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Post by stavs on Dec 14, 2018 16:59:28 GMT
One of the constant things I've heard from my girlfriend over the almost two years is the phrase, "I don't deserve you" or "you deserve better than me." The phrase has been brought up in regular conversations, heated discussions as well as times we have broken up. I've also been told it has been said to some of her friends at times. Knowing what I know now, it's very concerning when I hear this as I know she is beating herself up even more than what I though. So my question for is, what can be said to ease those thoughts? If you are an FA, what would you like to hear to make you feel safe?
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lilos
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Post by lilos on Dec 14, 2018 17:41:20 GMT
Ok- so this is coming from my perspective which I don’t know how it is for other people. When I hated myself, thought I was bad, not enough, that there was something wrong with me- there wasn’t enough that another person could say that would make me think otherwise- that would stick at least. Maybe kind words lasted for a moment, faded my anxiety or fears. Maybe I did something that was good and was rewarded and I could feel ok for a min but life is full of negatives and I’m pretty good at seeing them and those feelings are deep routed and always came back. it was, and sometimes still is. hard to look at the negative things within myself- which we all have- and hold compassion for myself. But that is where the healing has come for me.
I had to find the strength to feel the pain of my life, to see where I was responsible and forgive myself. That I am sometimes “bad” and that’s human and I am ok. To forgive those that hurt me because they are human too and make mistakes. And then know that if someone else can’t forgive me or love me that is in them. I can forgive and love myself. I don’t need to be afraid to not be loved. I am enough on my own. But I also had to learn that I desire human connection and that I can face my fears that come with that for me because I can handle the pain of loss if and when it comes. And it will- because loss is inevitable, nothing is permanent.
So what can you do? You can validate her- don’t try to fix her. She needs to see that her thought process is not healthy, that it’s skewed and she can change it if she wants to. But she needs to do the work. All you can do is support her.
I didn’t believe I could change my perspective. I believed it was set and I would never get away from it. I was wrong. But I had to break pretty hard to get there and that is not easy. I worked most of my life to avoid that pain and to run from my fears- many people do I guess, it’s instinct. But it’s not a helpful one. It holds me back in so many ways but now I can see it and work to keep it in check.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2018 18:20:48 GMT
consistency and open acceptance.
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Post by epicgum on Dec 14, 2018 19:27:24 GMT
Ok- so this is coming from my perspective which I don’t know how it is for other people. When I hated myself, thought I was bad, not enough, that there was something wrong with me- there wasn’t enough that another person could say that would make me think otherwise- that would stick at least. Maybe kind words lasted for a moment, faded my anxiety or fears. Maybe I did something that was good and was rewarded and I could feel ok for a min but life is full of negatives and I’m pretty good at seeing them and those feelings are deep routed and always came back. it was, and sometimes still is. hard to look at the negative things within myself- which we all have- and hold compassion for myself. But that is where the healing has come for me. I had to find the strength to feel the pain of my life, to see where I was responsible and forgive myself. That I am sometimes “bad” and that’s human and I am ok. To forgive those that hurt me because they are human too and make mistakes. And then know that if someone else can’t forgive me or love me that is in them. I can forgive and love myself. I don’t need to be afraid to not be loved. I am enough on my own. But I also had to learn that I desire human connection and that I can face my fears that come with that for me because I can handle the pain of loss if and when it comes. And it will- because loss is inevitable, nothing is permanent. So what can you do? You can validate her- don’t try to fix her. She needs to see that her thought process is not healthy, that it’s skewed and she can change it if she wants to. But she needs to do the work. All you can do is support her. I didn’t believe I could change my perspective. I believed it was set and I would never get away from it. I was wrong. But I had to break pretty hard to get there and that is not easy. I worked most of my life to avoid that pain and to run from my fears- many people do I guess, it’s instinct. But it’s not a helpful one. It holds me back in so many ways but now I can see it and work to keep it in check. What was your process in this? |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2018 21:08:03 GMT
To be honest with you, I have only said this when I feel like the other person is super great but I'm still not happy with them and I feel guilty for it and start saying things like "you deserve better" - not better than me because I am somehow less-than, but because you deserve better than my limited affection.
In my experience, I say this out of guilt and a confusion that things aren't enough for me somehow, not out of feeling like I am not as good as the other person, so I don't see how they could say anything at all that would take that away from me, because it is something missing in me that I am feeling but project it into the relationship unconsciously.
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 14, 2018 22:14:29 GMT
To be honest with you, I have only said this when I feel like the other person is super great but I'm still not happy with them and I feel guilty for it and start saying things like "you deserve better" - not better than me because I am somehow less-than, but because you deserve better than my limited affection. In my experience, I say this out of guilt and a confusion that things aren't enough for me somehow, not out of feeling like I am not as good as the other person, so I don't see how they could say anything at all that would take that away from me, because it is something missing in me that I am feeling but project it into the relationship unconsciously. That was my experience with B as well...I sensed that something was lacking for him....I think he wanted to love me, and did to the best of his ability...but it was not at the same pace or at the same level...and I know he kept wanting to talk about things and then wouldn't...he would only speak to his doubts when he had drunk a bit much..and even then, he would lace compliments through it. I know he did not want to hurt me....but it just wasn't there for him in the same way it was for me. I completely mishandled the breakup...not because I was not understanding or caring....but because I read into things in hopes we would get back together. I did not do the work needed to let him go so when he was ready to be friends again....I was hit all anew in the pain of wanting a relationship with him that he was not able to give me..and unfortunately that has meant that I hurt him by prolonging my hurt. It stinks because I do love him and want the best for him...I just wanted that to be with me. |
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lilos
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Post by lilos on Dec 15, 2018 23:20:13 GMT
Ok- so this is coming from my perspective which I don’t know how it is for other people. When I hated myself, thought I was bad, not enough, that there was something wrong with me- there wasn’t enough that another person could say that would make me think otherwise- that would stick at least. Maybe kind words lasted for a moment, faded my anxiety or fears. Maybe I did something that was good and was rewarded and I could feel ok for a min but life is full of negatives and I’m pretty good at seeing them and those feelings are deep routed and always came back. it was, and sometimes still is. hard to look at the negative things within myself- which we all have- and hold compassion for myself. But that is where the healing has come for me. I had to find the strength to feel the pain of my life, to see where I was responsible and forgive myself. That I am sometimes “bad” and that’s human and I am ok. To forgive those that hurt me because they are human too and make mistakes. And then know that if someone else can’t forgive me or love me that is in them. I can forgive and love myself. I don’t need to be afraid to not be loved. I am enough on my own. But I also had to learn that I desire human connection and that I can face my fears that come with that for me because I can handle the pain of loss if and when it comes. And it will- because loss is inevitable, nothing is permanent. So what can you do? You can validate her- don’t try to fix her. She needs to see that her thought process is not healthy, that it’s skewed and she can change it if she wants to. But she needs to do the work. All you can do is support her. I didn’t believe I could change my perspective. I believed it was set and I would never get away from it. I was wrong. But I had to break pretty hard to get there and that is not easy. I worked most of my life to avoid that pain and to run from my fears- many people do I guess, it’s instinct. But it’s not a helpful one. It holds me back in so many ways but now I can see it and work to keep it in check. What was your process in this? I have sat down to try to answer this repeatedly. It’s complex and hard for me to get down in words and I feel like trying to answer that could fill a book. Is there a specific part you were referring to? Or kind of the whole thing? I’ll attempt to explain it all if that’s what you are looking for it’s just kind of a lot. |
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Post by alexandra on Dec 16, 2018 3:13:39 GMT
lilos, you probably could fill a book because really the question is can you describe your process towards becoming more secure  I've done this in the AP section and it was long, but it's valuable and important. Start a new thread for it!
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Post by epicgum on Dec 16, 2018 4:29:49 GMT
What was your process in this? I have sat down to try to answer this repeatedly. It’s complex and hard for me to get down in words and I feel like trying to answer that could fill a book. Is there a specific part you were referring to? Or kind of the whole thing? I’ll attempt to explain it all if that’s what you are looking for it’s just kind of a lot. I don't want to exhaust you, and I can't promise it will change my life or anybody's, but I will absolutely read whatever you write and will think about it in the context of my own life. Starting a new thread per alexandra could be good. |
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Post by annieb on Jan 29, 2019 20:22:58 GMT
As a FA I feel that I do npt deserve love, so I rarely look for it, or ask for it, or enjoy it. We don't deserve goodness because it has never been give to us and we think that it was because of how we are - non-deserving. It's easy for us to get into bad relationships because of this, we think we deserve abuse.
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 29, 2019 22:23:52 GMT
As a FA I feel that I do npt deserve love, so I rarely look for it, or ask for it, or enjoy it. We don't deserve goodness because it has never been give to us and we think that it was because of how we are - non-deserving. It's easy for us to get into bad relationships because of this, we think we deserve abuse. - yes, that’s how how my DA views it. He’s never experienced love and acceptance and can’t believe anyone would feel that way about him. He can’t even believe someone would care about his day, much less him. I can’t really understand why but it must come from a deep place of rejection and dismissed feelings. He has no idea how much he’s loved or much worthy he is to receive love. He doubts everything- his worth, value, influence....relationships. It’s a sad perspective and a strong belief. How to convince someone you’re genuine when their beliefs are all negative? |
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maryt
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Post by maryt on Jan 30, 2019 0:45:05 GMT
As a FA I feel that I do npt deserve love, so I rarely look for it, or ask for it, or enjoy it. We don't deserve goodness because it has never been give to us and we think that it was because of how we are - non-deserving. It's easy for us to get into bad relationships because of this, we think we deserve abuse. - yes, that’s how how my DA views it. He’s never experienced love and acceptance and can’t believe anyone would feel that way about him. He can’t even believe someone would care about his day, much less him. I can’t really understand why but it must come from a deep place of rejection and dismissed feelings. He has no idea how much he’s loved or much worthy he is to receive love. He doubts everything- his worth, value, influence....relationships. It’s a sad perspective and a strong belief. How to convince someone you’re genuine when their beliefs are all negative? [ This is super interesting to me. Just recently, I was reiterating to my FA/DA bf what I want long term....grow old together, travel, experience new things. Mind you we’ve been working at this for five years so this wasn’t the first time he’s heard it. His reply floored me....”you really want to do all of those things with ME?” Like he wasn’t good enough. Lightbulb went on for me and realized he’s probably been just as insecure about me leaving as I still can be about him. Even after all this time. Insecurity....so hard for so many of us. |
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 30, 2019 1:33:04 GMT
annieb - yes, that’s how how my DA views it. He’s never experienced love and acceptance and can’t believe anyone would feel that way about him. He can’t even believe someone would care about his day, much less him. I can’t really understand why but it must come from a deep place of rejection and dismissed feelings. He has no idea how much he’s loved or much worthy he is to receive love. He doubts everything- his worth, value, influence....relationships. It’s a sad perspective and a strong belief. How to convince someone you’re genuine when their beliefs are all negative? [ This is super interesting to me. Just recently, I was reiterating to my FA/DA bf what I want long term....grow old together, travel, experience new things. Mind you we’ve been working at this for five years so this wasn’t the first time he’s heard it. His reply floored me....”you really want to do all of those things with ME?” Like he wasn’t good enough. Lightbulb went on for me and realized he’s probably been just as insecure about me leaving as I still can be about him. Even after all this time. Insecurity....so hard for so many of us. - Yes, they do have such a hard time believing anyone loves them or wants them. My DA was completely floored a few weeks ago that I was still willing to see him even though he was sick. He didn’t understand why I’d want to or why I’d take the risk catching his sickness, and I can’t understand why he wouldn’t believe I want to be there with him. I’ve never said no to him! It seemed to endear himself to me that I showed up for him. I didn’t hesitate to be there for him. He did say his mom wouldn’t allow him in her house that week bc he was sick, so that was telling. I do wish he’d see his worth. He doesn’t believe it. Faith and hope are lacking and instead there is doubt. |
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Post by mrob on Jan 30, 2019 2:15:15 GMT
..and I maintain that this is the difference between Dismissive and Fearful avoidants. High versus low self esteem.
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 30, 2019 4:05:44 GMT
..and I maintain that this is the difference between Dismissive and Fearful avoidants. High versus low self esteem. He’s DA though and feels unworthy of love and attention. Is it possible to have healthy self-esteem and believe that no cares about you or loves you? Could it be more of a trust that prevents the believing rather than low self-esteem? |
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I've done this in the AP section and it was long, but it's valuable and important. Start a new thread for it!