hey mary! how you doin?

:-)

Waves...

you did? 👀😆
hope it wasn't in an interview with law enforcement...
hahaha!
i'm doing very well, thank you. still enjoying growth in relationship, which yesterday kind of blew me away in a good way.... and goldilocks and i continue a friendship across the world that's been an incredible blessing.

i'm thankful for healing and recovery for my little family after a very tough couple of years. we are doing great!
life is good, with a couple of exciting things on the horizon.

i hope you are well also, mr. mrob ! 🌸

hi maryt
thank you!
i have come so far in that area, but i don't think i could have done that without the energy and leadership of the man i've been seeing. i've had to just keep growing through my challenging areas.

i've found that practice and follow through helps change his for me, but i'm sure it's taken patience and understanding from him as well.
i'll have to go read what i wrote about that- it's like a journal of sorts.
in my friendships i am still a terrible planner, but then again my friends are also dismissive/working to secure so maybe we will just stay that way haha.
goldilocks is a fantastic planner, and i'm inspired by her also. i'm not sure i told her that so goldi, there ya go haha!

it definitely helps having a complimentary individual who doesn't take it personally and can support in that regard. it's difficult to change life long ways of being.

i am able to reciprocate the support in areas this man lacks with his relationship skills, which takes overcoming myself in other ways too... so that's the thing about this, it's continuous introspection and finding new ways. cooperation, in short.

i'm happy that my experience here has helped you in some way. it was an important part of my discovery at one point!

oh, and maryt , you tag by using the "@"in front of the user name with no space.
if it doesn't tag then the person has blocked or made themselves untaggable.

and i did read your post about planning, but not the OP or posts leading up. not sure what the thread was specifically addressing, but in response to your post there, i'm glad you have experienced some relief in that area.

i don't know if your partner is actively working with you and committed to participating in the relationship in an increasingly healthy capacity- i don't know your back story that well. so of course, that's what determines the long term potential of a mutually satisfying relationship, and i hope he is able to meet you half way. i have had to actively work against deep conditioning in order to be comfortable and more natural with plans.

and, my partner has always been very secure in this area and just provided the leadership there that i have needed to be able to open up and not bolt. he hasn't been insecure or taken it personally that i do not initiate (i have gotten better at that with communication and i have actually asked for advance plans for some dates. really big growth for me there. and i do like it.

if he had been critical or insecure about this area i struggle with we couldn't have gotten off the ground because the issue presented very early on. it was a big lightbulb moment for me when i realized that he wasn't just talking about having lunch with me, (our first PLAN) but that he actually wanted a day and time and to have it transpire.

i know that sounds very stupid on my part but for a very long time the idea was enough for me, and having been involved with another dismissive the idea was always enough to feel connected and it was all we could do at the time. this is probably hard to feel compassion for from the outside but it was my dismissive reality.

so, being with someone secure in that area has helped me move through my natural resistance that even now i cannot fully articulate, it's just always been difficult for me personally.

his contribution here has been tolerance and compassion for me. he also contributes his own effort to heal and improve his own weaknesses, so it's not a lopsided equation.

it's critically important to have two people working on their own stuff and actively engaged in the relationship with mutually agreed upon goals. and, being compatible outside of any attachment obstacles (and not attracted due to attachment trauma itself!)

so, i hope that you are reciprocated in your efforts, i would never encourage an AP to engage and support a partner in an unhealthy way by making all the concessions.

my partner is older than me also, and the maturity of someone in their 50's has a strong appeal (when combined with youthful love of life and excellent self awareness and self care!). dating and building a relationship at this age is better later than never and i find there is much to be appreciated about bonding at this stage of life (i am late forties)

i hope you have continued happiness! it's not too late for us lol

Hi goldilocks. You’re so sweet with the wonderful advice about planning. However, it’s not my issue, I referred to I in my comments to @juniperda. I’m actually an over planner! I like to know how everything is going to work out. My FA/DA is the one who likes to let things happen naturally and organically (part of his avoidance). I had asked Juniper about it and she offered the wonderful insight I quoted in my earlier post....he only feels safe with today. Helped me tremendously! Maybe I’ll share your insight with him! 😉

(looks around) is juniper gone??
(Sees some familiar faces 🙂)
It's been awhile but thought I would drop back in here. Yo Juni.....if you are around, stop by! Man it has been a minute.