laura
New Member
Posts: 36
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Post by laura on Jan 3, 2019 0:59:13 GMT
All of you are 100% correct. My daughter is wise beyond her years. She said it in passing. I smiled and told her she’s one smart girl. She's my "why". I'm not going back to him. I talked to my therapist today. This is the first time since I was 16 y.o. that I've been dumped after seeing someone exclusively. It's the rejection that hurts. He's an a$$. He didn't value me and I deserve better. I love cuddling and connection. Intimacy scared him. My therapist reminded me that I was questioning the relationship before he broke up with me anyway. Thanks for everyone's input. All opinions are welcomed and appreciated.
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Post by mrob on Jan 3, 2019 2:51:50 GMT
So, he’s an a$$ because of his attachment wounding, brilliant. We shan’t day anything about yours.
Yes. I know I’m not supposed to post here, but it needs to be said. This is about sick people getting better, and it makes me quite sad to hear language like this.
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Post by Lizzie on Jan 3, 2019 11:14:07 GMT
I get both of you. I get the need to call the ex some names - this is very natural and most of us have been there. Anger is a natural part of grief.
I also get the disappointment of mrob. It feels so hopeless if you have been dealt the card that most attachment related books call 'to be avoided at all cost'. You did not choose the parents that hurt you, you want love, too.
But avoidant and anxious are not good together, we are toxic to each other.
mbrob, you should not take personally if one AP woman chooses to turn her back to unhealthy relationship. This is only the beginning of her journey. It is like a swing, at first it goes far to the other side and then back before it finds its balance.
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Post by mrob on Jan 3, 2019 12:51:46 GMT
My point is that both is as sick as each other. An avoidant is as sick as a preoccupied. If, by being here and actually looking at this stuff, we are looking to change, surely we have to have compassion for both sides.
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Post by Lizzie on Jan 3, 2019 13:51:10 GMT
Actually no. First you have to remove yourself from dangerous situation, then heal your wounds and only then you can have compassion. Think about any injury you have ever got, be it from sports or anywhere else. AP people tend to get lost in compassion for avoidants. When you just had a relationship rupture this is the worst thing to do because this keeps you stuck in the above mentioned dangerous situation. Read any post from new AP forum members, they all blame themselves, look for explanations and understanding, try to find ways to accommodate their DA ex's needs etc. This is so clear and common pattern for anyone who has been here for a while. mrob, APs are not to blame for your attachment wounds, we need to take care of us as we have been failing us for most of our lives. APs need to turn inwards before they can turn outwards again. Me, myself and I need to become important first.  I do have compassion for you, mrob. Because I have been through this all. It has taken me 4 years and still counting. |
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Post by mrob on Jan 3, 2019 14:04:50 GMT
I think you’ve missed what I’m saying, and that’s fine. I really shouldn’t have strayed into the support space, and I’m sorry.
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Post by Lizzie on Jan 3, 2019 14:36:44 GMT
It's okay, you've been nice. It is to be expected that AP healing work is triggering to DAs. So I guess it really is for your own benefit to stay clear from here. But really, no problem at all. |
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 3, 2019 23:03:12 GMT
My point is that both is as sick as each other. An avoidant is as sick as a preoccupied. If, by being here and actually looking at this stuff, we are looking to change, surely we have to have compassion for both sides. Not sick- having defenses and habits that are not helpful. It’s the way both sides cope but sick is too strong of a word. |
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Post by sissyk on Jan 4, 2019 1:42:25 GMT
I think it may be helpful for Laura to glean from above back and forth that his "rejection"is not personal...he is incapable of sustained intimacy with anyone. But she is collateral damage and anger is an important stage of grief.
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laura
New Member
Posts: 36
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Post by laura on Jan 4, 2019 16:19:04 GMT
Thank you everyone. mrob you are correct. He is not an a$$. I am extremely hurt. His laughing at me while I was crying, however, does not make him an avoidant. I was willing to sacrifice my needs to accommodate his. I was pushy and clingy. He didn't like that. It soured his opinion of me. I realized I was giving too much of myself and he had already left the relationship. I came to this forum looking for support and answers. I know my attachment style. I cannot say what his attachment style is because I am not him. But, I don't hate him. I have compassion for him. It's been five days since I've talked with him. I will not initiate contact. And, I do not think he will reach out to me. I think he will not reach out because he no longer has feelings for me. Not because he's avoidant, but because he's done with the relationship. I need to accept it and move on, period. |
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laura
New Member
Posts: 36
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Post by laura on Jan 4, 2019 16:25:37 GMT
I get both of you. I get the need to call the ex some names - this is very natural and most of us have been there. Anger is a natural part of grief. I also get the disappointment of mrob. It feels so hopeless if you have been dealt the card that most attachment related books call 'to be avoided at all cost'. You did not choose the parents that hurt you, you want love, too. But avoidant and anxious are not good together, we are toxic to each other. mbrob, you should not take personally if one AP woman chooses to turn her back to unhealthy relationship. This is only the beginning of her journey. It is like a swing, at first it goes far to the other side and then back before it finds its balance. I also want to say that I did not choose to turn my back on this relationship. I was and still am willing to work with him. I'm now in therapy. He said he needed therapy before the breakup. But, after the breakup, he said he was happy. He no longer needed therapy. I understand why he does what he does. Well, I understand as much as I can. I'm willing to work on my issues alone or in this relationship. He chose to leave the relationship. He said he lost feelings. He said he doesn't want a relationship with anyone. How can I argue with that? I can't. I just have to let him go. If I continue to contact him, I'll push him farther away, correct? |
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laura
New Member
Posts: 36
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Post by laura on Jan 4, 2019 16:39:49 GMT
I think you’ve missed what I’m saying, and that’s fine. I really shouldn’t have strayed into the support space, and I’m sorry. I actually appreciate your insight. I'm really confused as I've never experienced anything to this extreme. He wanted it over. He seemed so sure. He said his feelings for me would go up and down like a seesaw. He would lose feelings then they would come back. He said right now they're gone. He came to the conclusion that he has committment issues. Towards the end of our relationship, he wasn't wanting to see me. He said he felt restricted at my place. He said my place, not me, made him unhappy. He said that any relationship talk was annoying to him. I appreciated his honesty. But, I kept asking questions trying to understand. I didn't realize that was really bothering him. Now, he says he just wants to be friends. He wants to hangout and see me, but not yet. He doesn't text or call unless I reach out first. I haven't contacted him since Sunday. Our last conversation ended up with me hanging up on him and him calling me back right away 3 times. I didn't answer. Since then, it's been silent. I thought we had a connection. I honestly thought we'd be together long term. |
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Post by sissyk on Jan 4, 2019 16:53:41 GMT
I think you’ve missed what I’m saying, and that’s fine. I really shouldn’t have strayed into the support space, and I’m sorry. I actually appreciate your insight. I'm really confused as I've never experienced anything to this extreme. He wanted it over. He seemed so sure. He said his feelings for me would go up and down like a seesaw. He would lose feelings then they would come back. He said right now they're gone. He came to the conclusion that he has committment issues. Towards the end of our relationship, he wasn't wanting to see me. He said he felt restricted at my place. He said my place, not me, made him unhappy. He said that any relationship talk was annoying to him. I appreciated his honesty. But, I kept asking questions trying to understand. I didn't realize that was really bothering him. Now, he says he just wants to be friends. He wants to hangout and see me, but not yet. He doesn't text or call unless I reach out first. I haven't contacted him since Sunday. Our last conversation ended up with me hanging up on him and him calling me back right away 3 times. I didn't answer. Since then, it's been silent. I thought we had a connection. I honestly thought we'd be together long term. It is all so sudden and disorienting--I also thought we had a connection and don't understand the off switch. I have never experienced it before. It sounds like you are doing everything right. The rest just takes time. Glad you are going no contact. |
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laura
New Member
Posts: 36
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Post by laura on Jan 4, 2019 19:39:19 GMT
I actually appreciate your insight. I'm really confused as I've never experienced anything to this extreme. He wanted it over. He seemed so sure. He said his feelings for me would go up and down like a seesaw. He would lose feelings then they would come back. He said right now they're gone. He came to the conclusion that he has committment issues. Towards the end of our relationship, he wasn't wanting to see me. He said he felt restricted at my place. He said my place, not me, made him unhappy. He said that any relationship talk was annoying to him. I appreciated his honesty. But, I kept asking questions trying to understand. I didn't realize that was really bothering him. Now, he says he just wants to be friends. He wants to hangout and see me, but not yet. He doesn't text or call unless I reach out first. I haven't contacted him since Sunday. Our last conversation ended up with me hanging up on him and him calling me back right away 3 times. I didn't answer. Since then, it's been silent. I thought we had a connection. I honestly thought we'd be together long term. It is all so sudden and disorienting--I also thought we had a connection and don't understand the off switch. I have never experienced it before. It sounds like you are doing everything right. The rest just takes time. Glad you are going no contact. Thanks. It's just so hard to know (assume) the person I truly care about isn't thinking about me at all. I'm trying to disconnect. And, I feel bad that we triggered each other. I had no idea what I was doing to him. I just think that with another opportunity I'd be much more aware and would filter my comments. I feel like he gave up on us too soon. When, in reality, he may feel like he gave all he had. I just can't believe my behavior at this age. It's embarrassing. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Jan 5, 2019 0:43:27 GMT
There's really no way to know whether he is thinking about you or not, but you are right that it's healthier to have a shorter path to acceptance rather than a longer one...
Also good point that maybe he felt like he gave it all he had. Sometimes really we want people to give it more, but that doesn't mean they can.
On feeling like your behavior is "embarrassing," be kind to yourself. You were just trying to cope with the situation the best you could. I think we all have moments we look back on and wish we'd handled differently, even more recently than we'd want to admit, but we're all just trying to do our best. I mean, give yourself credit for having done the best you could in that moment and having learned something from it, even if another part of you kind of cringes when you think about it. There are reasons you did what you did-- focus on those; it's all a learning experience.
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