laura
New Member
Posts: 36
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Post by laura on Jan 1, 2019 1:21:22 GMT
Hi,
My first post.
I was together with my (now) ex for over 5 months. We just broke up on December 19th. I'm finally reaching out because I've read books, listened to podcasts, taken the quizzes, watched videos, read articles, asked friends, talked to my therapist, and even asked him, but I have no idea what just happened?!?
History:
I'm 39. He's 42. He's never been married. Last serious relationship for him ended in 2012 after 4 years. I do know that he and the woman ended up buying a house together. They lived together for 11 months in the new house, but broke up due to her cheating.
He has had one gf since for about 16 months but they only saw each other 2-3 times per week. They broke up/got back together a lot due to fighting.
He and I met over the summer. He pursued me. Man, was I extremely attracted to him! From the first night together we were with each other 3-6 nights per week. Mostly 6 nights per week. Summer of LOVE!
After summer, my daughter started back to school so I decided to allow them to meet. He started driving to my house from work almost every day and night. He was commuting an hour each way.
Being the AP that I am, I didn't pay attention to his actions. I needed constant reassurance. I smothered. In my defense, from the beginning, something was off with him. He lacked physical and emotional intimacy. And, he had difficulty maintaining an erection during sex. I felt like it had to do with his vulnerability/anxiety and not medical problems.
In October, he started telling me his lease was up in March. He thought we should move in together. He said the relationship felt like a dream come true. And it did. I was obsessed. But, he was too.
Soon after he started getting worried about moving. He did work and live an hour away. His son also lived by his apartment. I suggested a trial run to see how we got along. He suggested we start Dec 1st.
Towards the end of November, he started telling me he needed one day a week to himself. He didn't know how he would get his alone time if he was at my house. It was as if he was getting anxious. Being the good AP gf that I am, I pushed forward. By the end of November, he said he wasn't ready to move in. I was fine with that. I was annoyed he didn't express his concerns earlier though. I told him to start staying at his apartment more. But, I'd come over, of course.
He really started to pull away the first week of December. He started questioning his love for me. He was concerned I loved him more. He said he thought something was wrong with him. He said he didn't think he'd ever loved a woman. I never got mad about this. I tried to understand. He said his feelings were going up and down. And, it was an overwhelming sensation. He really appeared distraught.
He tried to break up with me after that week. I talked him out of it. He said he talked to a guy at his job who said to just try to start over with me. Take it one day at a time. But, he stressed that I was to not discuss our relationship. Any talk about our relationship was stressing him out. Could I do that? Um...no. There was no arguments though. He never once spoke up.
By mid December, I was seeing him once a week. There was no physical contact. He said my texts were annoying him. He said he lost feelings for me. He said he was forcing himself to come over. He said he was happier away from me.
We spent one more weekend together. He said he didn't know what was wrong with him. He had found I am the perfect woman but realized he is just stringing me along. He doesn't have feelings for me anymore and doesn't want a relationship. He said the ups and downs were his feelings coming and going. But, that wasn't how he described it before. Before, it sounded like anxiety.
It's now over. We've texted some. I initiate. He's extremely happy without me. I'm immobilized by grief. He wants to be friends. He said he's not seeing anyone when I asked. But it doesn't matter anymore. I asked to talk with him on the phone yesterday. He called. I asked what was going on. I said I was confused. I didn't understand the constant communication. He's not dating and wants to stay friends for a possible reconnection? But, he also says he doesn't want a relationship with anyone and has lost feelings for me. He said he doesn't want the obligations of a relationship. I thought that was funny because I'm extremely accommodating to a fault.
I said I didn't see the point of us talking then and that he would no longer hear from me. He laughed and said he's heard that before. So, I hung up. He immediately called me back 3 times. I didn't answer.
So...is he an avoidant? Or, did I just smother him to the point of no return? Do they come back? Im going to assume he's not, but if he shows up...ugh. Im so confused by him! I just think that he and I could have worked this out if he would have been able to articulate what was wrong. But, I probably was only hearing what I wanted to hear.
I appreciate his honesty, if he truly is being honest.
Thanks for helping me.
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 1, 2019 6:39:39 GMT
Yes, he sounds very avoidant. As an AP who was with a DA, our situation sounds very similar. My ex also stays alone and I always initiate. My ex and I were also together 3-4 times a week- whenever we didn’t have our kids. He told me he wanted me by his side everywhere he went- until he didn’t. (In reality, he was a loner and didn’t let me in to even run errands w him.) He didn’t tell me he felt differently, but it was apparent. Six months in I started to feel like an unwelcome intruder at his home and he pulled back physically and emotionally. He’d open his door and plop on the couch- I can only imagine that he felt I was intruding but I was only continuing what we had both happily done previously. He didn’t express his needs and his pulling away caused my AP ways to flare up. I should’ve given him more space- instead I kept doing our old routine...until a few weeks later his tension and irritability grew to the point that he broke up w me.
Sounds like your ex will be back based on his pattern of communication since the break and his multiple call backs. Concerning is: “He said he thought something was wrong with him. He said he didn't think he'd ever loved a woman.”
My ex also said more than once that he thought there was something wrong with him. More recently, “He’s in a weird place and knows he isn’t right and doesn’t blame me if I move on.”
So, whether he reaches out again or not is less of a concern than what will he do or say when he reaches out and what is he willing to do to make things different? Otherwise this pattern will continue. It seems the DA have a pattern of starting out strong and 5-6 months in, cannot tolerate the intimacy.
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Post by Lizzie on Jan 1, 2019 11:00:49 GMT
I agree, it sounds very avoidant and for me it would be a sign to run for the hills.
Please protect yourself, 5 months is nothing and you can get out with minimal damage now. With avoidants this dance can prolong for years before you know it.
> I said I didn't see the point of us talking then and that he would no longer hear from me. He laughed and said he's heard that before.
What a shit thing to say! I hope you see how disrespectful this is to you. Take this as a sign to draw the line, build a boundary and have selfrespect.
Have a good year ahead!
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laura
New Member
Posts: 36
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Post by laura on Jan 1, 2019 13:03:22 GMT
faithopelove thanks for your reply. I will not initiate contact. I'm hoping he waits before contacting me. I need this time to grieve and move on. Once i've moved on, I won't go back. However, I have a feeling he's not coming back. He seems pretty sure he's lost feelings for me. But, then again, he knew he "had" me. Now, he doesn't. I talked with my 14 y.o. daughter yesterday. She said there's something wrong with him and me. She said I shouldn't date anyone. She said the first time we broke up, she knew he'd be back. But, this time, she said he's not coming back. I was surprised by her honestly and insight. She also said that she didn't think we fought a lot, but appeared to be friends, not a couple. I'm not surprised by that. He didn't like cuddling and always sat in a chair. I always had to initiate affection. He said the woman is supposed to go to the man. The woman is supposed to chase. Umm...no. no one is "supposed" to do anything. Anyway, it would hurt my daughter if I went back to him. Still doesn't heal my wounds, but there's my answer if he tries to come back.
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laura
New Member
Posts: 36
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Post by laura on Jan 1, 2019 13:06:40 GMT
@lizzie I visited my sister over the holidays. Apparently, I accept abuse. He says a lot of mean things. When he was just being"honest". But, if I said something he didn't like, it was a "stupid" thing to say. I don't know why I tolerate this behavior. He didn't value me or the relationship. But, I didn't value myself or the relationship either.
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Post by sissyk on Jan 1, 2019 15:14:55 GMT
Welcome! You can read my saga with my DA on my thread. Many elements of your ex's behavior were familiar although my DA was self aware enough to tell me early on he was bad at relationships so I never got loved bombed.
It is a baffling situation that seems to follow no logical progression and of course you feel grief and confusion but know you are not alone here.
Your comment about your daughter resonated. I have a daughter in college. When I risked scaring DA away by being direct rather than tiptoeing, I was thinking I need to model standing up for oneself to her. She had met him and heard about the situation.
Your DA seems like he would need to do lots of introspection/therapy to ever return as a good partner to you. Also even DAs can fall out of love. No contact is so helpful and you will be showing your daughter how to be strong as a form of self care.
As I note on my thread, DA and I said we will try to pick back up as friend zone friends in New Year and I haven't reached out since early December. We will see how that goes but we didn't have the passionate start you did so it is less of a toggle.
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laura
New Member
Posts: 36
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Post by laura on Jan 1, 2019 18:28:52 GMT
Hi sissykIt's funny you mention that DA's can fall out of love. That's what has been the hardest to accept. He and I are different. I don't know if he is truly a DA. What I do know is there is something not right with me. I thought I could help him by giving him insight into himself. I didn't realize I was being manipulative and selfish. He's not a bad person at all. And, I would do it all over again. But, I was in my narcissistic, toxic bubble. I felt every time he wanted alone time, he wanted to get away from me. I smothered him with my "love". He was telling me what he needed but I only listened to what I wanted to hear. I had a man that was commuting to and from work almost everyday to see me. He would drive an hour both ways. He lived 15 minutes from his work. But, no, that wasn't enough. I needed more. He was sinking and came to me for help. He told me things that opened him up to vulnerability and I became his "therapist". I pushed him away because I only cared about my needs. I cared about his needs when he was finally done with me. And, now he's gone. His honesty that I once loved is now him telling me: You can't change how I feel right now. Honestly, I do want to try again. He did want therapy, but now that I'm gone, he doesn't see a need for it. Yes, he's in denial. There is something not right with him. I'm screwed up too. But, that's his chapter in his story. And, he closed the chapter on me. What bothers me the most is I didn't feel like we gave it a good try. But, don't AP's try to work it out to the bitter end? He ended it at an appropriate time for him. It was just too soon for me. I've got to move on. I just really thought he and I would be together. It's amazing how I connected with him in just half a year. I was with my ex husband for 7. I thought no one could penetrate my heart ever again. Apparently someone did. |
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Post by alexandra on Jan 1, 2019 19:38:27 GMT
He was sinking and came to me for help. He told me things that opened him up to vulnerability and I became his "therapist". I pushed him away because I only cared about my needs. I cared about his needs when he was finally done with me. And, now he's gone. His honesty that I once loved is now him telling me: You can't change how I feel right now. Honestly, I do want to try again. He did want therapy, but now that I'm gone, he doesn't see a need for it. Yes, he's in denial. There is something not right with him. I'm screwed up too. But, that's his chapter in his story. And, he closed the chapter on me. I agree that 5 months is nothing in the scheme of getting to know someone, especially someone insecurely attached because they aren't fully forthcoming no matter which insecure attachment (nor do they fully know themselves). But you've also got to re-work this narrative about your ex and your breakup, because it's distorted right now. Maybe you did act selfishly in some ways, but anyone who says they want therapy, then puts it on you to be their therapist and never actually books an appointment DOESN'T ACTUALLY WANT THERAPY. Someone who is doing this maybe wants to change "for you" or wants to dump their issues on you because you're willing to process the issues on their behalf so they can avoid doing so, but they do not actually want help yet or are not ready for it. That isn't your fault. Someone ready will get help whether they have a partner or not and will want to change for themselves, not the partner, which is the only way real growth will happen and stick anyway. These situations are really difficult. I've been in them, too. Try to focus on youself and really digging into your AP, and if you start to do the hard work, your perspective on your ex will change and at least the breakup portion will get easier. But the healing work for AP will still be rough, though worth it. |
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laura
New Member
Posts: 36
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Post by laura on Jan 2, 2019 3:15:07 GMT
Thanks. I totally agree with your perspective. He does need help. I want him back, but that doesn't mean I'll take him back. He really hurt me. Attachment style or not, he hurt me. I can forgive, but I saw a cold and cruel side of him. I've never experienced anything like this.
I just need to give it some time. I'm worried he will contact me. He knows that I will detach during no contact. I told him that once. But, I'm assuming he does not want contact with me. He made it pretty clear it's over. I wouldn't be surprised if he's already seeing someone else. I shut down my Facebook so I won't find out anytime soon.
I'm just taking it day by day. Pretty soon he'll be a distant memory. He taught me some valuable lessons. This pain is worth the lessons I have learned. Funny how Im probably now his dream girl and he won't have me again. I'll take this cautiously and slowly next relationship. I'm also learning how to self soothe and talk to myself rationally when I feel anxious.
Thanks for everyone's support!
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 2, 2019 5:21:57 GMT
Welcome! You can read my saga with my DA on my thread. Many elements of your ex's behavior were familiar although my DA was self aware enough to tell me early on he was bad at relationships so I never got loved bombed. It is a baffling situation that seems to follow no logical progression and of course you feel grief and confusion but know you are not alone here. Your comment about your daughter resonated. I have a daughter in college. When I risked scaring DA away by being direct rather than tiptoeing, I was thinking I need to model standing up for oneself to her. She had met him and heard about the situation. Your DA seems like he would need to do lots of introspection/therapy to ever return as a good partner to you. Also even DAs can fall out of love. No contact is so helpful and you will be showing your daughter how to be strong as a form of self care. As I note on my thread, DA and I said we will try to pick back up as friend zone friends in New Year and I haven't reached out since early December. We will see how that goes but we didn't have the passionate start you did so it is less of a toggle. Hi sissyk...did you get together after the holidays like he suggested? |
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 2, 2019 5:29:10 GMT
Hi sissykIt's funny you mention that DA's can fall out of love. That's what has been the hardest to accept. He and I are different. I don't know if he is truly a DA. What I do know is there is something not right with me. I thought I could help him by giving him insight into himself. I didn't realize I was being manipulative and selfish. He's not a bad person at all. And, I would do it all over again. But, I was in my narcissistic, toxic bubble. I felt every time he wanted alone time, he wanted to get away from me. I smothered him with my "love". He was telling me what he needed but I only listened to what I wanted to hear. I had a man that was commuting to and from work almost everyday to see me. He would drive an hour both ways. He lived 15 minutes from his work. But, no, that wasn't enough. I needed more. He was sinking and came to me for help. He told me things that opened him up to vulnerability and I became his "therapist". I pushed him away because I only cared about my needs. I cared about his needs when he was finally done with me. And, now he's gone. His honesty that I once loved is now him telling me: You can't change how I feel right now. Honestly, I do want to try again. He did want therapy, but now that I'm gone, he doesn't see a need for it. Yes, he's in denial. There is something not right with him. I'm screwed up too. But, that's his chapter in his story. And, he closed the chapter on me. What bothers me the most is I didn't feel like we gave it a good try. But, don't AP's try to work it out to the bitter end? He ended it at an appropriate time for him. It was just too soon for me. I've got to move on. I just really thought he and I would be together. It's amazing how I connected with him in just half a year. I was with my ex husband for 7. I thought no one could penetrate my heart ever again. Apparently someone did. Don’t be too hard on yourself. The desire for closeness and intimacy with your partner is a realistic and true need for a lot of people and when you and your partner have established that pattern, it’s surprising, hurtful and confusing to suddenly switch gears. I had no idea, nor could I relate to a partner feeling engulfed or overwhelmed by closeness- not til my ex pulled away and then broke up w me and I explored attachment. I couldn’t imagine not wanting closeness. So, don’t be too hard on yourself for something that is counterintuitive to you. We’re living and learning. |
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laura
New Member
Posts: 36
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Post by laura on Jan 2, 2019 14:20:26 GMT
Thanks faithopelove Hindsight is a helluva thing, ya know? Day 3 no contact. I refuse to text him although I want to. He expects me to. I won't give him that satisfaction. I have a friend who's bf left after 4 years. No pulling away. Just left. I feel bad for her. I'm glad my ex was honest and didn't give me much hope we'd get back together. |
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Post by Lizzie on Jan 2, 2019 14:26:35 GMT
Darling, reject the rejector. It does not matter if he comes back or not or why he left. You should be the one who walks away. > I'm glad my ex was honest and didn't give me much hope we'd get back together. What hope? Walk away. Then it does not matter at all if comes back or not, you will not be there anymore.  |
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Post by sissyk on Jan 2, 2019 14:26:50 GMT
Welcome! You can read my saga with my DA on my thread. Many elements of your ex's behavior were familiar although my DA was self aware enough to tell me early on he was bad at relationships so I never got loved bombed. It is a baffling situation that seems to follow no logical progression and of course you feel grief and confusion but know you are not alone here. Your comment about your daughter resonated. I have a daughter in college. When I risked scaring DA away by being direct rather than tiptoeing, I was thinking I need to model standing up for oneself to her. She had met him and heard about the situation. Your DA seems like he would need to do lots of introspection/therapy to ever return as a good partner to you. Also even DAs can fall out of love. No contact is so helpful and you will be showing your daughter how to be strong as a form of self care. As I note on my thread, DA and I said we will try to pick back up as friend zone friends in New Year and I haven't reached out since early December. We will see how that goes but we didn't have the passionate start you did so it is less of a toggle. Hi sissyk...did you get together after the holidays like he suggested? I'm just back in town yesterday. Will update on my thread when/if DA and I get together as friends. I'm kind of finding the lack of contact relaxing which tells me something. Totally agree not to beat yourself up here..you were acting on your needs and your history and you were just trying to maintain and repair your connection. If that is a crime, I'm in the next cell  |
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Post by leavethelighton on Jan 2, 2019 15:40:15 GMT
Yeah, too much too fast. Alluring, but usually a bad sign on attachment issues. I agree with the people above.
Also, I say this as a mother, be careful with your boundaries with your 14yo daughter in how you discuss this. She needs to be your daughter, not your confidant. Maybe your conversation with her was totally appropriate, but I thought I should mention this. She needs to be focused on her own life, not her mother's.
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