5, 2018 23:19:25 GMT
I feel like interpretation is where a lot goes wrong- those damn assumptions! I would remember to question everyone of the stories I was making up- you don’t know what a kiss meant other than she kissed you. You don’t know why she did it or how it felt to her unless she specifically tells you. What may seem like flirtation could just be friendly banter and what seems like rejection could just be her need to get a little breathing room. Honest and clear communication is so important in this dynamic. There can not be any games or suggestive talk- the lenses are too different it won’t be interpreted the way you think it would be. I think we’ve all said the same- be authentic and clear in what you want and how you communicate. It’s all you can do but it is also so hard when you get caught up in that chemical mess that comes with attraction and emotions. Good luck! Haha it’s so clear when you’re out of the fog and out on the other side!! But it’s so hard to do it when you’re in the midst of it. I couldn’t figure out what is authentic and clear communication - I was just shouting out everything I was thinking and feeling, thinking that I was being clear and honest. And I was honest - I did say everything that I was feeling and thinking, but it wasn’t coming from a place of centeredness and clarity and mindfulness, where I can communicate my needs in an objective manner. That takes some insight and work to get to. |
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lilos
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Post by lilos on Dec 5, 2018 23:51:16 GMT
I feel like interpretation is where a lot goes wrong- those damn assumptions! I would remember to question everyone of the stories I was making up- you don’t know what a kiss meant other than she kissed you. You don’t know why she did it or how it felt to her unless she specifically tells you. What may seem like flirtation could just be friendly banter and what seems like rejection could just be her need to get a little breathing room. Honest and clear communication is so important in this dynamic. There can not be any games or suggestive talk- the lenses are too different it won’t be interpreted the way you think it would be. I think we’ve all said the same- be authentic and clear in what you want and how you communicate. It’s all you can do but it is also so hard when you get caught up in that chemical mess that comes with attraction and emotions. Good luck! Haha it’s so clear when you’re out of the fog and out on the other side!! But it’s so hard to do it when you’re in the midst of it. I couldn’t figure out what is authentic and clear communication - I was just shouting out everything I was thinking and feeling, thinking that I was being clear and honest. And I was honest - I did say everything that I was feeling and thinking, but it wasn’t coming from a place of centeredness and clarity and mindfulness, where I can communicate my needs in an objective manner. That takes some insight and work to get to. Oh yeah- I did that toooooo! It’s so not great to look back on that tornado of honesty. Not my finest moment but certainly a lesson I needed to learn. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 6, 2018 0:35:48 GMT
Haha it’s so clear when you’re out of the fog and out on the other side!! But it’s so hard to do it when you’re in the midst of it. I couldn’t figure out what is authentic and clear communication - I was just shouting out everything I was thinking and feeling, thinking that I was being clear and honest. And I was honest - I did say everything that I was feeling and thinking, but it wasn’t coming from a place of centeredness and clarity and mindfulness, where I can communicate my needs in an objective manner. That takes some insight and work to get to. Oh yeah- I did that toooooo! It’s so not great to look back on that tornado of honesty. Not my finest moment but certainly a lesson I needed to learn. Haha indeed tornado of honesty. It was brutal and hurtful.. just like a tornado! |
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Post by chipper on Dec 6, 2018 0:57:48 GMT
My ex FA would tell me I "looked good," too.
I wonder if it has to do with activation. As the FA is activated, they're less attracted, and less interested in physical intimacy. After some space and separation, the FA sees their (ex)partner again and remembers that they do have physical feelings for them.
"Hey, remember that time I didn't find you attractive? I do now!"
Just my theory, but interesting that a couple other folks picked up on that.
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 6, 2018 3:20:44 GMT
My ex FA would tell me I "looked good," too. I wonder if it has to do with activation. As the FA is activated, they're less attracted, and less interested in physical intimacy. After some space and separation, the FA sees their (ex)partner again and remembers that they do have physical feelings for them. "Hey, remember that time I didn't find you attractive? I do now!" Just my theory, but interesting that a couple other folks picked up on that. Yeh...but what really stinks for me is when...after B and I had a great time together..he would pull way back. Two word text messages...the wall would go up....it was extremely challenging (still is) to not take that personally or have my feelings start to move towards resentment. I remind myself often that I have chosen to keep the door open...so I am responsible for my choice, my feelings, my actions. |
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ab
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Post by ab on Dec 11, 2018 9:32:17 GMT
We had a blissful 4 months together. Few arguments and a lot of fun together, lots of quality time. She let me into her life: I slept over several times a week, dined with her and her son each week, went on mini trips together, talked about the future. She used to talk about moving together and starting anew. Then I began revealing my feelings to her. At the end of a good weekend I would send her an endearing text, implying my feelings. She never did like talking about feelings and was afraid of the L word (love). She let me into her life, in her home, into her family, but even then she would seem uncomfortable when I'd refer to her as my 'girlfriend'. The week before she broke up with me I had spent a week at her home (it was a record for us). We dined every day, slept together every night. She didn't show much affection during the day, but at night I felt her love. She would cuddle against me, lie half way on top of me with her lips resting on my face and fall asleep like that. And kiss me in the morning. I felt mine and her love that week. We had planned Christmas and NYE together. Then suddenly she breaks it off. I sensed her distance from me for some time and my emotions got the best of me one night and I sent her a snappy text. She broke it off in that moment like nothing (by text). She later told me that she perceived my snappy text as threatening a break-up (which was not my intention). She left on vacation for one week, came back. I drove to her home for an explanation. She told me that the real reason she broke it off is our age difference -- she's significantly older. I don't buy her excuse. Age has never been a problem for us. She felt love and backed away. What do I do from here? I love her very much and want to try my best to get her back. I have asked her out several times by text, and she always gives me perfect excuses as to why she's busy. Or she delays and says "Perhaps next week we'll grab a drink". Then I hear nothing from her next week. She's always very friendly by text-- almost as if we were still together, but I am the one who initiates text 80% of the time. One night at 11PM she texted me to ask how my night was-- she usually goes to bed at this hour-- so she must have been thinking of me. At the end of the text conversation she said perhaps we'll grab a drink next week. It's next week-- it's almost the end of the week and I have not heard from her. I tried no contact for a week and she did not reach out, so I did. By the way, I remember early on in our relations one night I left and texted her "Farewell". Then my phone broke for a few days. She thought my 'farewell' was me leaving for good, but I simply meant goodbye for now. When I finally get my phone fixed I noticed she left me voicemails anxiously asking me what's going and she hopes to see me again. It was strange-- this was the first time she chased me and that I noticed anxiety in her. She thought I was leaving for good. This was 1 month into our relationship. Maybe I should threaten to end all interactions all together to trigger that fear that she will lose me for good. I know she felt a semblance of love for me. I would appreciate any insights from you dismissive avodant types on how to approach this situation.. I am sure it's not a unique situation for DA types. By the way, I'm anxious-preoccupied.
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