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Post by faithopelove on Jan 5, 2019 2:19:51 GMT
I get both of you. I get the need to call the ex some names - this is very natural and most of us have been there. Anger is a natural part of grief. I also get the disappointment of mrob. It feels so hopeless if you have been dealt the card that most attachment related books call 'to be avoided at all cost'. You did not choose the parents that hurt you, you want love, too. But avoidant and anxious are not good together, we are toxic to each other. mbrob, you should not take personally if one AP woman chooses to turn her back to unhealthy relationship. This is only the beginning of her journey. It is like a swing, at first it goes far to the other side and then back before it finds its balance. I also want to say that I did not choose to turn my back on this relationship. I was and still am willing to work with him. I'm now in therapy. He said he needed therapy before the breakup. But, after the breakup, he said he was happy. He no longer needed therapy. I understand why he does what he does. Well, I understand as much as I can. I'm willing to work on my issues alone or in this relationship. He chose to leave the relationship. He said he lost feelings. He said he doesn't want a relationship with anyone. How can I argue with that? I can't. I just have to let him go. If I continue to contact him, I'll push him farther away, correct? Yes, I believe you’ll push him away further. He said he lost feelings, is happier without you, doesn’t want to be in a relationship and laughed at you. After all that, I think it’s best for you to let go. If in time and space he realizes he made a mistake- he knows where to find you. It’s devastating but best to let go. |
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Post by mrob on Jan 5, 2019 7:35:13 GMT
Laughing at you while you are crying? OK, that qualifies as an a$$. At a breakup, I have felt nothing. Knowing that I should feel something, but feeling bereft of anything. The feelings came back because I no longer felt engulfed. The pressure to perform as a bf - that I either never felt I was up for, or I felt was thrust upon me - was off. Then that sorrow came along.
In my case, I could see what she was asking wasn't unreasonable, but, in hindsight, I can see I was just so activated it wouldn't have mattered. And, let's face it, a reasonable person will only put up with so much.
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laura
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Post by laura on Jan 5, 2019 14:40:50 GMT
Laughing at you while you are crying? OK, that qualifies as an a$$. At a breakup, I have felt nothing. Knowing that I should feel something, but feeling bereft of anything. The feelings came back because I no longer felt engulfed. The pressure to perform as a bf - that I either never felt I was up for, or I felt was thrust upon me - was off. Then that sorrow came along. In my case, I could see what she was asking wasn't unreasonable, but, in hindsight, I can see I was just so activated it wouldn't have mattered. And, let's face it, a reasonable person will only put up with so much. Thanks. At first he seemed to feel guilty. But, he put it like this: "Your crying is making me feel bad." No hugs. No comforting. Initially, he said I was doing nothing wrong. "I have the perfect woman, but dont know what's wrong with me. You're not doing anything wrong!" Then, after the breakup, "See, you haven't changed at all!!! You're still stressing me out!" But, he never told me clearly what he needed. He was evasive. And, when I asked that we not see other people to start again as friends, he said "ok". But, last time we talked, he laughed as I cried and said, "you keep setting yourself up for failure and disappointment." So I told him I'd stop chasing. He said, "yea, i've heard that before!" So I hung up. He won't reach out. And, I miss him. We really got along well together. We should've never communicated so much through text. So many misunderstandings. |
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Post by mrob on Jan 5, 2019 16:17:04 GMT
My heart goes out to both of you. What a very sad situation. One that I’ve been in more than once. There’s no dismissive there, that’s full on fearful avoidant. He can’t even trust himself to love you the way you need to be loved, and he knows he’s the unreasonable one. Been there. Incredibly sad and hard on both of you.
Don’t be surprised if in the next few weeks or months he reaches out.
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Post by sissyk on Jan 5, 2019 18:22:00 GMT
My heart goes out to both of you. What a very sad situation. One that I’ve been in more than once. There’s no dismissive there, that’s full on fearful avoidant. He can’t even trust himself to love you the way you need to be loved, and he knows he’s the unreasonable one. Been there. Incredibly sad and hard on both of you. Don’t be surprised if in the next few weeks or months he reaches out. What feelings motivate a FA to reach out again? I ask because being in a relationship seems very painful from your descriptions here.....I would think they would want to try with a clean slate elsewhere? Just trying to understand the lived experience ... That said, it maybe slows down a APs healing to half expect them to return..... |
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laura
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Post by laura on Jan 5, 2019 19:25:40 GMT
My heart goes out to both of you. What a very sad situation. One that I’ve been in more than once. There’s no dismissive there, that’s full on fearful avoidant. He can’t even trust himself to love you the way you need to be loved, and he knows he’s the unreasonable one. Been there. Incredibly sad and hard on both of you. Don’t be surprised if in the next few weeks or months he reaches out. I’m reading your response in public. I’m trying to hold back my tears. I’ve been trying to find out if he’s an avoidant or just no longer into me. I think it’s a little bit of both. I think he started questioning himself and his feelings. Then, as I continued with my AP behaviors, I supported his negative beliefs. The more he pulled, the more I pushed. And, the more reason he had justification why I wasn’t “the one”. He started criticizing me more. The already limited intimacy I received turned into non-existent. The most difficult part is I actually think I get him. I don't think there's anything flawed or wrong with him. I think he's just human. If he does reach out, I hope he knows I won't act angry or upset. I'd actually be happy to hear from him. I miss our friendship more than anything. |
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Post by mrob on Jan 5, 2019 23:38:14 GMT
Human, yes, but with attachment wounding. This is the Anxious/Avoidant dance. The circle.
It probably doesn’t expedite healing to know he may come back, but this is the reality. Over and over again on this forum this has taken place. In my case, it has taken everything I have to not pop up in the lives of exes, one in particular where this dance played out very loudly. If you search my early posts here, you can see the whole circle of thoughts from my end.
My suggestion is to look at your own stuff. If you haven’t read Jeb’s book, buy it and read it. It’ll change your perspective.
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 6, 2019 4:12:20 GMT
My heart goes out to both of you. What a very sad situation. One that I’ve been in more than once. There’s no dismissive there, that’s full on fearful avoidant. He can’t even trust himself to love you the way you need to be loved, and he knows he’s the unreasonable one. Been there. Incredibly sad and hard on both of you. Don’t be surprised if in the next few weeks or months he reaches out. What feelings motivate a FA to reach out again? I ask because being in a relationship seems very painful from your descriptions here.....I would think they would want to try with a clean slate elsewhere? Just trying to understand the lived experience ... That said, it maybe slows down a APs healing to half expect them to return..... sissyk...an FA has the avoidance of a DA and anxiety of a AP so that may help you better understand why they circle back. AP become anxious in time and space and desire closeness- the FA has that anxiety too but they alternate between being avoidant when things feel too close and then AP in distance. It’s very hot/cold and confusing, where the DA is shut down and feels better off alone. |
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Post by mrob on Jan 6, 2019 4:59:37 GMT
mrob What feelings motivate a FA to reach out again? I ask because being in a relationship seems very painful from your descriptions here.....I would think they would want to try with a clean slate elsewhere? Just trying to understand the lived experience ... That said, it maybe slows down a APs healing to half expect them to return..... sissyk...an FA has the avoidance of a DA and anxiety of a AP so that may help you better understand why they circle back. AP become anxious in time and space and desire closeness- the FA has that anxiety too but they alternate between being avoidant when things feel too close and then AP in distance. It’s very hot/cold and confusing, where the DA is shut down and feels better off alone. It’s the why and how that make that book so enlightening. After reading that book, I identified so much, but felt so low, so cornered and so hopeless that I tried to take my own life. But, I’m here, I sought therapy and am trying to do something about my end. It’s pervasive, though. |
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Post by aislingt on Jan 6, 2019 9:03:08 GMT
sissyk...an FA has the avoidance of a DA and anxiety of a AP so that may help you better understand why they circle back. AP become anxious in time and space and desire closeness- the FA has that anxiety too but they alternate between being avoidant when things feel too close and then AP in distance. It’s very hot/cold and confusing, where the DA is shut down and feels better off alone. It’s the why and how that make that book so enlightening. After reading that book, I identified so much, but felt so low, so cornered and so hopeless that I tried to take my own life. But, I’m here, I sought therapy and am trying to do something about my end. It’s pervasive, though. mrob, faithhopelove: I thought that sissyk's question was why do FAs go back to the same person, the relationship with whom proved so painful. The AP part in the FA explains why they want closeness again, but wouldn't it be more likely for them to seek it with someone new? |
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Post by FA on Jan 6, 2019 10:02:33 GMT
aislingt because they're attached to you. In my opinion as FA, the attachment figure is my source of fear, but at the same time, they're my source of comfort. Why not seek it with someone else? I'm still avoidant, I won't see me walking around asking for love, closeness. I only seek it when it happens and when it's safe enough.
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Post by Lizzie on Jan 6, 2019 12:23:29 GMT
It would be nice if we wouldn't deviate too far from the original post.
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Post by leavethelighton on Jan 6, 2019 20:26:48 GMT
It would be nice if we wouldn't deviate too far from the original post. Personally I like it when threads go wherever they go, it's all about exploring ideas...though I think it's fine if the original poster asks people to take a tangential discussion to a different thread. |
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Post by Lizzie on Jan 6, 2019 21:24:00 GMT
Well, this is the support forum where people come to get advice. It is a simple courtesy to go and open your own thread somewhere where it belongs. It is one thing to offer your experience and wisdom, it is all together a different thing to hijack someone else's thread.
Besides, long time ago an agreement was made that avoidants do not post here and APs do not post in avoidants' support forums. So far this rule has been honoured. There are forums available in here to get the perspective from other attachement styles.
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laura
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Post by laura on Jan 6, 2019 22:03:42 GMT
Human, yes, but with attachment wounding. This is the Anxious/Avoidant dance. The circle. It probably doesn’t expedite healing to know he may come back, but this is the reality. Over and over again on this forum this has taken place. In my case, it has taken everything I have to not pop up in the lives of exes, one in particular where this dance played out very loudly. If you search my early posts here, you can see the whole circle of thoughts from my end. My suggestion is to look at your own stuff. If you haven’t read Jeb’s book, buy it and read it. It’ll change your perspective. Thanks. I've actually read his book twice. |
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