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Post by ocarina on Apr 6, 2019 10:06:01 GMT
I'm posting here because I am beginning to feel pretty secure (and test ) in my life in general - I haven't been in a romantic relationship recently so maybe this will change in the future, but I have worked hard to get here and to accept and make changes to my DA behaviour which characterised so many of my early interactions. I have great and close friendships which have been really useful as a model for intimate relationships and I no longer want to settle for a partner who is not able or willing to meet me half way.
The problem of the moment is that the couple of men in my life - and this has been a consistent pattern, seem to love me for how I make them feel - they are fun to be around, very handsome, intellectually stimulating etc etc BUT I don't feel the kind of sense of caring that I know that I need and want in a relationship nowadays. I don't feel they are there for me through thick and thin - more that because I look good and behave towards them in a way that makes them feel good - they come back for more. I am not a caretaker - and am not trying to control them to behave in a certain way just observing the pattern.
I've been unwell for the last few days and despite being Mrs Uber independent I now recognise I want a life partner who asks after me, who cares and is willing and able to express that. I'm a good listener which I think makes me attractive to a certain type of man - but I need this care and attention in return and these men often don't seem to be able to do this. I am fed up with men who don't ask about me - not even a simple how are you but instead launch into their own stuff and I listen with presence - but this isn't ever reciprocated. I feel lousy and I'd like a partner who might offer to come round and make a cup of tea - instead I have admirers who want me when I'm better.
Not sure there's a solution - and these guys are my friends - unsure at the moment if I should move away from friendships like this in order to make room for something more sustainable should this appear - I'm not being hurt by these people because I have strong emotional and physical boundaries, but I wonder if I am enabling their and my own avoidance by just hanging in there and keeping myself in some kind of holding pattern.
Not sure there's an answer but thoughts are all welcome and for me it's good to air these feelings. Thanks. |
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Post by ocarina on Apr 6, 2019 10:08:01 GMT
These lurkers are the kind of come and go men who get on with their lives and then revisit the "us" when they see fit - one was a love from long ago who made a life decision (moving country) which ended our relationship and is now apparently regretting this.
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Post by anne12 on Apr 6, 2019 10:55:22 GMT
Have you asked them for what you need now that you are feeling unwell ?
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Post by ocarina on Apr 6, 2019 12:47:03 GMT
Have you asked them for what you need now that you are feeling unwell ? Maybe not directly enough - one of them messaged to ask if I wanted to meet and I told him yes but that I was unwell - nothing from him since - and the other I haven’t been in contact with fir a long while until he phoned a day or so ago so am not really at a stage where it would be appropriate to ask for support- during our long call I realized that everything was about him - his anxiety over leaving the country and having made a poor choice - no reflection on the fact that he basically disappeared and left me years ago after a long a d intense relationship. I don’t blame him / but part of me is asking what about me?! |
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Post by anne12 on Apr 6, 2019 13:03:12 GMT
Maybe it is time to challenge yourself then. Maybe you can ask the first one that you want to meet, but in your home and if he would bring some tea or whatever for you ?!.
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Post by ocarina on Apr 6, 2019 13:08:12 GMT
Maybe it is time to challenge yourself then. Maybe you can ask the first one that you want to meet, but in your home and if he would bring some tea or whatever for you ?!. Yes - thank you. I find it difficult to be vulnerable like this simply because I’ve been brave with him before and been blanked which reinforces the fear of doing it in the first place - but you are right. |
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Post by anne12 on Apr 6, 2019 13:19:59 GMT
Yes I kind of know the feeling. You can ask yourself: Every time I am not asking for what I need or what I do not want, what is it that I am affraid of being seen as by the other person (needy, weak, dependent, whiney, lonely ect....) = your shadow! You can maybe find some inspiration in this thread to help you: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1468/anger-integrety-boundaries-ect |
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Post by sissyk on Apr 6, 2019 14:31:49 GMT
I'm sorry you are not feeling well! I think that is a natural occasion when you are sitting in bed with the Kleenex box to reflect on what you want in a life partner. Someone who will be there for the hard stuff too. I would surely like that too--and feel I deserve it!
It is good you recognized early that your returning exes are not going to fill that role. Maybe they are appearing to help you clarify for yourself what you do seek when you are ready to look for it.
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Post by 8675309 on Apr 6, 2019 15:41:06 GMT
For me I keep friends like this at arms length. It’s not avoidance for me, it’s they are not a great friend. I personally don’t need friends that project their crap my way/selfish. I have found talking about it did not matter as they didn’t care/avoided the problem. Not to say you talking won’t help just my experience.
Who needs friends that don’t ask how you are? Or only come when they need something from you or what they can get from you. friendships is one of those things that should be easy/reciprocal. I know it’s not easy for those with avoidance issues but I hope you get my point.
I live by toxic people make you toxic. In general when you have to question it, there is a good reason to.
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Post by faithopelove on Apr 6, 2019 18:00:48 GMT
ocarina - I find that people’s investment level matches their interest. If they aren’t interested in your life, asking questions and concerned with you and how YOU feel then they likely aren’t that interested. They may just be fair weathered friends who come around when it’s convenient for them. Be aware of that and either keep them arm’s length as well or find someone who is more willing to invest in you and what you need. Men always step up- when they want to. Hope you feel better soon!! 💜💜
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hola
Junior Member
Posts: 61
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Post by hola on Apr 6, 2019 18:10:33 GMT
Yes I kind of know the feeling. You can ask yourself: Every time I am not asking for what I need or what I do not want, what is it that I am affraid of being seen as by the other person (needy, weak, dependent, whiney, lonely ect....) = your shadow! You can maybe find some inspiration in this thread to help you: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1468/anger-integrety-boundaries-ectWow this hit a nerve, so point on, thank you anne12 Ocarina, since we tend to show everyone we’re so independent and don’t need anything, that’s basically what/whom we attract. When we break that pattern, we invite people into our lives that know how to Be there for you when your vulnerable and not feeling well. I’ve learned this. Baby steps my friend |
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Post by 8675309 on Apr 6, 2019 19:23:54 GMT
An example for me, I have an aware DA friend I make sure I check in on and she knows she can reach out to me to talk specially about attachment, family stuff etc. I get her and I care about her to get her.
She went through something mental this past week and she sure reached out to me because she knows she can. I checked in on her today since we talked a few days ago. She knows I have her back and I make sure she knows. That’s what you do for those you care about. I know she has my back, she checks on me too. Specially updates on my avoidant. Ha ha. I can talk with her about attachment, she understands it. Most I know don’t even know it exist s.
She’s made great progress in her life.
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Post by ocarina on Apr 6, 2019 20:37:33 GMT
I'm sorry you are not feeling well! I think that is a natural occasion when you are sitting in bed with the Kleenex box to reflect on what you want in a life partner. Someone who will be there for the hard stuff too. I would surely like that too--and feel I deserve it! It is good you recognized early that your returning exes are not going to fill that role. Maybe they are appearing to help you clarify for yourself what you do seek when you are ready to look for it. Thanks @sissk - I'm feeling better now health wise which is good - but it's sobering to recognise that this has been a long term pattern - even in my marriage, my needs were usually put a low second to my husband. I feel very resilient and able to shoulder a great deal - and then people let me! I don't know how to address this without being really shrieky - and maybe not engaging with individuals who repeatedly reinforce this pattern. |
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Post by ocarina on Apr 6, 2019 20:40:41 GMT
For me I keep friends like this at arms length. It’s not avoidance for me, it’s they are not a great friend. I personally don’t need friends that project their crap my way/selfish. I have found talking about it did not matter as they didn’t care/avoided the problem. Not to say you talking won’t help just my experience. Who needs friends that don’t ask how you are? Or only come when they need something from you or what they can get from you. friendships is one of those things that should be easy/reciprocal. I know it’s not easy for those with avoidance issues but I hope you get my point. I live by toxic people make you toxic. In general when you have to question it, there is a good reason to. I think you have a point -in the past I've had a lot of quite superficial friends because they felt safe - I didn't need to be vulnerable. Maybe these guys are just a hangover from these days.
They're seductive because they're intelligent, handsome and good company - but they are kind of placeholders for me in some way that I'm not sure if healthy. I also feel some kind of obligation not to leave them behind - no idea what's going on here - but finding it's difficult to totally detach because of how it may make them feel......
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Post by ocarina on Apr 6, 2019 20:42:37 GMT
Yes I kind of know the feeling. You can ask yourself: Every time I am not asking for what I need or what I do not want, what is it that I am affraid of being seen as by the other person (needy, weak, dependent, whiney, lonely ect....) = your shadow! You can maybe find some inspiration in this thread to help you: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1468/anger-integrety-boundaries-ectWow this hit a nerve, so point on, thank you anne12 Ocarina, since we tend to show everyone we’re so independent and don’t need anything, that’s basically what/whom we attract. When we break that pattern, we invite people into our lives that know how to Be there for you when your vulnerable and not feeling well. I’ve learned this. Baby steps my friend that really resonates with me - you're right I seem to need nobody and it makes me attractive to these kind of "man child" figures who really look up to me - but can't actually be present for me unless I am in the role of the positive stable one. |
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